雙語·面紗 第二十三章

23

She looked at him blankly. What he said was so unexpected that at the first moment she could hardly gather its sense.

“What on earth are you talking about?” she faltered.

Even to herself her reply rang false, and she saw the look of disdain which it called forth on Walter's stern face.

“I'm afraid you've thought me a bigger fool than I am.”

She did not quite know what to say. She was undecided whether indignantly to assert her innocence or to break out into angry reproaches. He seemed to read her thoughts.

“I've got all the proof necessary.”

She began to cry. The tears flowed from her eyes without any particular anguish and she did not dry them: to weep gave her a little time to collect herself. But her mind was blank. He watched her without concern, and his calmness frightened her. He grew impatient.

“You're not going to do much by crying, you know.”

His voice, so cold and hard, had the effect of exciting in her a certain indignation. She was recovering her nerve.

“I don't care. I suppose you have no objection to my divorcing you. It means nothing to a man.”

“Will you allow me to ask why I should put myself to the smallest inconvenience on your account?”

“It can't make any difference to you. It's not much to ask you to behave like a gentleman.”

“I have much too great a regard for your welfare.”

She sat up now and dried her eyes.

“What do you mean?” she asked him.

“Townsend will marry you only if he is co-respondent and the case is so shameless that his wife is forced to divorce him.”

“You don't know what you're talking about,” she cried.

“You stupid fool.”

His tone was so contemptuous that she flushed with anger. And perhaps her anger was greater because she had never before heard him say to her any but sweet, flattering, and delightful things. She had been accustomed to find him subservient to all her whims.

“If you want the truth you can have it. He's only too anxious to marry me. Dorothy Townsend is perfectly willing to divorce him and we shall be married the moment we're free.”

“Did he tell you that in so many words or is that the impression you have gained from his manner?”

Walter's eyes shone with bitter mockery. They made Kitty a trifle uneasy. She was not quite sure that Charlie had ever said exactly that in so many words.

“He's said it over and over again.”

“That's a lie and you know it's a lie.”

“He loves me with all his heart and soul. He loves me as passionately as I love him. You've found out. I'm not going to deny anything. Why should I? We've been lovers for a year and I'm proud of it. He means everything in the world to me and I'm glad that you know at last. We're sick to death of secrecy and compromise and all the rest of it. It was a mistake that I ever married you, I never should have done it, I was a fool. I never cared for you. We never had anything in common. I don't like the people you like and I'm bored by the things that interest you. I'm thankful it's finished.”

He watched her without a gesture and without a movement of his face. He listened attentively and no change in his expression showed that what she said affected him.

“Do you know why I married you?”

“Because you wanted to be married before your sister Doris.”

It was true, but it gave her a funny little turn to realise that he knew it. Oddly enough, even in that moment of fear and anger, it excited her compassion. He faintly smiled.

“I had no illusions about you,” he said. “I knew you were silly and frivolous and empty-headed. But I loved you. I knew that your aims and ideals were vulgar and commonplace. But I loved you. I knew that you were second-rate. But I loved you. It's comic when I think how hard I tried to be amused by the things that amused you and how anxious I was to hide from you that I wasn't ignorant and vulgar and scandal-mongering and stupid. I knew how frightened you were of intelligence and I did everything I could to make you think me as big a fool as the rest of the men you knew. I knew that you'd only married me for convenience. I loved you so much, I didn't care. Most people, as far as I can see, when they're in love with someone and the love isn't returned feel that they have a grievance. They grow angry and bitter. I wasn't like that. I never expected you to love me, I didn't see any reason that you should, I never thought myself very lovable. I was thankful to be allowed to love you and I was enraptured when now and then I thought you were pleased with me or when I noticed in your eyes a gleam of good-humoured affection. I tried not to bore you with my love; I knew I couldn't afford to do that and I was always on the lookout for the first sign that you were impatient with my affection. What most husbands expect as a right I was prepared to receive as a favor.”

Kitty, accustomed to flattery all her life, had never heard such things said to her before. Blind wrath, driving out fear, arose in her heart: it seemed to choke her, and she felt the blood-vessels in her temples swell and throb. Wounded vanity can make a woman more vindictive than a lioness robbed of her cubs. Kitty's jaw, always a little too square, protruded with an apish hideousness and her beautiful eyes were black with malice. But she kept her temper in check.

“If a man hasn't what's necessary to make a woman love him, it's his fault, not hers.”

“Evidently.”

His derisive tone increased her irritation. She felt that she could wound him more by maintaining her calm.

“I'm not very welleducated and I'm not very clever. I'm just a perfectly ordinary young woman. I like the things that the people like among whom I've lived all my life. I like dancing and tennis and theatres and I like the men who play games. It's quite true that I've always been bored by you and by the things you like. They mean nothing to me and I don't want them to. You dragged me round those interminable galleries in Venice: I should have enjoyed myself much more playing golf at Sandwich.”

“I know.”

“I'm sorry if I haven't been all that you expected me to be. Unfortunately I always found you physically repulsive. You can hardly blame me for that.”

“I don't.”

Kitty could more easily have coped with the situation if he had raved and stormed. She could have met violence with violence. His self-control was inhuman and she hated him now as she had never hated him before.

“I don't think you're a man at all. Why didn't you break into the room when you knew I was there with Charlie? You might at least have tried to thrash him. Were you afraid?”

But the moment she had said this she flushed, for she was ashamed. He did not answer, but in his eyes she read an icy disdain. The shadow of a smile flickered on his lips.

“It may be that, like an historical character, I am too proud to fight.”

Kitty, unable to think of anything to answer, shrugged her shoulders. For a moment longer he held her in his immobile gaze.

“I think I've said all I had to say: if you refuse to come to Mei-tan-fu I shall file my petition.”

“Why won't you consent to let me divorce you?”

He took his eyes off her at last. He leaned back in his chair and lit a cigarette. He smoked it to the end without saying a word. Then, throwing away the butt, he gave a little smile. He looked at her once more.

“If Mrs. Townsend will give me her assurance that she will divorce her husband and if he will give me his written promise to marry you within a week of the two decrees being made absolute, I will do that.”

There was something in the way he spoke which disconcerted her. But her self-respect obliged her to accept his offer in the grand manner.

“That is very generous of you, Walter.”

To her astonishment he burst suddenly into a shout of laughter. She flushed angrily.

“What are you laughing at? I see nothing to laugh at.”

“I beg your pardon. I daresay my sense of humour is peculiar.”

She looked at him frowning. She would have liked to say something bitter and wounding, but no rejoinder occurred to her. He looked at his watch.

“You had better look sharp if you want to catch Townsend at his office. If you decide to come with me to Mei-tan-fu it would be necessary to start the day after to-morrow.”

“Do you want me to tell him to-day?”

“They say there is no time like the present.”

Her heart began to beat a little faster. It was not uneasiness that she felt, it was, she didn't quite know what it was. She wished she could have had a little longer; she would have liked to prepare Charlie. But she had the fullest confidence in him, he loved her as much as she loved him, and it was treacherous even to let the thought cross her mind that he would not welcome the necessity that was forced upon them. She turned to Walter gravely.

“I don't think you know what love is. You have no conception how desperately in love Charlie and I are with one another. It really is the only thing that matters and every sacrifice that our love calls for will be as easy as falling off a log.”

He gave a little bow, but said nothing, and his eyes followed her as she walked with measured step from the room.

第二十三章

她茫然地看著他，他所說的一切在一開始是那么出乎意料，她幾乎都沒明白是怎么回事兒。

“你究竟在說什么？”她用顫抖的聲音說道。

甚至在她自己聽起來這聲音都不正常，她看到沃爾特板著的臉上露出了輕蔑的神情。

“恐怕你把我當成了徹頭徹尾的大傻瓜了?！?/p>

她不知道該說什么好，遲疑著是否應(yīng)該義憤填膺地為自己的清白辯解，還是用一串怒火中燒的斥責(zé)來回擊。他似乎看出了她的想法。

“我已經(jīng)得到了全部必要的證據(jù)?！?/p>

她開始哭了，淚水汩汩而出，但沒有任何特別的痛苦，她并沒有打算擦干它們。哭泣能給她騰出點兒時間整理一下思路，可是她的大腦還是一片空白。他冷漠地觀察著她，他的這種冷靜讓她感到害怕。后來，他變得不耐煩了。

“現(xiàn)在哭還有用嗎？你心里很清楚。”

他的聲音是那么的冰冷和無情，反而激起了她的某種憤慨之情。她定了定神。

“我不在乎，我想你不會反對我和你離婚吧，這對一個男人來說算不上什么事兒?！?/p>

“恕我冒昧地問一句，憑什么由于你的緣故，我要讓自己陷入哪怕是最微不足道的麻煩中呢？”

“這對你絲毫沒有影響呀，只不過讓你做得像個紳士?！?/p>

“我已經(jīng)夠紳士的啦，還要考慮到你以后的生活?！?/p>

現(xiàn)在她坐直了身子，擦干了眼淚。

“你什么意思？”她質(zhì)問他道。

“除非湯森受到指控和你通奸，這樣他才能和你結(jié)婚。這案子太丟人了，他妻子不得不和他離婚?！?/p>

“你不知道你在胡說些什么吧?！彼傲顺鰜怼?/p>

“你個蠢貨?！?/p>

他的口吻非常輕蔑，她的臉因為憤怒漲得通紅。因為她以前從沒聽到過他這樣對她講話，她聽到的總是甜言蜜語、贊美奉承以及輕松愉快的事情，所以聽到這話她更加憤怒。她已經(jīng)習(xí)慣了他對于她每次的異想天開都百依百順。

“如果你想要知道真相我就統(tǒng)統(tǒng)告訴你。他急不可耐地想娶我，多蘿西·湯森也非常愿意和他離婚，只要我們一獲得自由就馬上結(jié)婚?！?/p>

“這些話是他告訴你的嗎，還是你從他的行為中獲得的感想？”

沃爾特的目光中閃爍著辛辣的挖苦，使得凱蒂有些不自在。她確實不太肯定查理是否真的說過這些話了。

“他一遍又一遍地這樣說了?！?/p>

“那是謊言，而且你也知道這不過是騙你玩兒的?！?/p>

“他全心全意地愛著我。他愛我就像我愛他一樣充滿著激情。既然你已經(jīng)發(fā)現(xiàn)了，我也就不想否認任何事了。我為什么要隱瞞？我們是情人關(guān)系已經(jīng)一年了，我為此感到自豪。在這個世界上，對我來說他意味著一切，我很高興你終于知道了這一點。我們已經(jīng)厭倦偷偷摸摸、提心吊膽的生活了。嫁給你是我犯的一個錯誤，當初真不應(yīng)該這樣做，我是個傻瓜，我一點兒也不愛你，我們倆沒有絲毫的共同點，我不喜歡你欣賞的人，我討厭你感興趣的那些事兒。謝天謝地，這種日子終于結(jié)束了?！?/p>

他紋絲不動地看著她，臉上沒有任何表情。他聽得很專注，但神情并沒有什么變化，表明她的話并沒有對他產(chǎn)生絲毫影響。

“你知道我為什么會嫁給你嗎？”

“因為你想在你妹妹多瑞絲前面把自己嫁出去。”

這倒是真的，但多少讓她覺得具有諷刺意味，她吃了一驚——他竟然了然于胸。說也奇怪，就在恐懼和憤怒的這一刻，她的心中產(chǎn)生一絲憐憫。這時，他也淡淡地一笑。

“我對你沒抱什么幻想?！彼f道，“我知道你愚蠢、輕浮、沒頭腦，但是我愛你；我知道你的目標和理想既粗俗又平庸，但是我愛你；我知道你是個二流貨色，但是我愛你。想想都可笑，你開心的時候，我還得千方百計裝作和你一樣開心。我曾因得在你面前表現(xiàn)出我是一個愚昧、粗俗和愛傳流言蜚語的蠢人而焦慮。我知道智慧會讓你大驚失色，所以我竭盡全力讓你覺得我和你所交往的男人們一樣是個大傻瓜。我知道你嫁給我就是為了圖省事，我是那么愛你，所以我不在乎。我所見到過的大多數(shù)人，當他們愛上某個人的時候，如果他們的愛沒有得到回報，他們就會覺得委屈，就會變得憤怒和怨天尤人。我不像他們，我絕不指望你能愛上我，我找不出任何理由你應(yīng)該愛我，也從沒想過我自己有多值得愛。我心存感激，因為上蒼允許我愛你，有時當我想到你和我在一起時，心中充滿快樂，因為我注意到了在你眼中有一抹快活的神色，這種念頭會讓我欣喜若狂。我努力不讓你對我的愛感到厭煩，如果你厭了、煩了，我知道我會受不了的。我總是小心翼翼地留神你對我的感情有不耐煩的蛛絲馬跡，有些事情，大多數(shù)丈夫認為是自己的權(quán)利，而我會把它當成一種恩惠?！?/p>

凱蒂，早已習(xí)慣養(yǎng)尊處優(yōu)，人人都呵護奉承她，她以前從沒聽到有人對她說過這樣的話。于是，無名的怒火從她心中升起，驅(qū)散了恐懼，她似乎覺得胸口被什么東西堵住了，太陽穴的血管突突直跳。虛榮心受到傷害使一個女人產(chǎn)生的報復(fù)心甚至比一只幼崽被搶走的母獅子還要重。凱蒂的下巴，平時總顯得太過四四方方，可這時像猿猴一樣凸出，顯得很丑陋，她漂亮的雙眸閃爍著怨恨的黑色火焰，但是她最終控制住了自己的脾氣。

“如果一個男人不能讓一個女人愛他，那是那個男人的錯，而不是那個女人的錯?！?/p>

“完全正確?！?/p>

他嘲弄的口吻增加了她的惱怒，她覺得如果自己能保持冷靜，就能夠傷害到他。

“我受教育不多而且也不是很聰明，我只是一個非常普通的年輕女人，我喜歡的東西和我生活圈子里的人喜歡的東西一模一樣，我喜歡跳舞、網(wǎng)球和戲劇，也喜歡運動型的男人。實話實說，我覺得你很乏味，對你喜歡的東西也不感興趣，所有的這些我全都厭煩，全都不想要。你拽著我沒完沒了地逛威尼斯那些毫無趣味的美術(shù)館，可我更喜歡去桑維治打高爾夫球?！?/p>

“我知道。”

“如果我沒能成為你理想中的妻子我很抱歉，更不幸的是，我總是對你在身體上有種排斥，但你不能因為這一點而責(zé)怪我。”

“我沒有怪你?！?/p>

假設(shè)他暴跳如雷，凱蒂可能還更容易應(yīng)付這種局面。她本來能以暴制暴，還以顏色的。他的自控力簡直是非人性的。雖然她以前從來沒有恨過他，但現(xiàn)在她開始恨他了。

“我覺得你簡直就不是個男人。為什么當你知道我和查理在屋里的時候你不闖進來？至少你應(yīng)該想著要痛打他一頓呀。你害怕了？”

但是，說這話的一刻她的臉紅了，因為她感到了羞愧。他沒有說話，但是在他的眼中她讀出了冰冷的鄙視，他的嘴角閃著一絲不易察覺的冷笑。

“本來應(yīng)該那樣，就像歷史上的人物決斗一樣，但我不屑于打架?！?/p>

凱蒂實在想不出用什么話來回擊他了，聳了聳肩。他盯著她好一會兒。

“我認為我已經(jīng)說完了要說的話，如果你拒絕去湄潭府，我就撤回申請?！?/p>

“為什么你不同意跟我離婚？”

最后他把目光從她身上移開了，靠在椅子上點著了一支香煙，直到把煙抽完也沒再說一句話。然后，他扔掉了煙蒂，淡淡地一笑，再一次看著她。

“如果湯森太太向我承諾會跟她丈夫離婚，而他同樣向我做出書面承諾要娶你，在一周之內(nèi)兩份協(xié)議生效，我就同意跟你離婚。”

他說話的方式中有某種東西讓她不安，但是她的自尊迫使她只能接受他的條件，而且是以一種大義凜然的態(tài)度。

“你真是慷慨大度極了，沃爾特?！?/p>

讓她大吃一驚的是，他突然爆發(fā)出一陣大笑，她憤怒的臉又漲得通紅。

“你在笑什么？我看不出有什么可笑的。”

“請你原諒，我只能說我的幽默感與眾不同?！?/p>

她皺著眉看著他，想說些刺耳和傷人的話，但是一時又想不起。他看了看手表。

“如果你想在辦公室里找到湯森，你最好麻利點兒。如果你決定跟我去湄潭府，后天就得動身了?！?/p>

“你想讓我今天就告訴他？”

“人們常說時不我待?！?/p>

她的心開始跳得快了起來，不是因為不安，到底是因為什么，自己也說不清楚。她原本希望時間能夠再拖得長些，好讓查理有所準備。但是，她對查理充滿信心，他愛她如同她對他的愛一樣多——或許他不太愿意接受這強加在他們頭上的脅迫，這種念頭在她腦海中一閃而過。不，這簡直是對他們愛情的褻瀆。她很嚴肅地轉(zhuǎn)過身對著沃爾特說道：

“我認為你不知道愛情是什么，你對我和查理兩人之間彼此熱烈的愛情完全沒有概念，它是我們生命中唯一重要的東西，如果讓我們?yōu)榱藧矍樽龀鰻奚?，我們會毫不猶豫?！?/p>

他向她微微鞠了一躬，但是什么話也沒有說，目送著她昂首挺胸走出房間。