雙語(yǔ)《如何享受人生,享受工作》 第九章　與人交往的最大秘密

Chapter 9　The Big Secret of Dealing with People

There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it.

Remember, there is no other way.

Of course, you can make someone want to give you his watch by sticking a revolver in his ribs. You can make your employees give you cooperation—until your back is turned—by threatening to fire them. You can make a child do what you want it to do by a whip or a threat. But these crude methods have sharply undesirable repercussions.

The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want.

What do you want?

Sigmund Freud said that everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great.

John Dewey, one of America's most profound philosophers, phrased it a bit differently. Dr. Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is“the desire to be important.”Remember that phrase:“the desire to be important.”It is significant. You are going to hear a lot about it in this book.

What do you want? Not many things, but the few things that you do wish, you crave with an insistence that will not be denied. Some of the things most people want include:

1. Health and the preservation of life.

2. Food.

3. Sleep.

4. Money and the things money will buy.

5. Life in the hereafter.

6. Sexual gratification.

7. The well-being of our children.

8. A feeling of importance.

Almost all these wants are usually gratified—all except one. But there is one longing—almost as deep, almost as imperious, as the desire for food or sleep—which is seldom gratified. It is what Freud calls“the desire to be great.”It is what Dewey calls the“desire to be important.”

Lincoln once began a letter saying:“Everybody likes a compliment.”William James said:“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”He didn't speak, mind you, of the“wish”or the“desire”or the“l(fā)onging”to be appreciated. He said the“craving”to be appreciated.

Here is a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger, and the rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart hunger will hold people in the palm of his or her hand and“even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies.”

The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals. To illustrate: When I was a farm boy out in Missouri, my father bred fine Duroc-Jersey hogs and pedigreed white-faced cattle. We used to exhibit our hogs and white-faced cattle at the country fairs and livestock shows throughout the Middle West. We won first prizes by the score. My father pinned his blue ribbons on a sheet of white muslin, and when friends or visitors came to the house, he would get out the long sheet of muslin. He would hold one end and I would hold the other while he exhibited the blue ribbons.

The hogs didn't care about the ribbons they had won. But Father did. These prizes gave him a feeling of importance.

If our ancestors hadn't had this flaming urge for a feeling of importance, civilization would have been impossible. Without it, we should have been just about like animals.

It was this desire for a feeling of importance that led an uneducated, poverty-stricken grocery clerk to study some law books he found in the bottom of a barrel of household plunder that he had bought for fifty cents. You have probably heard of this grocery clerk. His name was Lincoln.

It was this desire for a feeling of importance that inspired Dickens to write his immortal novels. This desire inspired Sir Christopher Wren to design his symphonies in stone. This desire made Rockefeller amass millions that he never spent! And this same desire made the richest family in your town build a house far too large for its requirements.

This desire makes you want to wear the latest styles, drive the latest cars, and talk about your brilliant children.

It is this desire that lures many boys and girls into joining gangs and engaging in criminal activities. The average young criminal, according to E. P. Mulrooney, onetime police commissioner of New York, is filled with ego, and his first request after arrest is for those lurid newspapers that make him out a hero. The disagreeable prospect of serving time seems remote so long as he can gloat over his likeness sharing space with pictures of sports figures, movie and TV stars and politicians.

If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I'll tell you what you are. That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you. For example, John D. Rockefeller got his feeling of importance by giving money to erect a modern hospital in Peking, China, to care for millions of poor people whom he had never seen and never would see. Dillinger, on the other hand, got his feeling of importance by being a bandit, a bank robber and killer. When the FBI agents were hunting him, he dashed into a farmhouse up in Minnesota and said,“I'm Dillinger!”He was proud of the fact that he was Public Enemy Number One.“I'm not going to hurt you, but I'm Dillinger!”he said.

Yes, the one significant difference between Dillinger and Rockefeller is how they got their feeling of importance.

History sparkles with amusing examples of famous people struggling for a feeling of importance. Even George Washington wanted to be called“His Mightiness, the President of the United States”; and Columbus pleaded for the title“Admiral of the Ocean and Viceroy of India.”Catherine the Great refused to open letters that were not addressed to“Her Imperial Majesty”; and Mrs. Lincoln, in the White House, turned upon Mrs. Grant like a tigress and shouted,“How dare you be seated in my presence until I invite you!”

Our millionaires helped finance Admiral Byrd's expedition to the Antarctic in 1928 with the understanding that ranges of icy mountains would be named after them; and Victor Hugo aspired to have nothing less than the city of Paris renamed in his honor. Even Shakespeare, mightiest of the mighty, tried to add luster to his name by procuring a coat of arms for his family.

People sometimes became invalids in order to win sympathy and attention, and get a feeling of importance. For example, take Mrs. McKinley. She got a feeling of importance by forcing her husband, the President of the United States, to neglect important affairs of state while he reclined on the bed beside her for hours at a time, his arm about her, soothing her to sleep. She fed her gnawing desire for attention by insisting that he remain with her while she was having her teeth fixed, and once created a stormy scene when he had to leave her alone with the dentist while he kept an appointment with John Hay, his secretary of state.

The writer Mary Roberts Rinehart once told me of a bright, vigorous young woman who became an invalid in order to get a feeling of importance.“One day,”said Mrs. Rinehart,“this woman had been obliged to face something, her age perhaps. The lonely years were stretching ahead and there was little left for her to anticipate.

“She took to her bed; and for ten years her old mother traveled to the third floor and back, carrying trays, nursing her. Then one day the old mother, weary with service, lay down and died. For some weeks, the invalid languished; then she got up, put on her clothing, and resumed living again.”

Some authorities declare that people may actually go insane in order to find, in the dreamland of insanity, the feeling of importance that has been denied them in the harsh world of reality. There are more patients suffering from mental diseases in the United States than from all other diseases combined.

What is the cause of insanity?

Nobody can answer such a sweeping question, but we know that certain diseases, such as syphilis, break down and destroy the brain cells and result in insanity. In fact, about one-half of all mental diseases can be attributed to such physical causes as brain lesions, alcohol, toxins and injuries. But the other half—and this is the appalling part of the story—the other half of the people who go insane apparently have nothing organically wrong with their brain cells. In post-mortem examinations, when their brain tissues are studied under the highest-powered microscopes, these tissues are found to be apparently just as healthy as yours and mine.

Why do these people go insane?

I put that question to the head physician of one of our most important psychiatric hospitals. This doctor, who has received the highest honors and the most coveted awards for his knowledge of this subject, told me frankly that he didn't know why people went insane. Nobody knows for sure. But he did say that many people who go insane find in insanity a feeling of importance that they were unable to achieve in the world of reality. Then he told me this story:

“I have a patient right now whose marriage proved to be a tragedy. She wanted love, sexual gratification, children and social prestige, but life blasted all her hopes. Her husband didn't love her. He refused even to eat with her and forced her to serve his meals in his room upstairs. She had no children, no social standing. She went insane; and, in her imagination, she divorced her husband and resumed her maiden name. She now believes she has married into English aristocracy, and she insists on being called Lady Smith.

“And as for children, she imagines now that she has had a new child every night. Each time I call on her she says:‘Doctor, I had a baby last night.’”

Life once wrecked all her dream ships on the sharp rocks of reality; but in the sunny, fantasy isles of insanity, all her barkentines race into port with canvas billowing and winds singing through the masts.

Tragic? Oh, I don't know. Her physician said to me:“If I could stretch out my hand and restore her sanity, I wouldn't do it. She's much happier as she is.”

If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity.

One of the first people in American business to be paid a salary of over a million dollars a year (when there was no income tax and a person earning fifty dollars a week was considered well off ) was Charles Schwab. He had been picked by Andrew Carnegie to become the first president of the newly formed United States Steel Company in 1921, when Schwab was only thirty-eight years old. (Schwab later left U. S. Steel to take over the then-troubled Bethlehem Steel Company, and he rebuilt it into one of the most profitable companies in America. )

Why did Andrew Carnegie pay a million dollars a year, or more than three thousand dollars a day, to Charles Schwab? Why? Because Schwab was a genius? No. Because he knew more about the manufacture of steel than other people? Nonsense. Charles Schwab told me himself that he had many men working for him who knew more about the manufacture of steel than he did.

Schwab says that he was paid this salary largely because of his ability to deal with people. I asked him how he did it. Here is his secret set down in his own words—words that ought to be cast in eternal bronze and hung in every home and school, every shop and office in the land—words that children ought to memorize instead of wasting their time memorizing the conjugation of Latin verbs or the amount of the annual rainfall in Brazil— words that will all but transform your life and mine if we will only live them:

“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,”said Schwab,“the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.

“There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”

That is what Schwab did. But what do average people do? The exact opposite. If they don't like a thing, they bawl out their subordinates; if they do like it, they say nothing. As the old couple says:“Once I did bad and that I heard ever. Twice I did good, but that I heard never.”

“In my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world,”Schwab declared,“I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”

That he said, frankly, was one of the outstanding reasons for the phenomenal success of Andrew Carnegie. Carnegie praised his associates publicly as well as privately.

Carnegie wanted to praise his assistants even on his tombstone. He wrote an epitaph for himself which read:“Here lies one who knew how to get around him men who were cleverer than himself.”

Sincere appreciation was one of the secrets of the first John D. Rockefeller's success in handling men. For example, when one of his partners, Edward T. Bedford, lost a million dollars for the firm by a bad buy in South America, John D. might have criticized; but he knew Bedford had done his best—and the incident was closed. So Rockefeller found something to praise; he congratulated Bedford because he had been able to save 60 percent of the money he had invested.“That's splendid,”said Rockefeller.“We don't always do as well as that upstairs.”

I have among my clippings a story that I know never happened, but it illustrates a truth, so I'll repeat it:

According to this silly story, a farm woman, at the end of a heavy day's work, set before her menfolks a heaping pile of hay. And when they indignantly demanded whether she had gone crazy, she replied:“Why, how did I know you'd notice? I've been cooking for you men for the last twenty years and in all that time I ain't heard no word to let me know you wasn't just eating hay.”

When a study was made a few years ago on runaway wives, what do you think was discovered to be the main reason wives ran away? It was“l(fā)ack of appreciation.”And I'd bet that a similar study made of runaway husbands would come out the same way. We often take our spouses so much for granted that we never let them know we appreciate them.

A member of one of our classes told of a request made by his wife. She and a group of other women in her church were involved in a self-improvement program. She asked her husband to help her by listing six things he believed she could do to help her become a better wife. He reported to the class:“I was surprised by such a request. Frankly, it would have been easy for me to list six things I would like to change about her—my heavens, she could have listed a thousand things she would like to change about me—but I didn't. I said to her,‘Let me think about it and give you an answer in the morning.’

“The next morning I got up very early and called the florist and had them send six red roses to my wife with a note saying:‘I can't think of six things I would like to change about you. I love you the way you are.’

“When I arrived at home that evening, who do you think greeted me at the door? That's right. My wife! She was almost in tears. Needless to say, I was extremely glad I had not criticized her as she had requested.

“The following Sunday at church, after she had reported the results of her assignment, several women with whom she had been studying came up to me and said,‘That was the most considerate thing I have ever heard.’It was then I realized the power of appreciation.”

Florenz Ziegfeld, the most spectacular producer who ever dazzled Broadway, gained his reputation by his subtle ability to“glorify the American girl.”Time after time, he took drab little creatures that no one ever looked at twice and transformed them on the stage into glamorous visions of mystery and seduction. Knowing the value of appreciation and confidence, he made women feel beautiful by the sheer power of his gallantry and consideration. He was practical: he raised the salary of chorus girls from thirty dollars week to as high as one hundred and seventy-five. And he was also chivalrous; on opening night at the Follies, he sent telegrams to the stars in the cast, and he deluged every chorus girl in the show with American Beauty roses.

I once succumbed to the fad of fasting and went for six days and nights without eating. It wasn't difficult. I was less hungry at the end of the sixth day than I was at the end of the second. Yet I know, as you know, people who would think they had committed a crime if they let their families or employees go for six days without food; but they will let them go for six days, and six weeks, and sometimes sixty years without giving them the hearty appreciation that they crave almost as much as they crave food.

When Alfred Lunt, one of the great actors of his time, played the leading role in Reunion in Vienna, he said,“There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem.”

We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem? We provide them with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.

Paul Harvey, in one of his radio broadcasts,“The Rest of the Story,”told how showing sincere appreciation can change a person's life. He reported that years ago a teacher in Detroit asked Stevie Morris to help her find a mouse that was lost in the classroom. You see, she appreciated fact that nature had given Stevie something no one else in the room had. Nature had given Stevie a remarkable pair of ears to compensate for his blind eyes. But this was really the first time Stevie had been shown appreciation for those talented ears. Now, years later, he says that this act of appreciation was the beginning of a new life. You see, from that time on he developed his gift of hearing and went on to become, under the stage name of Stevie Wonder, one of the great pop singers and songwriters of the seventies.(1)

Some readers are saying right now as they read these lines:“Oh, phooey! Flattery! Bear oil! I've tried that stuff. It doesn't work—not with intelligent people.”

Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow, selfish and insincere. It ought to fail and it usually does. True, some people are so hungry, so thirsty, for appreciation that they will swallow anything, just as a starving man will eat grass and fishworms.

Even Queen Victoria was susceptible to flattery. Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli confessed that he put it on thick in dealing with the Queen. To use his exact words, he said he“spread it on with a trowel.”But Disraeli was one of the most polished, deft and adroit men who ever ruled the far-flung British Empire. He was a genius in his line. What would work for him wouldn't necessarily work for you and me. In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good. Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else.

The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.

I recently saw a bust of Mexican hero General Alvaro Obregon in the Chapultepec palace in Mexico City. Below the bust are carved these wise words from General Obregon's philosophy:“Don't be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.”

No! No! No! I am not suggesting flattery! Far from it. I'm talking about a new way of life. Let me repeat. I am talking about a new way of life.

King George V had a set of six maxims displayed on the walls of his study at Buckingham Palace. One of these maxims said:“Teach me neither to proffer nor receive cheap praise.”That's all flattery is—cheap praise. I once read a definition of flattery that may beworth repeating:“Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself.”

“Use what language you will,”said Ralph Waldo Emerson,“you can never say anything but what you are.”

If all we had to do was flatter, everybody would catch on and we should all be experts in human relations.

When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person's good points, we won't have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth.

One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation. Somehow, we neglect to praise our son or daughter when he or she brings home a good report card, and we fail to encourage our children when they first succeed in baking a cake or building a birdhouse. Nothing pleases children more than this kind of parental interest and approval.

The next time you enjoy filet mignon at the club, send word to the chef that it was excellently prepared, and when a tired salesperson shows you unusual courtesy, please mention it.

Every minister, lecturer and public speaker knows the discouragement of pouring himself or herself out to an audience and not receiving a single ripple of appreciative comment. What applies to professionals applies doubly to workers in offices, shops and factories and our families and friends. In our interpersonal relations we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy.

Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.

Pamela Dunham of New Fairfield, Connecticut, had among her responsibilities on her job the supervision of a janitor who was doing a very poor job. The other employees would jeer at him and litter the hallways to show him what a bad job he was doing. It was so bad, productive time was being lost in the shop.

Without success, Pam tried various ways to motivate this person. She noticed that occasionally he did a particularly good piece of work. She made a point to praise him for it in front of the other people. Each day the job he did all around got better, and pretty soon he started doing all his work efficiently. Now he does an excellent job and other people give him appreciation and recognition. Honest appreciation got results where criticism and ridicule failed.

Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for. There is an old saying that I have cut out and pasted on my mirror where I cannot help but see it every day:

I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.

Emerson said:“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

If that was true of Emerson, isn't it likely to be a thousand times more true of you and me? Let's cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let's try to figure out the other person's good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be“hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,”and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime—repeat them years after you have forgotten them.

GIVE HONEST AND SINCERE APPRECIATION.

————————————————————

(1) Paul Aurandt, Paul Harvey's The Rest of the Story (New York: Doubleday, 1977). Edited and compiled by Lynne Harvey. Copyright by Paulynne, Inc.

第九章　與人交往的最大秘密

天底下只有一種讓別人做事的方法。你是否停下來(lái)想過(guò)這個(gè)問(wèn)題？是的，只有一種。那就是讓對(duì)方愿意做這件事。

記住，再?zèng)]有其他的方式。

當(dāng)然，你可以用槍口頂著對(duì)方的腦袋，讓他給你手表。你也可以用威脅開(kāi)除員工的方式使他為你的企業(yè)努力工作。你可以用打罵的方式讓小孩做你想讓他做的事。然而這些原始的方式都有極度不利的后果。

我能讓你做任何事的唯一方式就是給你你想要的。

你想要什么？

西格蒙德·弗洛伊德說(shuō)過(guò)，每個(gè)人做事只有兩個(gè)動(dòng)機(jī)：性沖動(dòng)和渴望卓越。

美國(guó)影響最深遠(yuǎn)的哲學(xué)家之一約翰·杜威卻有不同的觀點(diǎn)。他說(shuō)人性最根本的需求是“對(duì)重要感的追求”。請(qǐng)記住這幾個(gè)字：“對(duì)重要感的追求”。這很重要。你在此書(shū)中會(huì)多次聽(tīng)到這些字。

你想要什么？好像不多，但你對(duì)少數(shù)幾樣?xùn)|西的渴望是勢(shì)不可擋的。大多數(shù)人渴望的東西包括：

1．健康長(zhǎng)壽

2．食物

3．睡眠

4．金錢(qián)以及金錢(qián)可以買(mǎi)到的東西

5．永生

6．性滿足

7．子孫的幸福

8．重要感

這幾乎都能被滿足，除了一個(gè)。但是還有一種渴求——幾乎和對(duì)食物與睡眠的渴求一樣深切與急迫——卻很少被滿足。那就是弗洛伊德所說(shuō)的“渴望卓越”，即約翰·杜威所說(shuō)的“對(duì)重要感的追求”。

林肯曾在一封信的開(kāi)頭寫(xiě)道：“每個(gè)人都喜歡被稱(chēng)贊?！蓖ふ材肥空f(shuō)過(guò)：“人性最基本的規(guī)律便是對(duì)稱(chēng)贊的渴求?！弊⒁猓](méi)有說(shuō)對(duì)稱(chēng)贊的需要或欲望，而是說(shuō)對(duì)它的“渴求”。

這就是令人苦惱卻又不懈追求的人性欲望，而有能力真正滿足這種心之所向的少數(shù)人便是把他人掌握在股掌中了。但“即便是這些操縱者，在臨死前也會(huì)有遺憾”。

“對(duì)重要感的追求”是人和動(dòng)物的區(qū)別之一。比如說(shuō)：當(dāng)我還是密蘇里農(nóng)場(chǎng)里的小男孩時(shí)，我爸爸養(yǎng)殖著品種優(yōu)良的杜洛克大紅豬和純種白面牛。我們還會(huì)到中西部的鄉(xiāng)村展覽和牲口秀上展示我們的豬和牛，并得了好幾次第一名。我爸爸把他的所有藍(lán)緞榮譽(yù)釘在一塊白布上，親朋好友來(lái)訪時(shí)，他會(huì)拿出長(zhǎng)長(zhǎng)的白布給他們看。每次展示藍(lán)緞時(shí)，他都拿著白布的一端，而我拿著另一端。

那些豬不在意它們贏得的榮譽(yù)，但是爸爸在意。這些獎(jiǎng)?wù)陆o了他重要感。

如果我們的祖先沒(méi)有這種對(duì)重要感的熱切渴望，人類(lèi)文明便不會(huì)誕生。沒(méi)有文明，我們和動(dòng)物之間也就沒(méi)多大差別了。

這種對(duì)重要感的渴望讓狄更斯寫(xiě)下了不朽的篇章；這種渴望使克里斯多夫·雷恩爵士砌出了石頭的交響曲；這種渴望令洛克菲勒積攢了他一輩子也花不完的千百萬(wàn)美金。而這種渴望也讓你的城鎮(zhèn)里最富裕的家庭建起了超出實(shí)際需要的大房子。

這種渴望支配著你——你想要穿最流行的衣服，開(kāi)最新款的車(chē)，并不厭其煩地夸贊你那聰明的孩子。

這種渴望也引誘了很多少男少女加入幫派，從事犯罪活動(dòng)。據(jù)紐約市前公安局局長(zhǎng)所說(shuō)，一般的年輕犯罪分子都有很強(qiáng)的自我意識(shí)，被關(guān)押后的第一個(gè)要求便是讓那些不靠譜的小報(bào)把他們報(bào)道成大英雄。令人不悅的監(jiān)禁生活對(duì)他們來(lái)講并不要緊，只要他們能心滿意足地看著自己的頭像和體育明星、影視明星以及政治家出現(xiàn)在同一個(gè)版面上。

如果你能告訴我你是如何獲取重要感的，我就能告訴你你是怎樣的人。這決定了你的人格，是關(guān)于你的最重要的信息。比如，約翰·D．洛克菲勒獲取重要感的方式是通過(guò)捐錢(qián)為中國(guó)北京建立一座現(xiàn)代醫(yī)院，照料成千上萬(wàn)他不曾見(jiàn)到也不會(huì)見(jiàn)到的窮苦人。相反的，迪林杰通過(guò)做一名土匪、強(qiáng)盜和殺手而得到重要感。當(dāng)聯(lián)邦調(diào)查局特工追捕他時(shí)，他闖入明尼蘇達(dá)的一個(gè)農(nóng)家并宣布：“我是迪林杰！”他對(duì)于自己是國(guó)民頭號(hào)公敵而感到驕傲?！拔也粫?huì)傷害你，不過(guò)我是迪林杰！”他這樣說(shuō)道。

沒(méi)錯(cuò)，洛克菲勒和迪林杰的首要區(qū)別便是他們獲取重要感的方式。

歷史上名人努力獲取重要感的閃光例子數(shù)不勝數(shù)。就連喬治·華盛頓都讓別人稱(chēng)自己為“至高無(wú)上的美國(guó)總統(tǒng)”。哥倫布為自己爭(zhēng)取了頭銜：“海軍上將、印度總督”；凱薩琳女皇拒絕拆閱任何沒(méi)有注明“女王陛下”敬語(yǔ)的信件；而林肯夫人和格蘭特夫人翻臉時(shí)像母老虎一樣吼叫道：“沒(méi)有我的邀請(qǐng)你怎敢坐在我的眼前！”

1928年，我們的百萬(wàn)富翁們資助了海軍上將伯德的南極探險(xiǎn)，而條件是要以他們的名字命名冰山。維克多·雨果渴望巴黎以自己的名字重新命名，以表達(dá)對(duì)他的敬意。就連莎士比亞——至高無(wú)上的代表，都希望為自己的家庭贏得一枚盾徽從而為自己的名字增輝。

有時(shí)人們還會(huì)用無(wú)能來(lái)獲取同情和關(guān)注，從而得到重要感。比如說(shuō)麥金萊夫人就是以此種方式獲得重要感的。她強(qiáng)迫她的丈夫——一位美國(guó)總統(tǒng)——拋下國(guó)家大事，陪她在床上一躺就是幾個(gè)小時(shí)，抱著她、哄她入睡。她拔牙時(shí)都需要丈夫陪伴左右從而獲取重要感，當(dāng)丈夫因趕赴與國(guó)務(wù)卿約翰·海伊的會(huì)議離開(kāi)時(shí)，她便公然大吵大鬧。

作家瑪麗·羅伯特·萊因哈特曾經(jīng)給我講過(guò)一位聰明、強(qiáng)壯的年輕女人是如何為了獲取重要感而失去行動(dòng)能力的故事。萊因哈特夫人說(shuō)：“有一天，這個(gè)女人被迫面對(duì)了一些事實(shí)，或許是她的年齡。她發(fā)現(xiàn)前方是漫長(zhǎng)的孤獨(dú)歲月，也對(duì)一切失去了期待。

“她躺到床上，臥床不起。而在之后的十年里，她的母親要往返于三層樓間，端著盤(pán)子照顧她。然后有一天這位老母親累倒了，很快便與世長(zhǎng)辭。接下來(lái)的幾周內(nèi)，這個(gè)‘病人’越來(lái)越憔悴，直到有一天，她站起身來(lái)，穿上衣服，重新開(kāi)始生活?！?/p>

一些權(quán)威人士說(shuō)，如果一個(gè)人對(duì)重要感的渴望在殘忍的現(xiàn)實(shí)中無(wú)法被滿足，那么他有可能會(huì)瘋掉，從而在瘋狂的世界里找到滿足。在美國(guó)，精神病患者比其他所有疾病患者的總和還要多。

精神病是什么導(dǎo)致的？

沒(méi)有人能回答這么大的問(wèn)題，但是我們知道有些疾病，例如梅毒，會(huì)毀壞腦細(xì)胞，導(dǎo)致精神病。實(shí)際上，一半的精神病是由物理傷害引起的，比如腦損傷、酒精中毒以及其他外傷。然而另一半精神病患者的腦細(xì)胞并沒(méi)有生理病變——這才是更令人震驚的現(xiàn)象。檢驗(yàn)時(shí)，他們的腦細(xì)胞經(jīng)過(guò)高倍顯微鏡的觀察，并沒(méi)有顯示出有何異常。

這些人又是怎么患上精神病的呢？

我向最著名的精神病院主治醫(yī)師詢問(wèn)過(guò)這個(gè)問(wèn)題。這位醫(yī)生曾經(jīng)在專(zhuān)業(yè)領(lǐng)域獲得過(guò)最高榮譽(yù)和令人仰慕的殊榮，而他坦白地告訴我，他也不知道人們?yōu)楹螘?huì)瘋掉。沒(méi)人能準(zhǔn)確地知道。但他也說(shuō)到，很多人在瘋癲的世界里找到了從前在現(xiàn)實(shí)世界中不曾擁有的重要感。然后他給我講了下面的這個(gè)故事：

“我現(xiàn)在有一位患者，她的婚姻已被證明是個(gè)悲劇。她希望得到愛(ài)、性滿足、小孩和社會(huì)名望，然而生活澆滅了她所有的希望。她的丈夫不愛(ài)她，甚至拒絕和她一起用餐，并強(qiáng)迫她把飯端到樓上他自己的屋子里。她沒(méi)有孩子，沒(méi)有社會(huì)地位。她瘋了，而在她的幻想中，她和丈夫離婚了，重新使用婚前的名字。她現(xiàn)在認(rèn)為自己嫁給了英國(guó)貴族，并堅(jiān)持讓別人叫她史密斯夫人。

“說(shuō)到孩子，她現(xiàn)在每晚都認(rèn)為自己剛生了一個(gè)孩子。每次我看望她時(shí)她都會(huì)對(duì)我說(shuō)：‘醫(yī)生，我昨晚剛生下一個(gè)嬰兒。’”

生活曾經(jīng)把她的夢(mèng)想之船撞毀在現(xiàn)實(shí)的鋒利礁石上，但在充滿陽(yáng)光和幻覺(jué)的瘋癲之島上，她所有的船都揚(yáng)帆駛?cè)敫劭凇L(fēng)兒在帆間歌唱。

聽(tīng)起來(lái)很可悲嗎？哦，這我不知道。她的醫(yī)生告訴我：“即使我伸出手就能治好她的病我也不會(huì)那樣做?，F(xiàn)在的她開(kāi)心多了?！?/p>

既然人們?nèi)绱丝释匾?，甚至愿意在精神病的世界里獲取它，想象一下如果我們?cè)谡５氖澜缋锝o予他人真誠(chéng)的感恩，那么又將發(fā)生怎樣的奇跡呢？

美國(guó)第一個(gè)掙到超過(guò)一百萬(wàn)美金年薪的人是查爾斯·施瓦布（那時(shí)還沒(méi)有施行個(gè)人所得稅，人均一周五十美金已經(jīng)算是不錯(cuò)的了）。1921年，他被安德魯·卡耐基任命為新成立的美國(guó)鋼鐵公司的第一任總裁。后來(lái)，施瓦布離開(kāi)了美國(guó)鋼鐵公司，接管了當(dāng)時(shí)問(wèn)題重重的伯利恒鋼鐵公司，并使它搖身成為美國(guó)最賺錢(qián)的公司之一。

為什么安德魯·卡耐基會(huì)付給施瓦布每年一百萬(wàn)美元，或者說(shuō)每天超過(guò)三千美元的薪水？這是為什么呢？因?yàn)槭┩卟际翘觳艈?？不是。因?yàn)樗匿撹F業(yè)知識(shí)比別人過(guò)硬？也不是。查爾斯·施瓦布親口對(duì)我說(shuō)，他手下的很多人對(duì)鋼鐵業(yè)的了解比他多得多。

施瓦布說(shuō)他能得到這樣的薪水很大程度上是因?yàn)樗萌绾闻c人交往。我問(wèn)他是如何做到的。下面是他表述的秘訣，這些話真應(yīng)該被刻在不朽的銅牌上，掛在陸地上的每個(gè)人家、每間學(xué)校、每個(gè)店鋪和每間辦公室中。學(xué)生們與其花時(shí)間背拉丁文的動(dòng)詞形式轉(zhuǎn)換或是巴西的年降雨量，不如熟記下面一段話。這些話會(huì)改變你我的生活，如果我們?cè)敢飧吨T行動(dòng)。

施瓦布說(shuō)：“我認(rèn)為我能激發(fā)人們的熱情，這種能力是我最寶貴的財(cái)富。而激勵(lì)他人做到最好的方式就是感謝與鼓勵(lì)。

“沒(méi)什么比上級(jí)的批評(píng)更能摧毀一個(gè)人的斗志了，我從不批評(píng)任何人，我相信給人樹(shù)立工作動(dòng)機(jī)的重要性。所以我愿意表?yè)P(yáng)，不愿批評(píng)。如果我喜歡一件事，那我會(huì)衷心地贊美，并毫不保留贊美之辭。”

這就是施瓦布的做法。而普通人是怎么做的呢？恰恰相反。如果他們不喜歡一件事，他們會(huì)痛罵下屬；如果他們喜歡一件事，他們卻悶不作聲。就如一句老話所述：“壞事做一次，聽(tīng)一生；好事做兩次，從未聞。”

施瓦布說(shuō)：“在我與各式各樣的人打交道、會(huì)見(jiàn)全世界最了不起的人后，還沒(méi)有遇到一個(gè)在批評(píng)聲中比在贊許聲中更加賣(mài)力做事的人——不論他多偉大、多尊貴。”

他坦言，這就是安德魯·卡耐基獲得非凡成就的一大顯著原因。無(wú)論在公開(kāi)和私下場(chǎng)合，卡耐基都會(huì)贊美他的同事。

甚至在自己的墓碑上，卡耐基都不忘贊美同事。他為自己寫(xiě)的墓志銘是這樣的：“躺在這里的是一個(gè)懂得如何與更聰明的人相處的人?！?/p>

真誠(chéng)的感激也是老洛克菲勒成功與人交往的秘訣。舉個(gè)例子來(lái)說(shuō)吧，當(dāng)他的一個(gè)合作伙伴愛(ài)德華·T．貝德福德輕信了一個(gè)南美壞人，使公司虧損了一百萬(wàn)時(shí)，洛克菲勒本可以批評(píng)他，但他知道貝德福德已經(jīng)盡力了，且事態(tài)已經(jīng)無(wú)法扭轉(zhuǎn)。但是洛克菲勒找到了可以表?yè)P(yáng)的地方，他恭喜貝德福德挽救了60％的資金。洛克菲勒說(shuō)：“這太棒了。我們上層管理者有時(shí)都做不到這么好。”

我的日記本中還有一個(gè)我知道是虛構(gòu)的故事，但它反映了真理，所以讓我把它講出來(lái)吧。

這個(gè)荒唐的小故事是這樣的：一個(gè)農(nóng)婦在一天辛勞工作后，擺了一堆干草在男人們面前。當(dāng)他們憤怒地問(wèn)婦人是不是瘋了的時(shí)候，她回答：“為什么？我怎么知道你們會(huì)注意到？我為你們這些人做了二十年的飯，也沒(méi)人告訴我吃的不是草。”

幾年前，有一項(xiàng)關(guān)于妻子離家出走的原因的調(diào)查。你認(rèn)為她們這樣做最主要的原因是什么？沒(méi)錯(cuò)，是“不被感激”。我相信調(diào)查離家的男人也會(huì)顯示同樣的結(jié)果。我們往往覺(jué)得另一半的付出是理所當(dāng)然的，以至于從未讓對(duì)方知道我們的感激。

我們訓(xùn)練班上的一個(gè)人講過(guò)他妻子提出的一個(gè)要求。他的妻子和在教堂結(jié)識(shí)的一組女友加入了一個(gè)自我提高的項(xiàng)目，她讓丈夫幫助她列出六個(gè)需要改進(jìn)的地方，以成為更完美的妻子。他對(duì)班上的人說(shuō)：“我為這一要求感到吃驚。老實(shí)說(shuō)，列出六個(gè)她能改進(jìn)的地方很容易。天啊，她能列出一千條我需要改變的地方。但是我沒(méi)有這樣做。我對(duì)她說(shuō)：‘讓我仔細(xì)想想，明早給你答案?！?/p>

“第二天早晨，我很早起床并讓花店寄來(lái)六朵玫瑰，還附上一段留言：我想不出你需要改進(jìn)的六個(gè)地方。我就愛(ài)原本的你。

“猜猜那天晚上回家時(shí)誰(shuí)在門(mén)口等我？沒(méi)錯(cuò)，是我老婆！她幾乎熱淚盈眶。不用說(shuō)，我很高興沒(méi)有按照她的指示提出改進(jìn)意見(jiàn)。

“之后的那個(gè)周日當(dāng)她在小組中公布了她的任務(wù)結(jié)果時(shí)，小組中的好幾個(gè)女人過(guò)來(lái)跟我說(shuō)：‘這是我聽(tīng)過(guò)的最體貼的事?！褪窃谀菚r(shí)我意識(shí)到了贊美的重要性?！?/p>

百老匯最耀眼的制作人弗洛倫茨·齊格菲爾德以具有“把美國(guó)女孩變得光彩奪目”的神奇能力而著稱(chēng)，他一次又一次地把毫不起眼的蓬頭垢面的小丫頭們轉(zhuǎn)變?yōu)槲枧_(tái)上充滿神秘感與誘惑的奪目風(fēng)景。他深知贊美與自信的價(jià)值，他用他那紳士風(fēng)度與純粹的關(guān)懷使女孩們覺(jué)得自己很美。他的做法很實(shí)際，他把歌舞團(tuán)女孩的薪水從每周30美金提高到最高175美金。他還很懂禮節(jié)，在富麗秀的首演之夜，他送了美國(guó)美人玫瑰給歌舞團(tuán)的每個(gè)女孩。

有一次我無(wú)法抵抗潮流，也嘗試齋戒，持續(xù)了六天六夜沒(méi)吃飯。這并不難。到了第六天晚上，我的饑餓感還沒(méi)有第二天晚上強(qiáng)烈。但你我都知道，如果你讓家人或雇員六天不吃飯，那就像是犯罪一樣；可是人們會(huì)六天、六周甚至六十年不給予他人衷心的贊美，而人們對(duì)贊美的渴求并不亞于對(duì)食物的渴求。

那個(gè)時(shí)代的當(dāng)紅演員，飾演了《重聚維也納》中男主角的阿爾弗雷德·朗特，他說(shuō)：“我最需要的莫過(guò)于自尊的滋養(yǎng)了?！?/p>

我們照顧著孩子、朋友和職員的身體，但對(duì)他們自尊的關(guān)懷又有多少？我們提供烤牛肉和土豆來(lái)為他們補(bǔ)充體力，卻忘記了給予贊美的話語(yǔ)，而正是這些話語(yǔ)，會(huì)像晨星的音樂(lè)一樣在他們的記憶中長(zhǎng)久歌唱。

保羅·哈維在他的一欄廣播節(jié)目《故事的結(jié)局》中說(shuō)過(guò)，表達(dá)衷心的贊美能改變?nèi)说囊簧?。他在廣播中講述了這樣一件事，一年前底特律州的一名老師讓史蒂夫·莫里斯幫她找教室里丟失的老鼠，而史蒂夫是個(gè)失明的孩子。你看，她欣賞自然賦予史蒂夫的獨(dú)特能力。自然為了彌補(bǔ)史蒂夫失明的眼睛而使他的聽(tīng)覺(jué)變得格外發(fā)達(dá)，但這是第一次史蒂夫的超能聽(tīng)覺(jué)被賞識(shí)。多年后的史蒂夫說(shuō)道，那個(gè)賞識(shí)之舉是他全新生活的開(kāi)始。從那時(shí)起，他不斷開(kāi)發(fā)自己的聽(tīng)覺(jué)天賦，后來(lái)成了70年代偉大的流行歌曲作者和演唱家之一，他的藝名是史提夫·汪達(dá)(1)。

我想，一些讀者讀到這里會(huì)不禁說(shuō)道：“哦，去他的吧！諂媚！奉承！這些我都試過(guò)了。對(duì)聰明人來(lái)說(shuō)根本不起作用。”

當(dāng)然，對(duì)于有辨識(shí)能力的人來(lái)說(shuō)，諂媚很難起作用。它膚淺、自私，也不誠(chéng)懇。它不該奏效也通常不會(huì)奏效。沒(méi)錯(cuò)，有些人對(duì)贊美是如此渴望，甚至愿意為得到贊美而做任何事，就像饑荒中的人會(huì)去吃草和魚(yú)餌。

就連維多利亞女王都無(wú)法抵抗阿諛?lè)畛?。英?guó)首相本杰明·迪斯雷利承認(rèn)他曾大肆吹捧女王，用他自己的話說(shuō)，就是“用鏟子抹上去厚厚的一層恭維”。然而迪斯雷利是統(tǒng)治過(guò)大英帝國(guó)的首相里最有教養(yǎng)、最機(jī)敏、最靈活的人，他簡(jiǎn)直就是個(gè)政治天才。對(duì)他來(lái)說(shuō)奏效的方式對(duì)你我來(lái)說(shuō)不一定有用。從長(zhǎng)遠(yuǎn)角度講，諂媚帶來(lái)的危害比益處多。諂媚是虛偽的，就像假鈔一樣，一旦使它流通，早晚會(huì)給你惹麻煩。

贊美與諂媚有什么不同呢？這很簡(jiǎn)單就能區(qū)分開(kāi)來(lái)。一個(gè)是真誠(chéng)的，一個(gè)是虛偽的。一個(gè)發(fā)自內(nèi)心，一個(gè)出自牙縫。一個(gè)無(wú)私，一個(gè)自私。一個(gè)被所有人欽佩，一個(gè)被所有人鄙夷。

我最近在墨西哥城查普特佩克宮看到了墨西哥英雄阿爾瓦洛·奧博雷貢將軍的半身像，雕像下刻有奧博雷貢將軍的一句至理名言：“別畏懼攻擊你的敵人，要畏懼奉承你的朋友。”

難道之前我不是在鼓吹奉承嗎？不！不！不！贊美與奉承相差甚遠(yuǎn)！我講的是一種新的生活方式。讓我重復(fù)一遍——新的生活方式。

喬治五世國(guó)王在白金漢宮的墻上陳列了六條箴言，其中一條便是：“教給我不要給予和接受廉價(jià)的贊揚(yáng)。”廉價(jià)的贊揚(yáng)——這才是奉承的全部。我曾經(jīng)讀到過(guò)一條“奉承”的定義，值得復(fù)述：“奉承是準(zhǔn)確地告訴對(duì)方他對(duì)自己的看法?！?/p>

拉爾夫·沃爾多·愛(ài)默生說(shuō)：“不論運(yùn)用何種語(yǔ)言，你說(shuō)的話都能反映你是什么樣的人?！?/p>

如果我們只渴求諂媚，每個(gè)人都能很快學(xué)會(huì)，那樣的話我們就都成了人際關(guān)系的高手了。

當(dāng)我們沒(méi)有在思考具體問(wèn)題時(shí)，95％的時(shí)候都是在想與自己有關(guān)的事。如果我們少想想自己，多想想對(duì)方，我們就不用進(jìn)行廉價(jià)而荒謬的諂媚了。其實(shí)在你張口諂媚前對(duì)方就早已把你看穿了。

日常生活中，我們最缺乏的美德便是贊美。不知為何，當(dāng)我們的子女考了好成績(jī)回家時(shí)，我們忘了表?yè)P(yáng)他們；當(dāng)他們第一次成功烤出一個(gè)蛋糕或是做出一個(gè)鳥(niǎo)屋時(shí)，我們忘了鼓勵(lì)他們。對(duì)于孩子來(lái)說(shuō)，沒(méi)有什么比家長(zhǎng)的關(guān)注和認(rèn)同更能令他們歡呼雀躍的了。

下次當(dāng)你在會(huì)所享受了一塊菲力牛排后，請(qǐng)把對(duì)廚藝的贊美轉(zhuǎn)達(dá)給廚師；當(dāng)一個(gè)疲憊的銷(xiāo)售員對(duì)你格外彬彬有禮時(shí)，也請(qǐng)做出相應(yīng)的稱(chēng)贊。

每個(gè)官員、講師和公共講演者都明白，對(duì)觀眾掏心掏肺卻沒(méi)有得到一絲贊許的回應(yīng)，這多么令人泄氣。對(duì)于專(zhuān)業(yè)人士來(lái)講已然如此，那么對(duì)辦公室、商店和工廠里的工人以及我們的家人和朋友來(lái)講則更是如此。在人際交往中，我們要永遠(yuǎn)記住，每個(gè)和我們打交道的都是人，都有對(duì)贊許的渴求。這是每個(gè)靈魂都欣然接受的通用貨幣。

試著在你的每日軌跡中灑滿贊美的火花，你會(huì)驚訝地發(fā)現(xiàn)，你種下的友誼火種在你下一次路過(guò)時(shí)早已成為了玫瑰色的篝火。

康涅狄格州費(fèi)爾菲爾德市的帕梅拉·鄧納姆每日工作中的一個(gè)任務(wù)就是監(jiān)管一名工作做得很糟糕的清潔工。其他員工會(huì)嘲笑這個(gè)清潔工，并把垃圾撒在過(guò)道里，以表示對(duì)他工作的不滿。他的情況太糟糕，以至于浪費(fèi)了店里許多的工作時(shí)間。

帕梅拉試過(guò)多種方式來(lái)鼓勵(lì)這名清潔工，但都以失敗收?qǐng)觥Ｋl(fā)現(xiàn)這個(gè)人有時(shí)會(huì)把一小部分工作做得非常好，于是她特意當(dāng)眾表?yè)P(yáng)了他。后來(lái)，他的整體工作越做越好，不久便能高效完成他所有的任務(wù)了?，F(xiàn)在，他工作更加出色，人們也給予了他贊賞與認(rèn)可。誠(chéng)懇的稱(chēng)贊解決了批評(píng)和嘲笑所不能解決的問(wèn)題。

傷害他人不但無(wú)法改變他，還永遠(yuǎn)不受歡迎。我把一句老話貼在了我的鏡子上，每天都會(huì)不自覺(jué)地看到它：

這條路我只能走一次，如果我能為任何人做些有益的事，對(duì)任何人表示善意，那就讓我立刻行動(dòng)。不要等待也不要怠慢，因?yàn)檫@條路我只能走一次。

愛(ài)默生說(shuō)過(guò)：“我遇到的每個(gè)人在某些方面都比我強(qiáng)，都是我的導(dǎo)師?！?/p>

如果對(duì)愛(ài)默生都是如此，那么對(duì)你和我來(lái)說(shuō)，這話更是有千百倍的道理了。讓我們少想想自己的成就和需求，試圖多發(fā)現(xiàn)他人的優(yōu)點(diǎn)。讓我們忘記諂媚這件事，誠(chéng)實(shí)、誠(chéng)懇地給予贊美。“真心地稱(chēng)贊，不吝惜贊美之詞”，人們便會(huì)珍視你說(shuō)的話，不僅珍藏它們，并一輩子想著它——在你已然忘記的時(shí)候依然會(huì)重復(fù)著你說(shuō)過(guò)的話。

請(qǐng)給予誠(chéng)實(shí)、誠(chéng)懇的贊美。

————————————————————

(1) 保羅·奧朗特，保羅·哈維的《故事的結(jié)局》（紐約：雙日出版社，1977）。琳·哈維編輯并整理。Paulynne公司版權(quán)所有。