書蟲5級《純真年代》9. 埃倫返回紐約

9. ELLEN RETURNS TO NEW YORK

The following evening Newland was waiting at Jersey City station for the Washington train. In his senseless schoolboy happiness he pictured Madame Olenska getting out of the train, then her arm in his as he guided her to the carriage, and then a journey that would go on for ever. He had so much to say to her!

The train came in, and he saw her pale face in the crowd of passengers. They reached each other, their hands met, and he drew her arm through his. 'This way – I have the carriage,' he said. After that it all happened as he had dreamed.

Do you know,' he said, as they drove away from the station, 'I almost couldn't remember you? How can I explain? Each time you happen to me all over again.'

Oh, yes, I know! I know! It happens to me too!'

Ellen – Ellen – Ellen!'

She made no answer and he sat in silence, watching her as she looked out of the window. How little they knew of each other, after all! The precious moments were slipping away, but he had forgotten everything he meant to say.

What a pretty carriage!' she said, suddenly turning her face from the window. 'Is it May's? She sent you to fetch me, then? How kind of her!'

Her mentioning May's name made him angry, so he burst out, 'Your husband's secretary came to see me, you know.'

I'm not surprised. He'd met you in England, hadn't he?'

Ellen – I must ask you one thing. Was it Rivière who helped you to get away – when you left your husband?'

Yes. I owe him a great debt,' she replied calmly.

I think you're the most honest woman I ever met!'

Oh no – but probably one of the least difficult.'

Well – you've had to look at things as they are.'

Yes – I've had to look at wickedness, it's true.'

It hasn't blinded you!'

It doesn't blind one, but it dries up one's tears.'

The answer seemed to come from depths of experience beyond Newland's reach.

If you're not blind, then, you must see this can't last,' he said. 'Our being together – and not together.'

No. You shouldn't have come today,' and suddenly she turned, threw her arms around him and pressed her lips to his. In a moment she drew away, and they sat silent and unmoving, until Newland started speaking hurriedly.

Don't be afraid of me. A stolen kiss isn't what I want. Look, I'm not even trying to touch your sleeve. When we're apart, and I'm looking forward to seeing you, every thought is burnt up in a great flame. But then you come and you're so much more than I remembered, and what I want of you is so much more than an hour or two, with weeks of thirsty waiting between, that I can sit perfectly still beside you like this, just quietly trusting my dream to come true.'

For a moment she was silent. 'What do you mean by trusting it to come true?' she whispered.

Why – you know it will, don't you?'

Your dream of you and me together?' She burst into a sudden hard laugh. 'You choose a good place to tell me about it!'

You mean, in my wife's carriage? Shall we get out and walk? I don't suppose you mind a little snow?'

She laughed again, more quietly. 'No, I don't want to walk, because I want to see my grandmother as soon as possible. We'll sit quietly, and we'll look, not at dreams, but at realities.'

The only reality for me is this.'

There was a long silence. 'Is it your idea, then, that I should live with you as your mistress, since I can't be your wife?'

He was shocked by her plain speaking, and had difficulty finding the words. 'I want – I want to get away to a place where we could simply be two human beings who love each other, who are the whole of life to each other, and nothing else will matter.'

She laughed. 'Oh my dear – where is that country? Have you ever been there? Believe me, it's a miserable little place!'

Then what exactly is your plan for us?' cried Newland.

For us? But there's no us in that sense! We're only Newland Archer, husband of Ellen Olenska's cousin, and Ellen Olenska, cousin of Newland Archer's wife, trying to be happy behind the backs of the people who trust them.'

Ah, I'm beyond that,' whispered Newland.

No, you're not! You've never been beyond. And I have,' she said in a strange voice, 'and I know what it looks like there.'

He sat silent, in wordless pain. Then he rang the bell to tell the driver to stop. 'I'll get out here,' he said, opening the door and jumping out. 'You're right, I shouldn't have come.' She bent forward, about to speak, but he had already called out the order to drive on. As the carriage rolled away, he felt something stiff and cold on his face, and realized that he had been crying, and the icy wind had frozen his tears.

That evening Newland had dinner at home with May, who did not mention Ellen Olenska once. After dinner they sat together in the sitting room. May was doing her sewing, while Newland was reading. Occasionally he raised his eyes from his book and looked at May with secret despair. He would always know her thoughts; never would she surprise him by an unexpected mood or a new idea. Now she was simply becoming a copy of her mother, and mysteriously, in the same way, trying to turn him into a Mr Welland. He stood up impatiently, and at once she looked up.

What's the matter, dear?'

The room's too warm. I want a little air.' He pulled the heavy curtains and opened a window, so that he could put his head and shoulders out into the icy darkness.

Newland! Do shut the window. You'll catch your death.'

Catch my death!' he echoed, and felt like adding, 'I've caught it already. I am dead – I've been dead for months now.'

As he walked back to his chair, he laid a hand on her hair. 'Poor May!' he said.

Poor? Why poor?' she asked with a little laugh.

Because I shall never be able to open a window without worrying you,' he replied, also laughing.

For a moment she was silent. Then she said very low, her head bent over her sewing, 'I shall never worry if you're happy.'

Ah, my dear! And I shall never be happy unless I can open the window!'

In this weather?' she said. Without replying he buried his head in his book again.

Six or seven days passed. Newland heard nothing from Madame Olenska and became aware that her name would not be mentioned in his presence by the family. He did not try to see her, but a plan was slowly taking shape in the back of his mind.

Then one day May told him her grandmother wanted to see him, and Newland hurried over to Mrs Mingott's house. His plan was simple. He would see Ellen there and find out on which day and by which train she was returning to Washington. He would join her on that train, and travel with her, as far as she wanted to go – his choice would be Japan. He would leave a note for May that would prevent his ever coming back.

But old Mrs Mingott told him with great delight that she had managed to persuade Ellen to stay in New York and look after her. Newland felt confused. He would be able to see Ellen now and then, but their future would be limited to secret meetings and letters. He would find himself telling more lies to May, and going against habit and honour and all the ancient rules he and his people had always believed in...

As he was walking down Fifth Avenue, he saw Mrs Mingott's carriage outside the Beauforts' house, and knew Ellen must be visiting Regina Beaufort. He waited, and stopped Ellen as she was coming out of the front door.

I must see you tomorrow – somewhere we can be alone,' he said. 'At the Museum of Art, in the park? At half-past two?'

She turned away without replying, and got quickly into the carriage. 'She'll be there!' he told himself confidently.

In the Museum of Art they walked slowly through the rooms. There were no other visitors, and their steps echoed loudly.

It's a strange place,' said Madame Olenska.

Some day, I suppose it'll be a great museum.'

He sat down and watched the light movements of her figure, so girlish even under her heavy furs, as she looked at the paintings.

What is it you wanted to tell me?' she asked.

I believe you came to New York because you were afraid of my coming to Washington. Did you know I was planning to?'

She looked down. 'Well – yes. I knew.'

Well, then?' he insisted.

Well, then. This is better, isn't it? We shall hurt others less. Isn't it, after all, what you always wanted?'

To meet you in this way, in secret? It's the opposite of what I want. I think it's horrible!'

Oh, I'm so glad! So do I!' she cried out.

Then, what is it, in God's name, that you think is better?'

Instead of answering, she whispered, 'I promised to stay with Grandmother, because I thought I'd be safer here.'

Safer from me? Safer from loving me?'

Safer from harming other people.' She looked at him with a kind of terror, and blushed. 'Shall I – once come to you, and then go home?' she suddenly said in a low clear voice.

Dearest!' said Newland, the blood rushing to his forehead. 'But what do you mean by going home?'

Home to my husband.'

And you expect me to say yes to that?'

What else is there? I can't stay here and lie to the people who've been good to me. I can't go away with you and destroy their lives, when they've helped me to remake mine.' She turned away. 'I must go,' she said.

He followed, and caught her hand. 'Well, then, come to me once,' he said, unable to bear the thought of losing her. 'When?' he insisted. 'Tomorrow?'

She hesitated. 'The day after.'

Dearest!' he said again. For a moment they continued to look into each other's eyes, and he saw that her face, even paler now, was flooded with a deep inner happiness. Then she walked hurriedly away, turning in the doorway to wave goodbye.

The next evening Newland and May went to the opera, as guests of the van der Luydens. The Swedish singer Christine Nilsson was singing in Faust, just as she had done two years before, when Newland had first seen Ellen in her grandmother's box. Tonight Newland had moved to sit with some of his men friends, and from here he had a good view of his wife as she sat in the van der Luydens' box.

How innocent and trusting she looks!' he thought. He remembered how nobly she had once offered to give him up, and suddenly he decided to tell her the truth, to throw himself on her generosity, and ask for the freedom he had once refused.

He got up and walked round the theatre, slipping into the back of the van der Luydens' box. 'I've got a bad headache,' he whispered to May. 'Will you come home with me?'

May said a few words to her mother and Mrs van der Luyden, and soon she and Newland were driving home.

They went into their sitting room together. 'Hadn't you better go to bed at once?' she asked anxiously.

My head's not as bad as that,' Newland replied. 'There's something important I want to say to you – about myself.'

She sat silent, looking extremely pale, but calm.

Madame Olenska —' he said, but his wife raised her hand to stop him. The gaslight shone on her gold wedding ring.

Oh, why should we talk about Ellen tonight? Is it really worthwhile, dear? You've understood her, no doubt, better than we all did; you've always been kind to her. But what does it matter, now it's all over?'

All over – what do you mean?'

Why – she's going back to Europe. Grandmother agrees, and has arranged to make her independent of her husband.'

Newland turned away and covered his face. May sat without moving or speaking. At last he turned back to her.

It's impossible,' he said. 'How do you know that?'

I saw Ellen yesterday – at Grandmother's. And I had a note from her this afternoon. Do you want to see it?'

He could not find his voice. She handed him a short letter, which Newland took with a trembling hand and read. It said:

May dear, I have at last made Grandmother see that if I return to Europe, I must live by myself – she has been as kind and generous as ever. I am going back to Washington to pack, and I sail from New York next week, with poor Aunt Medora. If any of my friends want to try to change my mind, please tell them it would be useless. Ellen

Newland burst out laughing wildly. 'Why did she write this?' he asked.

May looked at him with her clear blue eyes. 'I suppose because we talked things over yesterday. I told her I understood how hard it had been for her here. I knew you'd been the one friend she had always felt sure of, and I wanted her to know that you and I were the same – in all our feelings. 'She added slowly, 'She understood my wishing to tell her this. I think she understands everything.'

She went up to Newland, and taking one of his cold hands, pressed it quickly to her face. 'My head aches too. Good night, dear,' she said, and turned to the door.

It was, as Mrs Archer smilingly said to Mrs Welland, a great event for a young couple to give their first big dinner. It had been May's idea to give a dinner for Ellen, the evening before she sailed for Europe. Now, as Newland looked round at the familiar faces at his table – May, the van der Luydens, Lawrence Lefferts, Sillerton and Sophy Jackson, the Lovell Mingotts, and Ellen – he began to realize that New York society almost certainly thought he and Ellen were lovers, but they were pretending his was a wonderfully happy marriage. And now that Ellen was leaving, it was easy for them all to pretend that they admired and respected her. He hated this dishonesty, and began to feel like a prisoner, constantly guarded by his friends and relations.

He could not remember what he said to anyone during dinner, and soon it was time for his guests to leave. There had been no chance to speak privately to Ellen. 'Goodbye,' he said to her in the hall, as he helped her on with her coat. 'But I shall see you soon in Paris.' His voice sounded loud in his ears.

Oh,' she whispered, 'if you and May could come...!'

And then she was getting into the van der Luydens' carriage, and he could no longer see her face.

A few minutes later May came to find him in the library. 'It did go well, didn't it?' she said.

Newland made an effort to speak. 'Now that you're here, there's something I must tell you. I tried to, the other night.'

Yes, dear. Something about yourself?'

Yes. I've been horribly tired lately —'

Oh, I've seen it coming on, Newland! You've been so wickedly overworked at the office!'

Perhaps it's that. Anyway, I want to make a break – to go away at once. On a long trip, away from everything —'

A long trip? Where, for example?'

Oh, I don't know, India – or Japan.'

She stood up, and came nearer to his chair.

As far as that? But I'm afraid you can't, dear.' Her voice trembled a little. 'Not unless you take me with you. That is, if the doctors will let me go... but I'm afraid they won't. You see, Newland, I've been sure since this morning of something I've been hoping for so much...'

But I'm afraid you can't, dear,' said May. 'Not unless you take me with you.'

He stared up at her, his face deathly white, and she knelt down to hide her face against his knee.

Oh, my dear,' he said, with his cold hand on her hair. There was a devilish kind of laughter inside his head.

You didn't guess?' asked May.

Yes – I – no. That is, of course, I hoped...' They looked at each other for a moment and again fell silent. 'Have you told anyone else?' he added.

Only my mother and yours.' She paused, blushing. 'And Ellen. You know I told you I'd had a long talk with her one afternoon?'

Ah...' said Newland, his heart stopping.

He felt that his wife was watching him closely. 'Did you mind my telling her first, Newland?'

Mind? Why should I?' He made a last effort to think clearly. 'But that was a fortnight ago, wasn't it? I thought you said you weren't sure till today.'

Her colour burned deeper, but she kept her eyes on his. 'No, I wasn't sure then – but I told her I was. And you see I was right!' she cried, her blue eyes wet with victory.