如何道歉才是正確的做法？

Chances are, you've had to apologize plenty of times in your life. And there's a good chance you've also uttered the phrase, "I never meant to hurt you."

生活中你可能要道歉很多次，而且很有可能說過這句話：“我從沒想過要傷害你”。

Stop doing that, says author Caroline Myss.

作者卡羅蘭·梅斯說：“別再說那句話了。”

In a talk Myss ― a spiritual seeker, researcher ― took on the topic of forgiveness and healing, and explained in no uncertain terms why "I never meant to hurt you" is never a sufficient apology, no matter who it comes from.

梅斯是一位精神導(dǎo)師和研究員，她在一次訪談中講了原諒和療傷的話題，并且非常明確地解釋了為什么“我從沒想過要傷害你”這句話永遠(yuǎn)不適合用來道歉，無論是從誰的嘴里說出來。

"Picture that person coming up to you and saying, 'Wow, bummer. I'm sorry I did this, but, you know, I never meant to hurt you. And, hey, can we just call it a day?'" Myss says.

梅斯說：“想象一下，那個人朝你走過來跟你說‘哦，哥們，很抱歉我那樣做，但你知道的，我從沒想過要傷害你。就這樣吧好嗎?’”

As tempting as it can be to move on and bury the hatchet, that type of apology won’t sit well with the person on the receiving end. "That whole little thing ― 'I never meant to hurt you' ― that's the thing you can't forgive," she says. "It goes right to your soul, that toxic, sick feeling."

雖然讓關(guān)系能發(fā)展下去并停戰(zhàn)和解是很吸引人的，但那種道歉真的不適合說給對方，她說：“那句‘我從沒想過要傷害你’所對應(yīng)的整件小事，其實(shí)就是你無法原諒的那個行為，是那種直入你心扉的難受的感覺。”

Instead, Myss says it's important to approach the conversation differently. Ultimately, it's about offering more than an apology. It's about sharing a soul-to-soul confession. "Let's redo the scene," Myss says. "[The person] comes up to you and says... 'I need to tell you something. I consciously knew what I was doing. I consciously knew it, and I have to call it something else: I sinned against you. It was a sin. I heard my conscience tell me not to do this and I didn't listen. It didn't matter to me. And I know that my actions redirected the course of your life. It was conscious. It was a sin, because it was conscious. And how much it hurt you did not stop me. This is not a boo-boo. This is not an apology. I am confessing my soul to you, and I'm asking now for your forgiveness.'"

梅斯說相反很重要的是要以別的方式引入話題，最重要的是你要強(qiáng)調(diào)你做了什么而不是道歉，應(yīng)該有心靈間的懺悔。梅斯說：“咱們重新設(shè)想一下剛才的場景，那個人走向你說‘我要跟你說件事，我深知自己做了什么，我意識到了，我覺著應(yīng)該換個說法：我得罪你了。是我的錯，我的良心告訴我不要那樣做，但我沒當(dāng)回事，這對我沒什么影響，但我知道我的行為改變了你的生活，我是有意的。是我的錯，因?yàn)槲沂枪室獾?，對你的傷害也沒能阻止我，這不是一時疏忽，我不是在道歉，這是我對你心靈的懺悔，我現(xiàn)在請求你的原諒。’”

Even saying those words on stages makes Myss visibly emotional, and she points out that this is how deeply within the soul apologies are supposed to resonate.

梅斯甚至在舞臺上說這番話時都很激動，她指出就是這種心靈的道歉才能引起深刻的共鳴。

"That's what heals," she says.

她說：“那才是治愈別人心靈的東西。”