怎么了?沒(méi)什么,我的眼睛有點(diǎn)癢.唔,我的也是。哇!真的很紅呢!你應(yīng)該去看看我的眼科醫(yī)生。Richard? 我不要去見(jiàn)你的前男友!Oh, Richard.我全聽(tīng)到了, Richard, Richard, Richard!我們?cè)谝黄鹎拔蚁胛乙呀?jīng)提及他兩次了是的,Richard, Richard!他不是Richard! 好嗎? 我新認(rèn)識(shí)的而且他技術(shù)很好不過(guò)我不要去看什么眼科醫(yī)生!哦 天啊,我記得啦!什么?無(wú)論什么東西接近她的甚至只是其他人的眼睛他就怕的要死,看!看!羅斯!別這樣!好啦!好啦!我對(duì)眼睛的事是有點(diǎn)敏感我們別談這個(gè)好嗎?好的,好。嘿 瑞秋,記得那首歌,叫“我,自己,和-我(眼)”莫尼卡!不要!嘿,誰(shuí)要去吃中飯?全算到我(眼)頭上羅斯!停!不要!我多么喜歡《國(guó)王與我(眼)》啊?錢德!我也是!我也是!我也是!停下好嗎!別這樣!- 你沒(méi)事吧?- 沒(méi)事,我太興奮了!好啦!我要走了。我要和Ben去公園。噢,代我吻他!- 沒(méi)問(wèn)題,再見(jiàn)!- 慢走!我真替你難過(guò),碰到這種事我無(wú)法想象你怎么過(guò)的下去。我很討厭他!哇 呃冷靜點(diǎn).我試著冷靜,但那人(羅斯)太討厭了!你為什么這么討厭他啊?我不想提起他,OK?那實(shí)在ˇ你想被列入我的黑名單嗎?那就繼續(xù)說(shuō)吧!順便問(wèn)問(wèn) 有人見(jiàn)過(guò)我的名單嗎?恩 沒(méi)有,菲比。什么樣子的?恩 是一張紙寫著“羅斯”這樣的。嘿.我剛和經(jīng)理人Estelle打了電話你猜怎樣?.我成了電影主角!!!!!你做主角?不會(huì)吧!關(guān)于什么的電影?!名字叫Shutter Speed, 很酷吧!我在地鐵里認(rèn)識(shí)了一個(gè)女孩且很快和她墮入愛(ài)河然后她消失了 但我找到她的住址。但當(dāng)我到了那里,有個(gè)老太婆開(kāi)門,我問(wèn)“Betsy在嗎?”她卻說(shuō)"Betsy死了已經(jīng)十年了."噢喔!有點(diǎn)冷呢!而且更好的是,我們?cè)诶咕S加斯取外景!- 你知道這意味著什么!- 我當(dāng)然知道啦 伙計(jì)!長(zhǎng)途車!我可以借一輛車!我只要在星期二前趕到那里!噢,等等我外婆死了.恩,我們也可以談?wù)勀莻€(gè) 菲比。不! 不,我意思是她的計(jì)程車!她應(yīng)該不會(huì)用,你可以開(kāi)著它去拉斯維加斯。好??!謝謝你啊 菲比!哦-哦-哦,我的工作怎么辦?。苦?,別去咯!對(duì),沒(méi)錯(cuò),長(zhǎng)途車啊寶貝!沒(méi)問(wèn)題吧?錢德!你不必得到我的許可。- 你可以去。- 謝謝.嘿 瑞秋,快點(diǎn)!和醫(yī)生約定的時(shí)間要遲到了好的!我們走吧!噢!不!看我多笨!哦,這么亂!要先清理干凈吧!我們要和醫(yī)生再約時(shí)間了!不行,如果你以為這些東西會(huì)讓我煩惱,你就錯(cuò)了。。好吧 我們?nèi)グ?小瞎妹-!錢德!!!!噢 嘿 喬伊!怎么了?我無(wú)法決定從哪條路去拉斯維加斯。嘿,你經(jīng)常出游是嗎?- 是的 我經(jīng)常出去走走的.- Okay,那么-我應(yīng)該走南邊去還是北邊去?喔,你走北邊的話你可以看到在伊利諾斯州有個(gè)人會(huì)用蜜蜂堆成大胡子好??!問(wèn)題解決了!但在南邊的路上有只雞會(huì)跳舞。那 再看看地圖吧.噢,我知道有個(gè)辦法可以決定的!好了,我會(huì)問(wèn)你一連串問(wèn)題你要盡快回答我。好啊 !來(lái),等等。好,現(xiàn)在你先放松。深呼吸。屏除雜念。- 你喜歡什么多點(diǎn) 花生還是蛋白?- 花生!- 你想要成為消防員還是游泳選手?- 游泳選手!你最想和誰(shuí)一起睡?莫尼卡還是瑞秋?莫尼卡,噢ˇ呵,我一直以為是瑞秋呢。不要想!不要想!- 窄領(lǐng)帶還是寬領(lǐng)帶?- 寬領(lǐng)帶!- 南路還是北路?- 北路!看!解決了吧!呵?哇!難以置信!蜜蜂胡子,我來(lái)啦!嘿!噢,又是這個(gè)家伙.- 嘿,怎樣了?恩,沒(méi)什么。你們晚上要和我一起去看電影嗎?當(dāng)然,你想看什么?不知道啊,恩ˇ噢,我知道該如何決定了。菲比,給他玩那個(gè)游戲!恩,不要,謝謝。她怎么啦?不知道,但嘿,我知道要怎么做.好了,我問(wèn)你問(wèn)題你要很快回答我,行嗎?好。- 你喜歡什么類型的,動(dòng)作還戲劇?- 動(dòng)作.你愿意和莫尼卡還是瑞秋睡覺(jué)?小子,你有病啊.噢,很抱歉,我忘了你有恐瑞秋癥了.哦,天??!這是干嗎用的啊?這是眼球切割機(jī).- 好的,我要走了!- 我開(kāi)玩笑的,玩笑!- 嗨 瑞秋,我是Miller醫(yī)生.- 嘿!莫尼卡說(shuō)你有點(diǎn)緊張,但不用擔(dān)心,一切會(huì)沒(méi)問(wèn)題的。那,完成啦!- 快了,但 我們要先開(kāi)始.- 好啦.- 這是青光眼測(cè)試.- 恩-哦.坐下吧.好.下巴放這里.現(xiàn)在會(huì)有點(diǎn)風(fēng)吹到你的眼睛上。什么?!很輕的,來(lái)吧!- 來(lái)啦。- 好的.1ˇ2ˇ3!對(duì)不起,我這次不會(huì)動(dòng)了,好吧.- 準(zhǔn)備?- 呵呵.1ˇ2ˇ對(duì)不起.我知道啦,我會(huì)扶住她的頭.- 沒(méi)問(wèn)題.- 好了.- 好了,好了- 1ˇ2!對(duì)不起啊.你知道嗎?你很年輕,應(yīng)該不會(huì)有青光眼的。太好了!!很高興見(jiàn)到你先生噢,嘿,你干什么啊 ,你傻啦!好了,你左眼有點(diǎn)感染。滴這種眼藥水,一天三次那你就會(huì)想沒(méi)事一樣了。是的,不, 我我不會(huì)放任何東西到眼睛里的。沒(méi)關(guān)系,但,三個(gè)月以后我們又會(huì)在這里見(jiàn)到你- 好啊!- 到時(shí)候我會(huì)給你一只玻璃眼球.好啦! 給我那些鬼眼藥水!Miller醫(yī)生?P, E, C, F, D非常好,莫尼卡!- 你知道它們?cè)谀睦?- 當(dāng)然知道!你是沒(méi)有的!你知道嗎?我一定要說(shuō),那些眼藥真的是奇跡。我的眼睛100%康復(fù)了。- 它們還在我大衣里.- 可惡!- 嘿!- 嘿! 你準(zhǔn)備好出發(fā)了么?是的,聽(tīng)好。那里有多冷?這些毛衣背心夠了嗎?還是要多一件大衣?什么?我愛(ài)你.伙計(jì),我希望羅斯也和我們一起去!我會(huì)有點(diǎn)惦記他的。非常感謝你!我剛剛才忘記了那個(gè)混蛋!嘿,我們住哪里呢?那電影會(huì)提供我們大酒店的套房嗎?呃不,不會(huì)。因?yàn)檫@是獨(dú)立制作的電影。我們沒(méi)有太多的預(yù)算。我打算住在你的房間里。我知道了,但你一拿到你的第一期片酬你要馬上轉(zhuǎn)到一個(gè)大酒店去,行嗎?我想,電影主角,他們肯定要給很多片酬給你吧?。苦?,當(dāng)然!每一塊《Shutter Speed》賺到的錢都是我的。就算一毛錢都會(huì)掉進(jìn)喬伊的口袋的。就是說(shuō)在電影賺錢前,你都沒(méi)有片酬?你沒(méi)聽(tīng)過(guò)那個(gè)電影劇本嗎?"她死了已經(jīng)十年了."我會(huì)變成百萬(wàn)富翁的!- 嗨!- 嗨!- 我只是想對(duì)你們這些家伙說(shuō)再見(jiàn)還看看你們是否能幫我下賭注,呵!?20塊賭黑15(輪盤)- 幫你賭!- 好!- 好啦,再見(jiàn)!- 再見(jiàn)!- 再見(jiàn)了伙計(jì)!- 拜拜!- 我想要送車!- 沒(méi)問(wèn)題!誰(shuí)想要在汽車前對(duì)我說(shuō)再見(jiàn)??噢,如果你不介意我的眼睛我可以到車前和你道別的。拜拜!喂,等等!這眼病很好啦!它已經(jīng)治好了!嘿,菲比,你在看什么?菲比?菲比?菲-菲比!干嗎啊!哦,對(duì)不起,剛才我沒(méi)看見(jiàn)你.菲比,你,你是討厭我還是怎樣?如果是,告訴我我干過(guò)什么!如果你不知道,我想我?guī)筒涣四?但我不知道啊。.那,我?guī)筒涣四懔?。好,怎么都好,?我非常非常抱歉,好嗎?接受道歉。好了,那,那我們和好了嗎?呃-呵。好了.那,那過(guò)會(huì)見(jiàn),好嗎?拜拜,大屁股.好啦!!菲比,現(xiàn)在就說(shuō)!你能告訴我什么東西讓你對(duì)我如此討厭我不知道!我忘記了!那你記不起,那我們能忘記這事嗎?噢,不,我很討厭你。我很清楚知道的。但,我對(duì)那“大屁股”的事很抱歉.你其實(shí)有個(gè)很好看的小臀部。老兄,我很累了。你最好一會(huì)替我一下。我們已經(jīng)開(kāi)了一個(gè)半小時(shí)的車了,而你沒(méi)有看著道路一次。不要擔(dān)心,哇那里!- 我想我只需要午餐。- 對(duì).你想吃嗎?我請(qǐng)客!那不是羅斯的錢嗎?是的,好啦。.羅斯請(qǐng)的客!- 你要到哪里吃?- 我不知道.噢,嘿,我知道該如何決定了!我要問(wèn)你一連串的問(wèn)題,你要很快的回答我,明白嗎?那,屏棄雜念!屏棄!屏棄!好啦!- 你喜歡太干還是太濕?- 太干.- 你信有鬼嗎?- 不!- 這個(gè)電影是我的一個(gè)好機(jī)會(huì)嗎?- 不是!- 什么?!- 是.小子,你說(shuō)“不是”啊我也說(shuō)了, "是!"你不認(rèn)為這是我的好機(jī)會(huì)嗎?不!啊!!!我無(wú)法相信!看,喬伊.我只是不想你的期望太高。你在說(shuō)什么啊?!我是電影的主角啊!他們甚至還沒(méi)給你片酬啊!這聽(tīng)起來(lái)甚至不象是一部電影!你知道嗎?我不需要這些!好嗎?我不知道為什么你要打擊我的機(jī)會(huì).喬,我不覺(jué)得這是你的大機(jī)會(huì)啊.這就是你要踏上旅程的原因?讓我覺(jué)得自己是個(gè)失敗者? 如果是這樣的話我要告訴你, 我-我-我寧可一個(gè)人上路.- 噢,你旅途上不需要我嗎?- 不要你這樣陪我!你不用這樣也可以啊!好了!我不想你和我一路走!好??!好!何不馬上停車?我會(huì)馬上下去的!好!出去!大橋上不準(zhǔn)停車.- 出去!!- 好!!等等!這里沒(méi)有人行道啊!好了,我會(huì)死在這里了.好的,你是因?yàn)槲野l(fā)膠的氣味討厭我嗎?不是。還是因?yàn)槲艺f(shuō)你的筆跡象小孩子?那讓我覺(jué)得很高興。.噢,我知道了!呃,那是因?yàn)樗旒m正別人的語(yǔ)法?誰(shuí)(第三人稱)! 誰(shuí)(第三人稱)!其實(shí)有時(shí)侯是“誰(shuí)”(第一人稱)!是嗎?有時(shí)候是ˇ喔,你有沒(méi)有玩游戲時(shí)打敗過(guò)他?他一輸了就象個(gè)小孩一樣。- 好,我是個(gè)小孩.- 呃! 不要!嘿!- 錢德!你怎么會(huì)在這里啊?- 嘿!喬伊把我從喬治.華盛頓橋上踢下來(lái)了!為什么?!不知道!他瘋了吧!我們?cè)谕嬉粋€(gè)游戲,你-你要很快的回答問(wèn)題。那個(gè)游戲不能在我監(jiān)管以外玩的.好,我不知道我有什么開(kāi)罪他了?我只是說(shuō)了,我不認(rèn)為那是個(gè)好機(jī)會(huì)。那電影對(duì)他不會(huì)有什么意義。還有,那聽(tīng)起來(lái)不象一部電影。好啦,他應(yīng)該把我踢下來(lái)的.袋子里的是什么?噢,我覺(jué)得你們也會(huì)怪責(zé)我。所以我在橋道上揀了點(diǎn)東西給你們做禮物誰(shuí)要一只腳的泰迪熊?我!好了.不夠近.好,那說(shuō)明什么?救命啊!我要幫助!我做不到啊!好啦!好啦!我們?cè)僭囋?- 坐下.- 好的.- 頭后仰.- 是!好啦.- 現(xiàn)在,睜開(kāi)眼.- 好了,已經(jīng)張開(kāi)了.我現(xiàn)在舉起幾根手指?四根.噢 天,我也在想著是四啊.- 真的?!- 是啊!是!好了,不如我們來(lái)一次練習(xí)吧?好嗎?- 好嗎?- 好!- 沒(méi)有眼藥的!- 好!- 好啦.- 好了.倒數(shù)三下,1ˇ2ˇ3!我的枕頭濕了!好啊,好啊,你還說(shuō)是練習(xí)!- 那你還動(dòng)?!- 因?yàn)槲抑滥阍谡f(shuō)謊!- 好了,過(guò)來(lái)!- 你干...?莫尼卡!!住手!! 哦,天啊! 住手!我要ˇ 我要--轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)來(lái)!我ˇ 我要滴這些藥水到你眼里.哦,天! 你瘋起來(lái)還挺有勁啊!莫尼卡! 住手!該死! 空了!哇,如果現(xiàn)在喬伊和錢德進(jìn)來(lái)的話,我們可就糗大了!噢 那絕對(duì)是錢德,喬伊,或羅斯?;?或者瑞秋!喂?是喬伊。.很高興你打來(lái)! 錢德已經(jīng)告訴我發(fā)生什么事了.你知道,他為此很沮喪啊.他發(fā)現(xiàn)我怎樣對(duì)付他的毛衣背心的時(shí)候會(huì)更沮喪!你對(duì)他的毛衣干了什么?可以說(shuō)俄亥俄州的狗穿的很好看.嘿,莫尼卡,菲比在嗎? 我要問(wèn)她一下車子的事。.她在,等等.- 嘿,小子!- 嘿 菲比!聽(tīng)好,有個(gè)木盒在座位下整天滑出來(lái)。到底是什么來(lái)的?噢,那是我的外婆.還要謝謝你,喬伊.她玩的很高興。是喬伊嗎? 是喬伊嗎? 讓我說(shuō)! 我想跟他說(shuō)說(shuō)!喬伊?錢德在,他想和你ˇ沒(méi)關(guān)系,我想他的零錢用光了.你看,他連話都不跟我說(shuō)了.他不跟我說(shuō)話我怎么能跟他道歉呢?看來(lái)你得郵寄點(diǎn)東西給他.那他到了拉斯維加斯就收到你的道歉啦.是個(gè)好主意啊.我想知道哪里可以買到一大籃A片ˇ不,不要用A片來(lái)講對(duì)不起!是嗎?你知道你應(yīng)該給他什么?一大包的香煙.那他就可以用它來(lái)?yè)Q取保護(hù).不。 那是監(jiān)獄.好了 菲比,我知道我們?cè)跄苷页鲈蛄?好, 屏除雜念,快速回答我問(wèn)你的問(wèn)題.- 行嗎?- 呃-呵.你喜歡flora還是fauna多點(diǎn)?Fauna.- 你想要成為Simon還是Garfunkle?- Garfunkle.- 為什么你討厭我?- 你說(shuō)我無(wú)聊--噢!我為什么說(shuō)你無(wú)聊啊?!哦天啊,我現(xiàn)在想起啦! 我們?cè)谙缕?菲比!我和你沒(méi)有下過(guò)棋??!不會(huì)吧! 是,想想在冰湖的時(shí)候?我們正在下棋啊,你說(shuō)我無(wú)聊,然后你脫下面具,變成Cameron Diaz(變相怪杰)!好了, 有個(gè)可能.這是個(gè)夢(mèng)。嘿-嘿! Stanley! 嘿-嘿!主角來(lái)了! 我們開(kāi)工吧.呃,計(jì)劃有一點(diǎn)變動(dòng).我們已經(jīng)停工了.什-什么?! 為什么啊?!錢問(wèn)題, 我們一點(diǎn)錢都沒(méi)有.你在開(kāi)玩笑嗎?- 不.- 什么?!可能只是暫時(shí)性的.我們也希望搞到多點(diǎn)錢啊, 所以,現(xiàn)在就先,暫停.暫停?! 多久?不知道. 一周? 可能兩周?錢會(huì)來(lái)的! 人們都很喜歡投資到電影上!- 嘿,你不會(huì)很有錢吧?- 不是!呃,只是問(wèn)一下.喬伊, 保持聯(lián)系, 知道嗎?嘿 老友, 你是喬伊.崔比昂尼嗎?是啊.這個(gè)是給你的.謝謝.恭喜你有個(gè)大機(jī)會(huì).喂?嘿 莫尼卡, 我是喬伊!嘿喬伊!啊,成了大明星還記得我們啊!啊 別這樣! 怎么可能忘掉你!喬伊, 電影怎樣了, 呵?你有自己的化裝間嗎? 你有那種寫著你的名字的專坐嗎?哦,當(dāng)然,我一切順利.是了,聽(tīng)好。我要你告訴錢德他犯了不可饒恕的錯(cuò)誤!呃-哦! 我要走啦 莫尼卡, 我 呃我的壽司到了!不好意思,謝謝你們等我.笑!好了,謝謝! 祝你們?cè)趷鹑鰧m玩得愉快殺了我. 馬上殺了我吧.嘿瑞秋, 能把導(dǎo)視遞給我?好!上!!什么?!!住手! 住手! 哦,天啊!好了! 好了! 好了!3到4小時(shí)以后我們?cè)倩貋?lái)看你.
The One With Joey's Big Break
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe are there reading. Rachel is sitting on the couch flanked by Ross and Monica. She suddenly stops reading and starts blinking her left eye as if it's bothering her. The problem is that Joey is on her left and thinks she's winking at him and winks back. Ross is watching this and isn't quite sure of what to make of it.]
Ross: What's going on?
Rachel: Well, my eye is a little itchy.
(Ross turns to look at Joey.)
Joey: Uhhh, mine too! Yeah.
Monica: (To Rachel) Wow! It's really red! You should go see my eye doctor.
Rachel: Richard? I'm not gonna go see your ex-boyfriend!
Chandler: Oh, Richard. That's all I ever hear, Richard, Richard, Richard!
Monica: Since we've been going out, I think I've mentioned his name twice!
Chandler: Okay, so Richard, Richard!
Monica: It's not Richard! Okay? It's this new guy and he's really good.
Rachel: Well, I'm sorry I'm not going to an eye doctor!
Ross: Oh God, here we go!
Chandler: What?
Ross: Anytime anything comes close to touching her eye or anyone else's she like freaks out. Watch! Watch! (He takes his finger and moves it towards his eye.)
Rachel: (flinches) Ross! Come on! That's all right! Fine--Okay, I have a weird thing about my eye. Can we not talk about it please?
All: All right, fine.
Monica: Hey Rach, remember that great song, Me, Myself, and I? (And on the "I" part she mimics poking her eye.)
Rachel: (flinches again) Monica! Come on!
Ross: Hey, does anybody want to get some lunch? All those in favor say I? (Pokes his eye)
Rachel: (freaks) Ross! Stop it! Come on!
Chandler: How much did I love The King and I? (Oh, you get the point by now.)
Rachel: Chandler!
Joey: Me too! Me too! Me too! (Yeah, he does the same thing.)
Rachel: Just stop it! Come on!
(Joey howls in pain and holds his eye.)
Chandler: You okay there man?
Joey: Yeah, I got too excited!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Ross: All right, I gotta go. I'm taking Ben to the park.
Phoebe: Ohh, give him a kiss for me!
Ross: All right, bye!
Monica: Bye!
Phoebe: Bye!
Ross: Later! (Exits.)
Phoebe: (after he's gone) I am so sorry you got caught in the middle of that. I didn't mean to be so out there. I am furious with him!
Chandler: Wow umm, calm down.
Phoebe: I'm trying, but man that guy can push my buttons!
Monica: Why are so mad at him?
Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay?
Monica: Well, it just seems that…
Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking! Has anyone seem my list by the way?
Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like?
Phoebe: Uh, it's a piece of paper and it says, "Ross" on it.
Joey: (entering, depressed) Hey. I just got off the phone with Estelle and guess what. (Pause, then very excitedly) I GOT THE LEAD IN A MOVIE!!!!!!
Chandler: You got the lead in a movie? That's amazing! What's the movie about?!
Joey: It's called Shutter Speed, it's really cool! Yeah, umm, I meet this girl in the subway and we fall in love in like a day, right? And then, she disappears… But I find out where she lives and when I get there this like old lady answers the door and I say, "Where's Betsy?" Right? And she says, "Betsy's been dead for 10 years."
Phoebe: Ohh-oh, chilling!
Joey: And the best part is, we're filming in the desert outside Vegas! (To Chandler) And you know what that means buddy!
Chandler: Yeah, I know that means buddy!
Joey: Road trip! Yeah, we can rent a car! I just have to be there by Tuesday!
Phoebe: Oh wait, my grandmother's dead.
Chandler: Well, uh, we can talk about that too Pheebs.
Phoebe: No! No, her cab! She probably won't be using it; you can drive it to Las Vegas.
Joey: All right! Thanks Pheebs!
Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa, what are we going to do about my job?
Joey: Oh umm, not go.
Chandler: All right, great, road trip baby! (To Monica) This okay with you?
Monica: Chandler! You don't have to ask for my permission. (Quietly) You can go.
Chandler: Thank you.
Monica: Hey Rach, come on! We're gonna be late for the eye doctor appointment!
Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) All right! Let's get this over with! Ugh! (She walks by the table and notices that no one is looking and accidentally on purpose knocks over the open cereal box.) Ohhh! No! Look what I did! (She starts walking through the mess. {Also, notice the continuity error in this scene. Note the position of the box and dispersal pattern of the cereal before and after the camera cut.}) Oh, I mean, look at this mess! I mean, we're probably gonna have to clean this up! Y'know? We're gonna have to reschedule!
Monica: No. If you thought this mess is going to bother me, you are wrong! All right, let's go Blinky! (She ushers Rachel out the door, but before the door fully closes she sticks her head back in.) Chandler!!!! (Chandler agrees to clean up the mess.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a map as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Oh hey Joey! What's up?
Joey: I can't decide which route to take to Vegas. Hey, you've traveled a lot right?
Phoebe: Yeah, I've been around.
Joey: Okay, so-so which route should I take the northern route or the southern route?
Phoebe: Ooh, if you take the northern route there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees. {Okay, I must protest this, I've lived in Illinois all my life and know of no man with a beard of bees! Wisconsin, on the other hand, might be a different story.}
Joey: Great! Problem solved!
Phoebe: But on the southern route there's a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe.
Joey: Well, back to square one.
Phoebe: Oh, I know a way that you can decide! All right, I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you answer as quickly as you can.
Joey: (quickly) Yes!
Phoebe: Good, but wait. Okay, all right, here we go. Now I want you to relax. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind. (Quickly) Which do you like better peanut butter or egg whites?
Joey: Peanut butter!
Phoebe: Which would you rather be a fireman or a swimmer?
Joey: A swimmer!
Phoebe: Who would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel?
Joey: Monica. Oh… huh, I always thought it would be Rachel.
Phoebe: No thinking! No thinking! Tie or ascot?
Joey: Ascot!
Phoebe: North route or south route?
Joey: North route!
Phoebe: Bamn! There you go! Huh?
Joey: Wow! That was incredible! Beard of bees, here I come!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Oh, this guy again. (She ignores him.)
Joey: Hey man, what's up?
Ross: Uhh, not much. You guys want to see a movie tonight?
Joey: Sure, what do you want to see?
Ross: I don't know, umm…
Joey: Oh, I know how we can decide. Phoebe, show him your game!
Phoebe: Umm, no thank you. (She gets up and moves to the couch. They were at a table previously.)
Ross: What's with her?
Joey: I don't know. But hey, I know we can decide. Okay, I'm gonna ask you questions and you answer real quick. Okay?
Ross: Okay.
Joey: What do you like better action or comedy?
Ross: Action.
Joey: Who would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel?
(Ross pauses and looks at him, Joey motions for him to hurry up.)
Ross: Dude, you are sick.
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.
[Scene: Monica's eye doctor's office, Monica and Rachel are waiting in an exam room and looking at this big white thing used to check eyes. I have no idea what it is, and if an ophthalmologist happens to know what that is, let me know.]
Rachel: Oh my God! What does that thing do?
Monica: (looks at it more closely) Oh that's an eye removal machine.
Rachel: All right, I'm outta here!
Monica: I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
(Rachel heads for the door but is intercepted by the doctor.)
The Doctor: Hi Rachel!
Rachel: Hey!
The Doctor: I'm Dr. Miller. Monica told me you were a little nervous, but don't worry everything's gonna be just fine.
Rachel: So were done then!
Dr. Miller: Almost! But first, we gotta start.
Rachel: Okay.
Dr. Miller: This is a glaucoma test.
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Dr. Miller: Sit down.
Rachel: Okay.
Dr. Miller: But your chin here. (She does so.) Now, you'll feel a small puff of air in each eye.
Rachel: (jerks back from the tester) What?!
Monica: A small puff of air, now come on!
Dr. Miller: Here we go.
Rachel: All right.
Dr. Miller: 1…2…3! (Rachel jerks back on 3.)
Rachel: I'm sorry. All right, I'll just stay in here this time. (Puts her head back.) Okay.
Dr. Miller: Ready?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Dr. Miller: 1…2… (She flinches on 2 this time.)
Monica: Y'know what, I'm gonna hold her head.
Rachel: Okay.
Dr. Miller: That's okay.
Monica: Okay. (Monica backs off.)
Rachel: Okay. Okay!
Dr. Miller: 1…2! (She flinches again.) (Gives up.) Y'know what? You're young; you probably don't have glaucoma.
Rachel: (really excited) Great!! It was very, very nice to meet you sir--Ow! Hey! What are you doing?! Are you crazy! (He took out that thing they use to look at people's retinas and looked at Rachel's when she was shaking his hand causing her to flinch and scream at him.)
Dr. Miller: Okay. You've got a small, minor infection in that left eye. I want you to take these drops three times a day and you'll be as good as new.
Rachel: Yeah, no, I don't-I don't put things in my eye.
Dr. Miller: Okay then, I guess we'll see you back here in three months.
Rachel: Great!
Dr. Miller: And I'll fit you for a glass eye.
Rachel: Okay, just give me the damn drops! (Grabs them and storms out.)
Monica: Dr. Miller? (She covers her right eye and reads from the chart) P E C F D.
Dr. Miller: Very good Monica! You know where they are.
Monica: I sure do! (She runs over to a drawer, opens it, and grabs a lollipop.) (To Rachel) And you don't get one!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica, and Joey are there.]
Rachel: Y'know, I-I gotta tell ya, those eye drops are a miracle. My eye is a 100% better.
Monica: They're still in my coat.
Rachel: Damn!
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey! You ready to go?
Chandler: Yeah, listen, how cold is it going to be there? Do I need a coat or will all these sweater vests be enough? (Holds up 3 of them in different colors.)
(Monica stares at him.)
Chandler: What?
Monica: I love you.
{There's another continuity error here. Before Monica says I love you, Chandler's holding the vests so that you couldn't see the collar, you could see all three, and they were folding nicely. After she says the line and the camera cuts back to Chandler, you can only see two out of the three, you can see the collar of the top one, and it looks like it was folded sloppily, unlike before. Hey, you notice things while spending this much time on this!}
Joey: Man, I wish Ross was coming with us! Y'know? I'm gonna miss him!
Phoebe: Thanks a lot! I just got that jerk out of my mind!
Chandler: Hey, so where are we staying? Is the movie putting us up in a big hotel suite?
Joey: Uh no, not really. It's an independent film y'know? So we don't have a real big budget. I figured I'd just stay in your room.
Chandler: I see, but once you get your first paycheck you'll be springing a big hotel suite, right? I mean, lead in a movie, they must be paying you a lot?
Joey: Oh yeah! For every dollar Shutter Speed makes, one penny of it goes right in Joey's pocket.
Chandler: So you don't get paid unless the movie makes money?
Joey: Did you not hear the plot of the movie? "She's been dead for ten years." I'm gonna be a millionaire!
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Ross: I just wanna say good-bye to you guys and to see if you guys will place a little bet for me, huh? Twenty bucks on black 15.
Joey: You got it!
Ross: All right!
(Joey nods to Chandler, no way!)
Chandler: All right, bye-bye now!
Phoebe: Bye!
Rachel: Bye you guys!
Joey: Bye-bye!
Monica: I wanna say good-bye at the car!
Chandler: Okay!
Joey: Anybody want to say good-bye to me at the car?
Rachel: Oh honey, I'll say good-bye to you at the car if you don't mind the puss.
(Pause.)
Joey: See ya! (Walks out.)
Rachel: Well, wait a minute! The puss is good! It means it's healing! (Runs after him.)
Ross: Hey Pheebs, what 'cha reading? (Phoebe ignores him) Pheebs? (Turns away) Hello? (He sits down next to her and she moves over a bit.) Phoebe? (He moves closer and she keeps moving away.) Phoe-Phoebe! (They end up hanging over the arm rest.) Come on! (He grabs the magazine away from her.)
Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.
Ross: Phoebe, are you, are you mad at me, or something? 'Cause if are please, tell me what it is I did!
Phoebe: Well, if you don't know I can't help you.
Ross: Well, I don't know.
Phoebe: Well, I can't help you.
Ross: Well, whatever it is I'm-I'm very, very sorry. Okay?
Phoebe: Apology accepted.
Ross: Okay. So we're, we're good?
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Ross: All right. (Gets up.) I'll uh, I'll see you later, okay?
Phoebe: (quietly) Bye, fat ass.
Ross: ALL RIGHT!! Phoebe now come on! Will you please tell me what it is I did that mad you so mad at me!
Phoebe: I don't know! I don't remember!
Ross: Well if you can't remember, can't we just forget about this?
Phoebe: Oh no, I am mad at you. I know that much. But, I am sorry about the fat ass thing. You actually have a very sweet little hiney.
(Ross isn't sure what to do with that comment.)
[Scene: Phoebe's cab, Joey and Chandler are headed across the George Washington bridge on their way to Las Vegas. Joey is driving.]
Joey: Man, I'm getting pretty tired. You're might have to take over soon.
Chandler: We've been driving for a half-hour, and you haven't looked at the road once.
Joey: Don't worry, it's out there! (Just then a horn honks and Joey quickly looks at the road.) I think I just need lunch.
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: You wanna eat? (Pulls out the twenty) My treat!
Chandler: Isn't that Ross's money?
Joey: Yeah. Okay. Ross's treat! Where do you wanna eat?
Chandler: I don't know.
Joey: Ooh, hey, I know how we can decide! All right, uh, I'm gonna ask you a bunch of questions and then you have to answer real fast. Okay? So uh, clear your mind Clear it right out! Clear it out! Clear!
Chandler: Okay!
Joey: Okay, uhh, would you rather be too wet or too dry?
Chandler: Too dry.
Joey: Do you believe in ghosts, yes or no?
Chandler: No!
Joey: Is this movie gonna be my big break?
Chandler: No!
Joey: (shocked) What?!
Chandler: Yes.
Joey: Dude you said, "No!"
Chandler: I also said, "Yes!"
Joey: You don't think this is going to be a big break for me?
Chandler: No! (Realizes) Ahhh!!!
Joey: I don't believe this!
Chandler: Look Joe, I just, I just don't want to get your hopes up real high.
Joey: What are you talking about?! I'm the lead in a movie!
Chandler: They're not even paying ya! This doesn't even sound like a real movie!
Joey: Y'know what? I don't need this! Okay? I don't know why you're dumping all over my big break.
Chandler: Joe, I don't think this is going to be your big break.
Joey: Is that why you're on this trip, huh? Make me feel like a loser? 'Cause if it is, I'll tell ya, I-I-I'd rather be alone.
Chandler: Oh, you don't want me on the trip?
Joey: Not if you're gonna be like this!
Chandler: All right, I'll tell ya what, the next time you ask me a question like that I'll lie.
Joey: Yeah! I don't want you on the trip!
Chandler: All right, fine! Fine! Why don't you pull over? I'll get out right now!
Joey: Fine! (He slams on the brakes, stopping the car on the bridge to the sound of numerous car horns.) Get out!
Chandler: You're not actually supposed to stop on the bridge.
Joey: Get out!!
Chandler: All right!! (Gets out and Joey speeds away.) Wait! Wait, there's no sidewalk! Yeah, I'm gonna die here.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are there. Ross is trying to figure out why Phoebe's mad at him.]
Ross: Okay, are you mad at me because my hair gel smells?
Phoebe: No.
Ross: Are you angry at me because I said your handwriting is childlike?
Phoebe: No that made me feel precious.
Monica: Oh, I know! Umm, is it because he's always correcting people's grammar? Whom! Whom! Sometimes it's who!
Ross: Yeah? Sometimes it's… (Does the fist thing.)
Rachel: Oh, did you beat him at a board game? He turns into such a baby when he starts to lose.
Ross: Okay, I'm the baby. (Points at his eye.)
Rachel: Eh! Stop it!
Chandler: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Chandler! What are you doing here?
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Joey kicked me out of the car on the George Washington bridge!
All: Why?!
Chandler: I don't know! He went crazy! Y'know, we were playing that game where you-you ask a question and you answer it really fast.
Phoebe: That game should not be played without my supervision.
Chandler: Well, I don't know what mad him so mad, y'know? All I said was that uh, I didn't think this wasn't gonna be his big break, that this movie wasn't going to do anything for him, and that uh, y'know it didn't sound like a real movie--Okay, he should've pushed me off of the bridge.
Phoebe: What's in the bag?
Chandler: Oh, I figured you guys would all be mad at me. So I got you some gifts that I found on the side of the road. (Looks into the bag.) Who wants the teddy bear with one leg?
Phoebe: I do!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to apply her eye drops while Monica looks on.]
Rachel: Okay. (She tilts her head back and squeezes the eyedropper. The only problem is, it's not over her eye.)
Monica: Not even close.
Rachel: Okay, then y'know what? Help me! I need help! I can't do this!
Monica: Okay! All right! Let's do it!
Rachel: All right!
Monica: Sit down. (They sit down on the couch.)
Rachel: All right.
Monica: Put your head back.
Rachel: Yes!
Monica: All right.
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: Now, open your eyes.
Rachel: Okay, they are. (No they're not.)
Monica: How many fingers am I holding up? (She's not holding any up.)
Rachel: (thinks) Four.
Monica: Oh my God, I was thinking four.
Rachel: Really?!
Monica: Yes! All right, y'know what? Why don't we start with a practice run? Okay?
Rachel: Okay!
Monica: No drops!
Rachel: Great!
Monica: Okay.
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: On three, 1…2…3! (Rachel turns her head on three to avoid the drops.) Now my pillow's all wet! (She was trying to fool Rachel and squeezed the eyedropper.)
Rachel: Well, well, you said it was practice!
Monica: Then why did you move?!
Rachel: Because I knew you were lying!
Monica: All right, come here! (She gets up and drags Rachel off of the couch by her legs.)
Rachel: (as she's being dragged) What are you? Monica!! Stop it!! Oh my God! Stop it! (Monica drags her totally onto the floor and on her back.)
Monica: I am going… I'm going--Turn it over! (Rachel rolled onto her stomach and Monica rolls her back.) I'm… I am going to get these drops in your eyes. (She is holding Rachel down with both hands and has the eyedropper in her mouth.)
Rachel: Oh my God! You really are freakishly strong!
(Monica starts biting on the eyedropper, spraying the fluid all over. But Rachel keeps turning her head back and forth and Monica keeps missing.)
Rachel: Monica! Stop it!
Monica: (spitting out the eyedropper) Damn! It's empty!
Rachel: Wow, y'know if Joey and Chandler walked in right now, we could make a fortune! (Monica is straddling Rachel and holding her arms down. In a rather risqué pose, at least for primetime TV.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse, Phoebe and Monica are playing cards as the phone rings.]
Phoebe: Ooh that is definitely Chandler, Joey, or Ross. (Thinks) Or-or Rachel!
Monica: (answers the phone) Hello? (Listens.) (To Phoebe) It's Joey. (Phoebe's proud of herself.) (To Joey) I'm so glad you called! Chandler told me what happened. Y'know he's really upset about it.
Joey: (on a pay phone holding a box) Not as upset as he's gonna be when he finds out what I did with his sweater vests!
Monica: What did you do to his sweater vests?
Joey: Let's just say there's a well-dressed pack of dogs in Ohio. Hey Monica listen is-is Phoebe there? I gotta ask her something about the car.
Monica: Yeah, she's here. Hold on a second. (She hands the phone to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Hey, dude!
Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, this wooden box keeps sliding out from under the seat. What-what is it?
Phoebe: Oh that's my grandma. (Joey holds the box away from him.) And thanks Joey she's having a really great time. (Joey is happy now.)
Chandler: (who has just entered) Is that Joey? Is that Joey? Let me talk to him! I wanna talk to him!
Phoebe: Okay Joey? Chandler's here, he was wondering… (We hear the dial tone as Joey hangs up.) Okay, I guess he ran out of change.
Chandler: Y'know, he won't even talk to me. How am I going to apologize to him if he won't even talk to me?
Monica: Well, maybe you should send him something. So that when he gets to Las Vegas he'll know that you're sorry.
Chandler: That's a good idea. I wonder where I could (Pause) get a basket of porn…
Phoebe: No, don't-don't say I'm sorry with porn!
Chandler: Really?
Phoebe: Y'know what you should send him? A cartoon of cigarettes. 'Cause that why he could trade it for protection. No. That's prison.
Ross: (entering) Okay Pheebs, I know how we're going to figure this out. Okay, clear your mind and answer the first thing that comes into your head. Okay?
Phoebe: Uh-hmm.
Ross: What do you like better flora or fauna?
Phoebe: Fauna.
Ross: Who would you rather be Simon or Garfunkle?
Phoebe: Garfunkle.
Ross: Why are you mad at me?
Phoebe: You said I was boring--Ohh!
Ross: When did I say you were boring?!
Phoebe: Oh my God, I remember now! We were playing chess!
Ross: Phoebe! You and I have never played chess!
Phoebe: Oh, come on! Yes, remember that time on the frozen lake? We were playing chess, you said I was boring, and then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz! (Realizes) Okay, there's a chance this may have been a dream.
[Scene: The desert outside of Las Vegas, Joey is arriving and we hear the song, Name. Y'know, (singing) I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain. In the desert, you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La…la…la-la-la, la, la, la, la-la-la. You get the idea. Anyhoo, he pulls up and stops. As he gets out of the car, he spills a huge pill of fast food containers out of the foot well.]
Joey: Hey-hey! Stanley! Hey-hey! You're leading man is here! Let's get to work.
Stanley: Umm, slight change of plans. We've shut down.
Joey: Wh-what?! Why?!
Stanley: It's a money thing, we don't have any.
Joey: (laughs) You're kidding right?
Stanley: No.
Joey: What?!
Stanley: It-it's probably just temporary. We're hoping to get some more money soon, so if could just uh, hang out.
Joey: Uh, hang out?! How long?
Stanley: I don't know. A week? Maybe two? The money will turn up! People will always wanna invest in movies! Hey, you're not rich are ya?
Joey: No!
Stanley: Eh, worth a shot. (Gets into his car.) Look Joey, let me know where you're staying, okay? (The car peels away.)
(I think one of the grips walk up to Joey, mainly because there's a credit for The Grip. What the heck is a grip anyway?!)
The Grip: Hey pal, are you Joey Tribbiani?
Joey: Yeah.
The Grip: These got left for ya. (He hands him a bunch of helium balloons.)
Joey: Thanks. (The grip walks away.) (Reading the card.) Congratulations on your big break.
(The rest of the crew start to drive away leaving Joey sad, alone, and holding his congratulatory balloons as the song comes up again. La-la-la. See, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain! In the desert you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La-la-la, la, la, la…)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone is ringing.]
Monica: (answering it) Hello?
Joey: (on phone from Vegas) Hey Monica, it's Joey!
Monica: Hey Joey! Aww, you remembered even though you're a big star!
Joey: Aw, come on! It'll be years before I forget you!
Monica: Joey, what's it like on a movie set, huh? Do you have a dressing room? Do you have a chair with your name on it?
Joey: Uh, well yeah-yeah, I've got all of that going on. Yeah, listen uh, I want you to make sure you tell Chandler that he couldn't have been more wrong! Uh-oh! I gotta go Monica, my uh, my sushi's here!
[Cut to Joey hanging up the phone in Vegas. He's wearing a Roman gladiator's uniform and goes over to join a family to pose for a picture. You see, he's apparently taken a job at Caesar's Palace.]
Joey: (to the family) Sorry about that. Thanks for waitin'.
The Husband: Okay!
Joey: Everybody smile! (The picture is taken) Okay, thanks a lot! Enjoy your stay at Caesar's! We hope it's toga-rrific! (The family leaves.) Kill me. Kill me now.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The gang is surrounding Rachel at key positions.]
Ross: Hey Rach, can you pass me the TV Guide?
Rachel: Yep!
(As she moves to get it, Monica yells…)
Monica: Go!!
(Phoebe jumps to the floor as Ross tackles Rachel off of the couch. Chandler helps push Rachel onto the floor by jumping over the back of the couch. Phoebe grabs Rachel's head to hold it still and opens Rachel's eye as Monica jumps onto Chandler's back to administer the torture--I mean medicine.)
Rachel: What?!! Stop it! Stop it! Oh my God!
Monica: Okay! Okay! Okay! (She succeeds in getting the eye drops in and everyone climbs off of Rachel.) We'll see you in about 3 to 4 hours.
Rachel: Oh! (She's trying to recover while still on the floor.)
End