雙語(yǔ)讀劇：Call me by ...（一）38:奇亞拉是那塊必須鏟除的絆腳石

Then it hit me that I could have killed myself instead, or hurt myself badly enough and let him know why I’d done it. If I hurt my face, I’d want him to look at me and wonder why, why might anyone do this to himself, until, years and years later—yes, Later!—he’d finally piece the puzzle together and beat his head against the wall.
 
接著我意識(shí)到，我也能自殺，狠狠地傷害自己，讓他知道我為什么這么做。如果我劃傷我的臉，我希望他看著我，想不通為什么有人會(huì)這樣傷害自己，直到多年多年以后回頭（沒(méi)錯(cuò)，回頭再說(shuō)），他終于拼湊出事情的全貌，懊惱地撞墻。
 
Sometimes it was Chiara who had to be eliminated. I knew what she was up to. At my age, her body was more than ready for him. More than mine? I wondered. She was after him, that much was clear, while all I really wanted was one night with him, just one night—one hour, even—if only to determine whether I wanted him for another night after that. What I didn’t realize was that wanting to test desire is nothing more than a ruse to get what we want without admitting that we want it. I dreaded to think how experienced he himself was. If he could make friends so easily within weeks of arriving here, you had only to think of what life at home was like. Just imagine letting him loose on an urban campus like Columbia’s, where he taught.
 
有時(shí)候，奇亞拉是那塊必須鏟除的絆腳石。我知道她在盤算什么。對(duì)奧利弗來(lái)說(shuō)，與我同齡的她的身體可不只是“準(zhǔn)備好了”。比我準(zhǔn)備得還充分嗎？我懷疑。她在追奧利弗，這點(diǎn)很清楚，而我真正想要的只是與奧利弗共度一夜，一夜就好，甚至一個(gè)鐘頭也行——只想借此確認(rèn)一下之后我還想不想再與他共度一夜。我沒(méi)意識(shí)到的是，測(cè)試欲望的舉動(dòng)，只不過(guò)是在不承認(rèn)自己欲求的狀況下，取得那個(gè)欲求之物的詭計(jì)罷了。我不敢去想奧利弗有多么經(jīng)驗(yàn)豐富。如果他來(lái)這兒才幾個(gè)星期就如此輕易交上朋友，怎能不去猜想他在家鄉(xiāng)過(guò)著什么樣的生活？只要想一想他在執(zhí)教的哥倫比亞大學(xué)城市校區(qū)有多么自由就夠了。
 
The thing with Chiara happened so easily it was past reckoning. With Chiara he loved heading out into the deep on our twin-hulled rowboat for a gita, with him rowing while she lounged in the sun on one of the hulls, eventually removing her bra once they had stopped and were far from shore.
 
他和奇亞拉之間的事來(lái)得那么輕易，超乎我的預(yù)料。他和奇亞拉在一起時(shí)，喜歡駕著我們的雙船體劃艇到遠(yuǎn)處兜風(fēng)；他劃船，奇亞拉則悠閑地躺在一邊曬太陽(yáng)，等到遠(yuǎn)離岸邊船停下時(shí)，她就脫下胸罩。