《渺小一生》:“這真的是一件好作品?！?/h1>

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2020年03月31日

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　 He can feel Harold looking at him. “Thank you,” he says, at last. “Thank you.” He can’t seem to say anything else.

他可以感覺(jué)到哈羅德在看他。“謝謝你。”最后他終于說(shuō)，“謝謝你。”他好像說(shuō)不出別的話了。

　 “It’s my pleasure,” says Harold, and neither of them says anything for a few seconds, until he comes to himself and unclasps his watch and fastens Harold’s—his, now—around his wrist, holding his arm up for Harold, who nods. “Nice,” he says. “It looks good on you.”

“這是我的榮幸。”哈羅德說(shuō)。然后有幾秒鐘他們都沒(méi)吭聲，直到他回過(guò)神來(lái)，解下手上的手表，把哈羅德的表（現(xiàn)在是他的了）戴在手腕上，朝哈羅德舉起手臂，哈羅德點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，“不錯(cuò)。”他說(shuō)，“你戴起來(lái)很合適。”

　 He’s about to reply with something (what?), when he hears, and then sees, JB and Malcolm, both in suits as well.

他正要回答些話，這時(shí)他聽(tīng)到、然后看到杰比和馬爾科姆，兩人也穿了西裝。

　 “The door was unlocked,” JB says, as Malcolm sighs. “Harold!” he hugs him, “Congratulations! It’s a boy!”

“門(mén)沒(méi)鎖。”杰比說(shuō)，馬爾科姆吐口氣。“哈羅德！”他擁抱他，“恭喜！是個(gè)男孩！”

　 “I’m sure Harold’s never heard that one before,” says Malcolm, waving hello at Julia, who’s entering the kitchen.

“我很確定哈羅德沒(méi)聽(tīng)過(guò)這個(gè)梗。”馬爾科姆說(shuō)，然后跟正要走進(jìn)廚房的朱麗婭揮手打招呼。

　 Andy arrives next, and then Gillian; they’ll meet Laurence at the courthouse.

下一個(gè)抵達(dá)的是安迪，接下來(lái)是吉莉安，他們會(huì)在法院和勞倫斯會(huì)合。

　 The doorbell rings again. “Are we expecting someone else?” he asks Harold, who shrugs: “Can you get it, Jude?”

門(mén)鈴又響了。“還有其他人要來(lái)嗎？”他問(wèn)哈羅德。哈羅德聳聳肩：“裘德，你能不能去開(kāi)門(mén)？”

　 So he opens the door, and there is Willem. He stares at Willem for a second, and then, before he can tell himself to be calm, Willem springs at him like a civet cat and hugs him so hard that for a moment he fears he will tip over. “Are you surprised?” Willem says into his ear, and he can tell from his voice that he’s smiling. It’s the second time that morning he’s unable to speak.

于是他打開(kāi)門(mén)，外頭站著威廉。他瞪著威廉一秒鐘，然后，他還來(lái)不及提醒自己冷靜下來(lái)，威廉就像一只麝香貓似的跳上來(lái)?yè)肀У煤芫o，讓他一時(shí)之間很怕自己會(huì)往后倒下。“嚇了你一跳吧？”威廉在他耳邊說(shuō)，他可以聽(tīng)出來(lái)他在微笑。這是今天早上他第二次說(shuō)不出話來(lái)。

　 The court will be the third time. They take two cars, and in his (driven by Harold, with Malcolm in the front seat), Willem explains that his departure date actually had been changed; but when it was changed back again, he didn’t tell him, only the others, so that his appearance would be a surprise. “Yeah, thanks for that, Willem,” says Malcolm, “I had to monitor JB like the CIA to make sure he didn’t say anything.”

在法庭里將會(huì)出現(xiàn)第三次。他們坐兩輛車(chē)過(guò)去。在他那輛車(chē)上（哈羅德開(kāi)車(chē)，馬爾科姆坐在前座），威廉解釋他離開(kāi)劇組的日期的確是延后了，但后來(lái)又改回來(lái)了。他沒(méi)告訴他，只跟其他人說(shuō)了，好給他一個(gè)驚喜。“是啊，謝了，威廉。”馬爾科姆說(shuō)，“我還得像中央情報(bào)局職員似的盯著杰比，好確定他不會(huì)說(shuō)漏嘴。”

　 They go not to the family courts but to the appeals court on Pemberton Square. Inside Laurence’s courtroom—Laurence unfamiliar in his robes: it is a day of everyone in costume—he and Harold and Julia make their promises to each other, Laurence smiling the entire time, and then there is a flurry of picture-taking, with everyone taking photos of everyone else in various arrangements and configurations. He is the only one who doesn’t take any at all, as he’s in every one.

他們沒(méi)去家事法院，而是來(lái)到了彭伯頓廣場(chǎng)的上訴法院。里頭是勞倫斯的法庭，今天大家都穿著正式服裝，穿上法官袍的勞倫斯看起來(lái)有點(diǎn)陌生。他和哈羅德及朱麗婭對(duì)彼此說(shuō)了誓詞，勞倫斯從頭到尾都在微笑。正式程序走完之后，有一小段混亂的拍照時(shí)間。每個(gè)人都忙著幫其他人拍照，于是有了各種組合和位置。他是唯一完全沒(méi)拍攝的人，每一張照片里都有他。

　 He’s standing with Harold and Julia, waiting for Malcolm to figure out his enormous, complicated camera, when JB calls his name, and all three of them look over, and JB takes the shot. “Got it,” says JB. “Thanks.”

他正和哈羅德跟朱麗婭站在一起，等著馬爾科姆搞清楚那臺(tái)巨大而復(fù)雜的相機(jī)該怎么操作，此時(shí)杰比喊他的名字，他們?nèi)齻€(gè)人同時(shí)朝杰比看，杰比便拍了照。“好了，”杰比說(shuō)，“謝了。”

　 “JB, this’d better not be for—” he begins, but then Malcolm announces he’s ready, and the three of them swivel obediently toward him.

“杰比，這張你最好不要拿去……”他開(kāi)口說(shuō)，但馬爾科姆宣布他要按快門(mén)了，于是他們?nèi)擞止怨赞D(zhuǎn)向馬爾科姆。

　 They’re back at the house by noon, and soon people start arriving—Gillian and Laurence and James and Carey, and Julia’s colleagues and Harold’s, some of whom he hasn’t seen since he had classes with them in law school. His old voice teacher comes, as does Dr. Li, his math professor, and Dr. Kashen, his master’s adviser, and Allison, his former boss at Batter, and a friend of all of theirs from Hood Hall, Lionel, who teaches physics at Wellesley. People come and go all afternoon, going to and from classes, meetings, trials. He had initially been reluctant to have such a gathering, with so many people—wouldn’t his acquisition of Harold and Julia as parents provoke, even encourage, questions about why he was parentless at all?—but as the hours pass, and no one asks any questions, no one demands to know why he needs a new set anyway, he finds himself forgetting his fears. He knows his telling other people about the adoption is a form of bragging, and that bragging has its own consequences, but he cannot help himself. Just this once, he implores whoever in the world is responsible for punishing him for his bad behavior. Let me celebrate this thing that has happened to me just this once.

他們?cè)谥形缜盎氐焦_德家。很快地，人們陸續(xù)抵達(dá)——吉莉安、勞倫斯、詹姆斯、凱里，還有朱麗婭和哈羅德的同事，有些人他從法學(xué)院畢業(yè)后就沒(méi)見(jiàn)過(guò)了。他以前的歌唱老師也來(lái)了，還有他的數(shù)學(xué)教授李博士、碩士指導(dǎo)老師卡申博士、以前烘焙工房的老板艾莉森，以及他們四個(gè)在虎德館的老友萊諾，他現(xiàn)在在韋斯利學(xué)院教物理學(xué)。一整個(gè)下午，人們來(lái)來(lái)去去，去上課、開(kāi)會(huì)、審判，或是下課、下班后趕來(lái)。他原先不太希望有這樣的聚會(huì)，有這么多人——哈羅德和朱麗婭成為他的養(yǎng)父母，不就會(huì)激起、甚至鼓勵(lì)人們提出問(wèn)題，問(wèn)他原先為什么沒(méi)有父母呢？——但時(shí)間逐漸過(guò)去，沒(méi)有人問(wèn)任何問(wèn)題，總之沒(méi)有人想知道為什么他需要新的父母，于是他也忘了原先的恐懼。他知道告訴其他人關(guān)于收養(yǎng)的事情，仿佛是在自夸，而這種自夸會(huì)造成一些后果，但是他忍不住。就這么一次，他懇求某個(gè)為了他的不乖而處罰他的人，不管那是誰(shuí)。就這么一次，讓我慶祝這件發(fā)生在我身上的事吧。

　 There is no etiquette for such a party, and so their guests have invented their own: Malcolm’s parents have sent a magnum of champagne and a case of super Tuscan from a vineyard they partly own outside of Montalcino. JB’s mother sent him with a burlap sack of heirloom narcissus bulbs for Harold and Julia, and a card for him; his aunts have sent an orchid. The U.S. Attorney sends an enormous crate of fruit, with a card signed by Marshall and Citizen and Rhodes as well. People bring wine and flowers. Allison, who had years ago revealed him to Harold as the creator of the bacteria cookies, brings four dozen decorated with his original designs, which makes him blush and Julia shout with delight. The rest of the day is a binging on all things sweet: everything he does that day is perfect, everything he says comes out right. People reach for him and he doesn’t move or shy away from them; they touch him and he lets them. His face hurts from smiling. Decades of approbation, of affection are stuffed into this one afternoon, and he gorges on it, reeling from the strangeness of it all. He overhears Andy arguing with Dr. Kashen about a massive new proposed landfill project in Gurgaon, watches Willem listen patiently to his old torts professor, eavesdrops on JB explaining to Dr. Li why the New York art scene is irretrievably fucked, spies Malcolm and Carey trying to extract the largest of the crab cakes without toppling the rest of the stack.

這樣的派對(duì)沒(méi)有既定的送禮準(zhǔn)則，于是客人們便自行挑選：馬爾科姆的父母送了一大瓶香檳，還有一箱很棒的托斯卡納葡萄酒，產(chǎn)自意大利蒙塔爾奇諾附近、他們家也有股份的一家酒莊；杰比的母親要他轉(zhuǎn)交一麻袋稀有的水仙球根給哈羅德和朱麗婭，還有給他的一張卡片；杰比的阿姨們則送了一盆蘭花；聯(lián)邦檢察官送了一大箱水果，附上一張卡片，馬歇爾、西提任和羅茲也在上頭簽了名；還有很多人帶著葡萄酒和鮮花來(lái)；艾莉森幾年前就曾跟哈羅德說(shuō)細(xì)菌餅干是他做的，這回她帶了四打他當(dāng)初設(shè)計(jì)的餅干來(lái)，他臉紅了，朱麗婭則開(kāi)心得大叫起來(lái)。接下來(lái)眾人就大吃各種甜食，他那天做的每件事都很完美，他說(shuō)的每句話都很得體。有人過(guò)來(lái)找他時(shí)，他沒(méi)有移動(dòng)或躲開(kāi)；別人碰觸他時(shí)，他就由著他們。他笑得臉都發(fā)痛了，二十幾年來(lái)的認(rèn)可和關(guān)愛(ài)全都被塞到這個(gè)下午，他大口吞下，被所有這一切的陌生感搞得暈頭轉(zhuǎn)向。他不小心聽(tīng)到安迪和卡申博士為了印度北部城市古爾岡（Gurgaon）要興建一個(gè)大型垃圾掩埋場(chǎng)而爭(zhēng)辯，看著威廉耐心聽(tīng)著他以前的侵權(quán)法教授說(shuō)話，還偷聽(tīng)到杰比跟李博士解釋為什么紐約藝術(shù)圈爛到無(wú)可救藥，暗中留意到馬爾科姆和凱里試圖抽出最大的那塊蟹肉餅，又不想把整堆弄垮。

　 By the early evening, everyone has left, and it is just the six of them sprawled out in the living room: he and Harold and Julia and Malcolm and JB and Willem. The house is once again messy. Julia mentions dinner, but everyone—even he—has eaten too much, and no one, not even JB, wants to think about it. JB has given Harold and Julia a painting of him, saying, before he hands it over to them, “It’s not based on a photo, just from sketches.” The painting, which JB has done in watercolors and ink on a sheet of stiff paper, is of his face and neck, and is in a different style than he associates with JB’s work: sparer and more gestural, in a somber, grayed palette. In it, his right hand is hovering over the base of his throat, as if he’s about to grab it and throttle himself, and his mouth is slightly open, and his pupils are very large, like a cat’s in gloom. It’s undeniably him—he even recognizes the gesture as his own, although he can’t, in the moment, remember what it’s meant to signal, or what emotion it accompanies. The face is slightly larger than life-size, and all of them stare at it in silence.

等到傍晚，每個(gè)人都離開(kāi)了，只剩他們六個(gè)人四肢大張地坐在客廳里：他和哈羅德、朱麗婭、馬爾科姆、杰比和威廉。房子里又是一片混亂。朱麗婭提到過(guò)晚餐，但每個(gè)人（包括他）都吃太多了，所以沒(méi)有人（包括杰比）愿意去想晚餐。杰比送了哈羅德和朱麗婭一幅他的肖像，在遞給他們之前說(shuō)：“這張不是根據(jù)照片畫(huà)的，而是根據(jù)速寫(xiě)。”這幅畫(huà)用水彩和墨水畫(huà)在硬紙上，主要包括他的臉和脖子，不同于他熟悉的杰比風(fēng)格，更加簡(jiǎn)約也更具動(dòng)勢(shì)，而且以灰色調(diào)為主。畫(huà)中，他的右手懸在喉嚨上方，好像要掐住自己的脖子，而他的嘴巴微開(kāi)，瞳孔非常大，像黑暗中的貓眼。畫(huà)中人無(wú)疑是他——他甚至認(rèn)出那是自己的手勢(shì)，不過(guò)那一刻，他想不起那個(gè)手勢(shì)的含義，或者伴隨著什么情緒。畫(huà)中的臉比真人略大一些，他們所有人都沉默地盯著那張畫(huà)。

　 “It’s a really good piece,” JB says at last, sounding pleased. “Let me know if you ever want to sell it, Harold,” and finally, everyone laughs.

“這真的是一件好作品。”杰比最后終于說(shuō)，口氣很滿(mǎn)意，“哈羅德，萬(wàn)一你想賣(mài)，一定要通知我。”然后，每個(gè)人終于都笑起來(lái)。

　 “JB, it’s so, so beautiful—thank you so much,” says Julia, and Harold echoes her. He is finding it difficult, as he always does when confronted with JB’s pictures of him, to separate the beauty of the art itself from the distaste he feels for his own image, but he doesn’t want to be ungracious, and so he repeats their praise.

“杰比，這真是太美了，真謝謝你。”朱麗婭說(shuō)，然后哈羅德也說(shuō)了類(lèi)似的話。他一如往常，在面對(duì)杰比畫(huà)他的那些作品時(shí)，總覺(jué)得很難把作品本身的美和他對(duì)自己影像的厭惡分開(kāi)來(lái)，但他不想沒(méi)禮貌，也跟著附和那些贊美。

　 “Wait, I have something, too,” Willem says, heading for the bedroom, and returning with a wooden statue, about eighteen inches high, of a bearded man in hydrangea-blue robes, a curl of flames, like a cobra’s hood, surrounding his reddish hair, his right arm held diagonally against his chest, his left by his side.

“等一下，我也有個(gè)禮物。”威廉說(shuō)，走向臥室，然后拿著一尊木雕回來(lái)，大約十八英寸高，是一個(gè)大胡子男人穿著繡球花藍(lán)的長(zhǎng)袍，一縷火焰有如響尾蛇昂起的頭般環(huán)繞著他的紅發(fā)。他的右手臂斜舉在胸前，左手臂垂在身側(cè)。

　 “Fuck’s that dude?” asks JB.

“媽的這位老兄是誰(shuí)?。?rdquo;杰比問(wèn)。

　 “This dude,” Willem replies, “is Saint Jude, also known as Judas Thaddeus.” He puts him on the coffee table, turns him toward Julia and Harold. “I got him at a little antiques store in Bucharest,” he tells them. “They said it’s late nineteenth-century, but I don’t know—I think he’s probably just a village carving. Still, I liked him. He’s handsome and stately, just like our Jude.”

“這位老兄，”威廉回答，“是圣裘德（St.Jude），又稱(chēng)朱達(dá)·撒迪厄斯（Judas Thaddeus）。”他把木雕放在茶幾上，把它轉(zhuǎn)向朱麗婭和哈羅德，“我在羅馬尼亞首都布加勒斯特的一家小古董店買(mǎi)的。”他告訴他們，“店家說(shuō)這是19世紀(jì)晚期的作品，可惜我不懂，我想可能只是民間雕刻。不過(guò)我很喜歡。這尊木雕英俊又莊嚴(yán)，就像我們的裘德。”