《渺小一生》:其中一個男人一直喊他名字

　 “January third,” he said.

“一月三號。”他說。

　 “So soon!” said Gillian.

“這么快！”吉莉安說。

　 He smiled back at her. “Not soon enough,” he said. He meant it; he was ready to try to be normal again, to make another attempt at being alive.

他朝她微笑?！斑€不夠快呢?！彼f。他是真心這么覺得，他已經(jīng)準備好要設法恢復正常，再努力試著活下去。

　 He and Willem left early, and that evening he cut himself for the second time since he was released from the hospital. This was another thing the drugs had dampened: his need to cut, to feel that bright, startling slap of pain. The first time he did it, he was shocked by how much it hurt, and had actually wondered why he had been doing this to himself for so long—what had he been thinking? But then he felt everything within him slow, felt himself relax, felt his memories dim, and had remembered how it helped him, remembered why he had begun doing it at all. The scars from his attempt were three vertical lines on both arms, from the base of his palm to just below the inside of his elbow, and they hadn’t healed well; it looked as if he had shoved pencils just beneath the skin. They had a strange, pearly shine, almost as if the skin had been burned, and now he made a fist, watching them tighten in response.

他和威廉很早就離開了。那天晚上他在浴室里割自己，是他出院后的第二次。這是藥物之前抑制的另一件事：他割自己的需要，感受那種鮮明、震撼的疼痛的需要。他第一次割的時候，很驚訝居然這么痛，還納悶為什么他長期以來要這樣對自己——當時他在想什么??？但接著他感覺心中的一切放慢下來，自己輕松了，而記憶變得模糊，就想起這件事在過往如何幫助了自己，為什么他當初會開始做這件事。他企圖自殺的疤痕是雙手的三道垂直線，從手掌根延伸到接近手肘內(nèi)側(cè)，而且痊愈得并不好，看起來就像是他把一根根鉛筆硬塞進皮膚底下?，F(xiàn)在那些疤痕有一種奇異、珍珠般的光澤，簡直像皮膚被燒過似的，現(xiàn)在他握起拳頭時，就會看到那些疤痕繃緊。

　 That night he woke screaming, which had been happening as he readjusted to life, to an existence with dreams; on the drugs, there were no dreams, not really, or if there were, they were so strange and pointless and meandering that he soon forgot them. But in this dream he was in one of the motel rooms, and there was a group of men, and they were grabbing at him, and he was desperate, trying to fight them. But they kept multiplying, and he knew he would lose, he knew he would be destroyed.

那一夜他尖叫著醒來。這種事在他重新調(diào)整、進入有夢的生活后，就開始發(fā)生了。之前吃藥，他不會做夢，就算做了夢，夢境也太奇怪或沒有意義，所以醒來后很快就忘了。但在這回的夢里，他在汽車旅館房間內(nèi)，有一群男人抓著他，他很絕望，設法反抗。但他們的數(shù)量一再成倍數(shù)地增加，他知道自己會輸，他知道自己會被摧毀。

　 One of the men kept calling his name, and then put his hand on his cheek, and for some reason that made him more terrified, and he pushed his hand away, and then the man poured water on him and he woke, gasping, to see Willem next to him, his face pale, holding a glass in his hand. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Willem said, “I couldn’t get you out of it, Jude, I’m sorry. I’m going to get you a towel,” and came back with a towel and the glass filled with water, but he was shaking too badly to hold it. He apologized again and again to Willem, who shook his head and told him not to worry, that it was all right, that it was just a dream. Willem got him a new shirt, and turned around as he changed and then took the wet one to the bathroom.

其中一個男人一直喊他名字，然后把手放在他臉頰上。出于某些原因，這讓他更害怕，便把對方的手推開，接著那男人就朝他潑水。他喘著氣醒來，看到威廉在他旁邊，臉色蒼白，手里有個玻璃杯?！皩Σ黄?，對不起，”威廉說，“我實在沒辦法叫醒你，裘德，對不起。我去拿毛巾給你?！蓖弥粭l毛巾和裝滿水的玻璃杯回來，但他抖得太厲害沒法拿穩(wěn)。他對威廉再三道歉，威廉只是搖搖頭叫他別擔心，說沒關系的，那只是個夢。威廉拿了一件新襯衫給他，背過身子讓他換衣服，再把濕掉的那件拿去浴室。

　 “Who’s Brother Luke?” asked Willem, as they sat there together in silence and waited for his breathing to return to normal. And then, when he didn’t answer, “You kept screaming ‘Help me, Brother Luke, help me.’ ” He was quiet. “Who is he, Jude? Was he someone from the monastery?”

“誰是盧克修士？”威廉問。此時兩人沉默地坐在一起，等著他的呼吸恢復正常。他沒回答?！澳阋恢苯兄骸畮臀?，盧克修士，幫我?！彼€是沒吭聲?！棒玫?，他是誰？是修道院里的人嗎？”

　 “I can’t, Willem,” he said, and he yearned for Ana. Ask me one more time, Ana, he said to her, and I’ll tell you. Teach me how to do it. This time I’ll listen. This time I’ll talk.

“威廉，我沒辦法談?！彼f，而且好懷念安娜。再問我一次，安娜。他對她說，然后我就會告訴你。教我怎么做。這回我會認真聽的。這回我會講的。

　 That weekend they went to Richard’s house upstate and took a long walk through the woods that backed the property. Later, he successfully completed the first meal he’d cooked since he was released. He made Willem’s favorite, lamb chops, and although he’d needed Willem’s help carving the chop itself—he still wasn’t agile enough to do it on his own—he did everything else by himself. That night he woke again, screaming, and again there was Willem (though without the glass of water this time), and him asking about Brother Luke, and why he kept begging for his help, and again, he wasn’t able to answer.

那個周末，他們?nèi)ダ聿榈略诩~約州北部的別墅，到房子后方的森林里長途散步。稍后，他成功做了出院后的第一餐。他做了威廉最喜歡吃的羊小排，雖然他得讓威廉幫忙切開羊排（他的手還沒靈活到可以自己切），但其他都是他自己做的。那天夜里他又尖叫著驚醒，威廉再度來到他床邊（這回沒拿水潑他），又問起盧克修士，還有為什么他一直求他幫忙。再一次，他還是沒辦法回答。

　 The next day he was tired, and his arms ached, and his body ached as well, and on their walk, he said very little, and Willem didn’t say much himself. In the afternoon they reviewed their plans for Morocco: they would begin in Fez, and then drive through the desert, where they’d stay near Ouarzazate, and end in Marrakech. On their way back, they’d stop in Paris to visit Citizen and a friend of Willem’s for a few days; they’d be home just before the new year.

次日他感覺很累。雙臂疼痛，身體也在痛，于是散步時他沒怎么說話，威廉也沒多說。下午他們檢查去摩洛哥的計劃：他們會從非斯出發(fā)，開車經(jīng)過沙漠，期間待在瓦爾扎扎特附近，最后，終點是馬拉喀什?；爻虝r，他們會去巴黎待幾天，拜訪西提任和威廉的一個朋友，然后在元旦之前回到紐約。

　 As they were eating dinner, Willem said, “You know, I thought of what you could give me for my birthday.”

他們吃晚餐時，威廉說：“我想到你可以送什么生日禮物給我了。”

　 “Oh?” he said, relieved to be able to concentrate on something he could give Willem, rather than having to ask Willem for yet more help, thinking of all the time he had stolen from him. “Let’s hear it.”

“哦？”他說，松了一口氣，因為他可以專心想他能給威廉的東西，而非一直想著要求威廉幫更多忙，總想著自己占掉他那么多時間，“說來聽聽看吧?！?

　 “Well,” said Willem, “it’s kind of a big thing.”

“唔，”威廉說，“算是個大禮了?！?

　 “Anything,” he said. “I mean it,” and Willem gave him a look he couldn’t quite interpret. “Really,” he assured him. “Anything.”

“什么都行，”他說，“我是認真的?！蓖戳怂谎郏惶芙庾x?！罢娴?，”他又保證，“什么都可以?！?

　 Willem put down his lamb sandwich and took a breath. “Okay,” he said. “What I really want for my birthday is for you to tell me who Brother Luke is. And not just who he is, but what your—your relationship with him was, and why you think you keep calling out his name at night.” He looked at him. “I want you to be honest, and thorough, and tell me the whole story. That’s what I want.”

威廉放下小羊肉三明治，吸了口氣。“好吧，”威廉說，“我真正想要的生日禮物，就是你告訴我盧克修士是誰。不光是他的身份，還包括你——你和他的關系，以及你覺得為什么你總在夜里喊他的名字，”威廉看著他，“我要你誠實、詳盡地告訴我整個故事。這就是我想要的?！?

　 There was a long silence. He realized he still had a mouthful of food, and he somehow swallowed it, and put down his sandwich as well, which he was still holding aloft. “Willem,” he said at last, because he knew that Willem was serious, and that he wouldn’t be able to dissuade him, to convince him to wish for something else, “part of me does want to tell you. But if I do—” He stopped. “But if I do, I’m afraid you’re going to be disgusted by me. Wait,” he said, as Willem began to speak. He looked at Willem’s face. “I promise you I will. I promise you. But—but you’re going to have to give me some time. I’ve never really discussed it before, and I need to figure out how to say the words.”

接下來是一長段沉默。他忽然發(fā)現(xiàn)自己還滿嘴食物，于是想辦法吞下去，再放下舉在半空的三明治?！巴?，”最后他終于說了，因為他知道威廉是認真的，而且他沒辦法拒絕，說服他改要別的禮物，“一部分的我的確想要告訴你。但如果我說了……”他停下，“如果我說了，我怕你會厭惡我。等等?！笨吹酵_口，他說。他注視威廉的臉?！拔掖饝阄視f。我答應你。但是……但是你得給我一點時間。我從來沒跟人真正討論過這件事，我得想清楚該怎么說出那些話?！?

　 “Okay,” Willem said at last. “Well.” He paused. “How about if we work up to it, then? I ask you about something easier, and you answer that, and you’ll see that it’s not so bad, talking about it? And if it is, we’ll discuss that, too.”

“好吧，”威廉最后終于說，“那么，”他暫停一下，“如果我們一起想辦法呢？我問你一些簡單點的問題，你回答，這樣你就明白談一談其實沒那么難？如果真的很困難，我們再商量看看。”

　 He inhaled; exhaled. This is Willem, he reminded himself. He would never hurt you, not ever. It’s time. It’s time. “Okay,” he said, finally. “Okay. Ask me.”

他吸了口氣，吐出來。這是威廉啊，他提醒自己。他永遠不會傷害你的，絕對不會。時候到了，該說出來了。“好吧，”他終于說，“好吧。問我吧?！?

　 He could see Willem leaning back in his chair and staring at him, trying to determine which to choose of the hundreds of questions that one friend should be able to ask another and yet he had never been allowed to do. Tears came to his eyes, then, for how lopsided he had let their friendship become, and for how long Willem had stayed with him, year after year, even when he had fled from him, even when he had asked him for help with problems whose origins he wouldn’t reveal. In his new life, he promised himself, he would be less demanding of his friends; he would be more generous. Whatever they wanted, he would give them. If Willem wanted information, he could have it, and it was up to him to figure out how to give it to him. He would be hurt again and again—everyone was—but if he was going to try, if he was going to be alive, he had to be tougher, he had to prepare himself, he had to accept that this was part of the bargain of life itself.

他看到威廉盯著他往后靠，設法決定該從幾百個問題里挑出哪一個，才是一個朋友該問另一個朋友、但從來都不能問的。他雙眼涌出淚水，因為他讓他們的友誼變得這么不平衡，也因為這么多年來威廉都陪著他，一年又一年，即使他一再逃避，即使他拿自己的問題向他求助、卻不肯說出問題的緣由。他對自己承諾，在他新的人生里，他不會再那么苛求朋友了，他會更大方。無論他們想要什么，他都會給他們。如果威廉想要信息，就該給他，他自己必須琢磨該如何給。他會一次又一次受傷——每個人都會——但如果他打算嘗試，如果他打算活下去，他就得更堅強一點，他得準備好自己，他得接受這是人生必然會有的取舍。

　 “Okay, I’ve got one,” Willem said, and he sat up straighter, readying himself. “How did you get the scar on the back of your hand?”

“好，我想到一個了，”威廉說。他的身子挺得更直，讓自己準備好，“你手背上的那個疤是怎么來的？”