《渺小一生》:“這并不自私?！?/h1>

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2020年07月09日

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　 “Willem,” Jude said, and was quiet. “I think I turned out pretty normal, all things considered, don’t you?” and Willem had heard the strain, and the hope, in his voice.

“威廉，”裘德說，接著沉默了一下，“我想，如果考慮到各方面，我最后的結(jié)果相當(dāng)正常，你不覺得嗎？”威廉聽得出他聲音里的那種焦慮、那種期望。

　 “No,” he said, and Jude winced. “I think you turned out extraordinary, all things considered or not,” and finally, Jude smiled.

“不，”他說，裘德皺起臉，“我想，無論是不是考慮到各方面，你最后的結(jié)果都非常了不起。”裘德終于露出微笑。

　 That night, they had discussed what they were going to do. “I’m afraid you’re stuck with me,” he began, and when he saw how relieved Jude was, he cursed himself for not making it clearer earlier that he was going to stay. Then he gathered himself and they talked about physical matters: how far he could go, what Jude didn’t want to do.

那一夜，他們討論接下來該怎么辦。“你恐怕甩不掉我了。”他說，看到裘德有多如釋重負(fù)，他心里暗罵自己沒有更早表明他不會離開。之后他振作起來，討論身體的事情：他可以做到哪個(gè)地步，什么是裘德不想做的。

　 “We can do whatever you want, Willem,” Jude said.

“你想怎么樣都可以，威廉。”裘德說。

　 “But you don’t like it,” he’d said.

“可是你不喜歡啊。”他說。

　 “But I owe it to you,” Jude had said.

“可是這是我欠你的。”裘德說。

　 “No,” he told him. “It shouldn’t feel like something you owe me; and besides, you don’t owe it to me.” He stopped. “If it’s not arousing for you, it’s not for me, either,” he added, although, to his shame, he did still want to have sex with Jude. He wouldn’t, not anymore, not if Jude didn’t want to, but it didn’t mean he would be able to suddenly stop craving it.

“不，”他告訴他，“這種事不該讓人覺得是你欠我；更何況，你其實(shí)不欠我。”他暫停一下，“如果這事情不能激起你的性欲，那對我也一樣。”他補(bǔ)充。雖然讓他愧疚的是，他的確還是想跟裘德做愛。但只要裘德不想做，他也不會做了，但這不表示他有辦法突然停止渴望。

　 “But you’ve sacrificed so much to be with me,” Jude said after a silence.

“但是你為了跟我在一起，犧牲那么多。”裘德沉默了一會兒說。

　 “Like what?” he asked, curious.

“比如什么？”他好奇地問。

　 “Normalcy,” Jude said. “Social acceptability. Ease of life. Coffee, even. I can’t add sex to that list.”

“正常，”裘德說，“社會接受度，生活的舒適，甚至還有咖啡。在這份清單上，我不能再加上性愛了。”

　 They had talked and talked, and he had finally managed to convince him, had managed to get Jude to define what he actually liked. (It hadn’t been much.) “But what are you going to do?” Jude asked him.

他們談了又談，他終于設(shè)法說服裘德，讓裘德講清楚他真正喜歡的有哪些（還真不多）。“可是你要怎么辦？”裘德問他。

　 “Oh, I’ll be fine,” he said, not really knowing himself.

“啊，我不會有事的。”他說，其實(shí)自己也不知道。

　 “You know, Willem,” Jude had said, “you should obviously sleep with whomever you want. I just”—he fumbled—“I know this is selfish, but I just don’t want to hear about it.”

“你知道，威廉，”裘德說，“你顯然應(yīng)該跟任何你想要的人睡覺。我只是……”他支支吾吾地說，“我知道這樣很自私，但我只是不希望聽到這些事。”

　 “It’s not selfish,” he said, reaching across the bed for him. “And I wouldn’t do that, not ever.”

“這并不自私。”他說，伸手到床的那頭抱住裘德，“我不會談的，絕對不會。”

　 That was eight months ago, and in those eight months, things had gotten better: not, Willem thought, his former version of better, in which he pretended everything was fine and ignored all inconvenient evidence or suspicions that suggested otherwise, but actually better. He could tell Jude really was more relaxed: he was less inhibited physically, he was more affectionate, and he was both of those things because he knew that Willem had released him from what he thought were his obligations. He was cutting himself far less frequently. Now he didn’t need Harold or Andy to confirm for him that Jude was better: now he knew it to be true. The only difficulty was that he did still desire Jude, and at times he had to remind himself not to go any further, that he was getting close to the boundaries of what Jude could tolerate, and he would make himself stop. In those moments he would be angry, not at Jude or even at himself—he had never felt guilty about wanting to have sex, and he didn’t feel guilty about wanting to have it now—but at life, at how it had conspired to make Jude afraid of something that he had always associated with nothing but pleasure.

那是八個(gè)月前了，在那八個(gè)月，情況逐漸好轉(zhuǎn)：不是他以前所想的那種好轉(zhuǎn)（他以前會假裝一切都很好，無視各種不對勁的證據(jù)，也不懷疑任何相反的跡象），而是確實(shí)好轉(zhuǎn)了。他看得出裘德真的比較放松：對身體的羞怯減少了，更常表示關(guān)愛，而這兩者，都是因?yàn)樗劳獬四切┧哉J(rèn)是自己的義務(wù)。裘德割自己的頻率也低了很多。現(xiàn)在他不需要哈羅德或安迪跟他確認(rèn)裘德好轉(zhuǎn)了，連他也知道這是真的。唯一的難題是，他對裘德還是有欲望，有時(shí)他還得提醒自己不要更進(jìn)一步，提醒自己已經(jīng)瀕臨裘德所能忍受的極限，然后他會逼自己停下來。在那些時(shí)刻，他會很生氣，不是氣裘德，甚至不是氣自己（他從來不會因?yàn)橄胄越欢械阶飷?，現(xiàn)在依然），而是氣人生，竟然促使裘德害怕一件事，而這件事向來只會讓他聯(lián)想到歡娛。

　 He was careful about who he chose to sleep with: he picked people (women, really: they had almost all been women) who he either sensed or knew, from previous experience, were truly only interested in him for sex and were going to be discreet. Often, they were confused, and he didn’t blame them. “Aren’t you in a relationship with a man?” they would ask, and he would tell them that he was, but that they had an open relationship. “So are you not really gay?” they would ask, and he would say, “No, not fundamentally.” The younger women were more accepting of this: they’d had boyfriends (or had boyfriends) who had slept with other men as well; they had slept with other women. “Oh,” they’d say, and that would usually be it—if they had other concerns, other questions, they didn’t ask. These younger women—actresses, makeup assistants, costume assistants—also didn’t want a relationship with him; often, they didn’t want a relationship at all. Sometimes the women asked him questions about Jude—how they had met, what he was like—and he answered them, and felt wistful, and missed him.

他很小心挑選要跟誰睡覺：他挑的人（其實(shí)是女人，他挑的幾乎全是女人）都是他感覺到或是從以往的經(jīng)驗(yàn)確知，對他真的只有上床的興趣，而且會很謹(jǐn)慎的人。她們往往會很困惑，他也不怪她們。“你不是跟男人在一起嗎？”她們會問。他說沒錯(cuò)，但他們是開放式的關(guān)系。“所以你其實(shí)不是同性戀者？”她們會問，然后他說：“對，根本來說不算是。”年輕一些的女人比較能接受這個(gè)狀況：她們的男友（或前男友）也曾跟其他男人睡覺；她們也跟其他女人睡過覺。“喔。”她們會說，通常只到此為止——就算有其他擔(dān)憂或問題，也沒提出來過。這些年輕女人，女演員、化妝助理、服裝助理，不想跟他發(fā)展伴侶關(guān)系，通常她們根本不想跟任何人發(fā)展伴侶關(guān)系。有時(shí)，那些女人會問起關(guān)于裘德的事（他們是怎么認(rèn)識的，他是什么樣的人），他會回答，然后傷感起來，很想念裘德。

　 But he was vigilant about not letting this life intrude on his life at home. Once there had been a blind item in a gossip column—forwarded to him by Kit—that was clearly about him, and after debating whether to say something to Jude or not, he had in the end decided not to; Jude would never see the story, and there was no reason to make what Jude knew was happening in theory something he was forced to confront in reality.

但他隨時(shí)留意，不讓這一方面入侵他在家中的生活。有回一個(gè)八卦專欄沒指名道姓（基特轉(zhuǎn)給他看的），但顯然就是在寫他。他和自己斗爭了半天，還是決定不要告訴裘德；裘德絕不會看到這篇文章。裘德知道這種事理論上會發(fā)生，但他沒有理由逼著裘德去面對現(xiàn)實(shí)。

　 JB, however, had seen the item (he supposed other people he knew had seen it as well, but JB was the only one to actually mention it to him), and had asked him if it was true. “I didn’t know you guys had an open relationship,” he said, more curious than accusatory.

總之，杰比看到那篇八卦文章了（他猜他認(rèn)識的其他人也看到了，但杰比是唯一跟他提起的人），然后問他是不是真的。“我都不曉得你們還有開放式的關(guān)系呢。”他說，比較好奇，而不是責(zé)問。

　 “Oh yeah,” he said, casually. “Right from the start.”

“喔是啊，”他說，故作輕松，“從一開始就是這樣了。”

　 It saddened him, of course, that his sex life and his home life should have to be two distinct realms, but he was old enough now to know that within every relationship was something unfulfilled and disappointing, something that had to be sought elsewhere. His friend Roman, for example, was married to a woman who, while beautiful and loyal, was famously unintelligent: she didn’t understand the films Roman was in, and when you talked to her, you found yourself consciously recalibrating the velocity and complexity and content of your conversation, because she so often looked confused when the talk turned to politics, or finance, or literature, or art, or food, or architecture, or the environment. He knew that Roman was aware of this deficiency, in both Lisa and in his relationship. “Ah, well,” he had once said to Willem, unprompted, “if I want good conversation, I can talk to my friends, right?” Roman had been among the first of his friends to get married, and at the time, he had been fascinated by and disbelieving of his choice. But now he knew: you always sacrificed something. The question was what you sacrificed. He knew that to some people—JB; Roman, probably—his own sacrifice would be unthinkable. It would have been once to him as well.

現(xiàn)在他的性生活和家庭生活成了兩個(gè)截然不同的領(lǐng)域。這一點(diǎn)他當(dāng)然覺得難過，但他現(xiàn)在年紀(jì)夠大了，足以知道每段伴侶關(guān)系都有不足和失望，必須去別處尋求。比方他的朋友羅蒙娶的老婆莉薩美麗而忠實(shí)，但是出了名的不聰明：她根本看不懂羅蒙拍的那些電影，而且你跟她講話時(shí)，會發(fā)現(xiàn)自己一直在評估對話的速度、復(fù)雜度和內(nèi)容，因?yàn)槊看卧掝}一轉(zhuǎn)到政治、金融、文學(xué)、藝術(shù)、美食、建筑或環(huán)境生態(tài)，她常常一臉困惑。他知道羅蒙也知道莉薩和他們伴侶關(guān)系中的這個(gè)缺陷。“啊，好吧，”他有回主動跟威廉說，“如果我想要聊個(gè)過癮，可以找我的朋友談，對吧？”羅蒙是他最早結(jié)婚的朋友之一，當(dāng)時(shí)他對羅蒙的選擇非常好奇，覺得難以置信。但現(xiàn)在他懂了；你總會有所犧牲。他知道對某些人來說（杰比，大概還有羅蒙），他自己的犧牲是難以想象的。他以前也這樣想。