雙語·月亮與六便士 第三十章

But the bed I made up for myself was suffciently uncomfortable to give me a wakeful night, and I thought a good deal of what the unlucky Dutchman had told me. I was not so much puzzled by Blanche Stroeve's action, for I saw in that merely the result of a physical appeal.I do not suppose she had ever really cared for her husband, and what I had taken for love was no more than the feminine response to caresses and comfort which in the minds of most women passes for it.It is a passive feeling capable of being roused for any object, as the vine can grow on any tree；and the wisdom of the world recognizes its strength when it urges a girl to marry the man who wants her with the assurance that love will follow.It is an emotion made up of the satisfaction in security, pride of property, the pleasure of being desired, the gratification of a household, and it is only by an amiable vanity that women ascribe to its spiritual value.It is an emotion which is defenceless against passion.I suspected that Blanche Stroeve's violent dislike of Strickland had in it from the beginning a vague element of sexual attraction.Who am I that I should seek to unravel the mysterious intricacies of sex？Perhaps Stroeve's passion excited without satisfying that part of her nature, and she hated Strickland because she felt in him the power to give her what she needed.I think she was quite sincere when she struggled against her husband's desire to bring him into the studio；I think she was frightened of him, though she knew not why；and I remembered how she had foreseen disaster.I think in some curious way the horror which she felt for him was a transference of the horror which she felt for herself because he so strangely troubled her.His appearance was wild and uncouth；there was aloofness in his eyes and sensuality in his mouth；he was big and strong；he gave the impression of untamed passion；and perhaps she felt in him, too, that sinister element which had made me think of those wild beings of the world's early history when matter, retaining its early connexion with the earth, seemed to possess yet a spirit of its own.If he affected her at all, it was inevitable that she should love or hate him.She hated him.

And then I fancy that the daily intimacy with the sick man moved her strangely. She raised his head to give him food, and it was heavy against her hand；when she fed him she wiped his sensual mouth and his red beard.She washed his limbs；they were covered with thick hair；and when she dried his hands, even in his weakness they were strong and sinewy.His fngers were long；they were the capable, fashioning fngers of the artist；and I know not what troubling thoughts they excited in her.He slept very quietly, without a movement, so that he might have been dead, and he was like some wild creature of the woods, resting after a long chase；and she wondered what fancies passed through his dreams.Did he dream of the nymph fying through the woods of Greece with the satyr in hot pursuit？She fed, swift of foot and desperate, but he gained on her step by step, till she felt his hot breath on her chee；and still she fed silently, and silently he pursued, and when at last he seized her was it terror that thrilled her heart or was it ecstasy？

Blanche Stroeve was in the cruel grip of appetite. Perhaps she hated Strickland still, but she hungered for him, and everything that had made up her life till then became of no account.She ceased to be a woman, complex, kind, and petulant, considerate and thoughtless；she was a Maenad.She was desire.

But perhaps this is very fanciful；and it may be that she was merely bored with her husband and went to Strickland out of a callous curiosity. She may have had no particular feeling for him, but succumbed to his wish from propinquity or idleness, to fnd then that she was powerless in a snare of her own contriving.How did I know what were the thoughts and emotions behind that placid brow and those cool grey eyes？

But if one could be certain of nothing in dealing with creatures so incalculable as human beings, there were explanations of Blanche Stroeve's behaviour which were at all events plausible. On the other hand, I did not understand Strickland at all.I racked my brain, but could in no way account for an action so contrary to my conception of him.It was not strange that he should so heartlessly have betrayed his friends'confdence, nor that he hesitated not at all to gratify a whim at the cost of another's misery.That was in his character.He was a man without any conception of gratitude.He had no compassion.The emotions common to most of us simply did not exist in him, and it was as absurd to blame him for not feeling them as for blaming the tiger because he is ferce and cruel.But it was the whim I could not understand.

I could not believe that Strickland had fallen in love with Blanche Stroeve. I did not believe him capable of love.That is an emotion in which tenderness is an essential part, but Strickland had no tenderness either for himself or for others；there is in love a sense of weakness, a desire to protect, and eagerness to do good and to give pleasure—if not unselfishness, at all events a selfishness which marvellously conceals itself；it has in it a certain diffidence.These were not traits which I could imagine in Strickland.Love is absorbing；it takes the lover out of himself；the most clearsighted, though he may know, cannot realize that this love will cease；it gives body to what he knows is illusion, and, knowing it is nothing else, he loves it better than reality.It makes a man a little more than himself, and at the same time a little less.He ceases to be himself.He is no longer an individual, but a thing, an instrument to some purpose foreign to his ego.Love is never quite devoid of sentimentality, and Strickland was the least inclined to that infrmity of any man I have known.I could not believe that he would ever suffer that possession of himself which love is；he could never endure a foreign yoke.I believed him capable of uprooting from his heart, though it might be with agony, so that he was left battered and ensanguined, anything that came between himself and that uncomprehended craving that urged him constantly to he knew not what.If I have succeeded at all in giving the complicated impression that Strickland made on me, it will not seem outrageous to say that I felt he was at once too great and too small for love.

But I suppose that everyone's conception of the passion is formed on his own idiosyncrasies, and it is different with every different person. A man like Strickland would love in a manner peculiar to himself.It was vain to seek the analysis of his emotion.