雙語·面紗 第二十五章

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For a moment he was silent. Then he took her hand again and pressed it gently.

“You know, darling,” he said, “whatever happens we must keep Dorothy out of this.”

She looked at him blankly.

“But I don't understand. How can we?”

“Well, we can't only think of ourselves in this world. You know, other things being equal, there's nothing in this world I'd love more than to marry you. But it's quite out of the question. I know Dorothy: nothing would induce her to divorce me.”

Kitty was becoming horribly frightened. She began to cry again. He got up and sat down beside her with his arm round her waist.

“Try not to upset yourself, darling. We must keep our heads.”

“I thought you loved me… ”

“Of course I love you,” he said tenderly. “You surely can't have any doubt of that now.”

“If she won't divorce you Walter will make you corespondent.”

He took an appreciable time to answer. His tone was dry.

“Of course that would ruin my career, but I'm afraid it wouldn't do you much good. If the worst came to the worst I should make a clean breast of it to Dorothy; she'd be dreadfully hurt and wretched, but she'd forgive me.” He had an idea. “I'm not sure if the best plan wouldn't be to make a clean break of it anyhow. If she went to your husband I daresay she could persuade him to hold his tongue.”

“Does that mean you don't want her to divorce you?”

“Well, I have got my boys to think of, haven't I? And naturally I don't want to make her unhappy. We've always got on very well together. She's been an awfully good wife to me, you know.”

“Why did you tell me that she meant nothing to you?”

“I never did. I said I wasn't in love with her. We haven't slept together for years except now and then, on Christmas Day for instance, or the day before she was going home or the day she came back. She isn't a woman who cares for that sort of thing. But we've always been excellent friends. I don't mind telling you that I depend on her more than any one has any idea of.”

“Don't you think it would have been better to leave me alone then?”

She found it strange that with terror catching her breath she could speak so calmly.

“You were the loveliest little thing I'd seen for years. I just fell madly in love with you. You can't blame me for that.”

“After all, you said you'd never let me down.”

“But, good God, I'm not going to let you down. We've got in an awful scrape and I'm going to do everything that's humanly possible to get you out of it.”

“Except the one obvious and natural thing.”

He stood up and returned to his own chair.

“My dear, you must be reasonable. We'd much better face the situation frankly. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but really I must tell you the truth. I'm very keen on my career. There's no reason why I shouldn't be a Governor one of these days, and it's a damned soft job to be a Colonial Governor. Unless we can hush this up I don't stand a dog's chance. I may not have to leave the service, but there'll always be a black mark against me. If I do have to leave the service then I must go into business in China where I know people. In either case my only chance is for Dorothy to stick to me.”

“Was it necessary to tell me that you wanted nothing in the world but me?”

The corners of his mouth drooped peevishly.

“Oh, my dear, it's rather hard to take quite literally the things a man says when he's in love with you.”

“Didn't you mean them?”

“At the moment.”

“And what's to happen to me if Walter divorces me?”

“If we really haven't a leg to stand on of course we won't defend. There shouldn't be any publicity and people are pretty broad-minded nowadays.”

For the first time Kitty thought of her mother. She shivered. She looked again at Townsend. Her pain now was tinged with resentment.

“I'm sure you'd have no difficulty in bearing any inconvenience that I had to suffer,” she said.

“We're not going to get much further by saying disagreeable things to one another,” he answered.

She gave a cry of despair. It was dreadful that she should love him so devotedly and yet feel such bitterness towards him. It was not possible that he understood how much he meant to her.

“Oh, Charlie, don't you know how I love you?”

“But, my dear, I love you. Only we're not living in a desert island and we've got to make the best we can out of the circumstances that are forced upon us. You really must be reasonable.”

“How can I be reasonable? To me our love was everything and you were my whole life. It is not very pleasant to realise that to you it was only an episode.”

“Of course it wasn't an episode. But you know, when you ask me to get my wife, to whom I'm very much attached, to divorce me, and ruin my career by marrying you, you're asking a good deal.”

“No more than I'm willing to do for you.”

“The circumstances are rather different.”

“The only difference is that you don't love me.”

“One can be very much in love with a woman without wishing to spend the rest of one's life with her.”

She gave him a quick look and despair seized her. Heavy tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Oh, how cruel! How can you be so heartless?”

She began to sob hysterically. He gave an anxious glance at the door.

“My dear, do try and control yourself.”

“You don't know how I love you,” she gasped. “I can't live without you. Have you no pity for me?”

She could not speak any more. She wept without restraint.

“I don't want to be unkind, and Heaven knows I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I must tell you the truth.”

“It's the ruin of my whole life. Why couldn't you leave me alone? What harm had I ever done you?”

“Of course if it does you any good to put all the blame on me you may.”

Kitty blazed with sudden anger.

“I suppose I threw myself at your head. I suppose I gave you no peace till you yielded to my entreaties.”

“I don't say that. But I certainly should never have thought of making love to you if you hadn't made it perfectly clear that you were ready to be made love to.”

Oh, the shame of it! She knew that what he said was true. His face now was sullen and worried and his hands moved uneasily. Every now and then he gave her a little glance of exasperation.

“Won't your husband forgive you?” he said after a while.

“I never asked him.”

Instinctively he clenched his hands. She saw him suppress the exclamation of annoyance which came to his lips.

“Why don't you go to him and throw yourself on his mercy? If he's as much in love with you as you say he's bound to forgive you.”

“How little you know him!”

第二十五章

他又沉默了好一會(huì)兒，然后，再一次牽起了她的手，并溫柔地把自己的手放在了上面。

“你知道，親愛的?！彼f道，“無論發(fā)生什么事，我們都不要把多蘿西牽扯進(jìn)來?！?/p>

她一臉茫然地望著他。

“但是我不明白，我們?cè)趺茨懿话阉隣砍哆M(jìn)來？”

“嗯，在這個(gè)世界上，我們不能只考慮我們自己。事情是公平的，在世上沒有什么像娶你這樣的事讓我更愿意做的了，但是會(huì)有問題，我了解多蘿西，她絕對(duì)不會(huì)跟我離婚?！?/p>

凱蒂完全被嚇壞了，她又開始哭了起來。他站起身來，坐到了她身邊，用手臂攬著她的腰。

“別再跟自己過不去了，親愛的，我們必須保持理智。”

“我還以為你是愛我的……”

“我當(dāng)然愛你。”他輕言細(xì)語地說道，“你不用有絲毫的懷疑?！?/p>

“如果她不跟你離婚，沃爾特會(huì)指控你破壞別人家庭。”

他很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間沒吱聲，然后用干巴巴的口吻說道：

“這當(dāng)然會(huì)毀了我的事業(yè)，但是我覺得對(duì)你也沒有什么好處。如果到了迫不得已的時(shí)候，我會(huì)一五一十地向多蘿西坦白的。她肯定會(huì)很受傷，而且也會(huì)很痛苦，但她終究會(huì)原諒我的?！彼钟辛艘粋€(gè)想法，“我不能確定這是不是最佳方案，如果我全都向她坦白，如果她去找你的丈夫談判的話，我敢說她一定會(huì)說服他閉嘴的?！?/p>

“那就是說你不想跟她離婚？”

“是的，我得為我的孩子著想呀，不是嗎？而且我自然也不想讓她難過，我們?cè)谝黄鹨恢毕嗵幍煤芎?，你知道，?duì)我來說，她真是一個(gè)特別稱職的妻子?！?/p>

“那你以前為什么總跟我說她在你眼中什么都不是？”

“我從沒這樣說過，我確實(shí)說過我不愛她。除了偶爾在一起，比如圣誕節(jié)，或者她回國(guó)之前或者從國(guó)內(nèi)回來。我們分居好多年了，她對(duì)夫妻間的事不太感興趣，但是我們一直相敬如賓，我不介意告訴你我對(duì)她的依賴程度超過了任何人的想象?！?/p>

“那么你為什么來招惹我呢？”

一陣恐懼襲來讓她無法呼吸，但奇怪的是，她竟然能平靜地說話。

“你是我多年來所見到的最可愛的女人，我瘋狂地愛上了你，你不能為此而責(zé)怪我?！?/p>

“不管怎么說，你承諾過不會(huì)拋下我不管的?！?/p>

“但是，上帝呀，我的確不會(huì)拋下你不管的，但現(xiàn)在身陷困境，我正打算盡一切力量把你解救出來。”

“除了一件顯而易見和再正常不過的事之外?！?/p>

他站了起來，又坐回了他自己的椅子上。

“我親愛的，你必須清醒。我們最好直面目前的狀況。我不想傷害你的感情，但我必須告訴你實(shí)話，我很在意我的事業(yè)，有朝一日我會(huì)成為總督，殖民地總督真是一個(gè)再輕松不過的職位。除非我們把這事壓下去，否則我根本不會(huì)有一絲的機(jī)會(huì)。我可能不得不辭職，但總有一個(gè)污點(diǎn)，對(duì)我以后的發(fā)展不利。如果我被迫離開這個(gè)職位，我只能去中國(guó)經(jīng)商，因?yàn)樵谀莾何疫€有些熟人。但無論是哪種情況，我都會(huì)讓多蘿西留在我身邊。”

“那你當(dāng)初有必要一再跟我說，在這個(gè)世界上除了我，你什么都不想要嗎？”

他的嘴角又生氣地耷拉了下來。

“哦，我親愛的，當(dāng)一個(gè)男人愛上你的時(shí)候，他說的話是當(dāng)不得真的?！?/p>

“你的意思是你說的話也不能當(dāng)真？”

“當(dāng)時(shí)我可是真心的。”

“如果沃爾特和我離婚了，我怎么辦？”

“當(dāng)然，如果實(shí)在無能為力了，我們也就放棄抵抗了。這事不會(huì)鬧得盡人皆知的，而且現(xiàn)在的人們對(duì)這種事都很寬容?！?/p>

凱蒂第一次想到了自己的母親，她渾身顫抖著，又看了看查理，她的痛苦現(xiàn)在附加上了怨恨。

“我敢肯定我所承受的痛苦，對(duì)你來說根本不算回事?！?/p>

“我們不要再相互指責(zé)了吧?！彼卮鸬馈?/p>

她絕望地哭喊了出來。她全身心地愛著他，現(xiàn)在卻對(duì)他滿腔哀怨，這也太可怕了，他不可能理解他在她心里的分量。

“噢，查理，你難道不知道我有多愛你嗎？”

“但是，親愛的，我也愛你?？晌覀儾皇巧钤诨膷u上，我們得盡一切努力從目前的困境中解脫出來，你真的必須保持理智?！?/p>

“我怎么能保持理智？對(duì)我來說，我們的愛情就是一切，你是我的整個(gè)生命，而我現(xiàn)在認(rèn)識(shí)到，對(duì)你來說，我不過是你生命中的一段小插曲，這可無法讓我高興起來?！?/p>

“你當(dāng)然不會(huì)是一段小插曲。但你得知道，你要求我離開我妻子——對(duì)于她，我是很依賴的——讓我跟她離婚，而且要因?yàn)槿⒘四銡Я宋业那俺?，你的要求就有點(diǎn)兒過分了?！?/p>

“要是換作我，我是愿意為你放棄一切的?！?/p>

“咱倆的情況不一樣?！?/p>

“唯一不同的就是你不愛我?！?/p>

“一個(gè)男人深愛著一個(gè)女人，并不意味著希望余生和她一起度過。”

她快速地看了他一眼，絕望又一次占據(jù)了她的身心，她忍不住又一次淚如雨下。

“噢，太殘忍了，你怎么能如此絕情？”

她開始歇斯底里地哭泣著，他焦急地看了一眼房門。

“親愛的，試著控制一下你自己?！?/p>

“你不知道我有多愛你?！彼艘豢跉庹f，“沒有你我無法活下去。你真的一點(diǎn)兒都不可憐我嗎？”

她不再說什么了，只是不住地抽泣。

“我也不想這樣，老天知道我不想傷害你的感情，但我必須告訴你實(shí)情?！?/p>

“你已經(jīng)毀掉了我的整個(gè)生活。為什么你不能讓我好好生活，要來招惹我？我究竟欠你什么了？”

“如果你覺得好受些，當(dāng)然可以把一切都怪在我頭上?！?/p>

突如其來的憤怒讓凱蒂像火山一樣爆發(fā)了。

“我想我是主動(dòng)向你投懷送抱了，我想我是纏著你不放，讓你不得安寧了，直到你不得不答應(yīng)我的求歡?！?/p>

“我并沒有這樣說。但是，如果你沒有清楚地表明你已經(jīng)準(zhǔn)備好要和我做愛的話，顯然當(dāng)初我不會(huì)想到要和你做愛的。”

啊，多丟人呀！她知道他的話沒有錯(cuò)。他的臉現(xiàn)在變得更加陰沉和焦慮，他的手也不安地亂動(dòng)。時(shí)不時(shí)地，他會(huì)生氣地瞟她一眼。

“你丈夫不會(huì)原諒你嗎？”過了一會(huì)兒，他問道。

“我絕不會(huì)乞求他的原諒?！?/p>

本能地，他握緊了雙手。她看出他把到了嘴邊的氣話咽了回去。

“你為什么不去跟他談?wù)?，主?dòng)請(qǐng)求他的原諒？如果他真像你說的那么愛你的話，他肯定會(huì)原諒你的?！?/p>

“你真的一點(diǎn)兒也不了解他！”