雙語(yǔ)·面紗 第二十六章

26

She wiped her eyes. She tried to pull herself together.

“Charlie, if you desert me I shall die.”

She was driven now to appeal to his compassion. She ought to have told him at once. When he knew the horrible alternative that was placed before her his generosity, his sense of justice, his manliness, would be so vehemently aroused that he would think of nothing but her danger. Oh, how passionately she desired to feel his dear, protecting arms around her!

“Walter wants me to go to Mei-tan-fu.”

“Oh, but that's the place where the cholera is. They've got the worst epidemic that they've had for fifty years. It's no place for a woman. You can't possibly go there.”

“If you let me down I shall have to.”

“What do you mean? I don't understand.”

“Walter is taking the place of the missionary doctor who died. He wants me to go with him.”

“When?”

“Now. At once.”

Townsend pushed back his chair and looked at her with puzzled eyes.

“I may be very stupid, but I can't make head or tail out of what you're saying. If he wants you to go to this place with him what about a divorce?”

“He's given me my choice. I must either go to Mei-tan-fu or else he'll bring an action.”

“Oh, I see.” Townsend's tone changed ever so slightly. “I think that's rather decent of him, don't you?”

“Decent?”

“Well, it's a damned sporting thing of him to go there. It's not a thing I'd fancy. Of course he'll get a C.M.G. for it when he comes back.”

“But me, Charlie?” she cried, with anguish in her voice.

“Well, I think if he wants you to go, under the circumstances I don't see how you can very well refuse.”

“It means death. Absolutely certain death.”

“Oh, damn it all, that's rather an exaggeration. He would hardly take you if he thought that. It's no more risk for you than for him. In point of fact there's no great risk if you're careful. I've been here when there's been cholera and I haven't turned a hair. The great thing is not to eat anything uncooked, no raw fruit or salads, or anything like that, and see that your drinking water is boiled.” He was gaining confidence as he proceeded, and his speech was fluent; he was even becoming less sullen and more alert; he was almost breezy. “After all, it's his job, isn't it? He's interested in bugs. It's rather a chance for him if you come to think of it.”

“But me, Charlie?” she repeated, not with anguish now, but with consternation.

“Well, the best way to understand a man is to put yourself in his shoes. From his point of view you've been rather a naughty little thing and he wants to get you out of harm's way. I always thought he never wanted to divorce you, he doesn't strike me as that sort of chap; but he made what he thought was a very generous offer and you put his back up by turning it down. I don't want to blame you, but really for all our sakes I think you ought to have given it a little consideration.”

“But don't you see it'll kill me? Don't you know that he's taking me there because he knows it'll kill me.”

“Oh, my dear, don't talk like that. We're in a damned awkward position and really it's no time to be melodramatic.”

“You've made up your mind not to understand.” Oh, the pain in her heart, and the fear! She could have screamed. “You can't send me to certain death. If you have no love or pity for me you must have just ordinary human feeling.”

“I think it's rather hard on me to put it like that. As far as I can make out your husband is behaving very generously. He's willing to forgive you if you'll let him. He wants to get you away and this opportunity has presented itself to take you to some place where for a few months you'll be out of harm's way. I don't pretend that Mei-tan-fu is a health resort, I never knew a Chinese city that was, but there's no reason to get the wind up about it. In fact that's the worst thing you can do. I believe as many people die from sheer fright in an epidemic as because they get infected.”

“But I'm frightened now. When Walter spoke of it I almost fainted.”

“At the first moment I can quite believe it was a shock, but when you come to look at it calmly you'll be all right. It'll be the sort of experience that not everyone has had.”

“I thought, I thought...”

She rocked to and fro in an agony. He did not speak, and once more his face wore that sullen look which till lately she had never known. Kitty was not crying now. She was dry-eyed, calm, and though her voice was low it was steady.

“Do you want me to go?”

“It's Hobson's choice, isn't it?”

“Is it?”

“It's only fair to you to tell you that if your husband brought an action for divorce and won it I should not be in a position to marry you.”

It must have seemed an age to him before she answered. She rose slowly to her feet.

“I don't think that my husband ever thought of bringing an action.”

“Then why in God's name have you been frightening me out of my wits?” he asked.

She looked at him coolly.

“He knew that you'd let me down.”

She was silent. Vaguely, as when you are studying a foreign language and read a page which at first you can make nothing of, till a word or a sentence gives you a clue; and on a sudden a suspicion, as it were, of the sense flashes across your troubled wits, vaguely she gained an inkling into the workings of Walter's mind. It was like a dark and ominous landscape seen by a flash of lightning and in a moment hidden again by the night. She shuddered at what she saw.

“He made that threat only because he knew that you'd crumple up at it, Charlie. It's strange that he should have judged you so accurately. It was just like him to expose me to such a cruel disillusion.”

Charlie looked down at the sheet of blotting paper in front of him. He was frowning a little and his mouth was sulky. But he did not reply.

“He knew that you were vain, cowardly and self-seeking. He wanted me to see it with my own eyes. He knew that you'd run like a hare at the approach of danger. He knew how grossly deceived I was in thinking that you were in love with me, because he knew that you were incapable of loving any one but yourself. He knew you'd sacrifice me without a pang to save your own skin.”

“If it really gives you any satisfaction to say beastly things to me I suppose I've got no right to complain. Women always are unfair and they generally manage to put a man in the wrong. But there is something to be said on the other side.”

She took no notice of his interruption.

“And now I know all that he knew. I know that you're callous and heartless, I know that you're selfish, selfish beyond words, and I know that you haven't the nerve of a rabbit, I know you're a liar and a humbug, I know that you're utterly contemptible. And the tragic part is”--her face was on a sudden distraught with pain--“the tragic part is that notwithstanding I love you with all my heart.”

“Kitty.”

She gave a bitter laugh. He had spoken her name in that melting, rich tone of his which came to him so naturally and meant so little.

“You fool,” she said.

He drew back quickly, flushing and offended; he could not make her out. She gave him a look in which there was a glint of amusement.

“You're beginning to dislike me, aren't you? Well, dislike me. It doesn't make any difference to me now.”

She began to put on her gloves.

“What are you going to do?” he asked.

“Oh, don't be afraid, you'll come to no harm. You'll be quite safe.”

“For God's sake, don't talk like that, Kitty,” he answered and his deep voice rang with anxiety. “You must know that everything that concerns you concerns me. I shall be frightfully anxious to know what happens. What are you going to say to your husband?”

“I'm going to tell him that I'm prepared to go to Mei-tan-fu with him.”

“Perhaps when you consent he won't insist.”

He could not have known why, when he said this, she looked at him so strangely.

“You're not really frightened?” he asked her.

“No,” she said. “You've inspired me with courage. To go into the midst of a cholera epidemic will be a unique experience and if I die it--well, I die.”

“I was trying to be as kind to you as I could.”

She looked at him again. Tears sprang into her eyes once more and her heart was very full. The impulse was almost irresistible to fling herself on his breast and crush her lips against his. It was no use.

“If you want to know,” she said, trying to keep her voice steady,“I go with death in my heart and fear. I do not know what Walter has in that dark, twisted mind of his, but I'm shaking with terror. I think it may be that death will be really a release.”

She felt that she could not hold on to her self-control for another moment. She walked swiftly to the door and let herself out before he had time to move from his chair. Townsend gave a long sigh of relief. He badly wanted a brandy and soda.

第二十六章

她擦干了眼淚，試圖鎮(zhèn)定一下自己。

“查理，如果你把我拋棄，我會(huì)死的?！?/p>

現(xiàn)在她被迫開(kāi)始想喚起他的同情了，也許早應(yīng)該告訴他這一點(diǎn)了。這樣當(dāng)他知道她面臨的可怕的生死抉擇時(shí)，就會(huì)強(qiáng)烈激發(fā)起他的慷慨大度、他的正義之感、他的男子漢氣概，他會(huì)考慮到她的危險(xiǎn)而不會(huì)顧慮到其他的事情的。噢，她是多么充滿激情地渴望他那親切、有力的臂膀抱著她，保護(hù)她呀！

“沃爾特想讓我去湄潭府?！?/p>

“呃，但是那個(gè)地方正在流行霍亂，正在遭遇五十年來(lái)最嚴(yán)重的瘟疫，不是女人該去的地方，你千萬(wàn)別去那兒。”

“如果你不管我，我就不得不去了?！?/p>

“你什么意思？我沒(méi)明白。”

“沃爾特正打算替代那兒已經(jīng)死去的傳教士醫(yī)生的位置，他想讓我跟他一起去?！?/p>

“什么時(shí)候？”

“現(xiàn)在，馬上動(dòng)身?！?/p>

查理把椅子向后推開(kāi)，困惑地看著她。

“我也許反應(yīng)很遲鈍，但我確實(shí)沒(méi)搞明白你在說(shuō)什么，如果他想讓你跟他去那個(gè)地方，那離婚又是怎么回事？”

“他讓我做出選擇，要么我去湄潭府，要么他就要提出訴訟?！?/p>

“哦，我明白了。”湯森說(shuō)話的口吻又開(kāi)始有了些許的變化，“我倒是認(rèn)為他相當(dāng)勇氣可嘉，不是嗎？”

“勇氣可嘉？”

“好了，他把去那兒當(dāng)成見(jiàn)鬼的運(yùn)動(dòng)項(xiàng)目了，我可從來(lái)不敢想，當(dāng)他回來(lái)的時(shí)候，毫無(wú)疑問(wèn)會(huì)獲得圣邁克爾和圣喬治勛爵榮銜[1]的?！?/p>

“但是我怎么辦，查理？”她喊道，聲音中帶著極度的痛苦。

“好吧，我覺(jué)得如果他想讓你去，在目前的狀況下，我看你不好拒絕。”

“那意味著死亡，絕對(duì)的不歸之路?！?/p>

“哦，老天爺，你太夸張了。如果他也這樣認(rèn)為的話，他是不會(huì)帶上你的。與其說(shuō)是你有危險(xiǎn)，還不如說(shuō)他的危險(xiǎn)更大些。事實(shí)上，如果你加些小心，是不會(huì)冒很大的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)的。那兒鬧霍亂的時(shí)候，我去過(guò)那兒，不是也毫發(fā)無(wú)損嘛。重要的是不要吃沒(méi)煮熟的東西，不要吃生的水果和沙拉，或者諸如此類的東西，而且還要注意飲用水要煮沸?！彼粩嗟赝抡f(shuō)，信心也慢慢恢復(fù)了，言辭變得流利起來(lái)，甚至不再那么沉著臉了，神色也陰轉(zhuǎn)晴了，幾乎又輕松愉快了，“不管怎么說(shuō)，那是他的工作，不是嗎？他對(duì)細(xì)菌感興趣，如果你考慮到這一點(diǎn)，對(duì)他來(lái)說(shuō)，這還真是個(gè)千載難逢的好機(jī)會(huì)呢。”

“可我呢，查理？”她又重復(fù)道，但這次聲音里不再有痛苦了，有的只是驚愕。

“嗯，理解一個(gè)男人的最好方式是換位思考，從他的角度上看，你是個(gè)相當(dāng)淘氣的小東西，他想讓你別再闖禍了。我一直在想，他絕對(duì)不想跟你離婚，我印象中他絕不是那樣的人。相反，他打定主意要給你提供一個(gè)慷慨大方的條件，而你卻置之不理，不想接受。我不想責(zé)怪你，但如果你能真的為我們倆著想，我覺(jué)得你早就應(yīng)該考慮一下這個(gè)條件了?！?/p>

“但是你看不出來(lái)這會(huì)害死我嗎？難道你不明白他之所以要帶我去那兒，就是因?yàn)樗肋@樣可以害死我嗎？”

“哦，親愛(ài)的，不要這樣說(shuō)嘛，我們現(xiàn)在的處境是相當(dāng)尷尬的，真的沒(méi)有時(shí)間去異想天開(kāi)、聳人聽(tīng)聞了?！?/p>

“你已經(jīng)鐵了心不想去弄明白原委了?！编?，她心中的痛苦和恐懼幾乎讓她尖叫起來(lái)，“你不能把我推向死亡，即使你對(duì)我沒(méi)有愛(ài)情和憐憫，你應(yīng)該還有正常人的感情呀。”

“我認(rèn)為你這樣說(shuō)我有點(diǎn)兒過(guò)于刻薄了。就我目前的判斷，你丈夫的行為已經(jīng)夠?qū)捄甏罅康牧耍绻懵?tīng)從他的條件，他愿意原諒你。他想帶你走，不過(guò)是把你帶到某個(gè)地方待上幾個(gè)月，你就不會(huì)再闖禍了。我不能假裝說(shuō)湄潭府是一個(gè)讓人身心健康的勝地，但是也沒(méi)有什么理由緊張兮兮的。實(shí)際上，你要是過(guò)度緊張反而是最糟糕的事情。我認(rèn)為，在一場(chǎng)瘟疫當(dāng)中，死于恐懼的人和純粹死于感染的人一樣多。”

“可是我現(xiàn)在就怕得要死，當(dāng)沃爾特說(shuō)到這事的時(shí)候，我都快嚇暈過(guò)去了?！?/p>

“在一開(kāi)始的時(shí)候，我能十分理解，這聽(tīng)上去確實(shí)嚇人，但是當(dāng)你冷靜下來(lái)再看待它時(shí)，就很平常了，它會(huì)是某種并非每個(gè)人都能擁有的體驗(yàn)?！?/p>

“我還以為，我還以為……”

她在痛苦中搖擺不定，他也不再說(shuō)話，臉再一次陰沉了下來(lái)，這副表情是她以前從來(lái)沒(méi)見(jiàn)過(guò)的。凱蒂現(xiàn)在不哭了，她的眼淚已經(jīng)哭干。她冷靜下來(lái)，雖然聲音還是低沉的，但已經(jīng)平穩(wěn)了。

“你是想讓我去，是嗎？”

“除此之外，別無(wú)選擇，不是嗎？”

“是嗎？”

“我直截了當(dāng)?shù)馗嬖V你吧，如果你丈夫鬧到法庭要跟你離婚，而且贏了離婚官司，我也不會(huì)娶你的?！?/p>

他似乎等待了很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間，才聽(tīng)到她的回答，她慢慢站起身來(lái)。

“我認(rèn)為我丈夫從來(lái)沒(méi)想過(guò)提出離婚訴訟?！?/p>

“那么看在上帝的分兒上，你為什么要一直嚇唬我，讓我不知所措呢？”他問(wèn)道。

她冷冷地看著他。

“他知道你會(huì)犧牲掉我的?！?/p>

她安靜了下來(lái)，模模糊糊地意識(shí)到了什么，就像你在學(xué)習(xí)一門(mén)外語(yǔ)，或者讀一段你完全不明就里的文字，直到一個(gè)詞或者一個(gè)句子給了你某種提示，在半信半疑之間，你受到困擾的頭腦突然靈光一現(xiàn)。她隱隱約約地尋到了一種跡象，能夠摸透沃爾特的思路，就像一道閃電劃過(guò)了黑暗和預(yù)示著不祥的夜空，但片刻之后，又隱藏在了黑夜之中。她對(duì)所看到的一切感到不寒而栗。

“他之所以這樣威脅我，是因?yàn)樗肋@樣可以把你逼到墻角，查理。也真是怪了，他把你看得那么準(zhǔn)，就像他能把我暴露在殘忍的幻滅之中，讓我徹底清醒。”

查理低頭看著面前的一張吸墨紙，皺著眉，嘴角耷拉著，但沒(méi)有作聲。

“他知道你是虛偽、懦弱和自私的。他想讓我用自己的眼睛看清這一點(diǎn)；他知道在危險(xiǎn)來(lái)臨的時(shí)候，你會(huì)像兔子一樣逃脫；他知道我被你的花言巧語(yǔ)騙得暈頭轉(zhuǎn)向，以為你愛(ài)我，其實(shí)他清楚你除了你自己，是不會(huì)真正愛(ài)上別人的；他知道你會(huì)毫不心疼地犧牲掉我，來(lái)挽救你的顏面?！?/p>

“如果說(shuō)這些惡毒的話能讓你滿意，我覺(jué)得我沒(méi)有權(quán)利再爭(zhēng)辯什么了。女人們總是不太公平，她們通常會(huì)冤枉一個(gè)男人，但是另外一方是有苦衷的?！?/p>

她沒(méi)有注意到他的插話。

“現(xiàn)在我也知道了他所察覺(jué)到的一切，知道你是個(gè)鐵石心腸、薄情寡義的人，知道你是個(gè)自私的人，自私得無(wú)以言表，知道你是個(gè)膽小如鼠的人，知道你是個(gè)滿嘴謊話和花言巧語(yǔ)的人，知道你是個(gè)徹頭徹尾的卑鄙的小人。但可悲的是……”她的臉因?yàn)闃O度的痛苦而扭曲，“可悲的是，即使是這樣，我還在全心全意地愛(ài)著你?！?/p>

“凱蒂?！?/p>

她發(fā)出了一聲苦笑。他總是能用一種融化人心的、語(yǔ)氣豐富的、隨時(shí)可用的聲音呼喚她的名字，但根本沒(méi)有什么實(shí)質(zhì)內(nèi)容。

“你個(gè)蠢貨。”她說(shuō)道。

他迅速地后退了一步，面紅耳赤，感覺(jué)受到了冒犯，他不明白她什么意思。她瞥了他一眼，眼光中有著一絲戲謔。

“你現(xiàn)在開(kāi)始討厭我了，是吧？好吧，隨你便吧，現(xiàn)在對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)也無(wú)所謂了?！?/p>

她開(kāi)始戴手套了。

“你下一步要干什么？”他問(wèn)道。

“哦，別害怕，你不會(huì)受到什么傷害的，你很安全?！?/p>

“看在上帝的分兒上，別那么說(shuō)話，凱蒂?！彼卮鸬?，低沉的聲音中透著焦慮，“你得明白我們是一條繩上的螞蚱，我對(duì)接下來(lái)會(huì)發(fā)生的事十分擔(dān)驚受怕，你會(huì)對(duì)你丈夫說(shuō)些什么？”

“我會(huì)告訴他我準(zhǔn)備和他一起去湄潭府。”

“興許你同意了，他倒不再堅(jiān)持了?！?/p>

他不知道為什么，當(dāng)他說(shuō)這話的時(shí)候，她用一種很奇怪的表情看著他。

“你真的不害怕嗎？”他問(wèn)她。

“不怕。”她說(shuō)道，“你激發(fā)了我的勇氣，去霍亂瘟疫爆發(fā)的中心將會(huì)是一次獨(dú)特的體驗(yàn)，而且如果我死了——呃，就讓我死吧。”

“我是想盡可能地對(duì)你好的。”

她再次看著他，淚水再一次涌了出來(lái)，心里被某種情緒充得滿滿的，幾乎有一種抑制不住的沖動(dòng)想撲到他的懷中，把她的雙唇緊緊地壓在他的雙唇上。但是已經(jīng)沒(méi)用了。

“如果你想知道，”她說(shuō)道，試圖讓她的聲音趨于平穩(wěn)，“我心里明白，這是在赴死，我也很恐懼。我不知道沃爾特黑暗、扭曲的內(nèi)心是怎么想的，我因?yàn)楹ε露l(fā)抖，可死亡對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)也許真的是一種解脫?！?/p>

她覺(jué)得再待一會(huì)兒她會(huì)控制不了自己的，于是在他有時(shí)間從椅子邊站起身之前，快步走到了門(mén)邊，開(kāi)門(mén)走了。湯森如釋重負(fù)地發(fā)出一聲長(zhǎng)長(zhǎng)的嘆息，他現(xiàn)在很想喝上一杯帶蘇打水的白蘭地。

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[1]圣邁克爾和圣喬治勛爵榮銜（C.M.G），是英國(guó)傳統(tǒng)榮譽(yù)制度的一種，往往授予為英國(guó)做出突出貢獻(xiàn)的人。