雙語·面紗 第四十六章

That evening Walter came back to the bungalow a little earlier than usual. Kitty was lying on the long chair by the open window. It was nearly dark.

“Don't you want a lamp?” he asked.

“They'll bring it when dinner is ready.”

He talked to her always quite casually, of trifling things, as though they were friendly acquaintances, and there was never anything in his manner to suggest that he harboured malice in his heart. He never met her eyes and he never smiled. He was scrupulously polite.

“Walter, what do you propose we should do if we get through the epidemic?” she asked.

He waited a moment before answering. She could not see his face.

“I haven't thought.”

In the old days she said carelessly whatever came into her head; it never occurred to her to think before she spoke; but now she was afraid of him; she felt her lips tremble and her heart beat painfully.

“I went to the convent this afternoon.”

“So I heard.”

She forced herself to speak though she could hardly frame the words.

“Did you really want me to die when you brought me here?”

“If I were you I'd leave well alone, Kitty. I don't think any good will come of talking about what we should do much better to forget.”

“But you don't forget; neither do I. I've been thinking a great deal since I came here. Won't you listen to what I have to say?”

“Certainly.”

“I treated you very badly. I was unfaithful to you.”

He stood stock still. His immobility was strangely terrifying.

“I don't know whether you'll understand what I mean. That sort of thing doesn't mean very much to a woman when it's over. I think women have never quite understood the attitude that men take up.”She spoke abruptly, in a voice she would hardly have recognised as her own. “You know what Charlie was and you knew what he'd do. Well, you were quite right. He's a worthless creature. I suppose I shouldn't have been taken in by him if I hadn't been as worthless as he. I don't ask you to forgive me. I don't ask you to love me as you used to love me. But couldn't we be friends? With all these people dying in thousands round us, and with those nuns in their convent . . .”

“What have they got to do with it?” he interrupted.

“I can't quite explain. I had such a singular feeling when I went there to-day. It all seems to mean so much. It's all so terrible and their self-sacrifice is so wonderful; I can't help feeling it's absurd and disproportionate, if you understand what I mean, to distress yourself because a foolish woman has been unfaithful to you. I'm much too worthless and insignificant for you to give me a thought.”

He did not answer, but he did not move away; he seemed to be waiting for her to continue.

“Mr. Waddington and the nuns have told me such wonderful things about you. I'm very proud of you, Walter.”

“You used not to be; you used to feel contempt for me. Don't you still?”

“Don't you know that I'm afraid of you?”

Again he was silent.

“I don't understand you,” he said at last. “I don't know what it is you want.”

“Nothing for myself. I only want you to be a little less unhappy.”

She felt him stiffen and his voice was very cold when he answered.

“You're mistaken in thinking I'm unhappy. I have a great deal too much to do to think of you very often.”

“I have wondered if the nuns would allow me to go and work at the convent. They are very shorthanded and if I could be of any help I should be grateful to them.”

“It is not easy work or pleasant work. I doubt if it would amuse you long.”

“Do you absolutely despise me, Walter?”

“No.” He hesitated and his voice was strange. “I despise myself.”

那天傍晚，沃爾特比以往略微早了一些回到了他們住的平房。凱蒂正躺在長椅上，而長椅又對著敞開的窗戶。天快黑了。

“屋里怎么沒燈？”他問道。

“晚飯準(zhǔn)備好了，他們會把燈拿來的。”

他總是跟她很隨便地聊些瑣碎的事，好像他們是關(guān)系不錯的朋友，他的神態(tài)上沒有一絲跡象表明他還記恨在心。他絕不跟她對視，也從不微笑。他小心翼翼地保持著禮貌。

“沃爾特，如果我們幸免于這場瘟疫，你覺得我們以后應(yīng)當(dāng)怎么辦？”她問道。

在回答之前，他停頓了一會兒，她看不見他的臉。

“我還沒想過。”

在往昔的時光里，她想到什么開口就說，是絕不會在說之前考慮再三的，但是現(xiàn)在她有點兒怕他，她覺得自己的嘴唇在顫抖，胸口在撕心裂肺般地疼痛。

“今天下午我去了修道院?！?/p>

“我聽說了?！?/p>

即使說不成完整的句子，她還是強迫自己說下去。

“你把我?guī)У竭@兒，是真的想讓我死嗎？”

“如果我是你，我會適可而止的，凱蒂。我覺得沒完沒了地談?wù)撐覀儽驹撏浀氖?，這種念頭可不怎么好?！?/p>

“但是你并沒有忘記，我也沒有忘記。自從來到這兒以后，我想了很多，你真的不想聽聽我的心里話嗎？”

“當(dāng)然愿意，我洗耳恭聽?！?/p>

“我確實對不住你，我對你不忠。”

他愣愣地站著，一動不動，樣子有點兒嚇人。

“我不知道你是否會理解我的意思，當(dāng)這種事結(jié)束的時候，對女人來說算不了什么，我認(rèn)為女人絕不會理解男人們所采取的態(tài)度?！彼蝗挥靡环N她自己都幾乎認(rèn)不出的聲音說道，“你知道查理是個什么樣的人，也知道他下一步會怎么做。好吧，你是對的，他是個無賴，我覺得要不是我也跟他臭味相投，也不會被他輕易上手的。我不是在請求你的原諒，也不是請求你能像以前那樣愛我，可是我們不能成為朋友嗎？在我們身邊，每天都有成千上萬的人死去，還有那些在修道院里的修女……”

“她們和這事有什么關(guān)系？”他打斷了她的話。

“我也解釋不清楚，今天去了那里以后，我有種奇怪的感覺，它似乎意味著很多東西。瘟疫是如此可怕，而她們自我犧牲的精神是那么讓人敬佩。我禁不住覺得我倆之間的事是那么荒唐和不足掛齒。如果你能明白我的意思，請你不要因為一個愚蠢的女人曾經(jīng)對你不忠而悶悶不樂吧，我對你來說，一無是處和微不足道，不值得讓你為我費那么多心思?！?/p>

他沒有回答，但也沒有挪步，似乎在等她繼續(xù)說下去。

“威廷頓先生和修女們已經(jīng)跟我講了很多你做的事情，都那么了不起。我很為你驕傲，沃爾特。”

“你過去可不是這樣，以前你總是瞧不起我，現(xiàn)在怎么變了？”

“你難道看不出來我既怕你又擔(dān)心你嗎？”

他又一次沉默了。

“我不明白?！彼詈笳f道，“我不知道你想要什么？”

“我自己什么都不想要，我只想要你不要那么不開心?！?/p>

她能感覺到他僵住了。當(dāng)他開口時，聲音又變得很冰冷。

“你要是覺得我不開心，那你就想錯了，我有太多的事情要做，沒有工夫琢磨你?！?/p>

“我想知道修女們愿不愿意讓我去修道院幫忙，她們的人手很缺。如果我能幫上一點兒忙的話，我應(yīng)該感謝她們給我提供機會?！?/p>

“那可不是一件輕松的活或者令人愉快的工作，我懷疑你能堅持多久。”

“你在鄙視我，對嗎，沃爾特？”

“不對?！彼q豫了一下，聲音變得怪怪的，“我在鄙視我自己?！?/p>