雙語·面紗 第四十七章

47

It was after dinner. As usual Walter sat by the lamp and read. He read every evening till Kitty went to bed and then went into a laboratory which he had fitted up in one of the bungalow's empty rooms. Here he worked late into the night. He slept little. He was occupied with she knew not what experiments. He told her nothing of his work; but even in the old days he had been reticent on this: he was not by nature expansive. She thought deeply of what he had just said to her: the conversation had led to nothing. She knew him so little that she could not be sure if he was speaking the truth or not. Was it possible that, whereas he now existed so ominously for her, she had entirely ceased to exist for him? Her conversation, which had entertained him once because he loved her, now that he loved her no longer might be merely tedious to him. It mortified her.

She looked at him. The light of the lamp displayed his profile as though it were a cameo. With his regular and finely cut features it was very distinguished, but it was more than severe, it was grim: that immobility of his, only his eyes moving as he perused each page, was vaguely terrifying. Who would have thought that this hard face could be melted by passion to such a tenderness of expression? She knew and it excited in her a little shiver of distaste. It was strange that though he was good-looking as well as honest, reliable and talented, it had been so impossible for her to love him. It was a relief that she need never again submit to his caresses.

He would not answer when she had asked him whether in forcing her to come here he had really wished to kill her. The mystery of this fascinated and horrified her. He was so extraordinarily kind; it was incredible that he could have had such a devilish intention. He must have suggested it only to frighten her and to get back on Charlie (that would be like his sardonic humour) and then from obstinacy or from fear of looking foolish insisted on her going through with it.

Yes, he said he despised himself. What did he mean by that? Once again Kitty looked at his calm cool face. She might not even be in the room, he was so unconscious of her.

“Why do you despise yourself?” she asked, hardly knowing that she spoke, as though she were continuing without a break the earlier conversation.

He put down his book and observed her reflectively. He seemed to gather his thoughts from a remote distance.

“Because I loved you.”

She flushed and looked away. She could not bear his cold, steady and appraising gaze. She understood what he meant. It was a little while before she answered.

“I think you do me an injustice,” she said. “It's not fair to blame me because I was silly and frivolous and vulgar. I was brought up like that. All the girls I know are like that... It's like reproaching someone who has no ear for music because he's bored at a symphony concert. Is it fair to blame me because you ascribed to me qualities I hadn't got? I never tried to deceive you by pretending I was anything I wasn't. I was just pretty and gay. You don't ask for a pearl necklace or a sable coat at a booth in a fair; you ask for a tin trumpet and a toy balloon.”

“I don't blame you.”

His voice was weary. She was beginning to feel a trifle impatient with him. Why could he not realize, what suddenly had become so clear to her, that beside all the terror of death under whose shadow they lay and beside the awe of the beauty which she had caught a glimpse of that day, their own affairs were trivial? What did it really matter if a silly woman had committed adultery and why should her husband, face to face with the sublime, give it a thought? It was strange that Walter with all his cleverness should have so little sense of proportion. Because he had dressed a doll in gorgeous robes and set her in a sanctuary to worship her, and then discovered that the doll was filled with sawdust he could neither forgive himself nor her. His soul was lacerated. It was all make-believe that he had lived on, and when the truth shattered it he thought reality itself was shattered. It was true enough, he would not forgive her because he could not forgive himself.

She thought that she heard him give a faint sigh and she shot a rapid glance at him. A sudden thought struck her and it took her breath away. She only just refrained from giving a cry.

Was it what they called--a broken heart--that he suffered from?

第四十七章

晚飯后，沃爾特跟往常一樣坐在燈下看書，他每天晚上都要讀會兒書直到凱蒂上床睡覺才把書放下。然后他會走進實驗室，這個實驗室是他在平房的一間空屋子里自己搭建起來的。在那兒，他要工作到深夜。他的睡眠很少，整天忙于實驗，她根本不知道這些實驗是干什么的，他也從來不跟她談他的工作，甚至在以前的日子里，他對自己的工作也閉口不談，在本性上，他也不是個張揚的人。她認真地思索了他剛才跟她說的那些話，從兩個人的對話中，她還是理不出頭緒，她對他了解得太少，無法確定他的話是否真的是內(nèi)心的想法。該不會是這樣的情況吧，他現(xiàn)在對她來說是無處不在，而相反，對他來說，她在他眼中已經(jīng)完全不存在了呢？她過去跟他聊天，能讓他興致勃勃地聽著，是因為他愛她，而如今他已經(jīng)不再愛她，她的話可能只會讓他覺得煩擾。這讓她覺得很屈辱。

她看著他，燈光映照著他的側(cè)影，好像一座浮雕，端正的五官輪廓非常清晰，但臉上的表情不僅僅是嚴肅，甚至可以說是嚴厲。他紋絲不動，只有在細讀每一頁時，眼睛才會在動。他甚至讓人覺得可怕，可誰又能想到就是這張冰冷的面孔會被感情所融化，露出充滿柔情的神色呢？她知道這一點，心里由于厭惡哆嗦了一下。真是奇怪，他長相英俊，而且誠實可靠和睿智，可過去她就是不愛他，每當想到自己永遠不用再忍受他的愛撫了，反而讓她如釋重負。

她詢問沃爾特強迫她來這危險之地，是不是真的想借刀殺人，他并沒回答。這反倒增加了事情的神秘感，她既迫切地想解開謎團，又對真相十分恐懼。他確實與眾不同，但如果真有這樣邪惡的想法，也太不可思議了。他一定是想用這種方式嚇唬她，并向查理進行報復(fù)（這正符合他諷刺性幽默的性格），后來出于固執(zhí)，或者害怕被人當作傻瓜恥笑，才不肯松口，堅持讓她承受這一切。

是的，他說鄙視自己，這么說是什么意思呢？凱蒂又一次看了看他安靜而嚴肅的臉龐，可好像她根本不在屋子里一樣，他沒有理會她。

“你為什么會鄙視你自己？”她問道，幾乎是脫口而出，好像正在繼續(xù)早些時候的對話，中間沒有任何的停頓一樣。

他放下書，若有所思地觀察著她。然后，他似乎從遙遠的地方神游回來，定了定神，說道：

“因為我愛你?！?/p>

她的臉紅了，把臉扭過了一邊，因為她無法忍受他冷淡、平穩(wěn)和審視的目光，她終于明白他的意思了。過了一會兒，她才回答。

“我覺得你這樣對我太不公正了?！彼f，“因為我的愚蠢、草率和粗俗而責怪我，這不公正。我從小就是在這樣的環(huán)境中被培養(yǎng)長大的，我所認識的女孩子也都是這樣……就像責怪某個沒有音樂細胞的人，就僅僅因為她對一場交響音樂會感到枯燥乏味。你以為我會有某些品質(zhì)，而實際上我沒有，你就責怪我，這公平嗎？我從來沒有企圖欺騙你，假裝自己十全十美，而實際上我根本不是你期望的那樣。我只是人長得還不算差，有些虛榮，追求快樂。你當然不會去市場上小商小販那里買珍珠項鏈和黑貂皮大衣，要買錫制的喇叭和玩具氣球時你才會去那兒。”

“我沒有責怪你?！?/p>

他的聲音顯得有些疲倦，她開始覺得他可能有點兒不耐煩了。突然之間，以前的困惑現(xiàn)在變得明確起來。為什么他不能認識到他們之間的事是多么的微不足道，因為他們每天都籠罩在死亡的恐怖陰影之下，而另一方面，大自然是那么壯麗，人性是那么壯美，都那么令人敬畏，兩者她都曾見識過。一個蠢女人紅杏出墻真的就那么罪不可赦嗎？為什么她的丈夫面對著莊嚴崇高的自然與人性之美，還是那么的在乎？沃爾特是那么的睿智，可就在這一點上那么想不明白，真是咄咄怪事?？赡苁撬呀?jīng)把一個洋娃娃套上了華麗的衣裝，將其放置在圣殿中加以膜拜，隨即卻發(fā)現(xiàn)這個洋娃娃的肚子里裝滿了稻草，于是他既不能原諒這個洋娃娃，也不能原諒他自己。他的靈魂被撕裂了，恰恰人為制造出來的信仰是他的精神支柱，當真相水落石出后，他的夢想也就破滅了?，F(xiàn)在她看明白了，他不能原諒她的原因在于他無法原諒自己。

她覺得聽到了他輕輕地嘆了一口氣，便迅速地瞥了他一眼。一個念頭突然出現(xiàn)在腦海里，讓她倒吸了一口涼氣，差一點兒叫出聲來。

他現(xiàn)在所遭受的，難道就是人們所說的——心如死灰？