How my heart beats when by accident I touch her finger, or my feet meet hers under the table! I draw back as if from a furnace; but a secret force impels me forward again, and my senses become disordered. Her innocent, unconscious heart never knows what agony these little familiarities inflict upon me. Sometimes when we are talking she Iays her hand upon mine, and in the eagerness of conversation comes closer to me, and her balmy breath reaches my lips,—when I feel as if lightning had struck me, and that I could sink into the earth. And yet, Wilhelm, with all this heavenly confidence,—if I know myself, and should ever dare—you understand me. No, no! my heart is not so corrupt, it is weak, weak enough but is not that a degree of corruption?
She is to me a sacred being. All passion is still in her presence: I cannot express my sensations when I am near her. I feel as if my soul beat in every nerve of my body. There is a melody which she plays on the piano with angelic skill,—so simple is it, and yet so spiritual! It is her favourite air; and, when she plays the first note, all pain, care, and sorrow disappear from me in a moment.
I believe every word that is said of the magic of ancient music. How her simple song enchants me! Sometimes, when I am ready to commit suicide, she sings that air; and instantly the gloom and madness which hung over me are dispersed, and I breathe freely again.
每當(dāng)我的指尖兒無意間觸著她的手指,每當(dāng)我倆的腳在桌子底下相互碰著,呵,我的血液立刻加快了流動(dòng)!我避之唯恐不及,就像碰著了火似的??墒?,一種神秘的力量又在吸引我過去……我真是心醉神迷了!
可她卻那么天真無邪,心懷坦蕩,全感覺不到這些親密的小動(dòng)作帶給了我多少的痛苦!尤其當(dāng)她在談心時(shí)把自己的手撫在我的手上,談高興了更把頭靠近我,使我的嘴唇感覺到了從她口里送來的天香,此刻,我真像是讓閃電給擊中了,身子直往下沉,腳下也輕飄飄地完全失去了依托……威廉啊,要是我啥時(shí)候能冒險(xiǎn)登一登天堂,大膽地去……你理解我指什么。不,我的心還沒有這么壞!它只是軟弱,很軟弱罷了!而軟弱還并非壞吧?
她是圣潔的。一切欲念在她面前都會(huì)沉默無言。每當(dāng)我和她在一起的時(shí)候,我都不知道自己的心境如何,仿佛所有的神經(jīng)和官能都錯(cuò)亂顛倒了?!矚g一支曲子,常常在鋼琴上彈奏它,彈得如天使一般動(dòng)人,單純,富于情感!這是她心愛的曲子,每次只要她彈出第一個(gè)音符,我的一切痛苦、煩惱和古怪念頭便煙消云散。
這支單純的曲子令我大為感動(dòng),任何關(guān)于音樂的古老魅力的說法,在我聽來都不再不可信了。而且,每每在我恨不得用子彈射穿自己腦袋的時(shí)候,她都彈起這支曲子來,我心中的迷茫黑暗頓時(shí)消散,呼吸重新又自如了。
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