Certainly Albert is the best fellow in the world. I had a strange scene with him yesterday. I went to take leave of him; for I took it into my head to spend a few days in these mountains, from where I now write to you. As I was walking up and down his room, my eye fell upon his pistols. “Lend me those pistols,” said I, “for my journey.” “By all means,” he replied, “if you will take the trouble to load them; for they only hang there for form.” I took down one of them; and he continued, “Ever since I was near suffering for my extreme caution, I will have nothing to do with such things.” I was curious to hear the story. “I was staying,” said he, “some three months ago, at a friend’s house in the country. I had a brace of pistols with me, unloaded; and I slept without any anxiety. One rainy afternoon I was sitting by myself, doing nothing, when it occurred to me I do not know how that the house might be attacked, that we might require the pistols, that we might in short, you know how we go on fancying, when we have nothing better to do. I gave the pistols to the servant, to clean and load. He was playing with the maid, and trying to frighten her, when the pistol went off—God knows how!—the ramrod was in the barrel; and it went straight through her right hand, and shattered the thumb. I had to endure all the lamentation, and to pay the surgeon’s bill; so, since that time, I have kept all my weapons unloaded. But, my dear friend, what is the use of prudence? We can never be on our guard against all possible dangers. However,”—now, you must know I can tolerate all men till they come to “however; ”—for it is self-evident that every universal rule must have its exceptions. But he is so exceedingly accurate, that, if he only fancies he has said a word too precipitate, or too general, or only half true, he never ceases to qualify, to modify, and extenuate, till at last he appears to have said nothing at all. Upon this occasion, Albert was deeply immersed in his subject: I ceased to listen to him, and became lost in reverie. With a sudden motion, I pointed the mouth of the pistol to my forehead, over the right eye. “What do vou mean?” cried Albert, turning back the pistol. “It is not loaded,” said I. “And even if not,” he answered with impatience, “what can you mean? I cannot cornprehend how a man can be so mad as to shoot himself, and the bare idea of it shocks me.”
“But why should any one,” said I, “in speaking of an action, venture to pronounce it mad or wise, or good or bad? What is the meaning of all this? Have you carefully studied the secret motives of our actions? Do you understand—can you explain the causes which occasion them, and make them inevitable? If you can, you will be less hasty with your decision.”
“But you will allow,” said Albert; “that some actions are criminal, let them spring from whatever motives they may.” I granted it, and shrugged my shoulders.
“But still, my good friend,” I continued, “there are some exceptions here too. Theft is a crime; but the man who commits it from extreme poverty, with no design but to save his family from perishing, is he an object of pity, or of punishment? Who shall throw the first stone at a husband, who, in the heat of just resentment, sacrifices his faithless wife and her perfidious seducer? or at the young maiden, who, in her weak hour of rapture, forgets herself in the impetuous joys of love? Even our laws, cold and cruel as they are, relent in such cases, and withhold their punishment.”
“That is quite another thing,” said Albert; “because a man under the influence of violent passion loses alI power of reflection, and is regarded as intoxicated or insane.”
“Oh! you people of sound understandings,” I replied, smiling, “are ever ready to exclaim ‘Extravagance, and madness, and intoxication!’ You moral men are so calm and so subdued! You abhor the drunken man, and detest the extravagant; you pass by, like the Levite, and thank God, like the Pharisee, that you are not like one of them. I have been more than once intoxicated, my passions have always bordered on extravagance: I am not ashamed to confess it; for I have learned, by my own experience, that all extraordinary men, who have accomplished great and astonishing actions, have ever been decried by the world as drunken or insane. And in private life, too, is it not intolerable that no one can undertake the execution of a noble or generous deed, without giving rise to the exclamation that the doer is intoxicated or mad? Shame upon you, ye sages!”
“This is another of your extravagant humours,” said Albert: “you always exaggerate a case, and in this matter you are undoubtedly wrong; for we were speaking of suicide, which you compare with great actions, when it is impossible to regard it as anything but a weakness. It is much easier to die than to bear a life of misery with fortitude.”
I was on the point of breaking off the conversation, for nothing puts me so completely out of patience as the utterance of a wretched commonplace when I am talking from my inmost heart. However, I composed myself, for I had often heard the same observation with sufficient vexation; and I answered him, therefore, with a little warmth, “You call this a weakness—beware of being led astray by appearances. When a nation, which has long groaned under the intolerable yoke of a tyrant, rises at last and throws off its chains, do you call that weakness? The man who, to rescue his house from the flames, finds his physical strength redoubled, so that he lifts burdens with ease, which, in the absence of excitement, he could scarcely move; he who, under the rage of an insult, attacks and puts to flight half a score of his enemies, are such persons to be called weak? My good friend, if resistance be strength, how can the highest degree of resistance be a weakness?”
Albert looked steadfastly at me, and said, “Pray forgive me, but I do not see that the examples you have adduced bear any relation to the question.” “Very likely,” I answered; “for I have often been told that my style of illustration borders a little on the absurd. But let us see if we cannot place the matter in another point of view, by inquiring what can be a man’s state of mind who resolves to free himself from the burden of life,—a burden often so pleasant to bear,—for we cannot otherwise reason fairly upon the subject.
“Human nature,” I continued, “has its limits. It is able to endure a certain degree of joy, sorrow, and pain, but becomes annihilated as soon as this measure is exceeded. The question, therefore, is, not whether a man is strong or weak, but whether he is able to endure the measure of his sufferings. The suffering may be moral or physical; and in my opinion it is just as absurd to call a man a coward who destroys himself, as to call a man a coward who dies of a malignant fever.”
“Paradox, all paradox!” exclaimed Albert. “Not so paradoxical as you imagine,” I replied. “You allow that we designate a disease as mortal when nature is so severely attacked, and her strength so far exhausted, that she cannot possibly recover her former condition under any change that may take place.
“Now, my good friend, apply this to the mind; observe a man in his natural, isolated condition; consider how ideas work, and how impressions fasten on him, till at length a violent passion seizes him, destroying all his powers of calm reflection, and utterly ruining him.
“It is in vain that a man of sound mind and cool temper understands the condition of such a wretched being, in vain he counsels him. He can no more communicate his own wisdom to him than a healthy man can instil his strength into the invalid, by whose bedside he is seated.”
Albert thought this too general. I reminded him of a girl who had drowned herself a short time previously, and I related her history.
She was a good creature, who had grown up in the narrow sphere of household industry and weekly appointed labour; one who knew no pleasure beyond indulging in a walk on Sundays, arrayed in her best attire, accompanied by her friends, or perhaps joining in the dance now and then at some festival, and chatting away her spare hours with a neighbour, discussing the scandal or the quarrels of the village, trifles sufficient to occupy her heart. At length the warmth of her nature is influenced by certain new and unknown wishes. Inflamed by the flatteries of men, her former pleasures become by degrees insipid, till at length she meets with a youth to whom she is attracted by an indescribable feeling; upon him she now rests all her hopes; she forgets the world around her; she sees, hears, desires nothing but him, and him only. He alone occupies all her thoughts. Uncorrupted by the idle indulgence of an enervating vanity, her affection moving steadily toward its object, she hopes to become his, and to realise, in an everlasting union with him, all that happiness which she sought, all that bliss for which she longed. His repeated promises confirm her hopes: embraces and endearments, which increase the ardour of her desires, overmaster her soul. She floats in a dim, delusive anticipation of her happiness; and her feelings become excited to their utmost tension. She stretches out her arms finally to embrace the object of all her wishes and her lover forsakes her. Stunned and bewildered, she stands upon a precipice. All is darkness around her. No prospect, no hope, no consolation—forsaken by him in whom her existence was centred! She sees nothing of the wide world before her, thinks nothing of the many individuals who might supply the void in her heart; she feels herself deserted, forsaken by the world; and, blinded and impelled by the agony which wrings her soul, she plunges into the deep, to end her sufferings in the broad embrace of death. See here, Albert, the history of thousands; and tell me, is not this a case of physical infirmity? Nature has no way to escape from the labyrinth: her powers are exhausted: she can contend no longer, and the poor soul must die.
“Shame upon him who can look on calmly, and exclaim, ‘The foolish girl! she should have waited; she should have allowed time to wear off the impression; her despair would have been softened, and she would have found another lover to comfort her.’ One might as well say, ‘The fool, to die of a fever! why did he not wait till his strength was restored, till his blood became calm? all would then have gone well, and he would have been alive now.’”
Albert, who could not see the justice of the comparison, offered some further objections, and, amongst others, urged that I had taken the case of a mere ignorant girl. But how any man of sense, of more enlarged views and experience, could be excused, he was unable to comprehend. “My friend!” I exclaimed, “man is but man; and, whatever be the extent of his reasoning powers, they are of little avail when passion rages within, and he feels himself confined by the narrow limits of nature. It were better, then—but we will talk of this some other time,” I said, and caught up my hat. Alas! my heart was full; and we parted without conviction on either side. How rarely in this world do men understand each other!
的確,阿爾伯特是天底下最好的人。昨天,在我和他之間發(fā)生過一樁不尋常的事。我去向他告別,因為我突然心血來潮,想騎馬到山里去;而眼下我便是從山里給你寫信的。我在他房中來回踱著,目光偶然落在了他的手槍上。
“把手槍借給我旅途中用用吧?!蔽艺f。
“好的,”他回答,“要是你不怕麻煩,肯自己裝裝彈藥的話。它們掛在那兒只是pro…forma罷了?!?/p>
我從墻上摘下一支槍,他這時繼續(xù)說道:
“我自從粗心大意,出過一回岔子,就不愿再和這玩意兒打交道了。”
我頗好奇,急于想知道是怎么回事,他就又講:
“大約三個月以前,我住在鄉(xiāng)下一位朋友家里,房中有幾支小手槍,盡管沒裝彈藥,晚上我也睡得安安穩(wěn)穩(wěn)的。在一個下雨的午后,我坐著沒事干,不知怎么竟想到我們可能遭到壞人襲擊,可能需要用手槍,可能……這樣的事你是知道的。我于是把槍交給一名下人,叫他去擦拭和裝藥。這小子卻拿去和使女們鬧著玩兒,嚇唬她們,卻不知扳機怎么一弄就滑了,而通條又還在槍膛里,結(jié)果一下子飛出來,射中了一名使女的右手,把她的大拇指戳得稀爛。這一來我不僅挨抱怨,而且還得付醫(yī)藥費,從此我所有的槍都不再裝藥了。好朋友,小心謹慎又有什么用?危險并非全都可以預料?。‰m然……”
你知道,我喜歡這個人,除去他的“雖然”。不錯,任何常理都容許有例外。可是他卻太四平八穩(wěn)!一當覺得自己言辭過激、有失中庸或不夠精確,他就會一個勁兒地對你進行修正、限定、補充和刪除,弄得到頭來什么意思也不剩。眼下阿爾伯特正是越講話越長,臨了我根本沒有再聽他講些什么,而是產(chǎn)生了一些怪念頭,動作夸張地舉起手槍來,用槍口對準自己右眼上方的太陽穴。
“呸!”阿爾伯特叫起來,奪去了我手中的槍,“你這是干嗎呀?”
“沒裝藥哩?!蔽一卮?。
“就算沒裝藥也不該胡鬧!”他不耐煩地說,“我真不能想象,一個人怎么會愚蠢到去自殺;單單這樣想都令我反感。”
“你們這些人呵!”我提高嗓門道,“你們一談什么都非得立刻講:這是愚蠢的!這是明智的!這是好的!這是壞的!——這一切又意味著什么呢?為此你們弄清了一個行為的內(nèi)情嗎?探究過它何以發(fā)生,以及為什么必然發(fā)生的種種原因嗎?你們要這樣做過,就不會匆匆忙忙地下斷語了。”
“可你得承認,”阿爾伯特說,“某些行為無論如何都是罪過,不管它出于什么動機?!?/p>
我聳了聳肩,承認他有道理。
“可是,親愛的,”我又說,“這兒也有一些例外。不錯,偷盜是一種罪行;然而,一個人為使自己和自己的親人不致眼睜睜餓死而偷盜,這個人是值得同情呢,還是該受懲罰呢?一位丈夫出于義憤,殺死了不貞的妻子和卑鄙的奸夫,誰還會第一個撿起石頭來砸他嗎?還有那個在幽會的歡樂中一時控制不住自己而失身的姑娘,誰又會譴責她呢?我們的法學家們都是些冷血的老古板;可就連他們也會被感動,因而不給予懲罰的?!?/p>
“這完全是另一碼事,”阿爾伯特反駁說,“因為一個受熱情驅(qū)使而失去思考力的人,人家只當他是醉漢,是瘋子罷了。”
“嗨,你們這些明智的人啊!”我微笑著叫道,“熱情!迷醉!瘋狂!你們?nèi)绱死溲叟杂^,無動于衷,你們真是些好樣的道學先生!你們嘲罵酒徒,厭惡瘋子,像那個祭師一般從他們身邊走過,像那個法利賽人似的感謝上帝,感謝他不曾把你們造成一名酒徒,一個瘋子。可我呢,卻不止一次迷醉過,我的熱情從來都是離瘋狂不遠的;但這兩點都不使我后悔,因為我憑自己的經(jīng)驗認識到:一切杰出的人,一切能完成偉大的、看似不可能的事業(yè)的人,他們從來總是給世人罵成酒鬼和瘋子的。
“甚至在日常生活中也一樣,只要誰的言行自由一些,清高一些,超乎一般人的想象,你就會聽見人家在他背后叫:‘這家伙喝多了!這家伙是個傻瓜!’——真叫人受不了。真可恥,你們這些清醒的人!真可恥,你們這些智者!”
“瞧你又胡思亂想了,”阿爾伯特說,“你這人總是愛偏激,這回竟把我們談的自殺扯到偉大事業(yè)上去,至少肯定是錯了;因為自殺怎么也只能被看作軟弱。與堅定地忍受充滿痛苦的人生相比,死顯然輕松得多?!?/p>
我已經(jīng)打算中止談話;要知道我講的都是肺腑之言,他卻用陳詞濫調(diào)來進行反駁,真令我再生氣不過。可是,這種話我聽得多,氣生得更多。所以仍能控制自己,興致勃勃地反問他道:
“你稱自殺為軟弱?可我請你別讓表面現(xiàn)象迷惑了啊。一個在暴君殘酷壓迫下呻吟的民族,他們終于奮起掙斷枷鎖,能說是軟弱么?一個人面臨自己的家被大火吞沒的危險,鼓起勁來扛走他在冷靜時根本搬不動的重物;一個人在受辱后的狂怒中,竟和六個人交起手來并且戰(zhàn)勝了對方,這樣的人能稱為軟弱么?還有,好朋友,既然奮發(fā)可以成為剛強,干嗎亢奮就是它的反面呢?”
阿爾伯特凝視著我,說:
“你別見怪,你舉的這些個例子,在我看來根本文不對題?!?/p>
“可能是吧,”我說,“人家也曾常常責備我,說我的聯(lián)想和推理方式近乎古怪。好,那就讓我們看能不能以另一種方式,想象一個決定拋棄人生的擔子的人——這個擔子在通常情況下應該是愉快的——他的心情會怎樣。要知道只有我們有了同樣的感受,我們才具備資格談一件事情。
“人生來都有其局限,”我繼續(xù)說,“他們能經(jīng)受樂、苦、痛到一定的限度;一過這個限度,他們就完啦。這兒的問題不是剛強或者軟弱;而是他們能否忍受痛苦超過一定的限度。盡管可能有精神上的痛苦和肉體上的痛苦之別,但是,正如我們不應該稱一個患寒熱病死去的人為膽小鬼一樣,也很難稱自殺者是懦夫?!?/p>
“荒唐,十分荒唐!”阿爾伯特嚷起來。
“才不像你想的那么荒唐呢,”我回答說,“你也該承認,當一種疾病嚴重損害我們的健康,使我們的精力一部分消耗掉了,一部分失去了作用,沒有任何奇跡能再使我們恢復健康,重新進入日常生活的軌道,這樣的疾病便被我們稱為‘死癥’。
“喏,親愛的,讓我們把這種推理用到精神方面,來瞧一瞧人的局限吧。一個人受到各種外界影響,便會產(chǎn)生固定的想法,到最后有增無減的狂熱奪去了他冷靜的思考力,以至于毀了他。
“一位清醒的明智的人可能對這個不幸者的處境一目了然,可能去勸他,但是白費力氣。這正如一個站在病榻前的健康人,他絲毫不能把自己的生命力輸送進病人的體內(nèi)一樣?!?/p>
阿爾伯特覺得這種說法仍太空泛。我便讓他想想前不久從水塘中撈起來那個淹死了的少女,又對他講了一遍她的故事。
“一個可愛的姑娘,生長在家庭的狹小圈子里,一禮拜接一禮拜地做著同樣的家務,唯一的樂趣就是禮拜天用漸漸湊齊的一套好衣服穿戴打扮起來,和女伴一塊兒出城去溜達溜達,逢年過節(jié)也許還跳跳舞,要不就再和某個鄰居聊聊閑天,諸如誰跟誰為什么吵架啦,誰為什么又講誰的壞話啦,如此等等,常常談得專注而熱烈,一談就是幾個鐘頭??墒呛髞?,她火熱的天性終于感到了一些更深刻的需要,而一經(jīng)男子們來獻殷勤,這些需要便更加熱烈。從前的樂事已漸漸使她興味索然;臨了,她到底碰著一個人,某種從未經(jīng)歷過的感情不可抗拒地把她吸引到了此人身邊,使她將自己的全部希望都寄托在他身上,以致忘記自己周圍的一切,除了他,除了這唯一一個人,她什么也聽不見,什么也看不見,什么也感覺不到,她所思所想的就只有他,只有這唯一一個人。她不為朝三暮四地賣弄風情的虛假歡樂所迷惑,一心一意追求著自己的目標,執(zhí)意要成為他的,在與他永結(jié)同心之中求得自己所缺少的幸福,享受自己所向往的全部歡樂。反復的許諾使她深信所有希望一定會實現(xiàn),大膽的愛撫和親吻增加了本已充滿她心中的欲望。她模模糊糊地意識到了全部的歡樂,預感到了全部的歡樂,身子于是飄飄然起來,心情緊張到了極點。終于,她伸出雙臂去準備擁抱自己所渴望的一切。——可她的愛人卻拋棄了她!她四肢麻木,神志迷亂,站立在深淵邊上;她周圍是一片漆黑,沒有了希望,沒有了安慰,沒有了預感!要知道,他拋棄了她,那個唯一使她感覺到自己的存在意義的人拋棄了她。她看不見眼前的廣大世界,看不見那許許多多可以彌補她這個損失的人;她感到自己在世上孤孤單單,無依無靠。被內(nèi)心的可怕痛苦逼得走投無路了,她唯有閉起眼來往下一跳,以便在死神的懷抱里窒息掉所有的痛苦?!闱?,阿爾伯特,這就是不少人的遭遇!難道能說,這不也是一種疾病么?在這混亂的、相互矛盾的力的迷津中,大自然也找不到出路,人就唯有一死。
“罪過啊,那種冷眼旁觀,并且稱她為傻瓜的人!這種人可能講什么:她應該等一等,讓時間來治好她的創(chuàng)傷,日子一久絕望定會消失,定會有另一個男人來給她以安慰。——可是,這不正像誰說:‘傻瓜,竟死于寒熱??!他應該等一等,一當力量恢復,液體改善,血液循環(huán)平穩(wěn)下來,一切都好了,他就能活到今天!’”
阿爾伯特還是不覺得這個例子有說服力,又提出幾點異議,其中一點是:我講的只是個單純的女孩子;可要是一個人眼光不這么狹隘,見多識廣,頭腦清楚,那他就不理解這個人怎么還能原諒。
“我的朋友,”我嚷起來,“人畢竟是人呵!一當他激情澎湃,受到了人類的局限的壓迫,他所可能有的一點點理智便很難起作用,或者說根本不起作用。況且……以后再談吧?!蔽艺f著,一邊就抓起了自己的帽子。唉,我當時的心里真是充滿了感慨!我和阿爾伯特分了手,但誰也沒能理解誰。在這個世界上,人跟人真難于相互理解啊。