我該如何抵御出軌的沖動？

親愛的糖糖，

My boyfriend of two years is brilliant, supportive, generous and not the least bit jealous. We’re sublimely compatible, the envy of our friends. The sex is amazing, too. Someday, when he’s ready, I intend to marry him. My problem is that I have to fight the urge to cheat on him all the time. My libido is incredibly strong, but what I crave is the seduction: sensing each other across the room, the eye contact, the playfulness, that first electric touch on the knee or shoulder that lasts a second too long.

男朋友和我交往了兩年，他聰明、支持我、慷慨、毫無嫉妒心。我們非常般配，朋友都羨慕我們。我們的性愛也很不錯。我打算等他準(zhǔn)備好了就和他結(jié)婚。問題是，我必須一直克服出軌的沖動。我的性欲非常強烈，但我更渴望的是誘惑：感覺到對方在房間另一頭、眼神接觸、開玩笑、第一次觸摸膝蓋或肩膀超過一秒時那種通電般的感覺。

It wouldn’t be so difficult to resist if I weren’t eternally confronted with an abundance of willing partners, all of them sexy, trustworthy (in terms of not telling anyone, anyway), and most of them married. I find it immensely difficult to reconcile myself with the reality of never experiencing that seductive dance again.

我總會遇到大量愿意配合的對象，所以沖動就更加難以抵御，他們都很性感、值得信賴(至少不會把這事告訴任何人)，而且他們當(dāng)中大多數(shù)人都已經(jīng)結(jié)婚了。我發(fā)現(xiàn)，如果再也不能體驗?zāi)欠N誘惑的舞步，我會覺得很難忍受。

To my astonishment, I’ve so far resisted these impulses. Can I rely on my moral compass forever, or am I one Cosmo away from disaster? Should I bring up the shocking and destabilizing possibility of an open relationship in the context of my monogamous relationship, or do I simply police myself in silence? Do I seek therapy or catharsis? Is this even normal?

令我驚訝的是，到目前為止，我一直抵制著這些沖動。我可以永遠(yuǎn)信賴自己的道德指南針嗎，還是災(zāi)難與我隔著一個宇宙?在一夫一妻的前提下，我是否應(yīng)該提出關(guān)于開放式關(guān)系的建議，引入那種令人震驚和破壞穩(wěn)定的可能性，還是應(yīng)當(dāng)警惕地保持沉默?我是否應(yīng)當(dāng)尋求心理治療或宣泄?這是否正常?

Wanton Woman

放蕩女人

Cheryl Strayed: I think you’re “one Cosmo away from disaster,” if by disaster you mean acting upon your desires. As I wrote in my book “Tiny Beautiful Things”: “You can’t fake the core. The truth that lives there will eventually win out.” And you, Wanton Woman — right now, in this relationship — are faking it. So let the truth win out. You love your boyfriend, but you loathe the constraints that your relationship with him places upon you. You see a future with him, but you want a lot of other men in your present. Tell your boyfriend these truths and see where it leads you. It could be an open relationship, it could be a breakup, or it could be that the two of you talk about what you truly long for in your erotic lives and you find a way to get it while remaining monogamous. The value of such a conversation isn’t only that it’s a good idea to be honest with your partner, but also because it’s miserable to pretend to be or want something that you aren’t or don’t. The sort of agony you’re experiencing right now seldom disappears on its own. In most cases, there are only two ways out of it. You either bring about disaster by some manner of reckless behavior, or you tell the truth. You’ll be so much better off in the long run if you find the courage to do the latter.

謝麗爾·史翠德(Cheryl Strayed)：我認(rèn)為“災(zāi)難與你隔著一個宇宙”，如果你所謂的災(zāi)難意味著按照自己的欲望行事。正如我在《小而美的事情》(Tiny Beautiful Things)一書中所寫的那樣：“你不能偽造問題的核心。存在于那里的真相最終會取得勝利。”而你，放蕩女人——在現(xiàn)在的這段關(guān)系中——正在偽造這個核心。所以讓真相取得勝利吧。你愛你的男友，但你不喜歡你與他的關(guān)系給你帶來的限制。你看到了和他在一起的未來，但你現(xiàn)在還想要很多其他男人。把這些真相告訴你的男友，看看這會帶給你什么結(jié)果?？赡苁情_放性的關(guān)系，可能是分手，也可能是你們倆開始討論你們在性生活中真正渴望的東西，并且找到一種在維持一夫一妻的情況下獲得它的辦法。這種對話的價值不僅在于對伴侶誠實是好事，而且還因為，假裝成你所不是的人，或者假裝想要你不想要的東西，這是非常悲慘的。你現(xiàn)在所經(jīng)歷的這種痛苦很少會自行消失。在大多數(shù)情況下，只有兩種方法。要么采取某種魯莽的行為，最終導(dǎo)致災(zāi)難;要么實話實說。如果你有勇氣做后者，那么從長遠(yuǎn)來看會好得多。

Steve Almond: I want to say a quick word about your signoff. In short: I think the adjective “wanton” is a patriarchal trap, one that has long been used to stigmatize (if not criminalize) feminine sexuality. Don’t fall for it. Your sexuality belongs to you and nobody else. Your job is to own it. That means, as Cheryl suggests, being honest about your desires. Policing yourself into silence is almost never a good idea. Our urges don’t go away because we ignore them, after all. They become spring-loaded with the force of our suppression. You need to speak with your wonderful boyfriend, the one you tell us is not the least bit jealous. But before you do that, I’d urge you to identify precisely what your desires are. Do you want to engage in sexual acts with other men? Or do you want to partake in the initial stages of the seduction? There are plenty of people in your situation — people who love their partners but also feel compelled to seek out erotic energy from other sources. There’s nothing more normal, frankly. The challenge for you is to be upfront about your urges. Deceit will curdle a happy relationship much quicker than a high-octane libido.

史蒂夫·阿爾蒙德(Steve Almond)：我想簡單談?wù)勀愕氖鹈?。簡而言之：我認(rèn)為“放蕩”這個詞是一種父權(quán)制陷阱，長期以來，人們用這個詞將女性的性能力污名化(如果不是為其定罪)。不要落入這個圈套。你的性能力屬于你，而不是其他任何人。你要做的就是擁有它。這意味著，正如謝麗爾所說的，誠實地對待你的欲望。警惕地保持沉默基本上不是一個好主意。畢竟，沖動不會因為我們忽視它們就消失。在壓迫的力量之下，它會變得好像彈簧一樣。你需要和你那了不起的男朋友交流，你告訴我們，那個男人根本沒有嫉妒心。但在你這樣做之前，我會懇請你準(zhǔn)確地界定自己的欲望。你想和其他男人發(fā)生性行為嗎?或者你只想享受誘惑的初期階段?很多人都和你處在同樣的情況——他們愛自己的伴侶，但也被迫從其他來源尋求性能量。坦率地說，這再正常不過了。你面臨的挑戰(zhàn)是對自己的沖動坦誠。要終結(jié)一段幸福的關(guān)系，欺騙會比強烈的性欲來得更快。

CS: You already understand that it’s the “seductive dance” you crave rather than sex. Like Steve, I encourage you to examine that more deeply. What is that dance, after all, but a tremendous affirmation that one is attractive, longed for, temporarily powerful and possibly loved? Perhaps the sexual attention you receive from men serves as a proxy for your self-esteem. That was certainly true for me when I was in my 20s. Back then, I had what you have now: a man I loved and a profound desire for a multitude of other men to assure me that I was special by locking eyes with me across a room. I believed myself to be the label you’ve given yourself, Wanton Woman, but I now understand that I was wrong. I wasn’t wanton. I was famished. I had a hole to fill, and it wasn’t in my pants. In order to figure that out, I had to let go of the man I loved and eventually the throng of seductive men as well. Maybe that’s true for you, too. Your conundrum about the men in your life might only be answered once you more fully solve the riddle of yourself.

謝麗爾·史翠德：你已經(jīng)明白，你更渴望的是“誘惑的舞步”，而不是性。和史蒂夫一樣，我鼓勵你更深入地研究一下。那個舞步究竟是什么?只是一種感覺自己有魅力、被人渴望、擁有暫時的力量和被愛的可能性的極大肯定嗎?也許你把從男人那里得到的性關(guān)注作為一種自尊的象征。當(dāng)我20多歲的時候，這種感覺當(dāng)然是真的。那時候，我也和現(xiàn)在的你一樣：我有一個愛人，但也強烈地渴望許多男人都能在房間里一眼看到我，讓我感到自己很特別。我也相信自己是那個你給自己貼的標(biāo)簽——一個放蕩女人，但現(xiàn)在我明白我錯了。我并不放蕩。我只是很饑渴。我有一個洞需要去填補，而它并不在我的褲子里。為了弄明白這一點，我不得不放棄我心愛的男人，最終也放棄了那些充滿誘惑的男人。也許這對你來說也是如此。只有當(dāng)你能夠更充分地解答關(guān)于自己的謎語時，你才能回答關(guān)于你生活中那些男人的難題。

SA: One thing we know from our infidelity series is that long-term monogamy always invites a paradox. Intimacy relies on familiarity and repetition, while desire thrives on novelty and the unknown. That’s why you feel that special electricity when you flirt with someone new. As Cheryl notes, these desires may be trying to tell you that you’re not quite ready to settle down. But it’s also possible that you and your partner can find a way to integrate your desires into the life you share. This may involve changing the terms of the relationship, and/or finding ways to inject a sense of adventure and mystery into it. To this end, I recommend reading Ester Perel’s wonderful book, “Mating in Captivity,” which argues that traditional monogamy doesn’t have to be a death sentence to your erotic imagination, nor even a prison. Your boyfriend may be fine with you exploring your sexuality. But chances are, his feelings will be more complicated, and that you’ll be asked to make some decisions about what you’re willing to sacrifice. The only way to know is to confess the contents of your heart to him. You two have some decisions to make. I urge you to make them together, in a spirit of love and respect.

史蒂夫·阿爾蒙德：我們從出軌系列中了解到的一件事是，長期的一夫一妻關(guān)系總會引發(fā)悖論。親密關(guān)系依賴于熟悉和重復(fù)，而欲望則在新奇和未知中成長。所以當(dāng)你和新人調(diào)情時會感覺到特別的電流。正如謝麗爾指出的那樣，這些欲望可能是在告訴你，你還沒準(zhǔn)備好安定下來。但是，你和你的伴侶也有可能找到辦法，將你的欲望融入你們二人分享的生活之中。這可能涉及改變親密關(guān)系的條件，以及(或者)找到將冒險與神秘感注入其中的方法。為此，我建議閱讀伊斯特·佩雷爾(Ester Perel)的精彩書籍《囚禁中的求偶》(Mating in Captivity)，該書認(rèn)為，維持傳統(tǒng)的一夫一妻制不一定意味著扼殺甚至是限制你的情色想象。你的男友可能會覺得你探索你的性欲是沒問題的。但是也有可能，他的感覺會變得更加復(fù)雜，并且會要求你做出一些關(guān)于你愿意犧牲什么的決定。要想知道答案，唯一的辦法就是向他承認(rèn)你的心事。你們需要做出一些決定。我懇請你們帶著愛意與尊重一起完成。