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老友記第四季The One With Joey Dirty Day

所屬教程:老友記第四季

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好吧,這是什么? 咯咯叫的蟲子。 那這個呢? 呵呵傻笑的螢火蟲。 你太搞笑了。 嗨,這個是什么? 哦,去年剩下來的三明治。 哦,Geller有魚上鉤了,看起來不小呀! Yeah,哦!哦!這場爭斗,是典型的,人和...... 有人把臺燈撞到了。 無所謂了。 嗨,你們知道今年釣魚好在那兒么? 當老爸把我從湖中心救出來,問我: “Joey,你這輩子要怎么辦呀?”的時候,我可以說: “我正和Charlton Heston拍電影呢,你這輩子呢?” 說得好! 你們沒必要因為我來,就不繼續(xù)開心了, Kathy并沒有欺騙你們??! 好吧,除了你! 嗨,Joey,我覺得你不該讓Chandler一個人。 你想,他和Kathy分手才2天呀。 也許你可以下周去釣魚? 可是,現在我什么忙都幫不上。 他還是傷心欲絕,這才是第一階段呢。 等到第二階段的時候我就回來了, 我永遠也不會錯過第二階段的。 第二階段是什么? 喝的爛醉,然后去看脫衣舞。 看脫衣舞對他能有什么幫助? 那里有好多裸體mm呀。 Oh! 而且還可以幫他到達第三階段, 幻想自己和別的女人在一起。 當然是沒穿衣服的那種。 Yeah。 就讓我清靜一下,好么??? 那,這些和上周你給我選的夾克配嗎? Um-hmm,很好嘛,就是它了。 Oh! 你知道還缺什么嘛? 手套,棕色的毛手套。 Oh,好吧,讓我瞧瞧你的手,尺寸多大? 嗯,這只很大么,這個呢? 也很大? Yeah! 好吧,兩只大的馬上就來! 好的。 Rachel! 你現在有空么? 什么事? 你瞧,我侄女剛從倫敦過來。說來唐突,不過, 她正好和你一般大,我這里碰巧有歌劇《蝙蝠》的票, 不知道你今晚能不能陪她去看呢? 當然可以了,沒問題!算我一個! 《蝙蝠》,太好了! 不過我得 ...... Ohh! 好的。 謝謝你,謝謝你,太感謝你了! 好了么? 什么? 手套? Ohh! 對了,對了,我馬上回來。 Uhh,其實我得走了。 Oh。 不過,不知道你今晚有空么? 有,當然有了! 我投資了一家夜總會,它今晚開業(yè),你想去看看么? 當然了! 那太好了! 你S&M的狂熱分子吧? 其實,我...... 開玩笑的!我會早些到, 然后把你列到V。I。P名單上,記得找我! Yeah,好啊,那當然了! 那晚上見了。 我差點兒忘了給你票,是吧? 什么? 你和Emily,今晚《蝙蝠》的票。 Oh,是的。 你們肯定會喜歡的,“三高”之二都有出場。 哦,是么? 真不敢相信,Kathy會這么對我。 我把她當作是自己今生的唯一伴侶。 好吧,算了,從現在開始, 我再也不會離開這張椅子了! 從現在開始,這椅子就是我的唯一! 你們知道還有什么也是么?我的運動褲。 別這樣,老兄!把褲子脫下來好么? 快脫吧,我們來樂一樂! Hey-hey! Hi! Hey! 抓到大魚了么? 哦,天呀,你們肯定不信。 Oh! 天呀!你好臭呀!你這是怎么了? 整整三天,待在湖上沒洗過澡, 而且,還摔倒放誘餌的盆子里去了。 嗨,他怎么樣了? 他已經兩天沒離開過那張椅子了。 嗨,哥們,怎么了? 嗨,看見了么! 他在等兄弟我回來呢。 好了,我要去記我的臺詞了。 我和Charlton Heston 明兒一大清早! Yeah-yeah! Hey! Hey! Hey, Monica! Uh-oh, 怎么了? Ohh,Joshua 邀請我今晚去一家剛開業(yè)的高級夜總會。 可我答應了Waltham先生,帶他侄女去看什么破歌劇。唉,我能怎么辦呢? 我也不知道,親愛的。 不!幫幫我! 不行??!我要工作! Phoebe? 我倒是愿意,不過我晚上有妊娠反應。 除非!她想整晚都過不安生。 Ohh,天哪,你們......我必須去見Joshua, 這是讓他看到我令人開心一面的唯一機會。 也許,他會想:“要是Rachel是我老婆該多好呀!” Ohh,算了! Joey 和 Chandler還沒回來么? 沒有,Chandler還在他的第一階段, Joey身上的味道你總該聞見了吧? Ohh! Ohh! Hi! Hi! 那你呢...... 不行。 Ohhhh, 幫幫忙! 可能是她來了。 別!等等!等等!Ross, 求求你了! 你想讓我?guī)€素未謀面的女孩去看歌劇, 而你,卻可以去夜總會和別的男人調情,Hmm, 這確實有點兒難決斷。 Ohh, 她在四處張望。 Oh! 她正在看我! 等等,這洞從外面看不進來,是吧? Hello! Hello! 我馬上就出來! Ross, 求求你,幫幫忙吧! 我們之間的事,都過去了, 現在因該為了對方的幸福而感到高興才是。 難道只是我這樣想么? 好吧,我答應你。 謝謝!Emily? 我是! 我是Rachel Green。 謝天謝地。 原本的計劃有點兒小小的變化, 我今晚突然有事,所以...... 是么?那真是太巧了,不是么? 我肯定錯過你的電話了,盡管我一整天都沒離開過半步。 Oh 不,其實我。。。。。 不不不,你還算好啦! 我這一路上,差點兒被你們運灌腸的大車撞倒, 還在約翰 F??夏岬蠙C場被人脫衣服搜身, 對你們這里的人來說, 我就像是過街老鼠一樣,人人喊打。 我-我-我覺得你還好呀。 再見!真是高興,能認識你們。 我去追她。 那還不去? 她們說話的方式真好玩。 Ohh! 怎么了? 踢我了,孩子踢我了! 噢,上帝呀! Oh 不,等等,糟糕,我內褲的松緊斷了。 天哪,我睡過頭了! 半小時前就要到場的,我該走了! 等等,Joey, 你不能這樣就出去吧?臭死了! 沒辦法啊,我還沒洗澡就睡著了,現在也沒時間了。 布景地只有10個街區(qū)遠,我跑著去,或許還能趕上。 那是,跑10個街區(qū),你的臭味就沒了。 嘿!你,慢點。 算了,快跑! Wow! 昨晚和Joshua玩得怎樣呀? 唉,我根本就沒見到Joshua, 不過,我倒是給了個女的臉上一拳。 什么? 為什么? 昨晚糟糕透了,傾盆大雨,當我到的時候, 名單上沒有Rachel Green, 只有Rachel Greep。 Ohh! 那你見到她了么? 沒有,根本就沒有Rachel Greep, 可是有個女的聽到了,她大聲嚷嚷到: “我就是Rachel Greep! 我就是Rachel Greep!” 然后他們就讓她進去了。 然后你就朝她臉上打了一拳? 沒有,她已經進去了, 可是我后面那個肥娘們想偷我的傘,被我一拳揍在臉上。 Ohhh! 真不敢相信,我只是想在下班后見見Joshua。 他可以和我走得更近,然后開始喜歡上我。 噢, Pheebs。。 親愛的,那是你的名字。 那是Phoebe的簡稱么? 我一直以為我們用它來稱呼彼此。 嘿!你穿上外褲了? 是的,男人們都到哪里去了? 我已經做好喝醉的準備,去看脫衣舞。 可現在是早上9:30呀! 他們那里有自助早餐的。 你好,Oh,你好Ross! Ooh, 讓我和他講話! Oh-oh,天呀! 能不能讓我。。。。。 噓!等會兒,什么? 她噓我,這是我的電話,她還噓我! 噓!別說話!他說什么? 他和Emily在佛莫特州的一個旅館。 什么?哦,天哪! 什么?Emily是誰?不。。。。。 他們在佛莫特! 怎么會這樣? 嗷! 怎么會?他怎么會在佛莫特和那個妖精胡搞? 也許,她沒有一直打他。 我們初次見她的時候,她渾身濕透了, 腳也是濕的,誰能比她更可憐? 可當我給她換了雙鞋之后, 她完全變了個人。 Ross! 快來看!外面有支鹿在吃果園里的水果呢。 我要掛了,外面有支鹿在吃果園里的水果。 他掛了,說:“外面有支鹿在吃果園里的水果。” 真想不通! 她那么討厭! 好吧,我站到那邊去。 你這么在意干嘛? 我才不在意呢。我只是有點兒心煩, 因為我和Joshua還什么都不是。 不過,這也太過分了。 剛認識,就和別人飛到佛莫特去鬼混。 可是,你剛認識Barry的時候,還不是飛到Vail去了。 Oh,你能不能,就偶爾一次, 不記得這些瑣。。。屑。。。小事? 你知道他什么時候回來么? 幾天后吧。 我就料到會有這種事情發(fā)生的。 你干嘛?Chandler,你不能再退回到第一階段! 我當然可以,你說的是時間,你不能讓時光倒流。 你為什么不,不繼續(xù)你的第二階段, 和我們一起去看脫衣舞表演呢? 是呀,來吧,我們可以扮男的。 不,你們不行。 怎么了,不就是扮男的嘛, 也許我們本來就想當男的呢! 你們不會想當男的,男人渾身都是毛,而且活不長。 你,你別再唧唧歪歪了, 脫掉它,然后我們一起去看裸女跳舞。 好吧。 對不起。 嗨! Joey Tribbiani! 我來了!我來了! 鎮(zhèn)定一下,還有時間,我們開始地遲了一些。 瞧哪兒,Charlton Heston 在吃甘草梗。 恩,他很喜歡吃的,我從沒見過他...... 哇!這兒怎么了?什么味道這么難聞? 你呀! 我明白你為什么這么想, 不過,你知道實際上我怎么想的嗎? 不是你么? 不 - 不是,其實上是,是Heston。 什么? 就是他身上的,聞起來像是去釣了三天的魚, 然后又吃了那么多甘草梗。 不可能是他呀,他剛從更衣室里洗了澡出來。 是么?洗過澡了?嗯,是哪個房間來著? 門上寫著“Heston”的那間。 是么...... 嗨,我這里有些一美元的紙幣, 你想把它們放到她的三角褲里么? 不用了,謝謝,老媽! Oh,別,那個,你得把煙掐掉,因為我懷孕了。 那你和你的孩子該到別的脫衣舞夜總會去了。 呵-呵,這不是我的孩子,呵-呵-呵! 很好,很好。 我很喜歡,表演的非常棒。 我剛查了留言,Joshua沒打電話過來。 難道我沒去他的夜總會,他一點兒都不擔心么? 哦,更糟的是,Ross 卻還在佛莫特逍遙快活! 別煩了,看看你們現在在那里! 麻煩給我們每人一杯雞尾酒。 別忘了,我還要個處男。 Oh! 走之前別忘了告訴我地毯旁邊那個帥哥的名字。 哦,算了吧,我這就回家給Kathy打電話。 如果你覺得會有幫助的話。 不,我只是試試。幾小時后我就會爛醉如泥, 也許會給Kathy打電話,你們可一定要阻止我呀。 然后,如果我醉的一塌糊涂了, 說不定還會打電話給Janice的。 你確實該打了!她現在怎么樣? Ohhh!! 我想有人肯定會覺得表演還不夠過癮。 Hello!誰在里面? 你好! 你到底是誰? 如果我說是Kurt Douglas,你肯定不信,是吧? 穿上褲子,我要踢你屁股。 別-別-別,等一下,你瞧,我是個演員。 Joey Tribbiani,我今天和你配戲,可我太臭了...... 你也有戲? 是,戲里你的倔脾氣得罪了所有警察,我演警察甲 對不起,實在對不起,我太臭了。 Joey, 是吧? 是的。 每個演員總有時候會 ......噢! 會覺得自己很臭,就算是Lawrence Oliver也一樣, Bob Redford甚至都不敢正眼瞧自個兒。 噢,不-不-不,你沒明白我...... 聽我說! 好的,好的。 我就不相信任何一個稱職的演員, 在他整個事業(yè)期里就從沒說過:“天哪,我太臭了!” 我剛在外面演了一場戲,還不是弄得一團糟。 可是,最重要的是你要記住的, 不管你覺得自己有多臭, 永遠也別闖到我的更衣室來,用我的淋浴! 你聽明白了么? 是的,是的,我這就。。。。。 慢著,拿上你的褲子。 好的,好的。 我們在脫衣舞夜總會表現得不錯吧? Oh 是的,很好,謝謝你們! 那里最性感的雞尾酒女招待都想辭職去教三年級了。 真不敢相信,他還沒打電話過來。 誰?Josh? 是Joshua。。 他不喜歡被人開玩笑么? 不,是我不喜歡! 好吧,我去穿回我的運動服。 Oh 別!等一下,好吧,你是對的,我們扮不好男人, 可你知道為什么嗎?因為我們是女人。 Yeah? 那你知道女人最擅長什么嗎? 跳脫衣舞! 不,是傾聽!坐下來! 也許只要你說出來,就會很有幫助的。 是呀,說吧,你心里都在想些什么? 當然了,如果你想哭的話,也沒問題的。 好了,也許我該讓你們都離開一會兒。 別這樣,Chandler! 哦,算了吧,我們努力過了,第三階段注定無法實現。 那些脫衣女郎都野性十足, 可我就是無法幻想自己和她們中的任何一個。 她們真的很漂亮,不是么? Oh! 哪個? Yeah,我最喜歡那個救火籠駕駛員。 Oh,Candy! 她火花四射! Yeah。 如果,我們想和女人在一起的話, 那,那一定要找像Michelle一樣的, 她簡直太,太姣美了。 是么?我到沒這么想,如果是我,我會選Chantal。 Oh,Chantal! 哦,上帝呀! 她的皮膚好光滑呀! 當我把一美元塞到她G帶里面,手輕擦過她大腿的時候。。。。。 第三階段!我終于到了第三階段! 是么? 我現在滿腦子想的都是你們和那些女人們在一起! 可,那不是第三階段啊。 不過,我也在里面! 哦,我們都在一起嗎,像個團體似的? 別說了!你們殺掉我吧! 我想我就要到達第四階段了! Oh! 那是什么?那是什么呢? 我什么關系都不想要! 只想和那些脫衣女郎還有我的朋友們做愛! 別這樣,讓我看看你的笑臉。 我高興不起來。 試一下! 我想去脫衣舞夜總會! 我知道,你有的是機會,我可以毫不夸張地說, 外面有成千上萬的女人等著和我胡搞呢。 是的,好吧。 嗨 嗨,你在佛蒙特過得如何? Emily 簡直是。。。。。難以置信, 我是說好得無法形容,整個周末就像一場夢。 Oh! 還有你,Rach! Oh, 嗨! 嗨! 你說得太對了! 什么? 你說的,我們因該為彼此的幸福而高興才是。 我是說,我,我得承認開始并沒有這樣想。 因為一想到你和那個叫Josh的小子。。。。 Joshua。 叫Joshua的小子在夜總會, 跳舞樂逍遙,那種感覺有點兒。。。。你懂么? 是的,我。。。 可是現在!我完全想通了!我現在和你想法一樣! 噢,謝天謝地! 還要,謝謝你讓我認識Emily。 Oh,沒什么,我很高興我能幫上忙,也為你高興! 為你高興! 不!為你高興! 好吧,女士們,我們馬上將要做的是。。。 你來脫掉我的衣服, 你們兩個去把涂油拿來。 你們只要用最大的聲音不停地叫: “Chandler吾王!Chandler吾王!” 我,我想和她在一起,我喜歡她。 Oh,好吧!按本能自由選擇,自由選擇。 等一會兒,我要干什么來著? 拜托!你能不能專心一點兒,我隨時都有可能夢醒! Hi,我是Joshua,我來接Rachel。 不-不-不,他不是Joshua。 我又沒見過他,管他的呢,Rachel, 不好意思你得走了,我們其它的人還有好多要干呢! 你干嘛?好吧,聽著,我要醒了!

The One With Joey’s Dirty Day

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is getting ready for a fishing trip and Phoebe is asking him about the fishing lures. Ross is playing with the rod, and Monica is pretty much just watching the on goings.]

Phoebe: (holding a lure) So now, what is this now?

Joey: Guggly worm.

Phoebe: (laughs and picks up another lure) And this?

Joey: Glow-pop giggly jammer.

Phoebe: (laughs harder) You make it so funny.

Monica: (not wanting to be left out, picks up something) Hey umm, what’s this?

Joey: (examining it) Ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year. (Monica drops the sandwich)

Ross: (pretend fishing in the living room) Ohh, Geller’s got one hooked! Ohh! Looks like a big one! Yeah, ohh! Ohh! (Swinging the rod back and forth) It’s the classic struggle between man and—(swings the rod and knocks over a lamp.) Someone knocked over a lamp.

Joey: (going over and picking up the rod) That’s all right. Hey you guys, you know what’s going to be great about the fishing trip this year? When my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with your life?" stuff. I can say, "Well, I’m doing a movie with Charlton Heston dad. What are you doing with your life?"

All: Great!

(Chandler enters from his bedroom, all depressed and wearing sweat pants, with the chick and duck in tow.)

Chandler: You don’t have to stop having fun just because I’m here. Kathy didn’t cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.)

Monica: Hey, Joey, I don’t think that you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it’s only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week?

Joey: Look, there’s nothing I can do for him right now, he’s still in his sweat pants, that’s still Phase One. Y'know? I’ll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two.

Monica: What’s Phase Two?

Joey: Gettin’ drunk and going to a strip club.

Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him better?

Ross: Because there are naked ladies there.

Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women.

Ross: There are naked ladies there too.

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: (opening the bathroom door and kicking out the chick and duck) Would you give me one minute!! Please.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is still dressing Joshua. He is trying on a pair of pants.]

Joshua: So, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week?

Rachel: Um-hmm. (Joshua turns to look in the mirror and leaves Rachel staring at his ass.) There we go. There it is.

Joshua: (turning around) Oh! You know what I need?

Rachel: Yeah!

Joshua: Gloves. Brown, leather dress gloves.

Rachel: Oh, okay. Uhh, well let’s see. (Grabs his hand.) You’re about—well uh, this one is large. And this one—(Grabs the other hand.)

Joshua: Also large?

Rachel: Yeah! Okay, two larges coming right up!

Joshua: Okay.

Mr. Waltham: (entering) Rachel! Could I have a moment?

Rachel: Yes.

Mr. Waltham: I-I was wondering, my niece you see is in from London—well Shropshire really but y’know—well she’s about your age I say. Anyway I have tickets for the opera, Die Fledermaus, and I was wondering if you’d like to keep her company this evening?

Rachel: Sure. You got it. Great!

Mr. Waltham: Oh, good.

Rachel: Me, Fledermaus, great. I really—(motions to Joshua.)

Mr. Waltham: Ohh! Yes of course, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much.

Joshua: So…(Holds out his hands as to say, "Where are my gloves?")

Rachel: So? (She puts her hands in his, totally forgetting about the gloves, and hoping for something more intimate.)

Joshua: Gloves?

Rachel: Ohh! Right! Right, sorry, I’ll be right back!

Joshua: Uhh, actually y’know what, I kinda—I have to take off.

Rachel: Oh.

Joshua: But, I was curious; do you have any plans for tonight?

Rachel: No! Nothing!

Joshua: I invested in this night-club and it’s opening tonight, would you like to come?

Rachel: Yeah! That would be great!

Joshua: You’re into hardcore S&M right?

Rachel: (shocked) Well, I-I guess—I…

Joshua: Kidding! (Rachel is relived) I’m gonna get there early, but I’m going to put you on the V.I.P list, okay? Look for me.

Rachel: Yeah, great, you betcha!

Mr. Waltham: (entering) I almost forget the tickets, didn’t I?

Rachel: What?

Mr. Waltham: For you and Emily, tonight, Die Fledermaus.

Rachel: Oh. Oh, right.

Mr. Waltham: I think you’ll like it, it has two out of the three tenors.

Rachel: Oh yay!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is in his sweats flinging playing cards into a pot.]

Chandler: Y’know, I can’t believe Kathy did this too me. I really, thought that she was the one. I tell you what, from now on I’m never getting out of this chair, ever! Okay? From now on, this chair is the one! You wanna what else is the one? My sweat pants!

Ross: Come on, man! Just-just take the sweats off. Okay? Just take ‘em off and we’ll have some fun.

Joey: (entering) Hey-hey!

Ross: Hi!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Catch any big fish? (Phoebe, Ross, and Monica all go over to him.)

Joey: Oh my God, you guys have no idea.

All: (they all recoil from the smell emanating from him) Oh! God! Wow!

Monica: You stink!

Ross: Are you kidding?!

Joey: Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus! I fell in that big tub of worms at the bait stand! Hey, how-how’s he doing?

Ross: He hasn’t gotten out of that chair in two days.

Joey: (goes over to Chandler) Hey buddy! How’s it going?

(Chandler imitates retching and gets out of the chair.)

Joey: (To the rest of the gang) Hey, see that? He just needed his pal to come home. All right, uh, I’ve got to go memorise my lines. (Starts to go his bedroom) Me and Charlton Heston bright and early tomorrow morning! Yeah-yeah!

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, Monica!

Monica: Uh-oh, what’s the matter?

Rachel: Ohh, it’s Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight. But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb old opera. So… What are you gonna do?

Monica: I don’t know sweetie.

Rachel: No! Help me!

Monica: I can’t! I have to work!

Rachel: Phoebe?

Phoebe: I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening.

Rachel: Ugh!

Phoebe: Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me.

Rachel: Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is—I have to meet Joshua! This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y’know the "Wouldn’t it be great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back?

Monica: No, Chandler’s still in Phase One, and Joey’s that thing you smell.

Rachel: Ohh! (Realises that Ross is in the room.) Hi!

Ross: Hi!

Rachel: So….

Ross: No.

Rachel: Ohhhh, come on!!!

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Monica: I think she’s here.

Rachel: No! Wait! Wait-wait! Ross, please!

Ross: You want me to take some girl I’ve never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, that-that is a toughie.

Monica: (looking out the peephole) Ohh, she’s looking down the hall. Oh! She looked right at me! Oh wait, you can’t see people through that little hole, can you? (Goes back to the door.) Hello!

Woman: Hello! (Monica screams)

Rachel: I’ll be right there! (to Ross) Okay, Ross, please come on! I thought we have moved on! I thought we’ve gotten to a place where we could be happy for each other! I mean was that just me?

Ross: All right, I’ll do it.

Rachel: Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Monica opens the door.) Emily?

Emily: Yes.

Rachel: I’m Rachel Green.

Emily: Thank goodness.

Rachel: There’s been a teeny-teeny change in plans. It turns out that I’m not free tonight. So…

Emily: Really?! Well, that’s just lovely, isn’t it? I must’ve missed your call, even though I didn’t leave the flat all day.

Rachel: Oh well, no I…

Emily: Oh, no-no-no, that’s not rude! It’s perfectly in keeping with a trip that I’ve already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone who’s got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum.

Monica: I-I-I think you look great.

Emily: Good night, it was very nice to meet you all. (Storms out.)

(Pause)

Rachel: I’ll get her.

Ross: Please hurry.

Phoebe: Don’t you just love the way they talk?!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next morning, Monica and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Phoebe: Ohh!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: It kicked! I think the baby kicked!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted.

Joey: (running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of here!

Monica: Oh wait, Joey, you can’t go like that! You stink!

Joey: Look, I know I feel asleep before I could shower and now I don’t have time! They’re just ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it.

Monica: Yeah. Run ten blocks, that’ll help the smell.

(He opens the door to reveal Rachel.)

Rachel: Hey—whoa, slow down. (Gets a whiff of him) No, keep moving. (Joey runs off.) Wow!

Monica: So? How did it go with Joshua last night?

Rachel: Well, I didn’t see Joshua last night, but I did punch a girl in the face.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Why?

Rachel: The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep.

Phoebe: Ohh! So, did you get to meet her?

Rachel: No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and she was all, "I’m Rachel Greep! I’m Rachel Greep!" and he let her right in.

Monica: So you hit her in the face?

Rachel: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I can’t believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me.

Phoebe: (going over to comfort her) Aww, Pheebs.

Rachel: Honey, that’s you’re name.

Phoebe: That’s short for Phoebe?! I thought that was just what we called each other!

(Chandler enters from his bedroom.)

Monica: Hey! You’re wearing pants!

Chandler: That’s right! Where are the guys? I’m ready to get drunk and see some strippers.

Monica: It’s 9:30 in the morning!

Chandler: They got a breakfast buffet.

(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)

Monica: Hello. (Listens) Oh, hey Ross!

Chandler: Ooh, let me talk to him!

Monica: Oh-oh, my God!

Chandler: Well, can I just…

Monica: (to Chandler) Shh!! (On phone) Wait, what?

Chandler: She’s shhing me! It’s my phone and she’s shhing me!

Phoebe: Shhh!! Please! What’s he saying?

Monica: He’s with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont!

Phoebe: What? Oh my God!

Rachel: What? Who the hell is Emily—(realises) noooo!!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, scene continued from earlier.]

Rachel: They’re in Vermont!! How could this happen?! (She waves her arms franticly and hits Chandler.)

Chandler: Ow!

Rachel: How—how did end up in Vermont with that awful witch?! (She hits Chandler again.)

Chandler: Maybe, she doesn’t hit him all the time.

[cut to Ross in Vermont, talking on the phone.]

Ross: When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who wouldn’t be miserable? I’m telling you when I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person.

Emily: (rushing in) Ross! Come quickly! There’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!

Ross: I’ve gotta go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! (He hangs up and runs out.)

[cut back to Chandler and Joey’s.]

Monica: He had to go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.

Rachel: I don’t get this! She was horrible! (She hits Chandler, yet again.)

Chandler: Okay, I’m going to go stand over there. (Points and moves into the living room.)

Monica: Why do you care so much anyway?

Rachel: I don’t care! All right, y’know what I’m just upset that I’m getting nowhere with Joshua that—y’know what still, you do not meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont!

Monica: Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail.

Rachel: Oh, y’know, would you just for once, not remember every…little…thing!! (Storms out.)

Chandler: So y’know, uh, when’s he getting back?

Monica: A couple of days.

Chandler: Y’know, I knew something like this was going to happen. (He starts to take off his pants, revealing that he is still wearing his sweat pants.)

Monica: What are you doing?! Chandler! You can’t just go back a phase!

Chandler: Yes you can. You’re thinking about time, you can’t go back in time.

Phoebe: Well, look, why don’t you just, why don’t you do your Phase Two strip club thing with us.

Monica: Yeah, come on, we can be guys!

Chandler: (laughs) No you can’t.

Phoebe: Come on! Let us be guys! Maybe we want to be guys!

Chandler: You don’t want to be guys, you’d be all hairy and wouldn’t live as long. (Starts to go to his bedroom)

Phoebe: Y’know you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off and you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!!

Chandler: Okay. (Starts to cry)

Phoebe: I’m sorry. (Goes and hugs him)

[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is just arriving for his scene.]

Joey: (rushing in) Hey! Joey Tribbiani! I’m here! I’m here!

The A.D: Calm down, we got time, we’re running a little late.

(Just then, Charlton Heston walks out of his dressing room and starts eating a liquorice whip.)

Joey: Look at that, Charlton Heston eating a liquorice whip!

The A.D: Yeah, we loves ‘em. I’ve never seen him with—(He gets a whiff of Joey and starts smelling around.)

Joey: (trying to act like he’s not the one that stinks.) Whoa! Yeah, what the hell is that? What smells so bad?

The A.D: You.

Joey: Y’know, I can see why you think that, but ah, actually, you know who I think it is?

The A.D: You?

Joey: No-no, it’s uh, it’s Heston.

The A.D: What?

Joey: Yeah, the man wreaks! Smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and then ate some liquorice.

The A.D: There’s no way he smells, he’s the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room.

Joey: Really, a shower huh? And uh, which-which room might that be?

The A.D: The one with "Heston" on it.

Joey: Interesting.

[Scene: A strip club, the girls are there with Chandler, who isn’t enjoying himself.]

Monica: (coming back to the stage and sitting next to Chandler) Okay, I’ve got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties?

Chandler: No thanks, Mom!

(A man sits down next to Phoebe and lights up a cigarette.)

Phoebe: Oh, no umm, hi, that-that, you have to put that out, ‘cause I’m pregnant.

The Cigarette Smoking Guy: (No, not the Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files.) Well, maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club.

Phoebe: Ha-ha, it’s not my baby, ha-ha-ha! (He leaves.)

(The dancer finishes and everyone claps.)

Monica: Very good, (getting up and sliding a One into the dancer’s hot pants) so good.

Phoebe: (doing the same) I really, really enjoyed it. Very exotic.

Rachel: (joining them) Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua didn’t call. I mean you’d think he’d be worried about me not showing up at his club. Ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont!

Phoebe: Come on! Look where you are!!

Monica: (to the waitress) When you get a sec, another round of daiquiris.

Phoebe: Remember, a virgin for me please.

Monica: Oh! And don’t let me leave without getting the name of that carpet guy.

Chandler: Ahh, come on! Y’know what—y’know what, I think I’m just gonna go home and call Kathy.

Phoebe: Well, if you think it will help.

Chandler: No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I’m gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I’m gonna get so drunk, I’m gonna wanna call Janice

Phoebe: You should! How is she?

Chandler: Ohhh!!

Monica: I think somebody needs another lap dance. (Motions for one.)

[Scene: Silvercup studios, Joey is taking a shower in Charlton Heston’s dressing room. Heston enters the room, Joey panics, and walks over to the shower and confronts Joey about the use of his shower.]

Charlton Heston: Hello! Who’s in there? (He opens to curtain to reveal a naked and wet Joey.)

Joey: How ya doin’?

Charlton Heston: Who in the hell are you?

Joey: I guess you wouldn’t believe me if I said I was Kurt Douglas, huh?

Charlton Heston: Put some pants on kid so I can kick your butt.

Joey: No-no-no, no, no, wait. You see, I’m an actor, Joey Tribbiani, I’m doing a scene with you today, and well, I stink.

Charlton Heston: (shocked) You’re in this picture?

Joey: Yeah-yeah, I’m one of the cops that won’t work with you ‘cause you a lose cannon. Anyway, look, I’m really sorry, but I stink!

Charlton Heston: Joey, right?

Joey: Yeah.

Charlton Heston: (tosses him a towel, motions for him to get out of the shower and sits down on the couch) Every actor at one time or another—opp! (Joey tries to sit down next to him and Heston makes him sit somewhere else.) Every actor thinks he stinks, even Lawrence Oliver at sometimes thought he stank, Bob Redford won’t even watch himself.

Joey: Oh no-no-no, you don’t understand…

Charlton Heston: Listen to me!

Joey: Oh yeah, yeah.

Charlton Heston: I don’t know one actor worth his salt that didn’t say at one time or another, "God, I stink!" Hell, I just did a scene out there, first take, I stunk the place up. But, the important thing you must remember, no matter how badly you think you might stink, you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my shower! Do you understand me?!

Joey: Yes sir! Yes sir, I’m-I’m—(he starts to leave)

Charlton Heston: Wait a minute! Take your pants.

Joey: Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are returning from the strip club.]

Monica: So, we did okay at the strip club, right?

Chandler: Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade!

Rachel: (entering) I can’t believe it! He still hasn’t called.

Phoebe: Who, Josh?

Rachel: It’s Joshua.

Monica: What, he doesn’t like Josh?

Rachel: No, I don’t.

Chandler: All right, well I’m gonna put my sweats back on.

Phoebe: Oh no! Wait! Wait! Okay, y’know what, you were right, you were right. We really weren’t great at being guys, but you know why? Because we’re girls.

Chandler: Yeah?

Phoebe: And do you know what girls are really good at?

Chandler: Stripping!

Phoebe: No, listening! Sit! Y’know, maybe it would just really, really help if you would just talk.

Rachel: Yeah, come on! What’s going in on in there? (Pats his chest.)

Monica: Yeah. And y’know, if you wanna cry, that’s okay too.

Chandler: Okay, look, I’m gonna have to ask you all to leave.

Monica: Come on! Chandler!

Chandler: Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause, Okay? Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn’t picture myself with any of them. (Sits back in disgust.)

Monica: They really were pretty, weren’t they? (Rachel and Phoebe both agree)

Phoebe: Yeah, I really liked that fighter pilot one.

Monica: Oh, Candy! She was so spunky!

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: Y’know, I think if I were going to be with a woman. (Chandler is intrigued.) It’d, it’d be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh, she was so petite.

Rachel: See, I don’t know, for me it would have to Chantal.

Monica: Oh, Chantal!

Rachel: Oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! I mean when I stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh…

Chandler: (jumping up) Phase Three! I just achieved Phase Three!

Monica: Really?!

Chandler: I am totally picturing you with all those women!

Monica: That’s-that’s not Phase Three.

Chandler: Well, I’m there too!

Rachel: Well, are we all together? Like in a group?

Chandler: Stop it! You’re killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four!

Phoebe: Oh! What is that? What is that?

Chandler: Where I don’t want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!!

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, minus Ross. Chandler is trying to cheer Joey up about missing Phase Two.]

Chandler: Come on, let me see that smile.

Joey: I don’t wanna.

Chandler: Please?

Joey: I wanted to go to the strip club!

Chandler: I know, I know, but you’re gonna have plenty of chances. There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting to screw me over.

Joey: Yeah, all right. (Ross enters.)

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey—ooh so, how was Vermont?

Ross: Emily is…incredible. I mean there-there are no words to describe it, I mean the whole weekend was like a dream. (Sees Rachel coming back from the bathroom.) Oh! And you! Rach!

Rachel: Oh, hey!

Ross: Hey! You were so right!

Rachel: What?

Ross: Uh, what you said, about us being in a place where we could finally be happy for each other.

Rachel: Oh, hmm.

Ross: I mean, I, I-I admit I-I wasn’t quite there. Y’know, I mean the thought of you and that-that Josh guy…

Rachel: Joshua.

Ross: Joshua…guy at that club, dancing and having a good time, the thought of it kinda…y’know.

Rachel: Yeah, I…

Ross: But now! I’m there! I’m totally there! I’m-I’m finally where you are!

Rachel: Oh, thank goodness!

Ross: Yeah, and-and thank you for Emily.

Rachel: Oh, no problem. I’m so glad I could help. Happy for you. (She playfully punches him.)

Ross: Happy for you. (He punches her back.)

Rachel: No, happy for you! (Hits him harder.)

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is there and is getting ready to direct a bunch of strippers, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe on what to do in the upcoming orgy of lesbian lust. Yes, it’s a dream sequence, this isn’t cable.]

Chandler: All right ladies, here’s what we’re gonna do. (Points to a stripper.) You are gonna take off my clothes. (To another two strippers) You two, go get the oils. (To another stripper) And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, "Chandler’s the king! Chandler’s the king!"

Phoebe: I-I wanna be with her, (points to the stripper next to her) I like her.

Chandler: Oh, that’s fine! Go with your instincts, go with your instincts.

Monica: Wait, now, what am I doing again?

Chandler: Come on! Would you please pay attention, I could wake up at any moment!

The Cigarette Guy: Hi, I’m Joshua, I’m here to pick up Rachel.

Rachel: No-no-no, that’ not Joshua.

Chandler: What do you want from me, I’ve never met the guy. So anyway, Rachel, I’m sorry you can’t stay, (Rachel is upset about leaving the orgy with the cigarette guy.) but the rest of us have a lot of work to do. (The cigarette guy starts rubbing Chandler’s back.) What are you doing? (The guy just nods) All right, listen, I’ve got to wake up!

END

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