喔~真不敢相信我居然跑來修指甲!你還說這會(huì)很有意思的!你看,弄成這個(gè)樣子?還有, 你說這兒也有男人來的,可我怎么一個(gè)都沒看見。錢德勒, 那邊不是有個(gè)男的么?那只是個(gè)送信的,給我們送信的就是他啊!嗨, 你好。錢德勒, 別擔(dān)心!這并不會(huì)讓你看起來不像個(gè)男人的。這樣就會(huì)了!我坐著什么了?我可不敢去想這個(gè)女的是抓哪兒,而弄斷自己指甲的?呵呵, 你知道從前誰有和這一樣的指甲嗎?- 嗯.哦...我的...天吶!!喬伊,我問你!它讓我快瘋掉了。這個(gè)開關(guān)到底是干嘛的?哦,不干嘛呀。面對一個(gè)不知道有什么用的開關(guān),難道你一點(diǎn)兒都不在意么??我知道啊! 它什么作用也不起。如果沒什么作用,他們就不會(huì)把它放在這兒了。你怎么能夠一點(diǎn)兒都不在乎呢?那又怎樣?喬伊,我也想問問你。嗯,廁所里面那個(gè)銀色水龍頭是干嘛的?廢話! 是沖廁所的。好吧,既然你知道,那你到我們那邊去的時(shí)候,你能不能試著用用它?-你們好!- 嗨! 啊!!猜猜我們今天碰見誰了?!詹尼絲?!太奇妙了!你最近怎么樣呀?嗯,我離婚了......哦, 喔.哈哈!我得了一筆不小的離婚贍養(yǎng)費(fèi)。得,又是這套。我過來就是打個(gè)招呼。嗨! 還有你,親愛的, 晚上見.- 好的. 再見.- Bye.- Bye.- Bye.- Bye.- Bye.- B-bye!- Bye-bye.再見.我受不了這個(gè)女人了!什么?!我還以為你真的愛上她了呢!是嗎? 好吧。但是,她所有的那些我們相愛之前的就有的惹人厭的小毛病比如她的聲音,她的笑,還有她的性格……這些,現(xiàn)在一個(gè)不落的都回來了!還有其它九個(gè)新毛病!那你把她帶到這兒來干嘛?這里還有人咧!別擔(dān)心,今晚我就能把她搞定。你才搞不定呢。你從來都沒成功和她分手過。這次我根本不用和她分手,我們一點(diǎn)關(guān)系都沒有!我要先發(fā)制人!把這段感情扼殺在搖籃里!我屁股都快凍僵了。試試把屁股伸到冷凍區(qū)20分鐘。只是一個(gè)建議!我真不敢相信你敢一個(gè)人走。我是說那些有關(guān)紐約的傳聞。其實(shí)沒那么糟的。我一個(gè)人的時(shí)候也感覺很安全啊。救命啊! 救命啊!! 救命啊! 救命啊!!別,別,羅斯,這兩個(gè)是我的老朋友。Liam, Devon,這是羅斯。你好,老兄。你好,兄弟。喔,哦,我裝得很像吧??救命啊~救命啊~最近怎么樣?。縿偟轿揖拖虢o你們打電話來著,但是,一直比較忙了。你想想,那次U2演唱會(huì)之后我們就沒見過了。噢,是呀,就是。實(shí)際上我們自從那個(gè)早上之后就再?zèng)]見過面。Oh, Liam.Oh, Liam。你們在玩足球嗎,或者該叫它 足-球。我們玩橄欖球。我們明天碰巧要在公園里打一場比賽。假如你愿意的話,可以一起來玩玩。羅斯玩橄欖球?呵呵,我不敢想象。這有什么好笑的?。我是說,你是美國人,你們這里沒有橄欖球。喔,我們這里在1776年以前,還沒有自由呢。好,說定了!明天兩點(diǎn)在河邊公園見,干杯!干杯!干杯!喔,親愛的,我太喜歡唱歌了。是的,我知道,但這也是人們抱怨的原因之一,他們付錢是來聽男演員演唱“老人河”的。哦!瞧瞧我們這對,誰又能想到丘比特光臨了14街的美甲店呢?好吧,我們得談?wù)?。我剛結(jié)束一段認(rèn)真的感情我知道,我還不是剛從婚姻中擺脫出來。這一切都是天意。沒錯(cuò)!可是,我覺得這發(fā)生得太快了。得了,哪兒快了。勇敢面對吧,這次我決不會(huì)讓你跑掉啦。我知道……但是,不幸的是,公司要派我出國。是么?去哪,是巴黎么??不不。不是巴黎。倫敦?不不,羅馬?維也納?哦——巴塞羅那?!好了,你能不能停一會(huì)兒別說了?也門!恩,是的,我被派到也門去了。什么時(shí)候?我現(xiàn)在還不大清楚。哦……我會(huì)一直陪伴著錢德勒賓直到你出發(fā)的那個(gè)時(shí)刻??晌抑朗敲魈斓氖裁磿r(shí)候。- 好了么?- 恩!- 嗨!- 嗨! 在搞什么?開關(guān)的事情都快把我逼瘋了。于是我把它關(guān)掉,仔細(xì)檢查每一個(gè)插座。現(xiàn)在發(fā)現(xiàn)有四個(gè)插座不能用。也就是說,這四個(gè)插座中有一個(gè)肯定是受那個(gè)開關(guān)控制的。于是,我把每個(gè)插座都插上能發(fā)聲的東西,所以當(dāng)我打開那個(gè)開關(guān)的時(shí)候,順著聲音,我就能知道是控制哪個(gè)插座的了??凑l先失聰!其實(shí)啊,你也可以用燈呀,然后順著亮找。是啊,可以呀。只不過我用聲音。Ok。好吧!大家都準(zhǔn)備好了嗎?開始了——!就是它,我聽到了!它在哪兒?。是喬伊弄的。噢,上帝呀,太可怕了!快把他關(guān)掉。嗨,能看看新聞嗎?好像下雨了。哦,稍微等一會(huì)。我在看ESPN臺(tái)的橄欖球比賽。這有什么大不了的,我還不是可以玩。算了吧,你連看比賽的膽量都沒有。嗨,這不是羅斯么。嗨......詹尼絲。其實(shí),你真的不用幫我收拾行李的。你自己說離開前有好多東西要收拾,除了幫你收拾行李,我還有別的選擇么?我以為會(huì)有很多東西,其實(shí)沒多少。嗨,怎么回事呀?收拾行李呀,為明天去也門作準(zhǔn)備。謝謝你現(xiàn)在才告訴我!我只是假裝要去也門。這是擺脫她的唯一辦法。喔——好主意!“也門”?聽起來的確象一個(gè)國家的名字。錢德勒,進(jìn)來。我教你怎么把內(nèi)褲塞到鞋子里,這樣節(jié)省空間一些。耶,我也是這么做的。這樣能讓我顯得高一些。OK.錢德勒,過來一下!OK。喬伊,咱倆換換吧。不!瞧瞧這個(gè),羅斯,真不敢相信你會(huì)去玩橄欖球。這也太野蠻了。我自己有數(shù),行嗎?算了吧,羅斯。你和我老爸玩羽毛球都能受傷。那……那因?yàn)槟憷蠇尩哪菞l狗一直……一直盯著我看。好吧,羅斯,看看看看,看這兒。這叫“并列爭球”,一堆人擠作一團(tuán)搶球。不就是個(gè)球么,有什么好搶的。羅斯……他們會(huì)要了你的命的。哦,你為什么非得玩這個(gè)?你真應(yīng)該見見以前和她約會(huì)的那個(gè)人。他長得就像個(gè)橄欖球似的。是么?那他也玩橄欖球么?太搞笑了。喔,我總算明白你意思了。你不知道,她認(rèn)為我去打橄欖球,是瞎胡鬧。我就是要讓她看看我有多勇猛。不好意思,sorry,你是對的。你是個(gè)很勇猛的人,是我認(rèn)識的最兇悍的古生物學(xué)家。好啦,別開玩笑了。羅斯能照顧好自己的。他又不是……錢德勒。多謝夸獎(jiǎng)!好了,別為我擔(dān)心了?我會(huì)積極跑動(dòng),離球越遠(yuǎn)越好。我會(huì)……我會(huì)……象那個(gè)人一樣站在圈外。哦!哦,也許旁邊正好有只狗在盯著他。羅斯羅斯羅斯羅斯,記得離那個(gè)家伙遠(yuǎn)點(diǎn)還有那個(gè),那個(gè)和那……天哪,他們好壯了!他們看起來也比我壯不了多少。也許是因?yàn)槟汶x自己太近了。所以自己看起來要高大一些。我過去和他們打個(gè)招呼,好嗎?- 好的。- Okay.嗨喔~他挺招人喜歡的。好了,我知道應(yīng)該怎么做。我要變成“紅臉羅斯”,不記得“紅臉羅斯”了?!我完全不明白你在講什么。好吧,你還記得那次我們排隊(duì)買《與狼共舞》的電影票的時(shí)候么?有個(gè)人插在我們前面,我生氣了,沖他大嚷,臉都變紅了?!凹t臉羅斯”?。?!不記得了。你馬上就會(huì)記得了。Liam,幫個(gè)忙,告訴伙計(jì)們。對羅斯客氣一些,他第一次玩這個(gè)。完全看不出來呀。祝你好運(yùn),親愛的。羅斯!羅斯!快來,到這兒來!來?。×_斯,快來??!擠到人堆里來。羅斯,快進(jìn)來!喬伊!?。。。。∧恪隙ú粫?huì)相信的!喬施今天到我這兒來了,猜猜發(fā)生了什么事?他約你出去?沒有。我讓他看了一些扣鏈樣本,順便摸了摸他的脈搏!聰明!這些是什么?這棟大樓的電路圖。好吧,好吧,你是不是瘋了??我知道那個(gè)開關(guān)肯定有用。因此我到城管去拿到了這個(gè)。只需要付上25美元,然后等上三個(gè)小時(shí)。喔!還好知道的人不多?其實(shí),你真的沒必要送我到機(jī)場。喔,別這樣,每分每秒都是寶貴的??偟糜腥嗽诹硪惠v出租車上幫你看這剩下的行李吧!還有,你那些朋友好像根本不在乎你離開似的。喔,其實(shí)我們關(guān)系不是很好。好的,我們,就此告別吧。再見。不不,還不到說告別的時(shí)候。我會(huì)一直陪到你上飛機(jī)為止。好吧。那你就在這兒等等吧。嗨,我想要一張去也門的假票。一張——去也門的機(jī)票?不不,不不不,我只需要一張假票。對不起先生,我不懂您的意思。好吧,假如一個(gè)小孩要拿票玩你會(huì)給他什么樣的票?您帶著個(gè)小孩么?沒有!好吧,她以為我會(huì)給你一張信用卡。其實(shí)我給你的是圖書卡。先生,去也門的票價(jià)是2100美元。而且我們不收圖書卡。怎么啦?出什么事情了?你得留下來?運(yùn)通卡?我不敢相信他們竟然這樣對羅斯。我跟他們說過對羅斯客氣些的。你不要介意,不過,你有時(shí)候說話口音太重,讓人很難聽懂。才半場休息,還有的他受呢。我的表現(xiàn)如何呀?很不錯(cuò)吧?這比賽太有意思了。沒錯(cuò)。嗨,幫個(gè)忙,幫我拿瓶水過來。- 好的。- 謝謝。我—我,都快死掉了。真的。喔,可憐的家伙。記得告訴我的兒子,我愛他。太好了!我還要玩得更爽一些。羅斯,他們會(huì)殺了你的。不會(huì)的。她是對的。你別上場了。什么?不,我一定要上場。我現(xiàn)在是“紅臉羅斯”算了吧,你再上去就是“死尸羅斯”了。那我不管,反正我不能退場!我一定要打完全場!好吧,如果你堅(jiān)持這樣的話,至少得讓我?guī)蛶湍?。不,老天!這不是女人待的地方。那些家伙什么事情都搶。我不是這個(gè)意思,我知道一些事情能讓你給他們點(diǎn)顏色看看?!翘昧?!—真的嗎?- 聽清楚了, Devon腳踝很弱- Huh?你輕輕一踢,他就不敢上前了。好,踢腳踝,記下了!還有那個(gè)留胡子的家伙,他屁股受過傷還有那邊的戴維,我聽說他沒戴護(hù)膝。喔!我清楚了,一個(gè)屁股受過傷,一個(gè)沒有護(hù)膝。好!還有,Liam膝蓋有傷。你一踢上去,他會(huì)象臺(tái)燈一樣倒在地上。。不過,Liam是我們隊(duì)的?!也还?!你只管對付他們—我這就上去對付他們!好,我又要回去了! “紅臉羅斯”!耶!嗨嗨這……這……這些是什么?喔,就是我畫的一些畫,把它們掛了起來。讓房間顯得亮一些,不是么?你不覺得嗎?別別別!我知道那里沒有 洞。我只是很喜歡那張畫。天??!瞧這兒!可是,那開關(guān)后面有線。它肯定連著什么東西。我不管!這些線讓你腦子短路了。我只是覺得,假如順著這些線查一查,就知道它是干嘛的了。那你弄明白了嗎?還沒有。線走到那層夾板后面就消失了。我在哪兒想了一會(huì)兒,覺得線肯定往樓下走了。但它沒有。和Chatracus夫人打個(gè)招呼吧。天啊你好,親愛的~你好~Chatracus夫人。你確定不需要去看醫(yī)生嗎?不用!沒這個(gè)必要。我現(xiàn)在很好。我真得很好,今天我太棒了!而且……我要請所有人喝咖啡。幫我取一下錢包,在我口袋里。—好的?!獩]叫你。你的眼睛還有些腫,我去拿冰塊。喔,冰塊。我太想要冰塊了。你表現(xiàn)的太令人驚奇了。-喔,我的確表現(xiàn)很好,不是么?-老天!我把一個(gè)是我兩倍個(gè)頭的人弄哭了。我上次發(fā)飆還是在四歲的時(shí)候,幫老爸洗車,用石頭招呼他的保時(shí)捷你的確玩得很開心,是嗎?那當(dāng)然了?你想想看,我打倒三個(gè)壯漢,還打破了一個(gè)家伙的鼻子。我是說我并不是為此而驕傲……好吧,我是的。所有這些都是因?yàn)槟?,完美無瑕的你。你不會(huì)得了腦震蕩吧?。不,我是認(rèn)真的。謝謝你。不用謝。哦,對不起,弄疼你了吧?這點(diǎn)兒傷痛算什么?哦,要不,還是算了吧。飛往也門的664號航班即將起飛,這是最后一次登機(jī)廣播。好吧,我想我得走了。我的賓——心肝。我會(huì)一直等著你的。你知道要去多久嗎?這個(gè)么,可能得等到我們發(fā)現(xiàn)代替燃料的新能源。噢,好吧,我會(huì)每天給你寫信的。也門——也門路15號好的,再見,再見。- 錢德勒?- 認(rèn)錯(cuò)人了!錢德勒!詹尼絲!原來你在這,你在這。我還沒和你吻別呢。你說你看見我一上飛機(jī)就走的!不!不!我要看著你起飛。我想我真得走了。我要去也門了。到了也門之后,我能和你待在一起嗎?算了吧,那個(gè)臨時(shí)演員不知道它是干嘛的,每小時(shí)兩百美元的電工也拿它沒辦法。我一連遭受七次重大的打擊。我正式放棄了。感謝上帝。我想喬伊是對的,這個(gè)開關(guān)的確沒有什么用??匆娏税?,我在控制它,我能控制電視。超能力消失了。
The One With All The Rugby
[Scene: A beauty parlour, Rachel is getting a manicure while Chandler, yes Chandler, is getting a petticure (Does that scare you that I know those terms? Well, it scares me.).]
Chandler: Y'know, I can't believe I'm getting my nails done! And you said it was gonna be fun! (pause) Which it kinda is. Also, you said there would be other guys here. There are no other guys here!
Rachel: Chandler, there’s a guy right over there. (Points to the counter)
Chandler: That’s a mailman! That’s our mailman! (Waves to the mailman) (Sarcastic) Hi. How are ya?
Rachel: Chandler, don’t worry! This doesn’t make you any less of a guy! (Chandler starts blowing on his fingernails like women do.) That does! (Chandler stops blowing.) What am I sitting on? (She looks and finds a huge nail.) I hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off.
Chandler: Hey, you know who used to have nails like that?
Rachel: Hmm.
Woman: OH…MY…GAWD!! (Yep, you guessed it. It’s Janice.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Joey are standing at the counter. Monica is flipping a light switch on and off next to the door.]
Monica: Joey let me ask you a question. What does this light switch do?
Joey: Ohh, Nothing.
Monica: Didn’t it drive you crazy to have a switch and not know what it did?
Joey: I know what it did! Nothing.
Monica: They wouldn’t have put it there if it didn’t do something! How can you not care?
Joey: Like this. (Shrugs)
Rachel: Well, here’s another question for ya. Uhh, do you know what that silver knob on the toilet does?
Joey: Sure! It flushes it.
Rachel: Okay, good. Now that since you know, when you come over would you mind actually using it?
Chandler: (entering, with Janice in tow) Hello!
Joey: Hey! (Sees Janice.) Ah!! (Janice screams in surprise.)
Rachel: Guess who we ran into today?!
Monica: Janice?!
Chandler: Isn’t this amazing?
Monica: How have you been?
Janice: Oh well, I’m divorced.
Phoebe: Ohhh, wow.
Janice: Yeah, I’m riding the alimony pony. (Does the now famous laugh.)
Joey: And there it is.
Janice: I just came up to say, "Hi!" Hi! (to Chandler) And you, sweetie, I’ll see you tonight.
Chandler: Okay. Bye.
Janice: Bye.
Chandler: Bye.
Janice: Bye.
Chandler: Bye.
Janice: Bye.
Chandler: B-bye!
Janice: Bye-bye.
Chandler: Bye. (Finally closes the door on her.) (After it’s closed) I can’t stand the woman! (Phoebe is shocked, Joey is relieved.)
Phoebe: What?! I thought you were crazy about her!
Chandler: Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personality—Well, they’re all back! Y’know? And she’s picked up like nine new ones!
Joey: So what are you doing bringing her here?! There’s people here!
Chandler: Don’t worry about it. I’m taking care of it tonight. (Chandler opens the fridge and grabs something to drink.)
Rachel: You are not. You have never been able to break up with her.
Chandler: (standing in the door of the fridge) Well, I don’t have to break up with her this time. We’re not involved! I’m going to do a pre-emptive strike! I’m going to end it with her before it starts. My ass is like frozen! (Closes the fridge.)
Joey: Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes. (They all look around and then back at Joey.) I’m tellin’ ya!
[Scene: A street, Ross and Emily are walking home from a date.]
Emily: I can’t believe you really walk alone here! I mean, you hear such stories about New York.
Ross: No, it’s really not that bad. I mean, I-I for one, feel perfectly safe.
(At that moment two very large men start screaming and running towards Emily and picking her up.)
Ross: Help! Help!! Help! Help!!
Emily: No, no, no Ross! Ross, these are friends of mine from home. (Introducing them) Liam, Devon, this is Ross.
Devon: Hey, mate.
Liam: How are ya man?
Ross: Oh hey, that was a good one, huh? (Imitating himself) Help! Help!
Emily: So how are you? I’ve been meaning to ring you ever since I arrived but umm, well, I’ve been rather busy.
Devon: Do you realise that we have not seen each other since the night of that U2 concert?
Emily: Oh my God. I think you’re right.
Liam: (puts his arm around her) Well, actually the last time you and I saw each other was that morning.
Emily: Oh, Liam. (Ross laughs and takes her back.)
Ross: Oh, Liam. So uh, what, were you guys playing soccer or something—or should I call it (In an English accent) football?
Devon: We were playing rugby.
Liam: In fact we’re playing a game at the park tomorrow. You’re welcome to play too if you want.
Emily: (laughs) Ross play rugby? I don’t think so.
Ross: What’s ah, what’s so funny about that?
Emily: Well I mean, you’re American to start with. You don’t even have rugby here.
Ross: Well, we didn’t have freedom here until 1776, either so…
Devon: So good then! We’ll see you at Riverside Park at 2:00! Cheers!
Liam: Cheers!
Ross: Cheers!
(Liam and Devon both take a swig of their beers, while Ross takes a swig of his coffee. The Brits both crush their cans, and not to be out done, Ross crushes his coffee cup, spilling its contents.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is attempting his pre-emptive strike.]
Janice: Oh boy, I just love to sing!
Chandler: Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River.
Janice: Oh, look at us! Who would’ve thought that Cupid had a station at 14th Street Nails. (Does the laugh)
Chandler: (laughs) Okay, we have to talk. I’m just getting out of a very serious relationship…
Janice: I know! And I’m just getting out of a marriage, I mean talk about meant to be!
Chandler: Right! I just think that this is happening too soon.
Janice: Oh, too soon, too schmoon. Face it honey, I am not letting you get away this time.
Chandler: I hear ya. (Pause) But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas!
Janice: Oh no! Where to? (Gasps) Too Paris?
Chandler: No! No! Not, Paris.
Janice:Too London? No-no, Rome? Vienna? Ooh-ooh, Barcelona?
Chandler: Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? (Thinks) Yemen. That’s right, yes, I’m being transferred to Yemen!
Janice: When?
Chandler: I don’t know exactly.
Janice: Ugh, well I will just have to soak up every once of Chandler Bing until that moment comes.
Chandler: But I do know that it’s some time tomorrow.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are plugging in a bunch of electronics.]
Monica: Done?
Phoebe: Yep!
Rachel: (entering, with Joey) Hey!
Joey: Hey! What’s up?
Monica: This switch thing has been driving me crazy. So I turned it off and checked every outlet. Now, four of them don’t work. Which means, one of them has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets that-that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on I just follow the noise and find out which one it is.
Joey: (to Rachel) I bet I stopped listening before you did.
Rachel: Y’know, you-you also could’ve used uh, lamps and then followed the light.
Monica: Yeah, well, I’m using noise. Okay. All right! So, is everybody ready? Here we go. (She flips on the switch and a hum starts.) I hear something! I hear something! Where is it? (They all start looking until Rachel realises it’s Joey.)
Rachel: It’s coming from Joey!
Phoebe: Oh my God, that’s so freaky! Turn him off!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are watching rugby on TV as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Ooh, hey, could we put on the news? I think it might be raining.
Ross: Oh, just hold on a second. I’m watching this rugby thing on ESPN. I don’t know what the big deal is. I’m man enough to play this sport.
Joey: Dude, you’re not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport.
Janice: (entering) Hey there Ross!
Ross: (shocked) Hey!
Phoebe: (whispering to Ross) Janice.
Chandler: Y’know uh, you didn’t really have to help me pack.
Janice: Ohh, well when you said all you were going to be doing between now and the time you leave is packing, you didn’t really leave me much choice. Did you?
Chandler: Well, I-I thought I did but, I-I guess I did not!
Joey: Hey-hey, what’s going on?
Chandler: Oh, I’m packing. Y’know I’m-I’m packing ‘cause I’m moving to Yemen tomorrow.
Joey: Thanks for telling me!
(Janice runs into the bedroom.)
Chandler: I’m only going to pretend I’m moving to Yemen, it’s the only way I can get rid off her.
Joey: Ohhhh, good one! And Yemen that actually sounds like a real country.
Janice: (leaning in from the bedroom) Chandler! Come on, I’m gonna show how to roll up your underwear and stuff it in your shoes. It’s a real space saver.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, I do that ‘cause it makes me look taller.
Janice: Okay, Chandler, come on!
Chandler: (to Janice) Okay. (to Joey) Joey, trade lives with me!
Joey: Nope. (To Ross) Man look at this! Ross, I can’t believe you said you’d play rugby. I mean look how brutal this is!
Ross: Hey, I can handle it! All right?
Rachel: Please, Ross, you-you got hurt playing badminton with my dad.
Ross: That’s ‘cause-‘cause you’re mom’s dog kept-kept looking at me.
Joey: (pointing to the TV) Okay, Ross, look-look-look-look, look right here. That’s called a scrum, okay? It’s kinda like a huddle.
Ross: And is a hum, kinda like a scruddle?
Joey: Ross! (Laughs) They’re gonna kill you!
Phoebe: Well, why are you doing this anyway?
Ross: Well, you should’ve seen the guy that she used to go out with. I mean, he’s like Joe Rugby.
Phoebe: You’re kidding! And he plays rugby?! That’s so funny. (Realises) Ohh! I see how you did that. All right.
Ross: Anyway, she thought the very idea of me playing rugby with him was like hilarious. So I’m gonna show her how tough I really am!
Rachel: (starts laughing, Ross stares at her) I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You’re right, you are a tough guy. You’re the toughest palaeontologist I know.
Joey: All right, come on look, Ross can take care of himself! It’s not like he’s…Chandler!
Chandler: (from his bedroom) Thanks!
Ross: Look, don’t worry about me. Okay? I’ll just stay real energetic and stay away from the ball. I’ll uh, I’ll be that guy right out of the circle. (He points to a player who starts running and then gets viscously tackled from behind.)
All: Oh!
Rachel: Oh, well maybe there was a dog lookin’ at him.
(Ross turns and wants to attack Rachel, but Joey stops him.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: The park, everyone is warming up for the rugby game. Only Joey and Phoebe came to support Ross.]
Joey: Ross-Ross-Ross-Ross! Stay away from that guy (Points), and that guy (Points). And that one—Dude! They’re all huge!
Ross: They don’t look any bigger than me!
Joey: Well, maybe that’s because you’re closer to you. So you look bigger to you from where you are.
Emily: I’m just going to say hi to the lads. All right?
Ross: All right.
Emily: Okay. (Goes to say hi to the lads.)
(A player comes over and picks up a ball in front of Phoebe.)
Phoebe: (to the player) Hi.
(The player stands up and smiles. Showing that he has no front teeth.)
Phoebe: Whoa! (The player leaves and to Joey) I kinda liked it.
(The referee blows the whistle and the players gather to start the game.)
Ross: Okay, I know what I have to do. I’ve got to go Red Ross. (Joey and Phoebe don’t know what he’s talking about.) Y’know, Red Ross!
Joey: I totally don’t know what you’re talking about.
Ross: Come on! The time we were all waiting in line for Dances With Wolves and that one guy cut in line in front of us and I just lost it?! Screamed at him! Turned all red! Red Ross!!
Joey: No.
Ross: You’ll see.
[Cut to Emily, Devon, and Liam]
Emily: Liam, do me a favour. Tell the lads to go easy on Ross, it’s his first time.
Liam: You don’t say! (We see Ross who is hopping about with the ball and spikes it in his face.)
Emily: (to Ross) Good luck, babe.
(The scrum forms and the game is underway.)
Liam: Ross! Ross! Come on! Get in here! (Ross gets pumped up.) Ross! Come on!
(Ross walks over to the scrum, walks around a bit looking for a way to get into the scrum.)
Liam: Ross, come on! Get in the bloody scrum! Ross, get in!
(Ross, urged on by his team-mates, jumps on top of the scrum and falls headfirst into the middle, leaving his feet sticking straight up.)
Ross: JOEY!!!!!!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is going over some plans as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: You…are…not going to believe it! Joshua came into work today, and guess what happened?
Monica: He asked you out?!
Rachel: No. But I was showing him some cufflinks and I felt his pulse.
Monica: Saucy!
Rachel: (refers to the table) What are these?
Monica: Electrical plans for the building.
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay should I be scared?
Monica: I know that switch does something, okay? So-so I went down to city hall and got these. All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in line for three hours.
Rachel: Wow! If only more people knew.
[Scene: The airport, the Yemen Express counter, Chandler is still trying to get rid of Janice.]
Chandler: Y’know you, really didn’t have to take me to the airport.
Janice: Oh please. Every moment is precious. Y’know? Besides, somebody had to ride in that other taxi with the rest of your luggage, and your friends don’t really seem to care too much that you’re leaving.
Chandler: Well, we’re really not that close. (Pause) Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye then.
Janice: On no! No! It’s not good-bye, I’m not leaving until you get on that plane.
Chandler: Okay. Then I guess it’s just, wait here then. (Hands her the sign that says, Wait Here.") (To the ticket agent) Hi. I need one fake ticket to Yemen.
Ticket Counter Attendant: One ticket to Yemen?
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no. No, no, no, I just, I just need a pretend ticket.
Ticket Counter Attendant: I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand.
Chandler: What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with?
Ticket Counter Attendant: Are you travelling with a child?
Chandler: No. All right, y’know what, she’s (Points to Janice) gonna think that I’m handing you a credit card, but what I’m really gonna do is hand you a library card.
Ticket Counter Attendant: Ah, sir a ticket to Yemen is $2,100 and we don’t take library cards.
Janice: What’s the matter? Is something wrong? Do you have to stay?
Chandler: (to the ticket agent) American Express?
[Scene: The rugby game, Ross is getting killed.]
Emily: I can’t believe they’re doing that to him! I told them to go easy on him!
Phoebe: No offence but, y’know sometimes it’s hard to understand you, y’know with the accent, so…
(The whistle blows.)
Emily: That’s just halftime, there’s more of this.
(Ross limps over all covered in mud.)
Ross: Did you see me? I was pretty good, huh? That is one fun game!
Emily: Right.
Ross: (to Emily) Hey, could you do me a favour? Could you just grab me a bottle of water?
Emily: Okay.
Ross: Thanks. (When she’s gone he collapses into Joey.) I-I think I’m dying. I really do.
Phoebe: Oh, poor baby.
Ross: (to Phoebe) Tell my son that I love him. (Emily returns with the water.) Excellent! Well, okay, I gotta have some more fun!
Emily: Ross, they are killing you out there!
Ross: (whines "No.") That’s not true!
Phoebe: She’s right! You have to stop!
Ross: What? No! No, I’m not stopping. I’m Red Ross!
Joey: Dude, if you go back out there, you’re gonna be Dead Ross!
Ross: I don’t care! I am not quitting! I insist on finishing this game!
Emily: All right, all right, if you insist on doing this, at least let me help you.
Ross: No, God no! That is no place for a woman. Those guys will grab anything.
Emily: No. That’s not what I’m saying. I just may know a few things that might help you inflict some pain.
Ross: I like that.
Emily: Yeah? Listen closely, Devon has got a weak ankle.
Ross: Huh?
Emily: One swift kick and he’ll back off.
Ross: All right, bad ankle, got it!
Emily: And that big bloke with the beard, he has got a trick hip. Yeah. And uh, and David over there, I heard he doesn’t wear a cup.
Ross: Yeah? I can use that, trick hip, no cup, okay! Okay!
Emily: And uh, Liam, Liam’s got bad knees. You hit him right and he’ll go down like a lamp.
Ross: But-but, Liam’s on my team.
Emily: I don’t care! You just get him!
Ross: I’m gonna go get him! Okay, I am going back in! (Squeals like a madman.)
Joey: The Red Ross! Okay.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica is reading a book as Rachel returns.]
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: Hi!
Rachel: (noticing a bunch of pictures around the door that weren’t there originally.) What-what are-what are these?
Monica: Oh, just some pictures I made and hung up. I thought they’d brighten up the place. They do don’t you think?
(Rachel rips one of the wall and finds a huge hole underneath.)
Monica: No-no-no, no!
(Rachel rips off another one, revealing another hole. Rachel then moves onto a third one, but this one doesn’t have a hole underneath it.)
Monica: I know that there’s no hole there, I just really liked that picture.
(Rachel looks at it and then throws it away. She then removes a fourth one, revealing a third hole.)
Rachel: Oh my God! Look at this!
Monica: Okay, but there is a wire back there! I mean that switch is connected to something!
Rachel: I don’t care! The wires have come loose in your head!
Monica: I just thought that if I could follow the wire I could find out what it did.
Rachel: And did you?!
Monica: No. It disappears back there behind that baseboard. For a minute there, I thought it went downstairs.
(Rachel removes a paper on the floor which is covering a hole and gasps.)
Monica: But it didn’t. Say hello to Mrs. Chatracus.
Rachel: Oh my God.
Mrs. Chatracus: Hello darling.
Rachel: Hello, Mrs. Chatracus.
[Scene: Central Perk, They are returning from the rugby game, Joey and Emily are carrying Ross.]
Phoebe: Now, are you sure you don’t want to go see a doctor?
Ross: Oh no! That-that’ll just bring me down! This was great! I mean I-I-I was great! This is a great day! Y’know what? I’m buying everyone coffee. All right? If someone would just grab my wallet, it’s in my pocket.
Joey: Yeah, sure.
Ross: No, not you. (Emily gets it.)
Joey: Uhh, look, your eye’s still popping out a little, I’m gonna go get some ice.
Phoebe: Ooh, ice! I am so in the mood for ice! (They go and get the coffee and the ice leaving Ross and Emily alone.)
Emily: You were amazing out there.
Ross: Oh, I kinda was, wasn’t I?
Emily: Oh my God!
Ross: I made a man twice my size cry. I mean, I haven’t done that since I was four and I washed my dad’s Porsche with rocks.
Emily: You really enjoyed yourself didn’t you?
Ross: Please! Are you kidding? I-I hurt three huge men, I gave a guy a bloody nose—I mean I-I’m not proud of it but, I really am. And it’s all because of you, wonderful, amazing you.
Emily: I think you’ve got concussion.
Ross: No, no, I’m serious. Thank you.
Emily: You’re welcome. (She hugs him tightly and he winces.) I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?
Ross: It’s worth the pain. (She goes to hug him again.) Y’know what, you know what? It’s not.
[Scene: The airport, the flight to Yemen is being called.]
Ticket Counter Attendant: (on the P.A.) This is the final boarding call for Flight 664 to Yemen.
Chandler: Well, I-I guess I gotta go.
Janice: Oh, my Bing-a-ling. I’ll wait for you. Do you even know how long you’re going to be gone?
Chandler: Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel.
Janice: Oh. Well, I’ll right you everyday. (Reading the address) 15 Yemen Road, Yemen.
Chandler: Okay, good-bye. Good-bye.
(He gives the agent his ticket and walks onto the jetway. Janice walks over and looks out the window. Chandler walks back into the terminal and tries to walk right past Janice, but she sees him.)
Janice: Chandler?
Chandler: No!
Janice: Chandler!
Chandler: Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane!
Janice: No! No! I wanna see you take-off.
Chandler: Well, I then guess I’m going to Yemen! I’m going to Yemen! (To this old woman also going to Yemen.) When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel’s, Monica has finally given up on her search to find what the light switch does and is now flicking it on and off aimlessly.]
Monica: All right. The super couldn’t figure out what it did. A $200 an hour electrician couldn’t figure out what it did. I’ve had seven pretty serious shocks. I officially give up.
Rachel: Thank God.
Monica: I guess Joey was right, it does nothing.
[Cut to Chandler and Joey’s, Joey and Phoebe are watching TV. The TV is turning off and on, and each time Phoebe is blinking her eyes like the Genie did. The switch obviously controls the outlet which the TV is plugged into.]
Phoebe: See? I’m doing it. I am totally doing it. (Suddenly it stops working.) I lost it.
END