英語沙龍十年合集珍藏版第三輯Waiter From Hell
Waiter From Hell
Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience？Someone else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze every time it wants a chunk of cheese.
“Good evening, ”the maitre said. “Table for four？”
“Yes, thank you. ”
“Smoking or non？”
“Nonsmoking. ”
“Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening？”
“I guess indoors would be good. ”
“Very well, sir, ”he said. “Would you like to be seated in the main dining room or our lovely solarium1）？”
“Uh, let me see. . . uh. . . ”
“I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely solarium. ”
“I think the solarium would be lovely, ”I said. We followed him here.
“Now, would you prefer a view over looking the golf course, the sunset on the lake or the majestic2) mountains to the west？”
“Whatever you recommend, ”I said. Let him make a decision for a change, I thought.
He sat us by a window facing the golf course, the lake or the mountains. I couldn’t tell which because it was dark outside.
Then a young man better dressed and better looking than any of us presented himself at our table. “Good evening, my name is Paul, and I’ll be your waiter this evening. Would you like a few minutes before I take your order？”
“No, ”I said. “I’m just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so I’ll have the filet and a baked potato. ”
“Soup or salad？”
“Salad. ”
“We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm or a very fine endive salad with baby shrimp. ”
“Just a mixed-green salad, okay？”
“Whatever you say, sir. Dressing？”
I did’ t want to make another decision. “Whatever you’ve got will be fine. ”
“We have creamy Italian, blue cheese, vinaigrette3）, Thousand Island, honey Dijon, ranch. . . ”
“Just bring me one. ”
“Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be all right, sir？”
“Yeah. ”I was curt.
“And your baked potato. . . ”
I knew what was coming. “I just want the baked potato dry, you understand？I don’t want anything on it. ”
“No butter？No sour cream？”
“No. ”
“No chives？”
“No. Don’t you understand English？”I shouted. “I don’t want anything on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak. ”
“Would you prefer the six-, eight-or 12-ounce steak, sir？”“Whatever. ”“Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done？”
“Pauly Boy, ”I said, “you are really starting to get me steamed. ”
“Which brings up the vegetables, sir？Would you like steamed broccoli4), creamed corn, diced carrots. . . ”
That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put my face right in his arrogant5) kisser and said, “How’d you like to settle this outside？”
“Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the side alley or the street in front of the restaurant？”“I prefer right here, ”I said, and sucker-punched him.
He ducked, then countered with a left hook right under my eye. It was the first time all night he hadn’t offered me a selection. I collapsed semiconscious6) into my chair.
I felt my tie being loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands slapping my face. When I regained my senses, I saw the very concerned maitre right in front of my nose. He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the paramedics7)――whatever I wanted.
“No, no, ”I said. “I’ll be all right. Just bring me a glass of water. ”
“Yes, sir, right away, ”He said. “Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water8) or soda with a wedge of lime？”
來自地獄的侍者
還記得不記得過去外出吃飯是件寬心愉快的事情？有人為你掌勺、服務, 你走后又為你收拾桌子。而你所要做的只是咀嚼、吞咽和付賬?？墒沁@已成了過去。今天外出吃飯, 你就像一只實驗室里的老鼠, 為了得到一塊奶酪, 你不得不在迷宮中四處亂竄。
“晚上好, ”領班說。“四位？”
“是的, 謝謝。”
“吸不吸煙？”
“不吸。”
“今晚你愿意在室內還是室外就餐？”
“我想室內要好些。”
“很好, 先生, ”他說。“你愿意坐在主餐廳呢, 還是我們漂亮的陽光廳呢？”
“嗯, 讓我想想。”
“坐在我們的陽光廳里, 你可以欣賞到美麗的景色。”
“我想就在陽光廳吧。”我回答道。然后我們跟著他走了進去。
“那么你是喜歡俯視高爾夫球場、湖畔落日、還是西山奇景呢？”
“隨便, ”我說。我想就讓他決定我們坐在哪兒吧。
他把我們引到一扇窗戶前坐下。我也不清楚外面究竟是高爾夫球場, 還是湖畔, 還是高山, 因為天已是漆黑一片。
這時, 一位穿得比我們當中任何人都瀟灑、長得比我們當中任何人都英俊的年輕人走到了我們的桌前。“晚上好。我叫保羅。今天晚上由我為你們服務。點菜前你們是否需要一點時間？”
“不用了, ”我說道。“只是隨便吃點東西。我只點魚片和烤土豆。”
“要不要湯或沙拉？”
“要一個沙拉。”
“我們有綠菜沙拉、棕櫚芯沙拉、還有一種精美的小蝦拌菊苣沙拉。”
“就點一個綠菜沙拉, 好嗎？”
“隨你的便, 先生。調料呢？”
我不想再挑了。“什么都可以。”
“我們有意大利乳醬、藍奶酪、醋油沙司、千島醬、第戎蜂蜜、農(nóng)場果醬……”
“隨便一種就行了。”“
意大利乳醬是我們店特制的。來點兒好嗎, 先生？“
“可以。”我生硬地答道。
“另外你的烤土豆……”
我知道他又要說什么了, 于是搶道, “我只要干烤土豆, 你明白嗎？土豆上面什么也不要放。”
“不放黃油？不放奶油？”
“不放。”
“也不放細香蔥？”
“不放。難道你聽不懂英語嗎？”我嚷了起來。“土豆上我什么也不要。就給我上道烤土豆和牛排。”
“
“隨便。”“你是要三成熟、四成熟、五成熟、六七成熟的, 還是完全煎熟的？”
“保羅老弟, ”我說道, “你這是快要把我蒸熟了。”
“先生, 你點什么蔬菜呢？是來點兒蒸椰菜、玉米糊, 還是胡蘿卜塊兒呢……”
我實在是忍無可忍了, 于是一把將餐巾扔到地上, 起身離席, 直盯著那小子傲慢的面孔說道：“你想不想到外面解決？”
“先生, 這沒問題。你是愿意到停車場、旁邊的胡同, 還是飯館前的大街上呢？”
“我看就在這里。”說著我便抽拳向他打去。
他低頭閃過, 隨即以一記左勾拳擊中了我的眼睛下部。這是整個晚上他頭一次沒有給我選擇的機會。我昏昏沉沉地栽倒在椅子上。
我感到領帶被拉松了, 領扣被解開了, 臉被人抽打著。當我終于清醒過來時, 眼皮底下卻換成了原先那十分關切的領班。他不停地對我抱歉著, 說要為我買一杯酒, 并找護理來---滿足我的一切要求。
“不了, 不了, ”我說。“我沒事兒。就給我拿一杯水好了。”
“是的, 先生。我馬上就辦。”他應聲道。“你是喜歡進口礦泉水、汽水, 還是加酸橙的蘇打水？”
NOTE 注釋：
solarium [sEu5lZEriEm] n. 日光室
majestic [mE5dVestik] adj. 宏偉的, 莊嚴的
vinaigrette [7vinei5^ret] n. 醋油沙司
broccoli [5brCkEli] n. 椰菜
arrogant [5ArE^Ent] adj. 傲慢的, 自大的
semiconscious [semI5kRnFEs] adj. 半意識的
paramedic [5pArE7medik] n. 護理人員
sparking water [5spB:kiN 5wC:tE] n. 汽水
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