《渺小一生》:然而，杰比也是他最早的朋友

　 “Thanks,” said JB. “So do you.”

“謝了?！苯鼙日f(shuō)，“你也是?！?

　 For twenty minutes or so, they discussed JB’s life: he had joined Crystal Meth Anonymous. He was going to live with his mother for another few months or so, and then decide what to do next. He was working again, on the same series he’d been working on before he went away.

有大約二十分鐘，他們談著杰比的生活：他加入了戒冰毒的自助團(tuán)體。他打算在母親家繼續(xù)住幾個(gè)月，再?zèng)Q定往后的事情。他又開(kāi)始工作了，繼續(xù)住院前就在做的那個(gè)系列。

　 “That’s great, JB,” he’d said. “I’m proud of you.”

“太好了，杰比。”他說(shuō)，“我真是以你為榮?！?

　 And then there was a silence, and they both stared at other people. A few tables away from him was a girl wearing a long gold necklace she kept winding and unwinding around her fingers. He watched her talk to her friend, wrapping and unwrapping her necklace, until she looked up at him and he looked away.

接下來(lái)是一段沉默，他們看著店里的其他人。隔著幾張桌子，有個(gè)年輕女郎戴了一條長(zhǎng)長(zhǎng)的金項(xiàng)鏈，不斷地把項(xiàng)鏈繞在手指上又松開(kāi)。他看著她跟她的朋友講話，項(xiàng)鏈繞起又松開(kāi)，直到她抬頭看著他，他才別開(kāi)眼睛。

　 “Jude,” JB began, “I wanted to tell you—completely sober—that I’m so sorry. It was horrible. It was—” He shook his head. “It was so cruel. I can’t—” He stopped again, and there was a silence. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

“裘德，”杰比開(kāi)口，“我想告訴你——我完全清醒了——我很抱歉。那件事太可怕了，太……”他搖搖頭，“那真的太殘忍了。我沒(méi)有……”他又停下來(lái)，沉默了一會(huì)兒。“對(duì)不起，”他說(shuō)，“我真的很抱歉。”

　 “I know you are, JB,” he said, and he felt a sort of sadness he’d never felt before. Other people had been cruel to him, had made him feel awful, but they hadn’t been people he loved, they hadn’t been people he had always hoped saw him as someone whole and undamaged. JB had been the first.

“我知道你很抱歉，杰比?！彼f(shuō)，忽然感到一種前所未有的哀傷。其他人曾經(jīng)對(duì)他殘忍，讓他感覺(jué)很糟糕，但那些都不是他深愛(ài)的人，他不會(huì)總是期盼那些人把他視為完整無(wú)損的。而杰比是第一個(gè)。

　 And yet JB had also been one of the first to be his friend. When he’d had the episode in college that had made his roommates take him to the hospital where he had met Andy, it had been JB, Andy later told him, who had carried him in, and JB who had demanded that he be seen first, who had made such an upset in the ER that he had been ejected—but not before a doctor had been summoned.

然而，杰比也是他最早的朋友之一。他在大學(xué)時(shí)期因?yàn)樘弁窗l(fā)作、被室友送去醫(yī)院而認(rèn)識(shí)安迪那回，安迪后來(lái)告訴他，是杰比抱他進(jìn)去的，而且要求醫(yī)生先看他，還因?yàn)榇篝[急診室被趕出去——但至少他先把醫(yī)生找來(lái)了。

　 He could see JB’s love for him in his paintings of him. He remembered one summer in Truro, watching JB sketch, and he had known from the expression on JB’s face, his little smile, and the lingering, delicate way his large forearm moved over the page, that he was drawing something he treasured, something that was dear to him. “What’re you drawing?” he’d asked, and JB had turned to him, and held up the notepad, and he had seen it was a picture of him, of his face.

在杰比畫(huà)他的那些作品中，他看得出杰比對(duì)他的愛(ài)。他還記得某個(gè)夏天在特魯羅，他看到杰比在素描，從杰比臉上的笑容，那個(gè)小小的微笑，還有那粗壯的前臂在紙上小心移動(dòng)的方式，就知道他在畫(huà)他很珍惜、很心愛(ài)的事物。“你在畫(huà)什么？”當(dāng)時(shí)他問(wèn)。杰比轉(zhuǎn)向他，舉起素描本，他看到上頭畫(huà)的是他，他的臉。

　 Oh, JB, he thought. Oh, I will miss you.

啊，杰比，他心想，啊，我會(huì)想念你的。

　 “Can you forgive me, Jude?” JB asked, and looked at him.

“你能原諒我嗎，裘德？”杰比看著他問(wèn)。

　 He didn’t have words, he could only shake his head. “I can’t, JB,” he said, finally. “I can’t. I can’t look at you without seeing—” He stopped. “I can’t,” he repeated. “I’m sorry, JB, I’m so sorry.”

他無(wú)話可說(shuō)，只能搖搖頭?！拔覜](méi)辦法，杰比。”最后他終于說(shuō)，“我沒(méi)辦法。我沒(méi)辦法看著你的臉而不想起……”他停下來(lái)。“我沒(méi)辦法。”他又說(shuō)了一次，“對(duì)不起，杰比，真的很對(duì)不起?！?

　 “Oh,” said JB, and he swallowed. They sat there for a long time, not saying anything.

“啊?！苯鼙日f(shuō)，然后他咽了口口水。他們又坐了好一會(huì)兒，什么話都沒(méi)說(shuō)。

　 “I’ll always want wonderful things for you,” he said to JB, who nodded, slowly, not looking at him.

“我會(huì)永遠(yuǎn)希望你有美好的人生?！彼麑?duì)杰比說(shuō)。杰比緩緩點(diǎn)頭，沒(méi)看他。

　 “Well,” JB said, finally, and stood, and he stood as well, and held his hand out to JB, who looked at it as if it were something alien, something he’d never seen before, examining it, squinting at it. And then at last he took it, but instead of shaking it, he lowered his lips to it and held them there. And then JB returned his hand to him and bumbled, nearly ran, out of the café, bumping against the little tables—“Sorry, sorry”—as he went.

“唔。”杰比最后終于開(kāi)口，并且站起來(lái)。他也站起來(lái)，朝杰比伸出一只手。杰比看著那手，好像那是外星來(lái)的，從沒(méi)見(jiàn)過(guò)，瞇著眼睛審視了一會(huì)，終于也伸出手握住，但是沒(méi)握著上下?lián)u晃，而是低頭，用嘴唇吻了那手一下。然后杰比放開(kāi)他的手，跌跌撞撞，幾乎是跑著離開(kāi)那家小餐館，還撞到了幾張小桌子，一邊說(shuō)著“對(duì)不起，對(duì)不起”。

　 He still sees JB now and then, mostly at parties, always in groups, and the two of them are polite and cordial with each other. They make small talk, which is the most painful thing. JB has never tried to hug or kiss him again; he comes over to him with his hand already outstretched, and he takes it, and they shake. He sent JB flowers—but with only the briefest of notes—when “Seconds, Minutes, Hours, Days” opened, and although he skipped the opening, he had gone to the gallery the following Saturday, on his way up to work, where he had spent an hour moving slowly from one painting to the next. JB had planned on including himself in this series, but in the end he hadn’t: there was just him, and Malcolm, and Willem. The paintings were beautiful, and as he looked at each, he thought not so much of the lives depicted in them, as of the life who created them—so many of these paintings were done when JB was at his most miserable, his most helpless, and yet they were self-assured, and subtle, and to see them was to imagine the empathy and tenderness and grace of the person who made them.

他偶爾會(huì)碰到杰比，大部分是在派對(duì)上，總是在人群中，兩人對(duì)彼此禮貌而熱誠(chéng)。他們會(huì)寒暄幾句，這是最痛苦的。杰比再也不會(huì)試著擁抱他或吻他，而是大老遠(yuǎn)就伸出手朝他走來(lái)，然后他接住，兩人握手。杰比的個(gè)展“秒，分，時(shí)，日”開(kāi)幕時(shí)，他請(qǐng)花店送花過(guò)去，但附上的卡片極其簡(jiǎn)短。開(kāi)幕日那天他沒(méi)去，但下一個(gè)星期六，在去加班途中，他繞到那間畫(huà)廊，逗留了一小時(shí)，慢條斯理地逐一欣賞那些畫(huà)。杰比的這個(gè)系列本來(lái)也打算要納入自己的一天，但最后還是沒(méi)有，只有他、馬爾科姆和威廉的一天。那些畫(huà)很美，他把每一幅都看了，想到的不是里面描繪的生活，而是杰比創(chuàng)造這些作品時(shí)的生活——其中很多是在杰比最凄慘、最無(wú)助的時(shí)候畫(huà)的，然而這些畫(huà)卻充滿自信，而且精致?？粗@些作品，會(huì)讓人感受到創(chuàng)作者的同情心、溫柔和優(yōu)雅。

　 Malcolm has remained friends with JB, although he felt the need to apologize to him for this fact. “Oh no, Malcolm,” he’d said, once Malcolm had confessed, asking him for his permission. “You should absolutely still be friends with him.” He doesn’t want JB to be abandoned by them all; he doesn’t want Malcolm to feel he has to prove his loyalty to him by disavowing JB. He wants JB to have a friend who’s known him since he was eighteen, since he was the funniest, brightest person in the school, and he and everyone else knew it.

馬爾科姆還是跟杰比維持著好友關(guān)系，但覺(jué)得有必要為此跟他道歉。于是馬爾科姆找了他，把這件事說(shuō)開(kāi)，希望他認(rèn)可。“啊不，馬爾科姆，”他說(shuō)，“你當(dāng)然應(yīng)該跟他維持好友關(guān)系啊?！彼幌Ｍ鼙缺凰麄兯腥藪仐墸幌ＭR爾科姆覺(jué)得必須背棄杰比以證明自己的忠誠(chéng)。他希望杰比有個(gè)從18歲開(kāi)始就認(rèn)識(shí)他的老友，從他是全校最搞笑、最聰明的人時(shí)開(kāi)始，而他和每個(gè)人都很清楚這一點(diǎn)。

　 But Willem has never spoken to JB again. Once JB returned from rehab, he called JB and said that he couldn’t be friends with him any longer, and that JB knew why. And that had been the end. He had been surprised by this, and saddened, because he had always loved watching JB and Willem laugh together, and spar with each other, and loved having them tell him about their lives: they were both so fearless, so bold; they were his emissaries to a less inhibited, more joyful world. They had always known how to take pleasure from everything, and he had always admired that in them, and had been grateful that they had been willing to share it with him.

不過(guò)，威廉再也不跟杰比來(lái)往了。杰比一從勒戒中心出來(lái)，威廉就打電話給杰比，說(shuō)他沒(méi)辦法再跟他當(dāng)朋友了，還說(shuō)杰比自己很清楚為什么。于是他們的友誼告終了。這件事令他很驚訝，也很難過(guò)，因?yàn)樗恢焙軔?ài)看杰比和威廉一起大笑、一起斗嘴，而且很愛(ài)聽(tīng)他們?cè)V說(shuō)他們的生活。他們兩個(gè)都那么無(wú)畏、那么勇敢，他們是他派出去的特使，從一個(gè)不太拘謹(jǐn)、比較歡樂(lè)的世界帶回訊息來(lái)給他。他們總是懂得如何享受各種事物，他也一直佩服他們這一點(diǎn)，很感激他們?cè)敢馀c他分享。

　 “You know, Willem,” he said once, “I hope the reason you’re not talking to JB isn’t because of what happened with me.”

“你知道，威廉，”有回他說(shuō)，“我希望你不跟杰比來(lái)往的原因，不是跟我有關(guān)的那件事。”

　 “Of course it’s because of what happened with you,” Willem had said.

“當(dāng)然是因?yàn)楦阌嘘P(guān)的那件事。”威廉說(shuō)。

　 “But that’s not a reason,” he’d said.

“可是那不是理由?！彼f(shuō)。