《渺小一生》:我準(zhǔn)備好了，他說(shuō)，我準(zhǔn)備好了

　 Back at the house, the beating continued, and over the next days, the next weeks, he was beat more. Not regularly—he never knew when it might happen next—but often enough so that coupled with his lack of food, he was always dizzy, he was always weak: he felt he would never have the strength to run again. As he feared, the sex also got worse, and he was made to do things that he was never able to talk about, not to anyone, not even to himself, and again, although it wasn’t always terrifying, it was often enough so that he lived in a constant half daze of fear, so that he knew that he would die in Dr. Traylor’s house. One night he had a dream of himself as a man, a real adult, but he was still in the basement and waiting for Dr. Traylor, and he knew in the dream that something had happened to him, that he had lost his mind, that he was like his roommate in the home, and he woke and prayed that he might die soon. During the daytime, as he slept, he dreamed of Brother Luke, and when he woke from those dreams he realized how much Luke had always protected him, how well he had treated him, how kind he had been to him. He had limped to the top of the wooden staircase then, and thrown himself down it, and then had pulled himself up and had done it again.

回到屋里，他繼續(xù)挨揍，而且接下來(lái)幾天、幾星期，他也挨了揍。不是每天（他從來(lái)不知道下次會(huì)是什么時(shí)候），但是夠頻繁，加上缺乏食物，他總是覺(jué)得暈眩、虛弱，他覺(jué)得自己再也不會(huì)有力氣跑了。一如他所害怕的，性交的狀況也惡化了，他被迫去做一些他永遠(yuǎn)無(wú)法說(shuō)出口的事，對(duì)任何人都沒(méi)辦法，甚至連對(duì)自己都沒(méi)辦法。而且同樣地，盡管不是每次都很可怕，但也經(jīng)常發(fā)生，讓他一直處在半暈眩的害怕?tīng)顟B(tài)，他知道自己會(huì)死在特雷勒醫(yī)生的屋子里了。有天夜里，他夢(mèng)到自己變成大人，真正的成年人，但還是在地下室里等特雷勒醫(yī)生，而且在夢(mèng)里他知道自己出事了，他已經(jīng)瘋了，就像他在少年之家的室友那樣，于是醒來(lái)時(shí)他祈禱自己趕快死掉。白天睡覺(jué)時(shí)，他夢(mèng)到了盧克修士，醒來(lái)后他才明白盧克以前一直多么護(hù)著他，對(duì)他有多好，他一直對(duì)他那么仁慈。然后他踉蹌爬到木階梯頂端，往下摔，接著爬起來(lái)，再摔一次。

　 And then one day (Three months later? Four? Later, Ana would tell him that Dr. Traylor had said it was twelve weeks after he had found him at the gas station), Dr. Traylor said, “I’m tired of you. You’re dirty and you disgust me and I want you to leave.”

之后有一天（三個(gè)月后？四個(gè)月后？后來(lái)安娜告訴他，特雷勒醫(yī)生說(shuō)那是他在加油站發(fā)現(xiàn)他之后的第十二周），特雷勒醫(yī)生說(shuō)：“我厭倦你了。你好臟，讓我覺(jué)得惡心，我希望你離開(kāi)。”

　 He couldn’t believe it. But then he remembered to speak. “Okay,” he said, “okay. I’ll leave now.”

他不敢相信。但接著他才想起要說(shuō)話(huà)?！昂冒桑彼f(shuō)，“好吧，我現(xiàn)在就離開(kāi)?！?

　 “No,” said Dr. Traylor, “you’ll leave how I want you to leave.”

“不，”特雷勒醫(yī)生說(shuō)，“你會(huì)照我希望的方式離開(kāi)?！?

　 For several days, nothing happened, and he assumed that this too had been a lie, and he was grateful that he hadn’t gotten too excited, that he was finally able to recognize a lie when he was told it. Dr. Traylor had begun to serve him his meals on a fold of the day’s newspaper, and one day he looked at the date and realized it was his birthday. “I am fifteen,” he announced to the quiet room, and hearing himself say those words—the hopes, the fantasies, the impossibilities that only he knew lay behind them—he was sick. But he didn’t cry: his ability to not cry was his only accomplishment, the only thing he could take pride in.

接下來(lái)好幾天，什么事都沒(méi)發(fā)生，他猜想特雷勒醫(yī)生又在撒謊了，還很慶幸自己沒(méi)有太興奮，慶幸他聽(tīng)到謊言時(shí)終于有辦法辨認(rèn)了。特雷勒醫(yī)生開(kāi)始用當(dāng)天的報(bào)紙裝食物給他，有天他看著上頭的日期，發(fā)現(xiàn)是他的生日?！拔?5歲了?！彼麑?duì)著安靜的房間說(shuō)，聽(tīng)著自己說(shuō)這些話(huà)，他很想吐——只有他知道這句話(huà)背后的種種希望、種種幻想、種種不可能。但他沒(méi)哭：練出不哭的能力是他唯一的成就，是他唯一值得驕傲的事。

　 And then one night Dr. Traylor came downstairs with his fire poker. “Get up,” he said, and jabbed him in the back with the poker as he fumblingly climbed the stairs, falling to his knees and getting up again and tripping again and standing again. He was prodded all the way to the front door, which was ajar, just slightly, and then outside, into the night. It was still cold, and still wet, but even through his fear he could recognize that the weather was changing, that even as time had suspended itself for him, it had not for the rest of the world, in which the seasons had marched on uncaringly; he could smell the air turning green. Next to him was a bare bush with a black branch, but at its very tip it was sprouting buboes of pale lilac, and he stared at it frantically, trying to seize a picture of it and hold it in his mind, before he was poked forward.

然后有天夜晚，特雷勒醫(yī)生帶著他的撥火棒下樓?！捌饋?lái)?！彼f(shuō)。他笨手笨腳地爬上樓梯，跪倒又起來(lái)，又絆倒，再爬起來(lái)，醫(yī)生一直用撥火棒戳他的背部。他一路被戳著來(lái)到前門(mén)，門(mén)微微開(kāi)了一條縫，他走出去，進(jìn)入夜色中。外頭還是很冷、很濕，即使在恐懼中，他還是看得出氣候正在變化，即使時(shí)間對(duì)他而言停止了，但對(duì)世界的其他部分并非如此，季節(jié)依然無(wú)情地往前走；他聞得出空氣變綠了。他旁邊是一叢只剩黑色樹(shù)枝的灌木，但尖端剛冒出有如淋巴腺腫一般的淡紫色新芽，他狂亂地瞪著，想抓住那個(gè)畫(huà)面留在心中，接著又被戳著往前走。

　 At the car Dr. Traylor held open the trunk and jabbed him again with the fire poker, and he could hear himself making sounds like sobs, but he wasn’t crying, and he climbed inside, although he was so weak that Dr. Traylor had to help him, pinching the sleeve of his shirt between his fingers so he wouldn’t have to actually touch him.

來(lái)到汽車(chē)旁，特雷勒醫(yī)生打開(kāi)后行李廂，又用撥火棒戳他，他聽(tīng)到自己發(fā)出類(lèi)似啜泣的聲音，但是沒(méi)有哭。他爬進(jìn)去，他很虛弱，還要特雷勒醫(yī)生幫著他，手指捏著他的襯衫袖子，以免碰到他。

　 They drove. The trunk was clean and large, and he rolled about in it, feeling them go around corners and up hills and down hills, and then along long stretches of plain, even road. And then the car swerved left and he was being bounced along some uneven surface and then the car stopped.

車(chē)子往前行駛，后行李廂又大又干凈。他在里頭滾動(dòng)，覺(jué)得他們轉(zhuǎn)來(lái)轉(zhuǎn)去，上坡之后又下坡，然后走過(guò)一長(zhǎng)段又直又平的路。接著車(chē)子往左轉(zhuǎn)，經(jīng)過(guò)一片崎嶇不平的路面，好不容易才停下來(lái)。

　 For a while, three minutes—he counted—nothing happened, and he listened and listened but he could hear nothing, just his own breaths, his own heart.

有好一會(huì)兒，他數(shù)了有三分鐘，什么動(dòng)靜都沒(méi)有。他努力聽(tīng)了又聽(tīng)，但是什么都聽(tīng)不到，只聽(tīng)到自己的呼吸聲和心跳聲。

　 The trunk opened, and Dr. Traylor helped him out, plucking his shirt, and shoved him to the front of the car with the fire poker. “Stay there,” he said, and he did, shivering, watching the doctor get back into the car, roll down the window, lean out at him. “Run,” the doctor said, and when he stood there, frozen, “you like running so much, right? So run.” And Dr. Traylor started the engine and finally, he woke and ran.

后行李廂打開(kāi)，特雷勒醫(yī)生抓著他的袖子幫他爬出來(lái)，用撥火棒把他推到汽車(chē)前面?！按谀抢铩！彼f(shuō)。于是他站在那里，全身發(fā)抖，看著醫(yī)生倒車(chē)，搖下車(chē)窗，探出頭來(lái)看著他。“跑?！贬t(yī)生說(shuō)，看他還呆站在那里，“你不是很愛(ài)跑嗎？那就跑啊?！比缓筇乩桌蔗t(yī)生發(fā)動(dòng)引擎，終于，他醒悟過(guò)來(lái)開(kāi)始跑。

　 They were in a field, a large barren square of dirt where there would in a few weeks be grass but now there was nothing, just patches of shallow ice that broke under his bare feet like pottery, and small white pebbles that glowed like stars. The field dipped in the middle, just slightly, and on his right was the road. He couldn’t see how big the road was, only that there was one, but there were no cars passing. To his left the field was fenced with wire, but it was farther away, and he couldn’t see what lay beyond the wire.

他們?cè)谝黄镆袄铮淮笃帐幉幻哪嗤恋?，再過(guò)幾個(gè)星期就會(huì)長(zhǎng)滿(mǎn)青草，但現(xiàn)在什么都沒(méi)有，只有一片片薄冰在他的赤腳底下宛如陶片般破裂，還有小小的白色圓石有如星星般發(fā)亮。這塊田地中間稍微低一點(diǎn)，田地右邊是馬路，他看不到那條路有多大，只知道有條路，但沒(méi)有車(chē)子經(jīng)過(guò)。田地左邊圍著鐵絲網(wǎng)籬笆，但是太遠(yuǎn)了，他看不到籬笆后面是什么。

　 He ran, the car just behind him. At first it actually felt good to be running, to be outdoors, to be away from that house: even this, the ice under his feet like glass, the wind smacking against his face, the tap of the fender as it nudged against the back of his legs, even all this was better than that house, that room with its cinder-block walls and window so small it was no window at all.

他奔跑著，那輛汽車(chē)緊跟在他后頭。一開(kāi)始，能夠奔跑、能夠來(lái)到戶(hù)外、能遠(yuǎn)離那棟房子的感覺(jué)其實(shí)很好，即使是像眼前這樣，腳底下的冰像玻璃，狂風(fēng)猛撲著他的臉，汽車(chē)保險(xiǎn)桿不時(shí)輕推一下他的雙腿后方，即使這一切，都要好過(guò)那棟房子，好過(guò)那個(gè)以煤渣磚砌墻、窗子小得根本不算窗子的地下室。

　 He ran. Dr. Traylor followed him, and sometimes he would accelerate, and he would run faster. But he couldn’t run like he used to run, and he fell, and fell again. Each time he fell, the car would slow, and Dr. Traylor would call out—not angrily, not even loudly—“Get up. Get up and run; get up and run or we’re going back to the house,” and he would make himself stand and run again.

他奔跑著。特雷勒醫(yī)生跟著他，有時(shí)會(huì)加速，他就跑得更快。但他沒(méi)法跑得像以前那樣，他跌倒了，然后又跌一次。每回他跌倒，車(chē)子就會(huì)減速，特雷勒醫(yī)生就朝他喊——沒(méi)生氣，甚至也不大聲——“起來(lái)。起來(lái)繼續(xù)跑；起來(lái)繼續(xù)跑，不然我們就回屋子里?！庇谑撬谱约赫酒饋?lái)再跑。

　 He ran. He didn’t know then that this was the last time in his life that he would ever run, and much later he would wonder: If I had known that, would I have been able to run faster? But of course it was an impossible question, a non-question, an axiom with no solution. He fell again and again, and on the twelfth time, he was moving his mouth, trying to say something, but nothing would come out. “Get up,” he heard the man say. “Get up. The next time you fall will be the last,” and he got up again.

他奔跑著。當(dāng)時(shí)他不知道這會(huì)是他這輩子最后一次奔跑了，直到很后來(lái)，他會(huì)納悶：如果我知道那是最后一次，有辦法跑得更快嗎？當(dāng)然這是一個(gè)不可能的問(wèn)題，一個(gè)不是問(wèn)題的問(wèn)題，一個(gè)沒(méi)有解答的公理。他跌倒了一次又一次，到了第十二次，他動(dòng)著嘴巴，想說(shuō)話(huà)卻說(shuō)不出來(lái)。“起來(lái)，”他聽(tīng)到特雷勒醫(yī)生說(shuō)，“起來(lái)。下次你再跌倒，就是最后一次了?！庇谑撬终酒饋?lái)。

　 By this time he was no longer running, he was walking and stumbling, he was crawling from the car and the car was bumping against him harder and harder. Make this stop, he thought, make this stop. He remembered—who had told him this? one of the brothers, but which one?—a story of a piteous little boy, a boy, he had been told, in much worse circumstances than he was in, who after being so good for so long (another way in which he and the boy had been different), prayed one night to God to take him: I’m ready, the boy said in the story, I’m ready, and an angel, terrible and golden-winged, with eyes that burned with fire, appeared and wrapped his wings around the boy and the boy turned to cinders and was gone, released from this world.

這回他不再跑了，而是踉蹌著往前走，他緩緩離開(kāi)那輛汽車(chē)，車(chē)子輕撞著他，越來(lái)越用力。讓這停下來(lái)，他心想，讓這一切停下來(lái)。他想起一個(gè)故事（是誰(shuí)告訴他的？某個(gè)修士，但哪一個(gè)？），關(guān)于一個(gè)很可憐的小男孩，修士說(shuō)，狀況比他悲慘得多，長(zhǎng)期以來(lái)一直很乖（他和這小男孩的另一個(gè)不同點(diǎn)）。有天晚上他祈禱上帝帶走他：我準(zhǔn)備好了，故事里的小男孩說(shuō)，我準(zhǔn)備好了。然后一個(gè)可怕的天使出現(xiàn)了，生著金色的翅膀，雙眼焚燒著火，那對(duì)翅膀包住小男孩，那男孩就變?yōu)槊涸Я?，離開(kāi)了這個(gè)世界。

　 I’m ready, he said, I’m ready, and he waited for the angel with his awful, fearsome beauty to come save him.

我準(zhǔn)備好了，他說(shuō)，我準(zhǔn)備好了，他等著那可怕、令人畏懼的絕美天使來(lái)救他。

　 The last time he fell, he couldn’t get up again. “Get up!” he heard Dr. Traylor yell. “Get up!” But he couldn’t. And then he heard the engine start again, and he felt the headlights coming toward him, two streams of fire like the angel’s eyes, and he turned his head to the side and waited, and the car came toward him and then over him and it was done.

最后一次他跌倒，再也爬不起來(lái)了?！捌饋?lái)！”他聽(tīng)到特雷勒醫(yī)生吼道，“起來(lái)！”但是他爬不起來(lái)。接著他聽(tīng)到引擎又開(kāi)始運(yùn)轉(zhuǎn)，感覺(jué)車(chē)頭大燈朝他逼近，兩道火光像那天使的眼睛，于是他頭轉(zhuǎn)向一邊等著，那車(chē)沖向他，然后碾過(guò)他，到此為止。

　 And that was the end. After that, he became an adult. As he lay in the hospital, Ana sitting by his side, he made promises to himself. He evaluated the mistakes he had made. He never had known whom to trust: he had followed anyone who had shown him any kindness. After, though, he decided that he would change this. No longer would he trust people so quickly. No longer would he have sex. No longer would he expect to be saved.

那就是結(jié)局。之后，他就變?yōu)槌扇肆?。?dāng)他躺在醫(yī)院里，安娜坐在他旁邊時(shí)，他向自己做出種種承諾。他評(píng)估自己犯過(guò)的種種錯(cuò)誤，發(fā)現(xiàn)自己從來(lái)不懂該信任誰(shuí)，只知道應(yīng)該跟著向他表達(dá)過(guò)善意的人。但是以后，他心想，他決定要改變這個(gè)狀態(tài)了。他再也不要這么快就信任他人，他再也不要性交，他再也不要期盼會(huì)被拯救。

　 “It’ll never be this bad,” Ana used to say to him in the hospital. “Things’ll never be this bad again,” and although he knew she meant the pain, he also liked to think she meant his life in general: that with every year, things would get better. And she had been right: things did get better. And Brother Luke had been right as well, because when he was sixteen, his life changed. A year after Dr. Traylor, he was in the college he had dreamed of; with every day he didn’t have sex, he was becoming cleaner and cleaner. His life became more improbable by the year. Every year, his own good fortunes multiplied and intensified, and he was astonished again and again by the things and generosities that were bequeathed to him, by the people who entered his life, people so different from the people he had known that they seemed to be another species altogether: How, after all, could Dr. Traylor and Willem both be named the same sort of being? How could Father Gabriel and Andy? How could Brother Luke and Harold? Did what existed in the first group also exist in the second, and if so, how had that second group chosen otherwise, how had they chosen what to become? Things had not just corrected themselves; they had reversed themselves, to an almost absurd degree. He had gone from nothing to an embarrassing bounty. He would remember, then, Harold’s claim that life compensated for its losses, and he would realize the truth of that, although sometimes it would seem like life had not just compensated for itself but had done so extravagantly, as if his very life was begging him to forgive it, as if it were piling riches upon him, smothering him in all things beautiful and wonderful and hoped-for so he wouldn’t resent it, so he would allow it to keep moving him forward. And so, as the years went by, he broke his promises to himself again and again. He did end up following people who were kind to him. He did trust people again. He did have sex again. He did hope to be saved. And he was right to do so: not every time, of course, but most of the time. He ignored what the past had taught him and more often than he should have been, he was rewarded for it. He regretted none of it, not even the sex, because he had had it with hope, and to make someone else happy, someone who had given him everything.

“以后不會(huì)這么糟了，”安娜在醫(yī)院里總是這么告訴他，“事情再也不會(huì)這么糟了?！彼浪傅氖翘弁矗苍敢庹J(rèn)為她指的是他整體的人生：隨著每一年過(guò)去，狀況就會(huì)好轉(zhuǎn)一些。結(jié)果她說(shuō)得沒(méi)錯(cuò)：的確是越來(lái)越好。盧克修士說(shuō)得也沒(méi)有錯(cuò)，因?yàn)楫?dāng)他滿(mǎn)16歲時(shí)，他的人生改變了。碰到特雷勒醫(yī)生的一年后，他進(jìn)了夢(mèng)想中的大學(xué)；每天都沒(méi)有性生活，他變得越來(lái)越干凈。他的人生隨著每一年的過(guò)去變得越來(lái)越令人難以置信。每一年，他的好運(yùn)都會(huì)成倍地增加并且增強(qiáng)，他一次又一次地驚嘆自己碰到的種種好事和慷慨之舉，驚嘆走進(jìn)他生命的那些人。那些人跟他以前認(rèn)識(shí)的人實(shí)在太不同了，簡(jiǎn)直是一個(gè)完全不同的物種。歸根結(jié)底，特雷勒醫(yī)生和威廉怎么可能被命名為同一種生物？還有蓋柏瑞神父和安迪呢？盧克修士和哈羅德呢？第一組人身上存在的特質(zhì)，也存在于第二組嗎？若是如此，第二組人怎么會(huì)選擇另一種特質(zhì)，怎么會(huì)選擇變成那樣呢？種種事物不但自行修正，根本是逆轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)來(lái)，到了幾乎荒謬的程度。他從一無(wú)所有，變成富裕得令人難為情。然后他想起，哈羅德曾宣稱(chēng)人生會(huì)自行彌補(bǔ)之前的損失。他明白這是真的，雖然有時(shí)感覺(jué)人生不光是自行彌補(bǔ)，還彌補(bǔ)得太過(guò)頭了，好像他的人生在乞求他的原諒，好像他的人生把財(cái)富堆到他頭上，用種種美麗、神奇與他期盼中的事物淹沒(méi)他，好讓他不要恨它，讓它繼續(xù)推著他往前走。于是，一年接著一年過(guò)去，他一次又一次打破對(duì)自己的種種承諾。他終于又去跟隨向他表達(dá)善意的人。他又再度信任他人。他又有性生活了。他又希望被拯救了。他這樣做是對(duì)的：當(dāng)然不是每一次，但大部分時(shí)候都是對(duì)的。他不理會(huì)過(guò)去給他的教訓(xùn)，而且超過(guò)應(yīng)該有的頻率，也因此得到了回報(bào)。他沒(méi)有一丁點(diǎn)后悔，連性愛(ài)的部分都不后悔，因?yàn)樗龅臅r(shí)候抱著希望，知道這樣可以讓另一個(gè)人快樂(lè)，而這個(gè)人給了他一切。

　 One night shortly after he and Willem had become a couple, they had been at a dinner party at Richard’s, a raucous, casual affair of just people they loved and people they liked—JB and Malcolm and Black Henry Young and Asian Henry Young and Phaedra and Ali and all of their boyfriends and girlfriends, their husbands and wives. He was in the kitchen helping Richard prepare dessert, and JB came in—he was a little drunk—and put his arm around his neck and kissed him on the cheek. “Well, Judy,” he said, “you really ended up with it all in the end, didn’t you? The career, the money, the apartment, the man. How’d you get so lucky?” JB had grinned at him, and he had grinned back. He was glad Willem wasn’t there to overhear that comment, because he knew Willem would get testy at what he saw as JB’s jealousy, at his conviction that everyone else had, and had had, life easier than he did, that he, Jude, was blessed in a way that no one else was.

他和威廉成為一對(duì)之后沒(méi)多久，某天晚上他們?nèi)チ死聿榈录业耐聿团蓪?duì)。那個(gè)派對(duì)喧鬧而輕松，來(lái)的只有他們深?lèi)?ài)和喜歡的人——杰比、馬爾科姆、黑亨利·楊、亞裔亨利·楊、菲德拉、阿里和他們的男友或女友、丈夫或太太。他在廚房里幫理查德準(zhǔn)備甜點(diǎn)時(shí)，杰比跑進(jìn)來(lái)，有點(diǎn)喝醉了，把一只手搭在他肩膀上，吻了他的臉頰。“好吧，小裘，”他說(shuō)，“到頭來(lái)你真的什么都有了，對(duì)吧？事業(yè)、金錢(qián)、公寓、伴侶。你怎么會(huì)這么幸運(yùn)?。俊苯鼙冗肿鞂?duì)著他笑，他也咧嘴笑了。他很高興威廉沒(méi)在現(xiàn)場(chǎng)聽(tīng)到這段話(huà)，因?yàn)樗劳畷?huì)發(fā)火，因?yàn)橥畷?huì)覺(jué)得杰比是嫉妒，深信別人的人生都比他容易，而裘德更是幸運(yùn)得沒(méi)人比得上。