《渺小一生》:接下來六天就是這么度過的

　 He tried to conserve his energy the next day. He was too twitchy to read, and he had to keep himself from pacing the floor. He saved that day’s sandwich and stuffed it into the pocket of the borrowed sweatpants so he would have something to eat if he had to hide for a long period. In the other pocket he shoved the plastic bag that lined the trash can in the bathroom—he thought he could tear it in half and make shoes for himself once he was safely out of Dr. Traylor’s reach. And then he waited.

次日他試圖保留體力，整天焦躁得沒法閱讀，還得逼自己不要在地下室里踱步。他把午餐的三明治留著，塞在借來的運(yùn)動(dòng)褲口袋里，這樣如果他必須在哪里躲久一點(diǎn)，就有東西可以吃。他在另一個(gè)褲子口袋塞了浴室垃圾桶里鋪的塑料袋，等到安全脫離特雷勒醫(yī)生的控制后，就可以把垃圾袋撕成兩半套在腳上當(dāng)鞋子穿。然后他靜靜地等待著。

　 But that night he wasn’t let out of the room at all. From his perch near the flap, he could see the living room lights turning on, he could smell food cooking. “Dr. Traylor?” he called. “Hello?” But there was silence except for the sound of meat frying in a pan, the evening’s news on the television. “Dr. Traylor!” he called. “Please, please!” But nothing happened, and after calling and calling, he was spent, and slumped back down the stairs.

但那天晚上，特雷勒醫(yī)生根本沒放他出去。他蹲在樓梯頂?shù)男￠T邊，看到客廳里的燈打開了，聞到了烹煮食物的氣味。“特雷勒醫(yī)生？”他喊道，“哈嘍？”但屋里一片安靜，只有鍋里煎肉的聲音，還有電視正播放著晚間新聞?！疤乩桌蔗t(yī)生！”他喊道，“拜托，拜托！”但什么都沒發(fā)生。他喊了又喊，喊到?jīng)]有力氣，只好又下了樓梯。

　 That night he had a dream that on the upper floor of the house was a series of other bedrooms, all with low beds and round tufted rugs beneath them, and that each bed held a boy: some of the boys were older, because they had been in the house for a long time, and some were younger. None of them knew that the others existed; none of them could hear one another. He realized that he didn’t know the physical dimensions of the house, and in the dream the house became a skyscraper, filled with hundreds of rooms, of cells, each containing a different boy, each waiting for Dr. Traylor to let him out. He woke, then, gasping, and ran to the top of the stairs, but when he pushed against the flap, it didn’t move. He lifted it up and saw that the hole had been closed with a piece of gray plastic, and as hard as he pushed against it, it wouldn’t budge.

那一夜，他夢(mèng)見這房子的樓上還有一連串其他臥室，都有低矮的床和鋪在底下的圓形地毯，每張床上都有個(gè)男孩，有的年紀(jì)大一點(diǎn)，已經(jīng)在這屋子關(guān)了很久，有的年紀(jì)小一點(diǎn)。沒有一個(gè)人知道其他人的存在；沒有一個(gè)人聽得見其他人。然后他才想到，自己根本不知道這棟房子到底有幾層樓，夢(mèng)里的房子變成一棟摩天大廈，里面有幾百個(gè)房間、牢房，每一間都關(guān)著不同的男孩，每個(gè)人都等著特雷勒醫(yī)生放他們出去。然后他猛喘著氣醒來，跑到樓梯頂，推著門下方小洞上的橡膠蓋，但是推不動(dòng)。然后他掀開那塊蓋板，發(fā)現(xiàn)那個(gè)洞被一塊灰色塑料板封住了。無論他怎么用力推，那塊板子完全不動(dòng)。

　 He didn’t know what to do. He tried to stay up the rest of the night, but he fell asleep, and when he woke, there was the tray with his breakfast and his lunch and two pills: one for the morning, one for evening. He pinched the pills between his fingers and considered them—if he didn’t take them, he wouldn’t get better, and Dr. Traylor wouldn’t touch him unless he was well. But if he didn’t take them, then he wouldn’t get better, and he knew from prior experience how awful he would feel, how almost unimaginably filthy he would be, as if his entire self, inside and out, had been sprayed with excrement. He began to rock himself, then. What do I do, he asked, what do I do? He thought of the fat truck driver, the one who had been kind to him. Help me, he begged him, help me.

他不知道該怎么辦。那一夜他想撐著不睡，但還是睡著了，醒來時(shí)，發(fā)現(xiàn)有個(gè)托盤上放著他的早餐、午餐和兩顆藥丸：早上一顆，晚上一顆。他手指拿起藥丸思索著：如果他不吃藥，身體就不會(huì)好轉(zhuǎn)，在他痊愈之前，特雷勒醫(yī)生就不會(huì)碰他。但如果他不吃，就不會(huì)好轉(zhuǎn)，根據(jù)從前的經(jīng)驗(yàn)，他知道自己會(huì)有多難受，會(huì)變得難以想象地骯臟，好像整個(gè)人從里到外都噴上了糞便。然后他開始搖晃，我該怎么辦？他問，我該怎么辦？他想起那個(gè)肥胖的卡車司機(jī)，對(duì)他很好的那位。幫我，他哀求他，幫幫我。

　 Brother Luke, he pled, help me, help me.

盧克修士，他求情著，幫幫我，幫幫我。

　 Once again, he thought: I have made the wrong decision. I have left somewhere where I at least had the outdoors, and school, and where I knew what was going to happen to me. And now I have none of those things.

再一次，他心想：我做錯(cuò)決定了。我離開了一個(gè)至少還有戶外，還有學(xué)校，而且知道會(huì)有什么事發(fā)生在我身上的地方。現(xiàn)在這些都沒有了。

　 You’re so stupid, the voice inside him said, you’re so stupid.

你太笨了，他心里那個(gè)聲音說，你太笨了。

　 For six more days it went on like this: his food would appear sometime when he was sleeping. He took the pills; he couldn’t not.

接下來六天就是這么度過的：他的食物會(huì)在他睡著時(shí)出現(xiàn)。他吃下藥丸，不能不吃。

　 On the tenth day, the door opened, and Dr. Traylor was standing there. He was so alarmed, so surprised, that he hadn’t been prepared, but before he could stand, Dr. Traylor had closed the door and was coming toward him. Over one shoulder he held an iron fire poker, loosely, as one would a baseball bat, and as he came toward him, he was terrified by it: What did it mean? What would be done to him with it?

到了第十天，門打開了，特雷勒醫(yī)生站在那里。他太驚恐、太驚訝了，一點(diǎn)準(zhǔn)備都沒有，但他還沒站起來，特雷勒醫(yī)生就關(guān)上門，朝他走過來。他手里輕松地握著一根鐵制撥火棒，扛在一邊的肩膀上，像扛著一根球棒似的。他走向他時(shí)，他被那撥火棒嚇壞了，那是什么意思？他會(huì)拿它來對(duì)他做什么？

　 “Take off your clothes,” Dr. Traylor said, still in his same bland voice, and he did, and Dr. Traylor swung the poker off his shoulder and he ducked, reflexively, lifting his arms over his head. He heard the doctor make his small wet noise. And then Dr. Traylor unbelted his pants and stood before him. “Take them down,” he said, and he did, but before he was able to begin, Dr. Traylor nudged him in the neck with the poker. “You try anything,” he said, “biting, anything, and I will beat you in the head with this until you become a vegetable, do you understand me?”

“脫掉你的衣服?！碧乩桌蔗t(yī)生說，同樣是那沒有高低起伏的口氣，他照做了。然后特雷勒醫(yī)生把撥火棒從肩上放下，他出自本能地立刻縮起身子，舉起雙臂護(hù)住頭。他聽到特雷勒醫(yī)生發(fā)出那潮濕的微弱聲音，然后他解開長(zhǎng)褲皮帶，站在他面前?！鞍验L(zhǎng)褲拉下去?！贬t(yī)生說。他照辦了，但他還沒來得及開始，特雷勒醫(yī)生就用撥火棒輕輕推著他的脖子?！澳愀腋闶裁椿?，”他說，“咬我或什么的，我就用這個(gè)打你的頭，打到你變成植物人，懂了沒？”

　 He nodded, too petrified to say anything. “Speak,” Dr. Traylor yelled, and he startled.

他點(diǎn)頭，恐慌得沒法開口?！罢f話。”特雷勒醫(yī)生大吼，他嚇了一跳。

　 “Yes,” he gulped. “Yes, I understand.”

“好，”他猛吸氣，“好，我懂了?！?

　 He was scared of Dr. Traylor, of course; he was scared of all of them. But it had never occurred to him to fight with the clients, had never occurred to him to challenge them. They were powerful and he was not. And Brother Luke had trained him too well. He was too obedient. He was, as Dr. Traylor had made him admit, a good prostitute.

他很怕特雷勒醫(yī)生，那是當(dāng)然；所有顧客他都怕。但他從來沒想過要反擊顧客，從來沒想過要挑戰(zhàn)他們。顧客們力氣很大，他卻不是。而且盧克修士把他訓(xùn)練得太好了。他太聽話了。一如特雷勒醫(yī)生逼他承認(rèn)的，他是個(gè)好男妓。

　 Every day was like this, and although the sex was no worse than what he’d had before, he remained convinced that it was a prelude, that it would eventually get very bad, very strange. He had heard stories from Brother Luke—he had seen videos—about things people did to one another: objects they used, props and weapons. A few times he had experienced these things himself. But he knew that in many ways he was lucky: he had been spared. The terror of what might be ahead of him was, in many ways, worse than the terror of the sex itself. At night he would imagine what he didn’t know to imagine and begin gasping with panic, his clothes—a different set of clothes now, but still not his clothes—becoming clammy with perspiration.

每一天都像這樣，盡管性交并不比以前碰到的糟，但他還是相信這只是前奏，最后一定會(huì)變得非常糟、非常怪。他聽盧克修士說過一些故事，還看過錄像，知道人們會(huì)對(duì)彼此做的事情：他們使用的對(duì)象、道具和武器。有少數(shù)幾回他自己也體驗(yàn)過這些東西。但他知道自己在很多方面都算幸運(yùn)了，他一直幸免于難。從很多方面來說，想到可能發(fā)生什么恐怖的事情，要比性交本身更可怕。夜里，他會(huì)想象他不知該怎么想象的事情，恐慌得猛喘氣，他的衣服被汗水浸得濕黏（現(xiàn)在換了一套，但依然不是他的衣服）。

　 At the end of one session, he asked Dr. Traylor if he could leave. “Please,” he said. “Please.” But Dr. Traylor said that he had given him ten days of hospitality, and that he needed to repay those ten days. “And then can I go?” he asked, but the doctor was already walking out the door.

有回結(jié)束時(shí)，他問特雷勒醫(yī)生自己是否能離開?！鞍萃小?，他說，“拜托?！钡乩桌蔗t(yī)生說他招待了他十天，他得償還這十天才行?！叭缓笪揖涂梢宰吡藛?？”他問，但醫(yī)生已經(jīng)走出門了。

　 On the sixth day of his repayment he thought of a plan. There was a second or two—just that—in which Dr. Traylor tucked the fire poker under his left arm and unbelted his pants with his right hand. If he could time it correctly, he could hit the doctor in the face with a book, and try to run out. He would have to be very quick; he would have to be very agile.

到了償還的第六天，他想出了一個(gè)計(jì)劃。每次特雷勒醫(yī)生用右手解開長(zhǎng)褲皮帶前，有一兩秒鐘——只有一秒或兩秒——會(huì)把撥火棒夾在左邊腋下。如果他算準(zhǔn)時(shí)間，就可以用一本書打醫(yī)生的臉，然后設(shè)法跑出去。他的動(dòng)作要非常快、非常靈巧才行。

　 He scanned the books on their shelves, wishing yet again that some of them were hardcovers, not these thick bricks of paperbacks. A small one, he knew, would feel more like a slap, would be more wieldy, and so finally he chose a copy of Dubliners: it was thin enough for him to grip, pliable enough to crack against a face. He tucked it under his mattress, and then realized he didn’t even need to bother with the deception; he could just leave it by his side. So he did, and waited.

他瀏覽著書架上的書，再度恨不得其中有一些精裝書，而不是這些厚厚的平裝書。他知道開本小一點(diǎn)的書拿來打人比較像巴掌，比較好抓，于是他挑了一本《都柏林人》，夠薄可以抓穩(wěn)，也夠軟可以結(jié)實(shí)打在臉上。他把書塞在床下，然后才想到他根本不必藏起來。于是他把書放在旁邊，等待著。

　 And then there was Dr. Traylor and the fire poker, and as he began to unbelt his pants, he sprang up and smacked the doctor as hard as he could across his face, and he heard and felt the doctor screaming and the fire poker falling to the cement floor with a clang, and the doctor’s hand grabbing at his ankle, but he kicked away and stumbled up the stairs, tugged open the door, and ran. At the front door he saw a mess of locks, and he nearly sobbed, his fingers clumsy, throwing the bolts this way and that, and then he was outside and running, running faster than he ever had. You can do it, you can do it, screamed the voice in his head, encouraging for once, and then, more urgently, Faster, faster, faster. As he had gotten better, Dr. Traylor’s meals for him had gotten smaller and smaller, which meant that he was always weak, always tired, but now he was vividly alert and he was running, shouting for help as he did. But even as he ran and shouted, he could see that no one would hear his calls: there was no other house in sight, and although he had expected there might be trees, there weren’t, just flat blank stretches of land, with nothing to hide behind. And then he felt how cold it was, and how things were embedding themselves into the soles of his feet, but still he ran.

然后特雷勒醫(yī)生帶著撥火棒來了，正開始解開皮帶扣環(huán)時(shí)，他就跳起來，使盡全力用那本書朝醫(yī)生臉上打過去。他聽到醫(yī)生尖叫，撥火棒“吭啷”一聲掉在水泥地上，接著醫(yī)生一手抓住他的腳踝，但他踢開了，踉蹌著爬上樓梯，拉開門就跑。他看到前門上有一堆鎖，差點(diǎn)哭出來，他的手指笨拙，把門閂左撥右撥，終于出了門開始奔跑，這輩子從來沒有跑得那么快過。你可以做到，你可以做到，他腦子里的那個(gè)聲音尖叫著鼓勵(lì)他，接著又更急切地說，快一點(diǎn)，快一點(diǎn)，快一點(diǎn)。他身體好轉(zhuǎn)后，特雷勒醫(yī)生給他的食物就愈來愈少，這表示他一直很虛弱、很疲倦，但現(xiàn)在他充滿警覺地奮力往前跑，邊跑邊大喊著救命。但即使在他奔跑大叫時(shí)，他也看得出來沒人聽得到。他根本沒看到其他房子，盡管他本來期望附近可能有樹林，但結(jié)果沒有，只有一片廣大的空蕩田野，沒有地方可以躲。他覺得很冷，腳掌被刺得很痛，但是他還是繼續(xù)跑。

　 And then behind him he heard another pair of footsteps slapping against the pavement, and a familiar jangling noise, and he knew it was Dr. Traylor. He didn’t even shout at him, he didn’t even threaten, but as he turned his head to see how close the doctor was—and he was very close, just a few yards behind him—he tripped and fell, his cheek banging against the road.

他聽到身后有另一組腳步聲在柏油路上奔跑，還有一個(gè)熟悉的金屬碰撞聲。他知道那是特雷勒醫(yī)生，根本沒朝他喊，沒威脅他，但他還是回頭看醫(yī)生離他有多遠(yuǎn)，結(jié)果發(fā)現(xiàn)非常近，只差幾碼。他腳下一絆跌倒了，一邊臉頰狠狠地撞在馬路上。

　 After he had fallen, all of his energy deserted him, a flock of birds rising noisily and swiftly flying away, and he saw that the jangling noise was Dr. Traylor’s unbuckled belt, which he was sliding out from his pants and then using to beat him, and he huddled into himself as he was hit and hit and hit. All that time, the doctor said nothing, and all he could hear were Dr. Traylor’s breaths, his gasps from exertion as he brought the belt down harder and harder on his back, his legs, his neck.

他跌倒之后，所有的精力都離他遠(yuǎn)去，像一群鳥聒噪地飛起，轉(zhuǎn)眼間就走了。然后他看見那金屬碰撞聲的來源，原來是特雷勒醫(yī)生沒扣上的皮帶環(huán)，這會(huì)兒醫(yī)生把皮帶抽出來，對(duì)著他猛抽，他蜷縮成一團(tuán)，被醫(yī)生打了又打。從頭到尾，醫(yī)生都一言不發(fā)，他唯一能聽到的就是特雷勒醫(yī)生的呼吸，他吃力的喘息，同時(shí)那皮帶越來越使勁地抽著他的背部、他的雙腿、他的脖子。