英語(yǔ)視頻暢談歐美人文風(fēng)情78：寫本專屬自己的使用手冊(cè)

　　When I was younger I had this feeling that there was this handbook that I'd never gotten that explained how to be, how to laugh, what to wear, how to stand by yourself in a hallway.

　　在我年紀(jì)比較小的時(shí)候，我有這個(gè)感覺(jué)，有這本我從未得到過(guò)的手冊(cè)，解釋了怎么做、怎么笑、穿什么、怎么獨(dú)自站在走廊上。

　　Everyone else looks so natural, like, they'd all practiced together and knew exactly what to do, even just the way that they'd push the hair out of their face.

　　其他所有人看起來(lái)好自然，就好像他們?nèi)家黄鹁毩?xí)過(guò)，且確切知道要做些什么，即使只是他們將頭發(fā)從臉上撥開(kāi)的方式。

　　My experience was pretty much the opposite: I was conscious of how I sat and how I smiled. But when I was alone with another person, I had no idea what to do or what to say. I could just feel myself panic. It sucked.

　　我的經(jīng)驗(yàn)是幾乎相反的：我知道我要怎么坐、我要怎么笑。但當(dāng)我單獨(dú)和另一人相處時(shí)，我完全不知道要做什么或要說(shuō)什么。我會(huì)就感受到自己驚慌失措。那糟透了。

　　I'd imagine what people were like when I wasn't around: how they'd compare notes on how I didn't quite fit. Or even worse, maybe they just wouldn't notice.

　　我會(huì)想像人們?cè)谖也辉跁r(shí)會(huì)像怎樣：對(duì)于我不太融入一事他們會(huì)怎么交換意見(jiàn)?；蛏踔粮?，也許他們就是沒(méi)有注意到。

　　So I tried to pick up the patterns. I wore what they wore, and said what they said. I even wrote "smile more" on a sticky note. And over time it sort of worked in a way. I made a version of me that fit in, whatever that means.

　　所以我試著去學(xué)習(xí)那些模式。我穿他們穿的衣服、說(shuō)他們說(shuō)的話。我甚至在便利貼上寫“多笑一點(diǎn)”。隨著時(shí)間過(guò)去，在某種意義上有點(diǎn)行得通。我創(chuàng)造出了一個(gè)可以融入的版本的我，不管那代表什么。

　　But as I grew older, the patterns kept changing. And I took so much effort to keep learning them. And I was still stuck with the problem that I started with: being terrified at the moment when my tricks stop working.

　　但當(dāng)我年長(zhǎng)一點(diǎn)，模式不斷改變。我做了好多努力去持續(xù)學(xué)習(xí)它們。而我還是卡在我一開(kāi)始的問(wèn)題：在我的伎倆行不通的那一刻感到恐懼。

　　I think it took me too long to learn something. That even though there is a thing called fitting in, that is something that you can learn and practice. Those pages are so thin compared to who you are. That the way to become natural, like I wanted to be so badly, is by forgetting what you're trying to beat other people.

　　我想我花了太長(zhǎng)一段時(shí)間去學(xué)某件事。即使有一件事叫做融入，那也是一件你可以學(xué)習(xí)并練習(xí)的事。那些書頁(yè)跟你是誰(shuí)比起來(lái)非常淺薄。要變得自然的方式，就像我深切想要成為的樣子，就是要透過(guò)忘記那些你試著要打敗其他人的事。

　　If there is a handbook, you probably get to write it yourself.

　　如果有本手冊(cè)，你也許要自己編寫。