雙語譯林·小婦人 第三十五章 心痛 HEARTACHE
- 第三十五章 心痛
- CHAPTER 35 HEARTACHE
第三十五章 心痛
無論勞里有何種動機，那一年，反正他的學習突飛猛進，畢業(yè)時成績斐然，拉丁語演說，竟然跟菲利普斯[1]那樣悠揚流暢，像狄摩斯梯尼[2]那樣滔滔不絕，這都是他朋友的說法。他們都在現(xiàn)場親眼目睹，他的爺爺——啊，真感到自豪！——當然，還有馬奇夫婦，約翰、美格夫婦，以及喬和貝絲。他們都為他歡呼雀躍，感到由衷的欽佩。當時，男孩子一般對此殊榮都不屑一顧，然而日后要在世上獲得這樣功成名就卻是做不到了。
“我只能留下吃那頓短命的晚宴，明天一大早會趕回家。姑娘們，你們會像以往那樣接我嗎？”勞里一邊問，一邊把小姑娘一個接一個攙扶進車廂。一天的歡慶已經結束了。他喊著“姑娘們”，心里指的卻是喬，唯一遵循老規(guī)矩的姑娘。對于她那人品好、事業(yè)成功的男孩，她一向有求必應，所以態(tài)度熱情地回答：
“特迪，我會來的，風雨無阻，在前面開路，單簧口琴吹《向凱旋英雄歡呼》。”
勞里看了她一眼以表謝意。她心里為之一陣驚恐不安。“唉，天哪！我知道他要開口了，我該怎么辦呢？”
經過夜間的思考和上午的工作，喬心里的恐慌減輕了，并且斷定自己不會虛榮透頂，認為別人會向她求婚。她已經給了他們充分的理由，可以了解她的回答會是什么。于是，她按照預定的時間出發(fā)了，希望特迪不會輕舉妄動，讓她去傷害他那脆弱的情感。她在美格家坐了一會兒，呷了幾杯清香提神的戴茜和戴米飲料之后，進一步增強了與特迪面對面交談的底氣。但是，她看見遠處模糊的健壯身影后，卻巴不得轉身就逃了。
“喬，單簧口琴在哪里？”勞里走近對方能聽見的范圍，就嚷道。
“忘記帶了。”喬又鼓足了勇氣。這樣打招呼，就稱不上情人見面了。
以往，喬在這種場合總是挽著他的胳膊，這次卻沒有。但勞里并沒有抱怨，這可是一個不好的征兆。當時，勞里一個勁地談論天南地北的風情逸事，從大道走進了小路。那條小路穿過一片樹叢，通往家里。此刻，他走得越來越慢，后來，突然不再談笑風生了，并且不時出現(xiàn)難堪的停頓。眼看不斷陷入沉默的陷阱，喬為了救場，急切地說道：“這下，你必須好好來一個長假了！”
“有此打算。”
勞里語氣堅定，喬不由迅速抬頭看了看他，發(fā)現(xiàn)他正低頭看著自己，那表情讓她確信，可怕的時候來了。她伸出手，懇求道：“不，特迪，別這樣！”
“就要這樣，你得聽我說。否則，是無濟于事的。喬，我們的事必須挑明了，越快越好，這樣對雙方都好。”他說話時，面色漲紅，情緒激動。
“那么，就說說你的打算吧。我洗耳恭聽。”喬被逼無奈，所以只有豁出去了。
勞里是個青澀的情郎，但他情真意切，確實想把事情挑明，哪怕要他的命。所以，他還是那樣急躁地單刀直入，但嗓音時不時地哽咽起來，盡管作為男子漢，他也想努力把話說得順暢：
“我對你可是一見傾心，一往情深啊，喬。我情不自禁的，你對我一直那么鐵。我曾想表白，但你不讓我說?，F(xiàn)在，我要說給你聽，請給我一個答復，我實在不能再這樣下去了。”
“我是想讓你省省別說了。我以為你理解——”喬開口道，不禁覺得事情的難度遠遠超乎自己所料。
“我知道是這樣。但是，姑娘們的心都難以捉摸，永遠搞不清她們的意思。說不行，往往意味著可以，把男人折騰得魂飛魄散，從中取樂。”勞里以不可否認的事實作為防御工事，振振有詞地說道。
“我可不是這樣，從來不想讓你愛上我。我總是盡量走開，讓你不去想它。”
“我也這樣認為。你就是這么一個人，這是無濟于事的。我反而愛你愛得更深了，我努力學習是為了討好你。我不打臺球了，凡是你不喜歡的，我都放棄。耐心等待，從不埋怨。因為，我希望你是愛我的，盡管我離優(yōu)秀還差得遠——”說到這兒，他情不自禁地哽咽了。他折斷了幾根毛茛枝條，清了清短命的嗓子。
“不，你很優(yōu)秀的。對我來說真是太優(yōu)秀了，我感激不盡，為你而感到自豪，真的喜歡你。我無法想象，為什么不能如你所愿地愛你。我努力過，但無法改變自己的感情。如果我口是心非，那可就是騙人了。”“喬，真的嗎？千真萬確？”
勞里頓住，握著她的雙手，問話時的神情，喬是不會立刻忘記的。
“是真的，千真萬確，乖乖。”
此時此刻，他倆走在樹叢里，已經靠近跨籬笆的臺階。喬說得慢吞吞的，剛說完，勞里便丟下她的手，轉過身想繼續(xù)往前走，但是，畢生第一次籬笆變得無法逾越了。于是，他將頭靠在長了苔蘚的欄柱上，僵立著，可把喬給嚇壞了。
“哦，特迪，對不起，真的對不起。假如事情能夠挽回，我寧可以死相搏的！希望你不會這么想不開，我實在沒辦法啊。你知道，要強迫自己愛一個不愛的人是辦不到的。”喬盡管心里悔恨，卻生硬地訴說著，一邊輕輕地拍了拍他的肩膀，回想起當年他是這么安慰自己的。
“有時候是可以強迫的呀。”欄柱邊傳來沉悶的嗓音。
“我認為這種愛情是不對的，我寧可不去嘗試。”回答是斬釘截鐵的。
一陣長時間的沉默。河邊的柳樹上傳來一陣烏鶇歡快的叫聲，高高的青草在風中發(fā)出刷刷的聲響。后來，喬坐在籬笆的臺階上，嚴肅地說：“勞里，我想告訴你一件事。”
他一怔，似乎中了一槍，將頭一揚，聲嘶力竭地喊道：“別跟我說那個，喬，現(xiàn)在我受不了！”
“說什么呢？”喬問道，對他的怒吼感到迷惑不解。
“說你愛那個老頭。”
“什么老頭？”喬問道，心想他一定是在指他的祖父。
“那個惡魔似的教授，你寫信總愛提到他。如果你說愛他，我肯定會鋌而走險的。”勞里說話時，緊握拳頭，眼露兇光，似乎說話算數(shù)的。
喬真想笑，但忍住了。她也很激動，暴躁地說：“特迪，不要罵人！他既不老，也不壞，是一位好人，是我最好的一位朋友，但僅次于你啊。懇求你別發(fā)脾氣了，我想友善一點，但是，我知道，如果你罵我的教授，我會發(fā)怒的。愛他或愛其他什么人，我根本沒有想到過啊。”
“但是，你以后會的，那我會落得怎么下場呢？”
“你也會愛上別人的，也做個明智的男孩，忘記這些煩惱。”
“我無法愛上別人，永遠不會忘記你，喬。永遠都不會的！”他一邊說，一邊跺了跺腳，加強語氣的激昂。
“我該拿他怎么辦呢？”喬嘆息道，覺得情感這樣東西比想象的要難以駕馭，“你還沒有聽我想告訴你的話呢。坐下來聽我講，我確實想說清楚，讓你開心。”她解釋道，希望能夠憑理智來寬慰他，但這恰恰證明她一點兒都不懂愛情。
勞里從最后那句話中聽出了一線希望，便在她腳邊的草地上坐下，將胳膊靠在籬笆底部的臺階上。他抬起頭，滿懷期望地望著她。這種姿勢，對于喬來說，想說一些平靜的話，想保持頭腦清醒，就很不方便了。因為男朋友在深情地望著自己，目光充滿了渴望的神情，況且，由于她鐵石心腸，他的睫毛仍然帶著淚珠的濕潤，這樣，她怎么能夠開口絕情呢？她輕柔地轉過他的頭，撫摸著那一頭為她而留的波浪式頭發(fā)——哎，多么感人哪！——說道：
“我同意媽媽的看法，你我并不般配，因為，我倆愛發(fā)脾氣，個性很強，這大概會搞得很慘的，假如我倆愚蠢透頂，去——”說到這最后一句話，喬停頓了一會兒。但是，勞里接過話，欣喜若狂地說了出來。
“結婚——不，不會那樣慘的！如果你愛我，我會成為一位完美無缺的圣徒，因為，你能隨心所欲地塑造我的。”
“不，我做不到。我做過努力，但未成功。我不想通過這么嚴肅的嘗試，拿我倆的幸福冒險。我倆意見不合，而且永遠都不合，所以，我倆終生都是好朋友，但我們不會草率行事的。”
“會的，如果有機會，我們會的。”勞里不服氣地咕噥道。
“請你理智一點，考慮情況理性些。”喬懇求說，幾乎理屈詞窮了。
“我不會理智的，也不會吃你‘理性考慮’這一套，這對我沒有用，只能使你變得更加狠心。我認為你沒心沒肺的。”
“但愿如此！”
這時，喬的嗓音有一點顫抖。勞里認為是一個好征兆，便轉過身，竭盡全力，以空前聳人聽聞的諂媚口吻勸道：“乖乖，可別讓我們失望?。〈蠹叶荚谄谂芜@件事。爺爺早已把它掛在心上了。你家的人都喜歡，我可離不開你呀。你就同意了吧，讓我們幸福起來吧?？煅?，來吧！”
喬是在幾個月之后才懂得，她擁有堅強的毅力，才堅持住己見，決意斷定自己并不愛她的男孩，而且永遠都無法愛。做出這種抉擇是很艱難的，可是她做到了。她明白，拖延下去是沒有用的，而且也是殘酷的。
“我不能發(fā)自內心地說‘同意’，所以根本不會說的。你慢慢會明白，我是對的，以后，你會為此而感謝我的——”喬神情肅穆地說。
“如果謝你，那我該死！”勞里從草地上蹦了起來，一聽就感到氣憤極了。
“不對，你會的！”喬一口咬定地說，“過一陣，你會緩過勁來的，然后，去找一位才貌雙全的姑娘，她會愛慕你的，在你豪宅中成為稱職的主婦。但是，我做不到。我相貌平平，動作笨，脾氣怪，年齡大，你會為我而感到羞愧的。于是，我倆就會吵架——你看，甚至現(xiàn)在都忍不住了。我可不喜歡上流社會，但是，你喜歡。你會討厭我寫東西，可我不寫就活不下去。這樣，我倆會得不到幸福的，接著，就悔不當初，最后，一切都會遭殃了！”
“還有呢？”勞里問道，感到難以耐心地傾聽這種預言式的滔滔評議。
“說完了，但我認為自己永遠都不會嫁人。我獨自一人很快活，我太喜歡這種自由，不會匆匆忙忙地為了一位凡人而將其拋棄。”
“不敢茍同！”勞里插話，“你現(xiàn)在這樣想，但是，總有一天，會喜歡上某人，然后，你深深地愛上他，生死相托的。我知道，你會這樣做的。這是你的德行，旁觀者清，我倒要拭目以待。”這位氣急敗壞的情郎將帽子往地上一扔，那個手勢如果不是他那張悲劇面孔，倒會有喜劇效果。
“是啊，我會生死相托的，假如他出現(xiàn)，讓我不得不愛上他，你得好自為之?。?rdquo;喬大聲地說道，對可憐的特迪不耐煩了，“我已經傾注了全力，可是你并不理智，還一個勁地逗我，強求于我，真是太自私了。作為朋友，我會一直喜歡你，真的好喜歡。但是，我絕不會嫁給你。你明白得越早，我倆就越好過——就這樣！”
這話就像火藥點了火，脫口而出。勞里望了望喬，一時不知如何是好。后來，他猛然轉身，聲嘶力竭地喊道：“喬，你總有一天會后悔的。”
“唉，你去哪兒呀？”喬大聲地問道。他的臉色嚇了她一跳。
“去見鬼！”他的回答真是令人欣慰。
喬聽了不禁一怔。勞里沖下河岸，朝著河邊飛快地走去。可讓年輕人就這樣去尋短見橫死，需要極度的愚蠢、痛苦或者罪孽。勞里可不是那種軟弱無能的人，一次失敗就被打倒。他并不想夸張地縱身跳進河里，而是鬼使神差地將衣帽扔進船，奮力劃船，劃得比比賽時都要快。喬深深地吸了一口氣，松開握緊的雙手，望著可憐的小伙子力圖擺脫心中的苦惱。
“這樣對他有好處?；丶液?，他會溫柔平和，悔悟一番的，屆時我可不敢見他了。”喬說。在緩步回家的路上，覺得自己仿佛謀殺了一個無辜者，然后埋尸荒草下，就補充說：“現(xiàn)在，我得去見勞倫斯先生，請他好好對待我的這位可憐朋友。我希望他是愛貝絲的，或許到時候會的，但是，我開始覺得自己錯怪了她。哎呀呀！女孩子怎么能夠又去找情郎，又將其拒絕呢？我看真是太糟糕了。”
喬堅信，這件事誰都干得沒有她漂亮。于是，她直接去見勞倫斯先生，堅強地講述了那段難以啟齒的故事，說完之后，便崩潰了，哭得很凄慘，埋怨自己太過分，不講情面。結果，盡管勞倫斯這位好心的老先生聽了之后很失望，但沒有說一句指責的話。他覺得不可思議的是，居然有女孩可以不愛上勞里的，所以希望喬回心轉意。但是，他比喬更加明白，愛是不能強勉的。這時，他悲傷地搖了搖頭，決心幫孫子脫險。因為，勞里年輕氣盛，跟喬分手時說的那些話，對他產生的震動很大，盡管他不肯承認。
勞里回到家之后，筋疲力盡，但神智鎮(zhèn)靜。爺爺迎接他，裝作一點兒都不知情，而且裝得很成功，長達一兩個小時之久。后來，他倆一起坐在暮色中，這一直是令他倆心曠神怡的時刻。但是，這一次，老人家卻覺得難以跟以往一樣天南地北地侃侃而談了，而小伙子更難以聽進那些表揚他去年成功的話。對于他來說，那些成功現(xiàn)在仿佛是莎士比亞演繹過的愛的徒勞。他耐住性子，聽了一會兒，便走到鋼琴旁邊彈奏起來。屋子的窗戶開著，恰巧喬和貝絲在花園里散步。這一下，喬聽到琴聲，感悟就比妹妹都深刻了。勞里是在彈奏貝多芬的《悲愴奏鳴曲》，而且彈得比以往都動聽。
“可以說，彈得真是太好聽了，可是太傷心了，讓人聽了就想落淚。小伙子，彈一曲歡快的吧。”勞倫斯先生說道。他那顆善良的心充滿了同情，很想表示表示。但是，一下子卻不知從何做起。
勞里迅速彈起了歡快的曲調，節(jié)奏猛烈，達數(shù)分鐘。本來他可以鼓足勇氣彈完的，這時，短暫的間歇里卻傳來了馬奇太太的喊聲：“喬，乖乖，進來吧。我需要你。”
這正是勞里的心里話，當然，含義不同罷了！聽到這句話之后，他彈得走了調，琴聲戛然止住，而琴師則默默地坐在黑暗中。
“我忍受不下去了。”爺爺喃喃低語。他站起身，摸索著走向鋼琴，友善地將雙手搭在勞里厚實的肩膀上，用慈母般的口氣說道：“孩子，我都明白了。”
沉寂了片刻，勞里突然問道：“誰告訴你的？”
“是喬自己。”
“那，都結束了！”勞里不耐煩地抖落了爺爺?shù)氖帧ＫM管對爺爺?shù)耐楹苁歉屑ぃ?，男子漢的自尊心使得他難以承受男人的憐憫。
“不見得。我有一句話要說，說完之后，一切就結束了。”勞倫斯先生以非同尋常的和藹口吻答道，“或許，你現(xiàn)在不想待在家里吧？”
“我不打算逃避一個女孩。喬不能不讓我見到她，我就住在這兒，愛住多久，就住多久。”勞里以挑釁的口氣插話。
“假如你是我眼里的那種紳士，就不要這樣。我也很失望，但是對那姑娘已經無能為力了?，F(xiàn)在，你唯一能夠做的事情，就是出門一陣子。你想去哪兒？”
“任何一個地方。我不在乎自己下場如何。”勞里站了起來，滿不在乎地放聲大笑，十分刺耳，爺爺聽了發(fā)憷。
“處理這件事，要像個男子漢。看在上帝的分上，切不可魯莽。何不按計劃出國，忘了它呢？”
“我不能。”
“但是，你一直癡癡地想往外跑。我答應過你，讀完大學讓你出國。”
“啊，并沒有打算獨自一人出國的！”勞里一邊說，一邊快步走進房間。說話時的那種表情，幸虧爺爺沒有看見。
“不是叫你一個人走。有人樂意跟你一塊兒出國，浪跡天涯海角。”
“是誰，老爺？”他停下來傾聽。
“是我呀。”
勞里立即轉身回過來，伸出手，嗓音嘶啞地說：“我真是個自私的野蠻人，可是——你知道——爺爺——”
“上帝保佑！是的，我是知道的。以前我經歷過這一切的，一次是我還年輕時，后來是和你父親的事情。哎，乖孩子，給我安靜地坐著，聽聽我的安排。一切已經準備就緒，立刻就能執(zhí)行。”勞倫斯先生解釋道。他一直握著勞里的手，似乎生怕他像父親當年那樣，掙脫后逃之夭夭。
“好吧，老爺，什么安排呀？”勞里無動于衷地坐下，他的表情和聲音都表明他不感興趣。
“倫敦有生意需要照看。我原來的意思是讓你去處理，當然，我去解決會更好。這兒的事情由布魯克管著，會順順利利的。我的合伙人幾乎包攬了一切。我只是堅持到你來接班，任何時候都可以交班的。”
“可是，你并不喜歡旅行，老爺。你這把年紀了，我可不能強求啊。”勞里說道。對于爺爺?shù)淖晕覡奚瘢芨屑?，但是，要走的話，他寧可獨自去?/p>
老先生早已看透了他的心思，便想方設法加以勸阻。勞里的情緒使他明白，讓孫子自行其是是很不明智的。于是，他明知出門之后不如家里舒服，卻按下了遺憾的情緒，口氣堅決地說道：“嗨喲喲，好孫孫，我還沒有老掉牙嘛。我對于這個計劃很滿意，這對身體會有好處的，我這把老骨頭是不會累壞的，現(xiàn)在外出旅行，就像坐在家里的椅子上一樣輕松自在啊。”
這時，勞里坐在椅子上不安地挪動著身子。這表明，他的椅子并不舒服，或者說，他可不喜歡旅行安排。這不禁使老人趕快補充說：“我不想瞎摻和，也不想成為累贅。我一起外出，是因為我認為，我若留在家，你反而不愉快。我并不打算與你一塊閑逛，而是讓你愛去哪兒，就去哪兒，我會自得其樂的。我在倫敦、巴黎都有朋友，想去探望他們。期間，你可以去意大利、德國、瑞士，隨便你選擇，去欣賞繪畫，聆聽音樂，欣賞風景，體驗冒險的行程，玩?zhèn)€夠。”
先前，勞里覺得心都完全碎了，外面的世界如一片荒野。但聽了爺爺最后那句巧妙的話語，他那顆破碎的心不禁為之震顫，原先頭腦中那片陌生而荒蕪的世界，驟然展現(xiàn)出幾塊綠洲來。他嘆了一口氣，然后淡漠地說道：“老爺，隨意啦。我去哪兒，去干啥，都無所謂。”
“可是，孩子，請記住，我有所謂的呀。我給你完全的行動自由，拜托你能夠誠實地加以利用。勞里，答應我，這些你都能做到。”
“老爺，隨你。”
“很好。”老先生想道，“你現(xiàn)在不在乎，但日后那個許諾可以使你免得淘氣，否則，算我看錯人。”
勞倫斯先生是一個精力充沛的人，所以，他趁熱打鐵，不等垂頭喪氣的小子緩過氣來就反撲，他們出發(fā)了。后來，準備行裝的時候，勞里的舉止又恢復到失戀年輕人的常態(tài)，喜怒無常，一會兒脾氣暴躁，一會兒憂郁寡言，而且，食不甘味，衣著散亂，把大部分時間都花在鋼琴上，凈彈奏一些節(jié)奏猛烈的曲調。他在躲避喬，但卻又通過窗戶凝視著她，這樣，心里感到寬慰一點。夜間，勞里那悲愴面容使喬夢魂縈繞。白天，則使她深感內疚。勞里跟一般的癡情人不同。他從不提起自己失戀，也不愿意讓別人，甚至不讓馬奇太太安撫自己，或者表示同情。為此，他的朋友們知情后，倒覺得一陣輕松，只是勞里出發(fā)前的幾周令人十分難熬。所以，聽說可愛的可憐家伙要出門去忘卻憂愁，再歡樂回家時，大家都很開心的。當然，對于他們的誤解，勞里僅僅狡黠地笑了笑。他就像一個態(tài)度清高、內心酸楚的徇情者，對于愛情堅貞不屈。
動身出發(fā)時，勞里裝出一副興高采烈的樣子，故意掩飾內心忐忑不安的情緒，但似乎老是露餡。別人并不理會他的輕松神態(tài)，但表面上裝作深受鼓舞給他看。他表現(xiàn)得挺不錯，直到馬奇太太親吻他。馬奇太太在他耳邊嘀咕，充滿了慈母般的關切。后來，勞里知道馬上就要上路了，便匆忙和大家擁抱，包括傷心的漢娜。接著，他拼命地跑下了樓。喬跟在他身后，要是他轉過身，就朝他揮手。他果然轉身回來了，伸出雙手去摟抱上一格臺階上面的她，仰望著她，那臉色使他的短暫懇求既信誓旦旦，又哀婉動人。
“唉，喬，你就不能？”
“特迪，乖乖，但愿能夠做到！”
除了短暫的停頓之外，送別就這樣過去了。當時，勞里挺了挺身子，對大家說道：“好了，別在意。”他二話沒說，轉身就走了。啊，其實并不好呀，喬確實在牽腸掛肚。因為，她狠心回絕后，他的鬈發(fā)腦袋一度靠在她胳膊上。她心里覺得，好像用刀刺殺了心愛的朋友。當勞里頭都不回地離開她時，她明白，男孩勞里永遠不會回來了。
* * *
[1]當時的美國改革家、演說家（1811—1884）。
[2]雅典雄辯家（公元前384—322）。
CHAPTER 35 HEARTACHE
WHATEVER HIS MOTIVE might have been, Laurie studied to some purpose that year, for he graduated with honor, and gave the Latin oration with the grace of a Phillips and the eloquence of a Demosthenes, so his friends said. They were all there, his grandfather—oh, so proud! —Mr. and Mrs. March, John and Meg, Jo and Beth, and all exulted over him with the sincere admiration which boys make light of at the time, but fail to win from the world by any after-triumphs.
“I've got to stay for this confounded supper, but I shall be home early tomorrow. You'll come and meet me as usual, girls? ” Laurie said, as he put the sisters into the carriage after the joys of the day were over. He said “girls”, but he meant Jo, for she was the only one who kept up the old custom. She had not the heart to refuse her splendid, successful boy anything, and answered warmly—
“I'll come,Teddy,rain or shine,and march before you,playing‘Hail the conquering hero comes, 'on a jew's-harp.”
Laurie thanked her with a look that made her think in a sudden panic,“Oh, deary me! I know he'll say something, and then what shall I do? ”
Evening meditation and morning work somewhat allayed her fears, and having decided that she wouldn't be vain enough to think people were going to propose when she had given them every reason to know what her answer would be, she set forth at the appointed time, hoping Teddy wouldn't do anything to make her hurt his poor feelings. A call at Meg's, and a refreshing sniff and sip at the Daisy and Demijohn, still further fortified her for the tête-à-tête, but when she saw a stalwart figure looming in the distance, she had a strong desire to turn about and run away.
“Where's the jew's-harp, Jo? ” cried Laurie, as soon as he was within speaking distance.
“I forgot it.” And Jo took heart again, for that salutation could not be called loverlike.
She always used to take his arm on these occasions, now she did not, and he made no complaint, which was a bad sign, but talked on rapidly about all sorts of faraway subjects, till they turned from the road into the little path that led homeward through the grove. Then he walked more slowly, suddenly lost his fine flow of language, and now and then a dreadful pause occurred. To rescue the conversation from one of the wells of silence into which it kept falling, Jo said hastily, “Now you must have a good long holiday! ”
“I intend to.”
Something in his resolute tone made Jo look up quickly to find him looking down at her with an expression that assured her the dreaded moment had come, and made her put out her hand with an imploring, “No, Teddy. Please don't! ”
“I will,and you must hear me.It's no use,Jo,we've got to have it out, and the sooner the better for both of us, ” he answered, getting flushed and excited all at once.
“Say what you like then. I'll listen, ” said Jo, with a desperate sort of patience.
Laurie was a young lover, but he was in earnest, and meant to “have it out, ” if he died in the attempt, so he plunged into the subject with characteristic impetuousity,saying in a voice that would get choky now and then, in spite of manful efforts to keep it steady—
“I've loved you ever since I've known you, Jo, couldn't help it, you've been so good to me. I've tried to show it, but you wouldn't let me. Now I'm going to make you hear, and give me an answer, for I can't go on so any longer.”
“I wanted to save you this. I thought you'd understand—” began Jo, finding it a great deal harder than she expected.
“I know you did, but the girls are so queer you never know what they mean. They say no when they mean yes, and drive a man out of his wits just for the fun of it, ” returned Laurie, entrenching himself behind an undeniable fact.
“I don't. I never wanted to make you care for me so, and I went away to keep you from it if I could.”
“I thought so. It was like you, but it was no use. I only loved you all the more, and I worked hard to please you, and I gave up billiards and everything you didn't like, and waited and never complained, for I hoped you'd love me, though I'm not half good enough.” Here there was a choke that couldn't be controlled, so he decapitated buttercups while he cleared his “confounded throat”.
“You, you are, you're a great deal too good for me, and I'm so grateful to you, and so proud and fond of you, I don't know why I can't love you as you want me to. I've tried, but I can't change the feeling, and it would be a lie to say I do when I don't.”
“Really, truly, Jo? ”
He stopped short, and caught both her hands as he put his question with a look that she did not soon forget.
“Really, truly, dear.”
They were in the grove now, close by the stile, and when the last words fell reluctantly from Jo's lips, Laurie dropped her hands and turned as if to go on, but for once in his life the fence was too much for him. So he just laid his head down on the mossy post, and stood so still that Jo was frightened.
“Oh, Teddy, I'm sorry, so desperately sorry, I could kill myself if it would do any good! I wish you wouldn't take it so hard, I can't help it. You know it's impossible for people to make themselves love other people if they don't, ” cried Jo inelegantly but remorsefully, as she softly patted his shoulder, remembering the time when he had comforted her so long ago.
“They do sometimes, ” said a muffled voice from the post.
“I don't believe it's the right sort of love, and I'd rather not try it” was the decided answer.
There was a long pause, while a blackbird sung blithely on the willow by the river, and the tall grass rustled in the wind. Presently Jo said very soberly, as she sat down on the step of the stile, “Laurie, I want to tell you something.”
He started as if he had been shot, threw up his head, and cried out in a fierce tone,“Don't tell me that,Jo,I can't bear it now! ”
“Tell what? ” she asked, wondering at his violence.
“That you love that old man.”
“What old man? ” demanded Jo, thinking he must mean his grandfather.
“That devilish Professor you were always writing about. If you say you love him, I know I shall do something desperate.” And he looked as if he would keep his word, as he clenched his hands with a wrathful spark in his eyes.
Jo wanted to laugh, but restrained herself and said warmly, for she, too, was getting excited with all this, “Don't swear, Teddy! He isn't old, nor anything bad, but good and kind, and the best friend I've got, next to you. Pray, don't fly into a passion. I want to be kind, but I know I shall get angry if you abuse my Professor. I haven't the least idea of loving him or anybody else.”
“But you will after a while, and then what will become of me? ”
“You'll love someone else too, like a sensible boy, and forget all this trouble.”
“I can't love anyone else, and I'll never forget you, Jo, Never! Never! ”with a stamp to emphasize his passionate words.
“What shall I do with him? ” sighed Jo, finding that emotions were more unmanagable than she expected. “You haven't heard what I wanted to tell you. Sit down and listen, for indeed I want to do right and make you happy, ” she said, hoping to soothe him with a little reason, which proved that she knew nothing about love.
Seeing a ray of hope in that last speech, Laurie threw himself down on the grass at her feet, leaned his arm on the lower step of the stile, and looked up at her with an expectant face. Now that arrangement was not conducive to calm speech or clear thought on Jo's part,for how could she say hard things to her boy while he watched her with eyes full of love and longing, and lashes still wet with the bitter drop or two her hardness of heart had wrung from him? She gently turned his head away, saying, as she stroked the wavy hair which had been allowed to grow for her sake—how touching that was, to be sure! —
“I agree with Mother that you and I are not suited to each other, because our quick tempers and strong wills would probably make us very miserable, if we were so foolish as to—” Jo paused a little over the last word, but Laurie uttered it with a rapturous expression.
“Marry—no, we shouldn't! If you loved me, Jo, I should be a perfect saint, for you could make me anything you like.”
“No, I can't. I've tried and failed, and I won't risk our happiness by such a serious experiment. We don't agree and we never shall, so we'll be good friends all our lives, but we won't go and do anything rash.”
“Yes, we will if we get the chance, ” muttered Laurie rebelliously.
“Now do be reasonable, and take a sensible view of the case, ”implored Jo, almost at her wit's end.
“I won't be reasonable. I don't want to take what you call ‘a sensible view'. It won't help me, and it only makes it harder. I don't believe you've got any heart.”
“I wish I hadn't.”
There was a little quiver in Jo's voice, and, thinking it a good omen, Laurie turned round, bringing all his persuasive powers to bear as he said, in the wheedlesome tone that had never been so dangerously wheedlesome before, “Don't disappoint us, dear! Everyone expects it. Grandpa has set his heart upon it, your people like it, and I can't get on without you. Say you will, and let's be happy. Do, do! ”
Not until months afterward did Jo understand how she had the strength of mind to hold fast to the resolution she had made when she decided that she did not love her boy, and never could. It was very hard to do, but she did it, knowing that delay was both useless and cruel.
“I can't say ‘yes' truly, so I won't say it at all. You'll see that I'm right, by-and-by, and thank me for it—” she began solemnly.
“I'll be hanged if I do! ” And Laurie bounced up off the grass, burning with indignation at the very idea.
“Yes, you will! ” persisted Jo. “You'll get over this after a while, and find some lovely accomplished girl, who will adore you, and make a fine mistress for your fine house. I shouldn't. I'm homely and awkward and odd and old, and you'd be ashamed of me, and we should quarrel—we can't help it even now, you see—and I shouldn't like elegant society and you would, and you'd hate my scribbling, and I couldn't get on without it, and we should be unhappy, and wish we hadn't done it, and everything would be horrid! ”
“Anything more? ” asked Laurie, finding it hard to listen patiently to this prophetic burst.
“Nothing more, except that I don't believe I shall ever marry. I'm happy as I am, and love my liberty too well to be in a hurry to give it up for any mortal man.”
“I know better! ” broke in Laurie. “You think so now, but there'll come a time when you will care for somebody,and you'll love him tremendously, and live and die for him. I know you will, it's your way, and I shall have to stand by and see it.” And the despairing lover cast his hat upon the ground with a gesture that would have seemed comical, if his face had not been so tragic.
“Yes,I will live and die for him,if he ever comes and makes me love him in spite of myself, and you must do the best you can! ” cried Jo, losing patience with poor Teddy.“I've done my best,but you won't be reasonable, and it's selfish of you to keep teasing for what I can't give. I shall always be fond of you, very fond indeed, as a friend, but I'll never marry you, and the sooner you believe it the better for both of us—so now! ”
That speech was like gunpowder. Laurie looked at her a minute as if he did not quite know what to do with himself, then turned sharply away, saying in a desperate sort of tone, “You'll be sorry some day, Jo.”
“Oh, where are you going? ” she cried, for his face frightened her.
“To the devil! ” was the consoling answer.
For a minute Jo's heart stood still, as he swung himself down the bank toward the river, but it takes much folly, sin or misery to send a young man to a violent death, and Laurie was not one of the weak sort who are conquered by a single failure. He had no thought of a melodramatic plunge, but some blind instinct led him to fling hat and coat into his boat, and row away with all his might, making better time up the river than he had done in any race. Jo drew a long breath and unclasped her hands as she watched the poor fellow trying to outstrip the trouble which he carried in his heart.
“That will do him good, and he'll come home in such a tender, penitent state of mind, that I shan't dare to see him, ” she said, adding, as she went slowly home, feeling as if she had murdered some innocent thing, and buried it under the leaves. “Now I must go and prepare Mr. Laurence to be very kind to my poor boy. I wish he'd love Beth, perhaps he may in time, but I begin to think I was mistaken about her. Oh dear! How can girls like to have lovers and refuse them? I think it's dreadful.”
Being sure that no one could do it so well as herself, she went straight to Mr. Laurence, told the hard story bravely through, and then broke down, crying so dismally over her own insensibility that the kind old gentleman, though sorely disappointed, did not utter a reproach. He found it difficult to understand how any girl could help loving Laurie, and hoped she would change her mind, but he knew even better than Jo that love cannot be forced, so he shook his head sadly and resolved to carry his boy out of harm's way, for Young Impetuosity's parting words to Jo disturbed him more than he would confess.
When Laurie came home, dead tired but quite composed, his grandfather met him as if he knew nothing, and kept up the delusion very successfully for an hour or two. But when they sat together in the twilight, the time they used to enjoy so much, it was hard work for the old man to ramble on as usual, and harder still for the young one to listen to praises of the last year's success, which to him now seemed like love's labor lost. He bore it as long as he could, then went to his piano and began to play. The windows were open, and Jo, walking in the garden with Beth, for once understood music better than her sister, for he played the “Sonata Pathétique”, and played it as he never did before.
“That's very fine, I dare say, but it's sad enough to make one cry. Give us something gayer, lad, ” said Mr. Laurence, whose kind old heart was full of sympathy, which he longed to show but knew not how.
Laurie dashed into a livelier strain, played stormily for several minutes, and would have got through bravely, if in a momentary lull Mrs. March's voice had not been heard calling, “Jo, dear, come in. I want you.”
Just what Laurie longed to say, with a different meaning! As he listened, he lost his place, the music ended with a broken chord, and the musician sat silent in the dark.
“I can't stand this, ” muttered the old gentleman. Up he got, groped his way to the piano, laid a kind hand on either of the broad shoulders, and said, as gently as a woman, “I know, my boy, I know.”
No answer for an instant, then Laurie asked sharply, “Who told you? ”
“Jo herself.”
“Then there's an end of it! ” And he shook off his grandfather's hands with an impatient motion, for though grateful for the sympathy, his man's pride could not bear a man's pity.
“Not quite. I want to say one thing, and then there shall be an end of it, ” returned Mr. Laurence with unusual mildness. “You won't care to stay at home now, perhaps? ”
“I don't intend to run away from a girl. Jo can't prevent my seeing her, and I shall stay and do it as long as I like, ” interrupted Laurie in a defiant tone.
“Not if you are the gentleman I think you. I'm disappointed, but the girl can't help it, and the only thing left for you to do is to go away for a time. Where will you go? ”
“Anywhere. I don't care what becomes of me.” And Laurie got up with a reckless laugh that grated on his grandfather's ear.
“Take it like a man, and don't do anything rash, for God's sake. Why not go abroad, as you planned, and forget it? ”
“I can't.”
“But you've been wild to go, and I promised you should when you got through college.”
“Ah, but I didn't mean to go alone! ” And Laurie walked fast through the room with an expression which it was well his grandfather did not see.
“I don't ask you to go alone. There's someone ready and glad to go with you, anywhere in the world.”
“Who, sir? ” stopping to listen.
“Myself.”
Laurie came back as quickly as he went, and put out his hand, saying huskily, “I'm a selfish brute, but—you know—Grandfather—”
“Lord help me, yes, I do know, for I've been through it all before, once in my own young days, and then with your father. Now, my dear boy, just sit quietly down and hear my plan. It's all settled, and can be carried out at once, ” said Mr. Laurence, keeping hold of the young man, as if fearful that he would break away as his father had done before him.
“Well, sir, what is it? ” and Laurie sat down, without a sign of interest in face or voice.
“There is business in London that needs looking after. I meant you should attend to it, but I can do it better myself, and things here will get on very well with Brooke to manage them. My partners do almost everything, I'm merely holding on until you take my place, and can be off at any time.”
“But you hate traveling, sir. I can't ask it of you at your age, ” began Laurie, who was grateful for the sacrifice, but much preferred to go alone, if he went at all.
The old gentleman knew that perfectly well, and particularly desired to prevent it, for the mood in which he found his grandson assured him that it would not be wise to leave him to his own devices. So, stifling a natural regret at the thought of the home comforts he would leave behind him, he said stoutly, “Bless your soul, I'm not superannuated yet. I quite enjoy the idea. It will do me good, and my old bones won't suffer, for traveling nowadays is almost as easy as sitting in a chair.”
A restless movement from Laurie suggested that his chair was not easy, or that he did not like the plan, and made the old man add hastily,“I don't mean to be a marplot or a burden. I go because I think you'd feel happier than if I was left behind. I don't intend to gad about with you, but leave you free to go where you like, while I amuse myself in my own way. I've friends in London and Paris, and should like to visit them. Meantime you can go to Italy, Germany, Switzerland, where you will, and enjoy pictures, music, scenery, and adventures to your heart's content.”
Now, Laurie felt just then that his heart was entirely broken and the world a howling wilderness, but at the sound of certain words which the old gentleman artfully introduced into his closing sentence, the broken heart gave an unexpected leap, and a green oasis or two suddenly appeared in the howling wilderness. He sighed, and then said, in a spiritless tone, “Just as you like, sir. It doesn't matter where I go or what I do.”
“It does to me, remember that, my lad. I give you entire liberty, but I trust you to make an honest use of it. Promise me that, Laurie.”
“Anything you like, sir.”
“Good, ” thought the old gentleman. “You don't care now, but there'll come a time when that promise will keep you out of mischief, or I'm much mistaken.”
Being an energetic individual, Mr. Laurence struck while the iron was hot, and before the blighted being recovered spirit enough to rebel, they were off. During the time necessary for preparation, Laurie bore himself as young gentleman usually do in such cases. He was moody, irritable, and pensive by turns; lost his appetite, neglected his dress and devoted much time to playing tempestuously on his piano; avoided Jo, but consoled himself by staring at her from his window, with a tragic face that haunted her dreams by night and oppressed her with a heavy sense of guilt by day. Unlike some sufferers, he never spoke of his unrequited passion, and would allow no one, not even Mrs. March, to attempt consolation or offer sympathy. On some accounts, this was a relief to his friends, but the weeks before his departure were very uncomfortable, and everyone rejoiced that the “poor, dear fellow was going away to forget his trouble, and come home happy.” Of course, he smiled darkly at their delusion, but passed it by with the sad superiority of one who knew that his fidelity like his love was unalterable.
When the parting came he affected high spirits, to conceal certain inconvenient emotions which seemed inclined to assert themselves. This gaiety did not impose upon anybody, but they tried to look as if it did for his sake, and he got on very well till Mrs. March kissed him, with a whisper full of motherly solicitude. Then feeling that he was going very fast, he hastily embraced them all round, not forgetting the afflicted Hannah, and ran downstairs as if for his life. Jo followed a minute after to wave her hand to him if he looked round. He did look round, came back, put his arms about her as she stood on the step above him, and looked up at her with a face that made his short appeal eloquent and pathetic.
“Oh, Jo, can't you? ”
“Teddy, dear, I wish I could! ”
That was all, except a little pause. Then Laurie straightened himself up, said, “It's all right, never mind, ” and went away without another word. Ah,but it wasn't all right,and Jo did mind,for while the curly head lay on her arm a minute after her hard answer, she felt as if she had stabbed her dearest friend, and when he left her without a look behind him, she knew that the boy Laurie never would come again.
