雙語譯林·小婦人 第三十六章 貝絲的秘密 BETH'S SECRET
- 第三十六章 貝絲的秘密
- CHAPTER 36 BETH'S SECRET
第三十六章 貝絲的秘密
那年春天喬到回家時，她對貝絲身上發(fā)生的變化感到吃驚。沒有人提到這種變化，似乎也沒有人覺察到。變化是逐步逐步地出現(xiàn)的，每天碰到的人，并不感到驚詫。當然，對于離開一段時間而擦亮眼睛的人來講，變化是一目了然的。喬見到妹妹的面容，內(nèi)心感到很沉重。蒼白的面色跟去年秋天差不多，但消瘦多了，不過，臉上帶有一種奇特的透明神色，似乎凡人因素已經(jīng)緩緩提煉掉了，而脆弱的肉身透出不朽的亮麗，帶著一種不可名狀的凄涼的美。喬看在眼里，感同身受，但當時一言未發(fā)。不久，她的初步印象便失去了大部分力度。貝絲似乎很愉快，似乎沒有人表示懷疑她身體好多了。當時，喬正陷于其他的煩惱，一時便忘記了自己的擔憂。
勞里走了之后，一切又都平靜了。喬感到隱隱的焦慮回歸了，并纏繞著她。她吐露了自己的罪孽，大家寬恕了她。但是，后來她向妹妹展示自己的積蓄，并且提議去山地旅行時，貝絲向她表示深深謝意之后，卻懇求不要離開家那么遠。妹妹覺得，再去一趟海邊小住更加適合自己。由于無法勸動外婆丟下嬰兒，喬便把貝絲帶到了那個安靜的地方，在那里，貝絲可以大量呼吸野外的空氣，讓海邊新鮮的微風吹紅她那蒼白的面龐。
這地方不算時髦，但是，即使和一些愉快的人在一起，姐妹倆也很少交朋友。她們喜歡相依為命。貝絲很害羞，不敢接觸外界，而喬一心想著貝絲，也顧不上關(guān)心別人了。所以，她們姐妹倆待在小天地里，獨來獨往，根本沒有意識到，自己已經(jīng)引起周圍人的興趣。外人以同情的目光觀察著這對強姐弱妹，她們總是互不相離，似乎已經(jīng)本能地感到，彼此永別已經(jīng)為時不遠了。
她倆確實都感覺到了，但誰都沒有說出口。在我們與至愛親朋之間，往往存在著一種難以打破的隔閡，所以，喬覺得貝絲和她的心之間，拉上了一層面紗。每當她伸手去拉開時，似乎寧靜的氣氛中有著某種神圣的東西，讓喬等待貝絲先開口。喬感到迷惑不解，也覺得很慶幸，因為父母親好像并沒有發(fā)現(xiàn)她所看見的那些事情。那幾周過得十分清靜，她心中的陰影越來越清楚，但她沒有對家里人提起，認為等到貝絲回到家之后，身體狀況毫無起色時，一切都會不言自明。喬越發(fā)納悶，妹妹是否已經(jīng)猜測到嚴酷的真相，當貝絲長時間躺在溫暖的巖石上，頭靠著她的腿部，任憑有益健康的海風吹拂著，聆聽腳邊浪花歌唱時，腦子里都在想些啥呢？
有一天，貝絲向她袒露了。當時，喬以為她睡著了，因為，她一動不動地躺著。她把書放在一邊，若有所思地望著妹妹，試圖從蒼白的臉頰上看到希望的征兆。但她并沒有看到令人滿意的結(jié)果。貝絲的面頰仍然很消瘦，雙手無力，仿佛連采集的玫瑰色小貝殼都捧不住。喬越發(fā)痛苦起來，知道貝絲在緩緩離她而去。于是，她就本能地抱緊了自己最值錢的寶貝。喬一時覺得目光模糊，看不清東西。后來，當她看清時，只見貝絲溫柔地仰望她，仿佛根本沒有必要地說：“親愛的喬，你都知道了，我很高興。我曾經(jīng)想告訴你，但說不出口。”
她不回答，也無淚，兩個人臉貼著臉。傷心時，喬從來都不哭。當時，她比貝絲更虛弱，妹妹試圖安慰她，勉勵她——雙臂擁抱著她，輕聲地在她耳邊說著寬心的話。
“乖乖，我早已明白了。現(xiàn)在，我已經(jīng)習以為常了?？紤]這件事，加以忍受，其實并不難。你盡可以這樣來考慮，別為我難過，因為，這是最好的解脫了，千真萬確。”
“貝絲，你在秋天這么悶悶不樂，就是為了這件事嗎？難道你那時就已知道并一直一個人承受到今天嗎？”喬問道?？墒撬辉敢庵阑蛘哒f出這就是最好的解脫。然而，喬很高興得知，勞里與貝絲的麻煩無關(guān)。
“是的，當時我放棄了一切希望，但不愿意去承認它。我盡量去認為，那是一種病態(tài)的癡想，所以，不想讓它去擾亂別人。不過，當我看見你們大家都精神煥發(fā)，身體強健，又有那么多幸福的打算時，不免覺得，難道我就不能像你們那樣生活嗎？那時，我的心情很慘的，喬。”
“唉，貝絲，你卻沒有告訴我，沒讓我安慰你，沒讓我?guī)椭阊?！怎么能拒我于局外，獨自一人忍受呢?rdquo;
喬的嗓音充滿了溫柔的責怪口氣。一想到貝絲孤獨的掙扎，她就心痛不已。貝絲學會向健康、愛情和生命告別，快樂地背起十字架的過程中，一定是在孤軍奮戰(zhàn)啊。
“也許，這都是錯的，但我盡力好自為之。我心里也沒有數(shù)，沒有人說過這些事。我希望自己搞錯了。怎么能用這事去嚇唬你們大家，那樣做就自私了。當時，母親在操心美格，艾美不在家，你跟勞里在一起那么愉快——至少，我當時是這樣認為的。”
“我那時認為你是愛他的，貝絲。我離開，是因為無法愛他。”喬把心里話一吐為快。
貝絲對于喬的想法實在太驚訝了，弄得喬不顧貝絲的苦楚笑了笑，輕輕地往下說：“那么，你不愛他，乖乖？我擔心真有這么回事啊，心想那時候，你那顆脆弱的心一直在為情所困呢。”
“嘿，喬，他那么愛你，我怎么會呢？”貝絲像天真的孩子似的反問道，“我確實很愛他。他對我那么好，我怎么能不愛呢？但是，他除了當姐夫之外，又能成為什么人？我真希望有一天，他真的成為那種人。”
“不會通過我聯(lián)姻的。”喬口氣堅定地說，“艾美是留給他的。他倆很般配。但是，我現(xiàn)在對于這種事沒有心思。貝絲，除了你，別人會怎么樣，我并不在乎。你可得好好康復啊。”
“哎，我實在想康復的！我在嘗試，可是每天都會失去一些，而且日益確信，失去的再也回不來了。就像大海的潮水，喬，一旦退潮，雖然緩慢，但是無法阻攔。”
“必須阻攔，你的潮水不能這么早就退，十九歲還太年輕呀。貝絲，我不能讓你走。我要苦干，為你祈禱，為你抗爭。無論如何，我都要保住你。一定有辦法的，還來得及。上帝不會殘忍得將你我分離。”可憐的喬大聲反抗道，她的精神狀態(tài)遠遠不如貝絲那么溫順而虔誠了。
心地單純而真誠的人很少會奢談虔誠，他們不會夸夸其談，而是將其體現(xiàn)于行動。這樣做所產(chǎn)生的影響力強于信誓旦旦的說教、表白。貝絲無法論證，也無法解釋是什么信念給了她勇氣和耐心去放棄生命，笑迎死亡。她就像一個袒露心扉的孩子，什么問題都不問，便將一切都交給了上帝和大自然，給了我們大家的父母親。她確信，他們，只有他們才能夠教誨人，加強人的心靈，振作人的精神去面對現(xiàn)世和來世。她沒有用圣人的大話去責怪喬，而是為喬的滿腔熱情而更加熱愛喬了，更加密切地擁抱可貴的人類親情。天父從不規(guī)定我們要戒掉它，反而通過它吸引我們親近天父。貝絲不能說：“我樂意離開。”因為，生命對于她還是甜蜜的。她緊緊抓住喬，只能抽泣著說：“我盡可能做到愿意離開。”此刻，這巨大苦惱的第一波苦澀潮水向她倆襲來。
后來，貝絲的思緒漸漸地恢復了寧靜。她問道：“回家之后，你會告訴他們嗎？”
“我想不說他們也會知道的。”喬嘆息道。她覺得，貝絲每天都有變化。
“或許不會吧。聽說，凡是深愛的人，對于這種事情都是熟視無睹的。他們?nèi)绻X察不出，你就替我告訴吧。我不需要保留任何秘密，讓他們先有思想準備更友善。美格有約翰和孩子去安慰她。你必須堅決留在父母身邊，好嗎，喬？”
“我盡力而為?？墒?，貝絲，我還沒有放棄呢。我開始認為，那正是病態(tài)的癡想，不想讓你信以為真。”喬盡量歡快地說道。
貝絲躺著沉思了一會兒。接著，她安靜地說：“不知道該怎樣表達自己，除了你，我不想對任何人講。因為，我只能對你傾吐肺腑之言。我只想說，自己覺得命中并沒有打算要我長壽。我跟你們其他人不一樣，從來沒有制訂長大后該做哪些事的計劃，也從來沒有向你們一樣考慮過結(jié)婚。我除了認為自己是一個愚笨的小貝絲，只會在家奔跑，到哪兒都沒有用之外，真難以想象自己會成就什么事。我從來都沒有想過外出，現(xiàn)在棘手的是要離開大家。我不害怕，但是，我似乎覺得，即便上了天堂都會想家的。”
喬一時不知道該說什么好。只有海風呼呼，海潮拍岸。幾分鐘過去了，一只白翅膀的海鷗展翅飛過，銀灰色的胸脯反射出一道太陽的光輝。貝絲目送著海鷗在天空消失，眼里充滿了悲傷的神情。這時候，有一只灰毛的小沙鷗在海灘上輕盈地跳躍，顧自輕聲唧唧，似乎在欣賞天上的太陽和地上的大海。有時候，那只鳥飛得離貝絲很近，用友好的目光望著她，然后，停落在溫暖的巖石上，梳理身上濕潤的羽毛，顯得相當自在。貝絲笑了，感到一陣安慰，因為，這只小生靈似乎在向她示好，提醒她，世界是美好的，仍然值得自己去欣賞。
“可愛的小鳥！喬，你看，多么馴服啊。海鷗和唧唧沙鷗相比，我更喜歡沙鷗。雖然野性不足，樣子一般，但看上去很愉快，是貼心的小家伙。我去年夏天度假稱其為我的小鳥。媽媽說，這些小鳥往往使她想到我——一刻都不停，素色羽毛，總愛靠近海邊，哼著自得其樂的曲子。喬，你是一只海鷗，健壯狂野，喜愛暴風雨，時常飛往大海深處，獨自開心。美格則是一只斑鳩。而艾美像一只她所描繪的云雀，總想飛入云霄，但總是落進自己的巢穴。真是可愛的小妹妹?。∧敲从斜ж?，但心地善良溫柔，無論飛得多高，絕不會忘記家園。希望能再次見到她，可是她似乎又飛得那么遙遠。”
“她春天會回來的。我是說，你要準備好，再次見到她，欣賞她。到那時候，我會把你調(diào)養(yǎng)得身輕體健，容光煥發(fā)。”喬說道。她覺得，貝絲身上發(fā)生的所有變化中，說話的變化最大，因為，現(xiàn)在說話似乎并不費力。妹妹在自言自語，已經(jīng)根本不像過去那個害羞的貝絲。
“親愛的喬，不要再希望了。那樣徒勞無益，我敢肯定。我們不要再凄凄慘慘，而要享受親情，在一起等待。我們會有歡快時光的，因為，我現(xiàn)在并不難受。如果你幫助我，我想退潮會順利的。”
喬彎下腰親吻那張寧靜的臉龐。隨著那安靜的吻，她將自己的身心都獻給了貝絲。
她想得對。她們回家時，無須說什么話。父母祈禱免于看見的東西，早已昭然若揭。貝絲經(jīng)過短途旅行，已經(jīng)筋疲力盡，回到家便上床了。她說能夠回到家真是比什么都好。后來，喬走下樓，發(fā)現(xiàn)已經(jīng)不用再吃苦費力去敘述貝絲的秘密了。她進屋時，只見父親的頭靠著壁爐臺，一動不動，而母親伸出雙臂，似乎在求救。喬一句話未說，走向前給予她無聲的安慰。
CHAPTER 36 BETH'S SECRET
WHEN JO CAME HOME that spring, she had been struck with the change in Beth. No one spoke of it or seemed aware of it, for it had come too gradually to startle those who saw her daily, but to eyes sharpened by absence, it was very plain and a heavy weight fell on Jo's heart as she saw her sister's face. It was no paler and but little thinner than in the autumn, yet there was a strange, transparent look about it, as if the mortal was being slowly refined away, and the immortal shining through the frail flesh with an indescribably pathetic beauty. Jo saw and felt it, but said nothing at the time, and soon the first impression lost much of its power, for Beth seemed happy, no one appeared to doubt that she was better, and presently in other cares Jo for a time forgot her fear.
But when Laurie was gone, and peace prevailed again, the vague anxiety returned and haunted her. She had confessed her sins and been forgiven, but when she showed her savings and proposed a mountain trip, Beth had thanked her heartily, but begged not to go so far away from home. Another little visit to the seashore would suit her better, and as Grandma could not be prevailed upon to leave the babies, Jo took Beth down to the quiet place, where she could live much in the open air, and let the fresh sea breezes blow a little color into her pale cheeks.
It was not a fashionable place, but even among the pleasant people there, the girls made few friends, preferring to live for one another. Beth was too shy to enjoy society, and Jo too wrapped up in her to care for anyone else. So they were all in all to each other, and came and went, quite unconscious of the interest they exited in those about them, who watched with sympathetic eyes the strong sister and the feeble one, always together, as if they felt instinctively that a long separation was not far away.
They did feel it, yet neither spoke of it, for often between ourselves and those nearest and dearest to us there exists a reserve which it is very hard to overcome. Jo felt as if a veil had fallen between her heart and Beth's, but when she put out her hand to lift it up, there seemed something sacred in the silence, and she waited for Beth to speak. She wondered, and was thankful also, that her parents did not seem to see what she saw, and during the quiet weeks when the shadows grew so plain to her, she said nothing of it to those at home, believing that it would tell itself when Beth came back no better. She wondered still more if her sister really guessed the hard truth, and what thoughts were passing through her mind during the long hours when she lay on the warm rocks with her head in Jo's lap, while the winds blew healthfully over her and the sea made music at her feet.
One day Beth told her. Jo thought she was asleep, she lay so still, and putting down her book, sat looking at her with wistful eyes, trying to see signs of hope in the faint color on Beth's cheeks. But she could not find enough to satisfy her, for the cheeks were very thin, and the hands seemed too feeble to hold even the rosy little shells they had been gathering. It came to her then more bitterly than ever that Beth was slowly drifting away from her, and her arms instinctively tightened their hold upon the dearest treasure she possessed. For a minute her eyes were too dim for seeing, and when they cleared, Beth was looking up at her so tenderly that there was hardly any need for her to say, “Jo, dear, I'm glad you know it. I've tried to tell you, but I couldn't.”
There was no answer except her sister's cheek against her own, not even tears, for when most deeply moved, Jo did not cry. She was the weaker then, and Beth tried to comfort and sustain her, with her arms about her and the soothing words she whispered in her ear.
“I've known it for a good while, dear, and, now I'm used to it, it isn't hard to think of or to bear. Try to see it so and don't be troubled about me, because it's best, indeed it is.”
“Is this what made you so unhappy in the autumn, Beth? You did not feel it then, and keep it to yourself so long, did you? ” asked Jo, refusing to see or say that it was best,but glad to know that Laurie had no part in Beth's trouble.
“Yes, I gave up hoping then, but I didn't like to own it. I tried to think it was a sick fancy, and would not let it trouble anyone. But when I saw you all so well and strong and full of happy plans, it was hard to feel that I could never be like you, and then I was miserable, Jo.”
“Oh, Beth, and you didn't tell me, didn't let me comfort and help you! How could you shut me out, bear it all alone? ”
Jo's voice was full of tender reproach, and her heart ached to think of the solitary struggle that must have gone on while Beth learned to say good-by to health, love, and life, and take up her cross so cheerfully.
“Perhaps it was wrong, but I tried to do right. I wasn't sure, no one said anything, and I hoped I was mistaken. It would have been selfish to frighten you all when Marmee was so anxious about Meg, and Amy away, and you so happy with Laurie—at least I thought so then.”
“And I thought you loved him, Beth, and I went away because I couldn't, ” cried Jo, glad to say all the truth.
Beth looked so amazed at the idea that Jo smiled in spite of her pain, and added softly, “Then you didn't, deary? I was afraid it was so, and imagined your poor little heart full of lovelornity all that while.”
“Why, Jo, how could I, when he was so fond of you? ” asked Beth, as innocently as a child. “I do love him dearly. He is so good to me, how can I help it? But he could never be anything to me but my brother. I hope he truly will be, sometime.”
“Not through me, ” said Jo decidedly. “Amy is left for him, and they would suit excellently, but I have no heart for such things, now. I don't care what becomes of anybody but you, Beth. You must get well.”
“I want to, oh, so much! I try, but every day I lose a little, and feel more sure that I shall never gain it back. It's like the tide, Jo, when it turns, it goes slowly, but it can't be stopped.”
“It shall be stopped,your tide must not turn so soon,nineteen is too young, Beth. I can't let you go. I'll work and pray and fight against it. I'll keep you in spite of everything. There must be ways, it can't be too late. God won't be so cruel as to take you from me, ” cried poor Jo rebelliously, for her spirit was far less piously submissive than Beth's.
Simple, sincere people seldom speak much of their piety. It shows itself in acts rather than in words, and has more influence than homilies or protestations. Beth could not reason upon or explain the faith that gave her courage and patience to give up life, and cheerfully wait for death. Like a confiding child, she asked no questions, but left everything to God and nature, Father and Mother of us all, feeling sure that they, and they only, could teach and strengthen heart and spirit for this life and the life to come. She did not rebuke Jo with saintly speeches, only loved her better for her passionate affection, and clung more closely to the dear human love, from which our Father never means us to be weaned, but through which He draws us closer to Himself. She could not say, “I'm glad to go, ” for life was very sweet for her. She could only sob out, “I try to be willing, ” while she held fast to Jo, as the first bitter wave of this great sorrow broke over them together.
By and by Beth said, with recovered serenity, “You'll tell them this when we go home? ”
“I think they will see it without words, ” sighed Jo, for now it seemed to her that Beth changed every day.
“Perhaps not. I've heard that the people who love best are often blindest to such things. If they don't see it, you will tell them for me. I don't want any secrets, and it's kinder to prepare them. Meg has John and the babies to comfort her, but you must stand by Father and Mother, won't you, Jo? ”
“If I can. But, Beth, I don't give up yet. I'm going to believe that it is a sick fancy,and not let you think it's true.”said Jo,trying to speak cheerfully.
Beth lay a minute thinking, and then said in her quiet way, “I don't know how to express myself, and shouldn't try to anyone but you, because I can't speak out except to my Jo. I only mean to say that I have a feeling that it never was intended I should live long. I'm not like the rest of you. I never made any plans about what I'd do when I grew up; I never thought of being married, as you all did. I couldn't seem to imagine myself anything but stupid little Beth, trotting about at home, of no use anywhere but there. I never wanted to go away, and the hard part now is the leaving you all. I'm not afraid, but it seems as if I should be homesick for you even in heaven.”
Jo could not speak, and for several minutes there was no sound but the sigh of the wind and the lapping of the tide. A white-winged gull flew by, with the flash of sunshine on its silvery breast; Beth watched it till it vanished, and her eyes were full of sadness. A little gray-coated sand bird came tripping over the beach, “peeping” softly to itself, as if enjoying the sun and sea. It came quite close to Beth, and looked at her with a friendly eye and sat upon a warm stone, dressing its wet feathers, quite at home. Beth smiled and felt comforted, for the tiny thing seemed to offer its small friendship and remind her that a pleasant world was still to be enjoyed.
“Dear little bird! See, Jo, how tame it is. I like peeps better than the gulls. They are not so wild and handsome, but they seem happy, confiding little things. I used to call them my birds last summer, and Mother said they reminded her of me—busy, quaker-colored creatures, always near the shore, and always chirping that contented little song of theirs. You are the gull, Jo, strong and wild, fond of the storm and the wind, flying far out to sea, and happy all alone. Meg is the turtledove, and Amy is like the lark she writes about, trying to get up among the clouds, but always dropping down into its nest again. Dear little girl! She's so ambitious, but her heart is good and tender, and no matter how high she flies, she never will forget home. I hope I shall see her again, but she seems so far away.”
“She is coming in the spring, and I mean that you shall be all ready to see and enjoy her. I'm going to have you well and rosy by that time, ”began Jo, feeling that of all the changes in Beth, the talking change was the greatest, for it seemed to cost no effort now, and she thought aloud in a way quite unlike bashful Beth.
“Jo, dear, don't hope any more. It won't do any good. I'm sure of that. We won't be miserable, but enjoy being together while we wait. We'll have happy times, for I don't suffer much, and I think the tide will go out easily, if you help me.”
Jo leaned down to kiss the tranquil face, and with that silent kiss, she dedicated herself soul and body to Beth.
She was right: there was no need of any words when they got home, for Father and Mother saw plainly now what they had prayed to be saved from seeing. Tired with her short journey, Beth went at once to bed, saying how glad she was to be home, and when Jo went down, she found that she would be spared the hard task of telling Beth's secret. Her father stood leaning his head on the mantelpiece, and did not turn as she came in; but her mother stretched out her arms as if for help, and Jo went to comfort her without a word.
